I never in a million years thought that I would be on a website forum like this crying my eyes out! I found out I was pregnant June 2 and was so beyond happy! It was not a planned pregnancy but my boyfriend and I was very happy. I am 36 years old and am beyond a point of wanting to get married and start a family. So when I got pregnant I felt like God was beginning to finally answer my prayers. Everything changed in a blink of eye to the worst day of my life! I started having some mild spotting around my 12th week. When I called my doctor and other friends and family who had had children , everybody said this was normal and not to be alarmed unless I started having severe bleeding and cramping. In addition, my boyfriend and I had been intimate so they also told me that this could cause slight spotting as well. Nothing prepared me for what happend next. A few days later I went in for my 13th week routine check up appointment. Initially the doctor ( who was not my doctor because she had an emergency at the hospital and couldnt be there ) searched for a fetal heartbeat using a doppler. He searched and searched and nothing. Then he checked using a vaginal sonogram machine. Again he searched , and seached , and search and nothing. As I layed there on that bed, there are no words that can describe the fear I felt at that moment. The tears started welding up in my eyes as I tried to fight them. He then came back into in the room , with no sense of compasision, and said to me that he was sending me to radiology to have ultra sound done. On my way there driving I cried the entire time. I called my boyfriend and mother and told them to pray lilke never before. After having the ultra sound, the radiologist dr came in and said "I'm sorry" and that my baby heart had stopped and had stopped growing around 9 weeks. I felt like I was in nightmare and that this could not be happening. I had no spotting or bleeding or cramping through out my pregnancy prior to this happening. It was the worst day of my life. I was alone and by myself because at the time my boyfriend was in the process of relocating ( moving ) to where I live and couldnt be there. I cried the whole way home , mortified!! I am a spirtual person and have a personal relationoship with God , who has always been my rock in some of my most deepest pain...but not even God could help me to understand this. Over the next couple of days I cried and cried and isolated myself from everybody! I then began to stay glued to websites looking for any signs of hope that they could have possibly made a mistake. I found several stories that were similar to mine, in which a heartbeat could not be found but was later found. I begin to have hope again and prayed like I never had before in my entire life. I went two days later to have another ultra sound done...most people at the radiology department thought I was crazy and in denial. Even my boyfriend felt like I was in denial and not willing to accept this and was setting myself up for more disappointment. But I just needed to know for sure ..for them to check again to make sure my baby may have not died. Sadly to say they came back with the same results. At that moment a part of my heart died and a part of my spirit has left my body. I have never felt so hurt, sad, broken, confused and lonely before in my life!!! I feel like nobody understands what I'm going through. This would have been my first child. My boyfriend has since moved here with me, but he's been extremely occupied with starting a huge new transition in his life ( moving to a new state and starting a whole new career with huge demanding responsibilities). He has not been able to support me emotionally and I understand that men handle things differently than women and that also they are not as emotionally attached as we are as women ....especially this early in pregnancies. Its just so hard sometimes because he's the only one I want to wrap his arms around me and just say to me that its going to be ok. He has told me verbally how sorry he is...but I guess he doesnt know what and how else to support me...especially considering his level of stress and adjustments he's dealing with right now. My parents and sisters live in other states and they have been calling me...but I dont even want to talk to them. The only thing has helped me is reading the ladies stories on this forum...and seeing that there is hope and this was not the end for them. At this time, I'm just taking one minute, hour, and day at a time and asking God to give me peace with this.