mixed race son and would love to meet someone but...

[fingers_cross]

this is going to sounds soooo weird but hopefully some of u out there will understand my predicament. My son is half ghanaian (his father) and half scottish (me). His father isnt in the picture and hasnt even met him (he emails now and again and says hes going to come and see him but i doubt he will). I really want to meet someone, for a few reasons. Im lonely for one, and miss male company. This is the longest ive been single in a long time and secondly, I feel is soo important for joshua to have a positive male role model in his life. However, I am so torn as to what to do. Ive always dated black men, its just turned out that way and I guess its just a preference of mine (like some people prefer tall, or blonde hair). I joined a dating site and had a few emails and chatted to some guys. A few of which have asked me on dates. They are white (I feel personality is the most important thing and obviously Im not going to rule out someone based on their skin colour!) and I guess there is a part of me worrying that if I ended up being with a white guy, how would that affect my son? I do think there would be a serious identity problem for him and worry he would feel so different or something. All my family are white and we live in quite a white area and I really do worry about his psychological well being. Maybe im worrying too much and my best friend said the most important thing is that he has a good male role model and skin colour doesnt matter, and he wont care. But Ive watched documentaries and read articles about the fact that many mixed race children find it hard identity wise even with both biological parents in their life. Any mixed race ladies out there that could give me an insight into this? Of course everyones experiences are different though.

I just want him to be a happy, confident, well rounded boy whos comfortable in his own skin. I have a friend who has a son (I know her through my ex, she was with my exs best friend) and she is now single and her son (who is 4) has said to her that he hates the colour of his skin and why cant it be like hers (all her family are white). It would just break my heart if joshua said that one day.

What do u ladies think?

 

[MrsPMP]

I can just imagine how you feel, but don't have much more insight into it I am afraid, hopefully someone more knowledgeable can help. Good luck with finding Mr Right x

 

[MrsHippo]

I really wouldn't worry about it!! Like you said, as long as he has someone to be a good role model and maybe one day, love as a father figure... Then stuff what other people say.

If you meet someone you are happy with and feel attracted to, then go ahead with what feels right. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks!!

As for him feeling like an outcast in his family... I'm not too sure. Maybe if everyone openly spoke about colour and race, he might not ask questions when older? Or make sure he is well aware of who is father is. I hope for his sake, his father stays in his life!! Emailing occasionally isn't the best start is it'

Good luck with man finding x

 

[Lissidoll123]

Agree with previous poster, be honest and open from a young age and celebrate his race and culture! I think if kids get an honest answer from the start, they won't be so confused when they're older! I think if you love him and surround him by positive people, he should flourish as much as other kids! Also if any issues do arise, I'm sure his teacher would notify you? Also I'm sure I read in a study one time that mix raced kids tend to do better in life....career wise. Try not to worry though x

 

[babybaker2011]

My daughter is biracial - I am African American and my DH is Caucasian. Having a biracial child worried me, because I always wondered if they would feel like an outcast and not fit in, but honestly, I think that almost everyone goes through a time in their lives when they're trying to "find themselves". It is important that his differences are embraced and aren't overlooked and make his race a "hush hush" topic, if that makes any sense. He does need a positive male role model in his life, but it doesn't matter the color of that man's skin - all that matters is that he is accepted for who he is and loved, and by loving him and accepting him, then he will become a young man that you're proud of.

 

[SarahBear]

this is going to sounds soooo weird but hopefully some of u out there will understand my predicament. My son is half ghanaian (his father) and half scottish (me). His father isnt in the picture and hasnt even met him (he emails now and again and says hes going to come and see him but i doubt he will). I really want to meet someone, for a few reasons. Im lonely for one, and miss male company. This is the longest ive been single in a long time and secondly, I feel is soo important for joshua to have a positive male role model in his life. However, I am so torn as to what to do. Ive always dated black men, its just turned out that way and I guess its just a preference of mine (like some people prefer tall, or blonde hair). I joined a dating site and had a few emails and chatted to some guys. A few of which have asked me on dates. They are white (I feel personality is the most important thing and obviously Im not going to rule out someone based on their skin colour!) and I guess there is a part of me worrying that if I ended up being with a white guy, how would that affect my son? I do think there would be a serious identity problem for him and worry he would feel so different or something. All my family are white and we live in quite a white area and I really do worry about his psychological well being. Maybe im worrying too much and my best friend said the most important thing is that he has a good male role model and skin colour doesnt matter, and he wont care. But Ive watched documentaries and read articles about the fact that many mixed race children find it hard identity wise even with both biological parents in their life. Any mixed race ladies out there that could give me an insight into this? Of course everyones experiences are different though.

I just want him to be a happy, confident, well rounded boy whos comfortable in his own skin. I have a friend who has a son (I know her through my ex, she was with my exs best friend) and she is now single and her son (who is 4) has said to her that he hates the colour of his skin and why cant it be like hers (all her family are white). It would just break my heart if joshua said that one day.

What do u ladies think?

I think you're right to be concerned. When people say "the color of your skin doesn't matter, so don't worry," that's called "color-blind racism. Most white people don't see the racism that exists in this world because it's largely hidden from us. Your son is not white and it won't be hidden from him. That's just the way it is (unfortunately). I do not have the answers for you, but I think it would be important for you to have open and honest conversations with your son about race and racism as he grows up. Also, don't send the message to your son that there's something wrong with his color. Not talking about it can send this message, so don't be afraid to talk about it! Compliment it, mention how nice it looks, say you wish you had skin like that. Give neutral comments like, "this crayon would be perfect for drawing you. Do you want to use this one?" I haven't had to deal with this sort of issue, so I would definitely seek support from others who have.

 

[fingers_cross]

Thanks everyone were a very open family so there will be no issues with being open and embracing his skin colour. Everyone around me (family and friends) are very open and dont care about stuff like that. the only person i slightly worry about is my dad and his side of the family (we dont see them much though but see my dad a lot). He just doesnt understand things. we were out for a walk and it was sunny and he asked if joshuas skin colour means that the sun doesnt bother him (ie he wont feel hot etc). Weird!!lol. hes just totally naive about it all but then again before my past boyfriends hed never spoken to a black person. He did say something once when i was pregnant that slightly bothered me. there is a picture in my mums livingroom and my dad said "oh I think the baby will like that one" and i said why and he said "cuz it looks like his homeland africa". ehh?? just weird and we all think he is slightly autistic (not talked to him about it obviously) so maybe that comes into it..who knows but i do feel i have to watch him and make sure he doesnt say something stupid.

Here a little photo of my little man. My life wouldnt be complete without him

Thanks for the advice ladies. I will definitely be open with him as im just a naturally open and talkative person so I think we will be absolutely fine with that part of it!

 

[AngelofTroy]

I can understand why you might worry, but I am sure that you will be able to help him celebrate and understand that side of his background and culture whomever you fall for in the future. Also, remember that even if you end up with a black partner, he may not be Ghanaian so even if on the surface your son might 'fit in', he will still have questions about his father's culture.

The closest experience I have to this is my cousin, who was adopted as a baby from Peru by white parents. I apologise that the situation isn't that similar but like I said, it's my closest experience of a similar family situation.

With my cousin, my aunt and uncle made a 'Life book' from day 1. It contains photos of where he was born, people involved in the adoption, postcards, a copy of his adoption certificate, photos and accounts from people they met in Peru, amd baby pictures of them in Lima, in the airport and arriving in the UK. As he grew, he was encouraged to look through his book, add to it with new photos, new questions, information they looked up together on both Peruvian culture and Spanish, and his life in the UK. I always thought it was a great idea, it wasn't limited at all to stuff related to his adoption either, as a child he added photos of himself growing up, his interests, his favourite football team etc. So whenever he felt confused about who he was, they'd look through the life book and there would be a reference for him and a way to piece together all of those influences that make him 'him'.
I plan on doing one for Micah, although at the moment our little family might seem quite straightforward at the moment, it is normal for everyone to have questions about family history and identity.

Could you do something similar for Joshua? Maybe include photos of his dad and paternal grandparents if you have any? Appropriate bits from his dad's emails, a map of Ghana, some postcards or photos of his dad's hometown, even local recipes! Put them together with photos of Joshua as a newborn, with your family etc, and then hopefully one day your new partner can feature in there too

I just wanted to say what a lucky boy your son is to have his mum celebrate his dad's culture even when his dad hasn't been there to support you. That shows what a great mum you are xx

 

[fingers_cross]

Thanks thats a great idea! I have photos of his father (well there are some on his facebook that I could print out), however I dont have any of his grandparents on that side. they dont even know about him yet, his father said that he is going to tell them next year when he travels home to ghana, i guess we will see. I still cook a lot of ghanaian food for myself (as I learned to cook daily it for my ex) as i really enjoy it so my son wil grow up eating that type of food anyway. The book is a great idea. I think i do find it sooo hard when it comes to his father. he didnt treat me well (cheated a lot, lied about just about everything, had a girlfriend back in ghana, also has another son back in ghana who is 8 who hes seen about 4 times etc etc). I want joshua to know who his parents are but its also very difficult for me as part of me wishes i could just forget all about his father but i know thats not an option and its important to know who he is and where he comes from. very hard situation!x

 

[missk1989]

Your son is gorgeous! i agree with pp about trying to make a book of sorts. I have heard of this being done before and think it could be the easiest way of approaching the situation. I have no experience of this myself but i would say the fact that you are aware and conscious of the issue is a good start.

 

[CupcakeBaby]

What a cutie!!!

I think just the fact you're thinking about such things and care so much means you really needn't be too concerned. Your son will grow up having a mummy that lives him and that's the most important thing for a child's well being and development.

Does his dad live in Ghana? As he gets older you could maybe learn about Ghana together?

It's a little hard for me to understand as I grew up in London and so skin colour and people being mixed race is such a non-issue to me. I wish for your sake you all loved down here, no one would ever blink an eye!

Luckily the nation is getting more tolerant to such things (except if you're a Muslim apparently ) so hopefully as he gets older there will be more children on your area who are from different backgrounds. X

 

[Liberty8888]

My son is also mixed race, I'm white British and his father is black Caribbean. I have also thought about this subject before. My situation is different as I am still with his dad, but I have always said from day one that I want Elijah to know about both cultures. I make sure that he spends a lot of time with his Caribbean side of his family, we eat Caribbean food and we are planning to take him back to his fathers home town when he is slightly older. I also think its important to teach him what it means to be British as well! Elijah is the first mixed race baby on his fathers side so as a family we have tried to make sure that it is talked about and not anything that is disapproved of as some of the women wernt that keen on my oh having a white partner to begin with. When Elijah grows up I will make sure we talk about both cultures and explain why he has a different skin colour to me, far more beautiful skin colour at thAt! I think if I was to break up with my oh then I probably would end up with a black man any way as that's what I find attractive but as a pp said they may not be from the Same place any way. But if i did fall in love with a white man I would make sure that he still new all about his heritage. I will always try and celebrate him and the mix that he is and always make sure that he is comfortable in his own skin.

 

[lozzy21]

A cousins father is mixed race so my cousin has darker skin than the rest of his family and has no contact with his father. However hos dad only saw himself as british and had no ties to his caribean heritage. The only time he has mentioned it was when he was 4. His mum told him that every one was different, some people have blue eyes, brown eyes, different hair colours and different skin colours. He accepted that.

 

[fingers_cross]

thanks everyone His father lives in spain. hes 38 and spends his nights partying and his days sleeping. He says he wants joshua to know him etc but I really dont know what to believe. I did consider cutting him out but I really do feel its so so important for joshua to know where that side of him comes from. Ive never been to ghana (as his family disapproved of me since im white and his ex was also white and left him and broke his mothers heart as they were close) but seen lots of photos from when my ex used to go back there and its an absolutely beautiful country, everyone ive met from there are lovely. Its definitely something i want him to embrace. I know some black guys the same age as me (26) and they were raised in london by african parents and dont want to have anything to do with their heritage and think of themselves as british and thats it, dont travel back to visit family etc. So i guess it will completely be up to joshua as to what he chooses to connect with and what he feels himself to be. If he wants to embrace that part of his heritage thats absolutely fine with me. the way me and my ex broke up was civil but the reasons i left (hed wanted me to leave for a while i think but i wanted to fight for us, as i lived in spain with him) were full of hurt and anger. although im over that now (although still dont want anything to do with him on a personal level), we dont talk really at all, he contacts me maybe once a month saying hes getting a visa sorted etc. Its a real shame in a way as there is a big ghanaian community where he lives in spain and one of his close friends owns a ghanaian restaurant in the city. i do definitely plan to take joshua to spain one day (as i lived out there for 5 years and its like a second home) but i actually would rather wait until my ex leaves to go back to ghana as i know he would ruin it for us with his drama, but at the same time, if i do that, it will probably cause drama in itself for not telling him im going over etc. there is also the issue with the fact that i am very concerned about the fact that if he does see joshua, i dont want joshua to see him as a role model and if he ever turned out like him i would just be so upset. hes into a lot of illegal things and lives his life without any ambition or care really. but i cant cut him out, i dont want joshua to grow up and ask about his father and then blame me for not knowing him.

sorry that was a bit of a rant..but i feel better for getting it out!! x

 

[Liberty8888]

For what it's worth I think your going about this in the complete right way! X

 

[fingers_cross]

For what it's worth I think your going about this in the complete right way! X

thanks so much.xx

 

[Indi84]

I have no experience in this, but I feel a positive role model is more important, I'm sure you will teach your son he is beautiful no matter what, am maybe when he is older your could investigate his bio dad's history and culture together

Edit, sorry didn't see your above post, what your planning on anyway!

 

[Leids]

Hello. My son is mixed race, half Chinese and half white. I'm not in the same situation, but I do understand your concerns about identity crisis and things like that. I have a lot of mixed race friends as well (half African American and half Puerto Rican primarily) and their father is not in the picture, their mother is Puerto Rican and dates either white or other PR men now. They are not close to their father but do see him occasionally. They have never had any problems adjusting to the different male figures in their lives afaik, and they talked about it a good amount. If anything they felt a lot of disappointment in regards to their biological father.

I think it's important to teach mixed race little one's to be proud of who and what they are. Mixed race children are absolutely gorgeous and apparently healthier in general too! You can teach him about Ghana culture, like another poster said, and maybe (if it's safe) take him one day. Although his father isn't in the picture right now, it's important that he's proud of himself and where he came from. Although you may be with someone who isn't the same color, you can remind him that he's unique and wonderful and that everyone is different. I know that this may not always work but the most important thing is for him to feel like he's involved and not isolated due to his skin color.

Sorry if I'm not much help. I sometimes worry about my LO because although the area we live in is culturally diverse there aren't very many Asian Americans here.

 

[Liberty8888]

S

 

[Shadowy Lady]

ppl have already given u good advice. But I wanted to say that my LO is also mixed race and though me and DH are together (so different from your case), I still think it's important that he gets to know his dad's heritage too. Kids will not have an identity crisis if parents are honest with them from day one and expose them to all their different cultures. I think it will also lead to a kid who will grow up to be a more tolerant and accepting adult.

TBH I have never experienced racism here but mixed marriages/babies are very common where I live. I don't even have any friends coupled up from from the same ethnicities. My DH has a cousin who's native american (my DH is black and native) and she has a child from her ex who's native and black. She's now married to a white guy and has more mixed kids. I have not heard of any problem with the first child and he gets along amazingly with all three sides (he sees his dad in occasion).

Good luck hun, your LO is so friggin cute!