Missed Miscarriage - Devastated and Broken Hearted

acam

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I never in a million years thought that I would be on a website forum like this crying my eyes out! I found out I was pregnant June 2 and was so beyond happy! It was not a planned pregnancy but my boyfriend and I was very happy. I am 36 years old and am beyond a point of wanting to get married and start a family. So when I got pregnant I felt like God was beginning to finally answer my prayers. Everything changed in a blink of eye to the worst day of my life! I started having some mild spotting around my 12th week. When I called my doctor and other friends and family who had had children , everybody said this was normal and not to be alarmed unless I started having severe bleeding and cramping. In addition, my boyfriend and I had been intimate so they also told me that this could cause slight spotting as well. Nothing prepared me for what happend next. A few days later I went in for my 13th week routine check up appointment. Initially the doctor ( who was not my doctor because she had an emergency at the hospital and couldnt be there ) searched for a fetal heartbeat using a doppler. He searched and searched and nothing. Then he checked using a vaginal sonogram machine. Again he searched , and seached , and search and nothing. As I layed there on that bed, there are no words that can describe the fear I felt at that moment. The tears started welding up in my eyes as I tried to fight them. He then came back into in the room , with no sense of compasision, and said to me that he was sending me to radiology to have ultra sound done. On my way there driving I cried the entire time. I called my boyfriend and mother and told them to pray lilke never before. After having the ultra sound, the radiologist dr came in and said "I'm sorry" and that my baby heart had stopped and had stopped growing around 9 weeks. I felt like I was in nightmare and that this could not be happening. I had no spotting or bleeding or cramping through out my pregnancy prior to this happening. It was the worst day of my life. I was alone and by myself because at the time my boyfriend was in the process of relocating ( moving ) to where I live and couldnt be there. I cried the whole way home , mortified!! I am a spirtual person and have a personal relationoship with God , who has always been my rock in some of my most deepest pain...but not even God could help me to understand this. Over the next couple of days I cried and cried and isolated myself from everybody! I then began to stay glued to websites looking for any signs of hope that they could have possibly made a mistake. I found several stories that were similar to mine, in which a heartbeat could not be found but was later found. I begin to have hope again and prayed like I never had before in my entire life. I went two days later to have another ultra sound done...most people at the radiology department thought I was crazy and in denial. Even my boyfriend felt like I was in denial and not willing to accept this and was setting myself up for more disappointment. But I just needed to know for sure ..for them to check again to make sure my baby may have not died. Sadly to say they came back with the same results. At that moment a part of my heart died and a part of my spirit has left my body. I have never felt so hurt, sad, broken, confused and lonely before in my life!!! I feel like nobody understands what I'm going through. This would have been my first child. My boyfriend has since moved here with me, but he's been extremely occupied with starting a huge new transition in his life ( moving to a new state and starting a whole new career with huge demanding responsibilities). He has not been able to support me emotionally and I understand that men handle things differently than women and that also they are not as emotionally attached as we are as women ....especially this early in pregnancies. Its just so hard sometimes because he's the only one I want to wrap his arms around me and just say to me that its going to be ok. He has told me verbally how sorry he is...but I guess he doesnt know what and how else to support me...especially considering his level of stress and adjustments he's dealing with right now. My parents and sisters live in other states and they have been calling me...but I dont even want to talk to them. The only thing has helped me is reading the ladies stories on this forum...and seeing that there is hope and this was not the end for them. At this time, I'm just taking one minute, hour, and day at a time and asking God to give me peace with this.
 
Hi Acam, so unbelievably sorry for ur loss. It's horrible.

Same thing happened to me and it's devastating. It's been 4 days since my D&C and today has been a very hard day for me. Mainly because I've been on my own all day.

As regards your boyfriend - yes men deal with grief differently. I actually told my DH yesterday that I need him to randomly hug me, touch me, hold me. They need to be told what you need.

My advice to you is to feel how you feel, cry when you feel it. Crying is cleansing and helps release the pain. If you can, ask your sister or mother to come stay with you, even for just a day or two.

I am here to talk at any time.
:hugs::hugs:
 
I am so sorry for you I felt like it could have been me writing this post give or take a few pieces. I had my mmc on 10th July I have been through every emotion too an just when I thought I was back on track my friend had a baby yest I'm so happy for her but didn't think it'd hit me like it has i think today I've realised what ive lost. Please make use of this site I have an I've def been more honest on here than i have in the " real world" everyone gives so much support an reading others stories really helps me know that we are not alone x sending you strength & hugs x
 
Hi Tubs, thank you so much for your comments, it really helps more than you know. I'm now facing the decision of whether if I should have a d&c, take medicine to induce labor, or allow it to happen naturally. My concern is that is been 4 weeks now since they said the baby' heart stopped beating. I've been spotting to moderate bleeding for a week and half now. I know the risk of infecions associated with this. But I also have concerns about having a d&c. One of the things my dr said that is a risk is scarring of the uterus. Did you have any complications with your d&c? From reading the post on this forum it seems that the majority of the women have done d&c.

Thank you so much on the advice regarding my boyfriend. A part of me has felt like that I dont want to add to his stress by coming off needy. But you're right, i'm going to let him know that I need to be held or hugged sometimes.
 
Mrskg thank you so much! I really appreciate your support! Hugs and kisses back to you..May God Bless You!
 
My D&C went very smoothly. In the hospital the nurse inserted tablets to soften the cervix. Felt a bit crampy. About an hour or so later I went to theatre. I was given general anaesthetic. Woke up in recovery, a little crampy. I was then wheeled to my room to sleep for few hours. Nurse gave me some pain relief. The next day, at home I was a little crampy, slight bleeding but not much. So today, 4 days on, I actually have no bleeding or pain at all.
There is just no way I could have waited to miscarry naturally at home. I had a blighted ovum in December, and miscarried at 5 and half weeks - terribly painful. The bleeding went on and on even after i had passed the sac. So I couldn't imagine passing anything bigger. Sorry if that's TMI.

The doctor who did my D&C said she always errs on the side of caution so not to cause any complications. I'd say all doctors doing this procedure are the same.

Also, ive said this is other posts, but being in hospital really helped me, as I felt the miscarriage was acknowledged and everyone was so kind and caring to me.

Do you think you will opt for a D&C?
 
I am so sorry for your loss... it is the most awful, unfair thing, isn't it? I, too, am a spiritual person and it has been so difficult trying to see what God had in store with this. I was blessed with the gift of a child and then he or she was taken away from me before I ever got to meet my angel... I know He has a plan, but it's so, so hard...

I also had a missed miscarriage. The day I found out that our baby's heart had stopped beating was the worst day of my life. I was utterly blindsided... I had a D&C three days later as per request of the doctor and my father in law (also a doctor) and the urging of the rest of my family. I have mixed emotions about it now, I am so thankful that I wasn't in pain and the hospital staff was so sweet and supportive and understanding... but at the same time it was all just OVER so quickly and I wish I could have had another ultrasound like you (I still have that "what if???"). It's just hard any way you look at it...

I know what you mean about wanting to have your man there for you to wrap his arms around you and comfort you. I went through these feelings and still am since my husband had to leave two days after the D&C for a three week long trip. Oh my goodness, the mean things I have said to him... all of the hormones and raw emotions and trauma kind of turned me into a monster as far as he was concerned. I felt (and still feel, really) like he should be by my side as I am going through this nightmare, but realistically I know that this trip he is on is important and something that will help our family in the long run. Still, though... your man seems like the one person who should be there for you. That was his baby as much as he/she was yours... but it is true. Men grieve differently and they show their love by trying to do things like be more successful at their career, work harder to prove that they can take care of us.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this right now... lean on God , especially when you are feeling down about your boyfriend not being there for you. Relying on him has been a tremendous help for me... It is hard because I just want Him to bring my baby back to me, but I also know that is not the case. I have also found tremendous comfort in coming to this forum and reading the stories of other women and doing the best you can to offer advice to others going through this.

I promise it will get a little easier every day. You will never forget your angel and you will always have a void in your heart... Sending lots of love and strength your way in this difficult time. :hugs:
 
I don't know If this will help but I found out at 12/3 my baby stopped growing at 6wks it took till I should have been 15/1 to happen naturally in had 2 failed medical managements between this and was booked in for surgery but went naturally myself 2 days before. That means my baby was in there for 9 wk's seem so surreal now I asked the nurse why it had taken so long an she said sometimes they just don't want to leave you I took comfort in this x I wish you luck whatever you decide x
 
Hi Tubs, thank you so much for your comments, it really helps more than you know. I'm now facing the decision of whether if I should have a d&c, take medicine to induce labor, or allow it to happen naturally. My concern is that is been 4 weeks now since they said the baby' heart stopped beating. I've been spotting to moderate bleeding for a week and half now. I know the risk of infecions associated with this. But I also have concerns about having a d&c. One of the things my dr said that is a risk is scarring of the uterus. Did you have any complications with your d&c? From reading the post on this forum it seems that the majority of the women have done d&c.

Thank you so much on the advice regarding my boyfriend. A part of me has felt like that I dont want to add to his stress by coming off needy. But you're right, i'm going to let him know that I need to be held or hugged sometimes.

I had the D&C and there were absolutely no complications. I know the doctors have to tell you there is a possibility of scarring, infection, punctured cervix, etc. but I think those risks are relatively low. Like any other surgery, they have to tell you of the possible side-effects so you don't sue them if something, God forbid, were to happen. I really don't think that is very common. The D&C was a good experience for me because everyone was SO nice and it was really comforting to have people acknowledge what I was going through and offer support. My nurse in recovery told me that I was going to cry a lot and experience a lot of difficult emotions and that it wouldn't be easy... and to not be ashamed of that and to grieve and take my time, it will get better. It made me wonder if maybe she had gone through the same thing...

And yes, let your boyfriend know what you need from him and how you're feeling. My mom was with me and sensed how completely frustrated and angry I was at my husband since he left me so soon, when everything was so fresh and I was so lost... and she called him up and told him, from a more neutral (less yelling, ha!) point of view, how I was feeling and what I was experiencing. She told him to google how to help when your wife/partner is experiencing a miscarriage... he said he found some great resources and it really helped him to have a better understanding of what I was going through. It isn't that our men aren't mourning or upset or angry with everything that has happened, but they didn't get to KNOW the babies like we did. They can't feel that physical loss in the same way we do and so it is hard for them to know what it is we are experiencing.

:hugs:
 
I just want to thank ALL of you ladies for all of your support, advice, knowledge, and words of encouragement! I woke up this morning feeling so extremely empty and sad. I feel like God led me to this forum to help me get the peace and strength I need.

After reading you guys experience, I think I'm leaning towards having the d&c. I've already been bleeding for a week and a half and just cant bear the thought of bleeding for months and months or having my baby at home...considering the blood , mess and pain associated with that. I dont think I am mentally or emotionally strong enough to handle that.

I so appreciate the feedback on your husbands/significant others have responded with you guys. I know every man is differernt but essentially they are all alike in a lot of ways...especially in the way how they handle things differently from us women. I plan to talk to my boyfriend and just tell him how I'm feeling. He has expressed to me how sorry he was and wishes he could be here more for than he has been. I think he's holding alot of his grief inside and is focusing on work. But I do plan to tell him how I feel because i really do need him.

Thank you guys again. And I will continue to turn to God for strength and support and I will be praying for you ladies as well!
 
Rachelleigh,
I just want to say to you also, dont beat yourself up or second guess yourself for not having the second ultra sound. I truly believe if it was meant for you to have another one, it would have been done. It was very hard for me going back in there a second time to be told that my baby is not alive. At this point I just want to grieve and move forward with what medically has to be done so I dont have to suffer any more physiycally at least.
I know that has got to be extremely tough being away from your husband for that long. But thank God that he place your mother there to help you and to help support you. Im not a mother ( yet ) but I'm sure our mothers feel our pain just as if it was their own pain. Theres nothing like the love of a mother. Being that your husband talke to your mom and now has read up on understanding what you're going through, I'm sure when he returns, it will be better. :)

I must say talking to you ladies and us all encouraging each other has really helped me...more than you guys can ever know. I know that there will be sad moments and tims but I believe that God will see all of us through this!
 
I really am so sorry for your loss.

Your story reads much like mine and I can feel the hurt that you have right now. I'm not going to tell you that it goes away but you do find ways to deal with it over time. Just go at your own pace.

I choose medical management and this worked well for me, I actually "miscarried" at home and I am glad that I did. The hospital felt so impersonal and I think that it helped me accept that my baby had gone.

Wishing you all the best xx
 
Thank you WeeSal! Your words and others from this forum have been so thoughtful and supportive. I appreciate it so much! I'm must taking it one day at a time and asking God to give me peace and strength through this...I pray the same for you!
 
Acam I would really do the research on the dnc it actually has a very Hugh percentage of problems with scaring there is a thread under miscarrages on it. You can take high dosages of vitamin c to lower your progesterone and start the miscarriage. I bleed for weeks before doing this, I was monitered by my Dr the whole time.

One of the things that got me through this period of time before during and after finding out about the mmc is God does not make mistakes. We may no know now why but one day we will.
 
Hello everyone, sorry to hear of all your losses and about the inappropriate user name - I created it with the intention of posting before I lost my baby and don't know how to change it.

I lost my baby at 91/2 weeks last month, but mine was also a missed miscarriage and my baby hadn't grown since 5 weeks.

I first went into the EPAU when I thought I was 11 weeks after some light bleeding, around the time of my missed period. They did a scan and didn't find a heartbeat, but dated my baby 5 weeks and told me to come back in 4 days (it was the bank holiday weekend). They did the scan and found a heartbeat, they gave us the measurements again and they had hardly changed. Both my boyfriend and I had been reading up we were so excited and we asked if this was enough growth and was everything normal - as my symptoms had also dramatically lessened. They told us to stop reading on the internet as it is full of rubbish.

Every week after this first time I experienced the same light bleeding, my midwife said it was normal. Then I had heavier bleeding at the same time as my next period, and I went into EPAU again and after a scan we found out the baby hadn't grown since the last scan and probably died the same day. They also admitted the baby was smaller than they would have anticipated and growth wasn't as dramatic as they would have expected in those few days.

I chose to have my miscarriage at home and bleeding started around a week later, lasting for exactly 2 weeks. I chose to have my miscarriage at home so I could be with my boyfriend rather than alone in a hospital bed but the hospital did not prepare me for the pain and it sounds silly but after a series of (sorry for tmi) around half a dozen kiwi size and shaped blood clots and pouring blood like a running tap I was convinced I was hemaerraging (sorry for spelling) and returned to EPAU. At the time I wished I had a D&C but if it happens again I am going to stay at home, the hospital said something about veryslightly raised chances of future miscarriages with a D&C. The statistic was tiny, I don't want to scare people. However, although I was very early in my pregnancy the miscarriage was extremely painful and traumatic - particularly because I didn't know what to expect. I wish the hospital had been honest with me. I prefer to know so I can prepare. If you choose to do it at the home I strongly recommend adhesive heat pads, a tens machine, heated wheat bags and the medicine called solpadeine. This combination did make it bearable! You are going through enough with losing your baby without having to endure physical pain too. It's so cruel. Before it happened to me I didn't really understand how bad it was - now my heart goes out to all you women going through it. I only hope that one day it will work out as we plan!
 
P.S I am not expecting I don't understand how to change my profile
 

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