I went for my 12 week scan on Monday 7th Nov only to discover the baby died at 9 weeks. I knew straight away when I saw the little thing lifelessly on the screen. It was such a huge shock. I was still throwing up at 10 weeks and had grown quite a bump, so much so many of my colleagues had guessed at work. I opted for the ERPC and was taken into the hospital the following day. I was sobbing all the way to theatre, the staff were lovely - except for the surgeon who asked me when my last period was, I told him 11th of August and he estimated I was about 11 weeks, I told him I was 12 and 4 (it mattered to me) and he told the nurse "its going to be quite big then" the nurse was pretty angry saying the I did not need to know this, he said "I know, its just for us" the nurse angriy repeated what she said before. I wake up in the mornings feeling sad and empty. I do not need to get up to the loo in the middle of the night, I have lost my little bump - it just went away over night. The day before the scan I sorted through all the clothes that no longer fitted me and proudly hung up my maternity clothes, I still have the task of unsorting them. I bought chocolates to take to the staff room to celebrate my news which was never to be. I just want to throw them away, actually I just want to smash them against a wall. I have taken the week off work and been signed off for 2 more weeks by the doctors. To make things worse, the lady who teaches the same year as me is also pregnant, she is due two days after I was so there will be a constant reminder of what I have lost. I dont want to feel like this, I know it wont last, she deserves to have a happy pregnancy without feeling guilty about my loss. People are giving me time to grieve and I feel so lonely, I just want to talk about it with someone but dont want to burden them - which is why I am on here talking to you guys. I have never known a grief like this, it goes so deeply. I keep thinking I did not even ask if they knew the sex of the wee one or what happens to the remains after the operation. There is so much going on inside my head. I am however blessed with a beautiful 11 month old baby girl and a wonderful husband who has been so supportive. I know this feeling wont last forever, its just all so raw at the moment.