Money arguments....anyone else??

[Elodie]

Hi ladies

I really need a rant...everything is swirling round in my head right now and I just need to get it out.

I am 39, OH is 35, and this is our first baby after 2+ years of TTC. The pregnancy has been fraught with worry and difficulties and we have been through a lot of stressful times together, which thankfully has managed to bring us closer. OH is very supportive, making sure I get any medications I need and that I get plenty of rest and eat healthily. I am now on leave from work up until the birth (I'm 26 weeks) as I have had a cerclage for 1.7cm cervix so I'm on modified bed rest. As a result of this I have been feeling pretty isolated - I finished work last week but was working from home for about 2 months so I had minimal contact with the outside world and now it will be even less that I'm not working.

Recently I have become very concerned about the financial situation and what we will do in the future. A bit of background - OH grew up very comfortably in France with 2 working parents, fencing and horseriding with not a money worry in the world. I grew up in a single income family with 3 kids and life was a struggle. We always had food, a roof over our heads, a good education, and clothes for our backs but there was just no money at all left for holidays or nice things, and I had to sit by and watch many of my schoolfriends going on ski trips and doing lots of fun stuff.

As a result of my background and an abusive angry father, I worked my ass off both as a means of coping as well as never wanting to be in poverty. I spent 5 years at uni getting 2 degrees, then another 2 years studying for a professional accountancy qualification. I now have a great job that I enjoy and I make a good income. I am lucky that I am on sick pay until my maternity leave, which is quite generous so I really can't complain at all about that.

My issue is with OH. We have been together 4 years now. He is self employed and doesn't make a great salary. We live in London in a rented 2 bedroom flat. When I first met him, he said he was going to 'grow his business' and he hasn't. I make about 3 times what he makes and although we are comfortable I resent that he doesn't seem to be trying and making an effort for the future. He is 35 years old with no savings, no assets (apart from some gadgets), no pension, and no plans. About a year ago he was talking about doing some trade qualifications in the UK to get the same certification that he had in France. He got the books but has done nothing. I'm really concerned not just about now but about the future. I want our baby to have a house with a garden, like we did, somewhere to call home. I've looked at places we can afford and there is nowhere in London that is feasible so we would have to move out further. I have saved some money that would be enough for a deposit. But when I look at houses on the internet and show him, he really shows no interest.

This has all come to a head in the last month. He had some unexpected expenses and then his main contract didn't pay him on time, so he ran out of money. We have a joint account that we put money into each month, so I transferred my money for the next month a few weeks early so he would be able to pay our rent on time. We did some grocery shopping on the internet the other day and I asked him whether there was enough in the joint account to cover it, and he said yes (he manages the joint account as he does all the food shopping, I use my own account mostly). Then yesterday we get a call from the supermarket saying that the card has been declined, he looks at the online account and I saw that there wasn't enough to cover the groceries. I was furious. I transferred an extra £100 to cover. He then refused to ring back the grocery store to sort it out and told me that I could do it. I said that he was the one that had allowed this situation to happen and he should take responsibility. I felt really upset about this situation, it was like my childhood all over again and I felt really vulnerable. Now we don't have the delivery and I don't have the food I need for the week despite transferring all the money.

So we had a heated discussion. He basically thinks it is my fault that he has no money as I don't want him to work the long hours that he needs to do to bring in extra cash. I accept that I don't want him working long hours, this is because of my health situation and the isolation I am feeling so I really need his support. I have said to him that he needs to think about the future - where will we live, how will he be able to retire if he can't even carry some extra expenses? When I asked him what he planned to do for retirement, he just said 'when I retire I will just die' (great plan). He also thinks that I should be helping him find a solution and be more supportive - I feel that I have tried in the past to motivate him and give suggestions, but it has all fallen on deaf ears. Besides, I don't feel it is my job to get him to sort his life out, he's not a child.

I was hoping to go back to work 3 days a week once my maternity leave ends in a year, but this is looking increasingly unlikely as we will need the money. This makes me really sad as I want to spend as much time with the baby as possible while he is young.

I'm feeling really upset and angry now. I have bought everything for the baby, I have spent lots of money and he hasn't bought a thing. Before I got pregnant, we had some private fertility tests and I paid for everything, he didn't even offer. We had the harmony blood test for the baby and my father paid for it - he has never asked his parents for a single penny towards anything for the baby even though they are comfortable and much better off than my parents.

I've hardly slept the last few nights. I'm really anxious and worried about the future for us and our baby. My resentment is growing by the day. I have been seeing a counsellor for about 6 months and he has come to the last few sessions for couples counselling and we have started to discuss this issue. Friends with kids tell me that men get their act together when the baby is born. I really hope so. He told me that he will do whatever he can to provide for us, but I don't want empty words, I want action. I feel a lot of pressure on me to provide. Even if I wanted to change careers I probably wouldn't be able to as we need the money.

Thanks for reading if you have gotten this far! I don't really expect any advice but if anyone has been in a similar situation it would be good to hear some stories. Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am to have the life that I do and I know how incredibly difficult it is for some people just to get by. I am just not handling this whole situation well at all.

Elodie
xx

 

[kel21]

I have no advice, I just wanted to offer some

 

[ajlj1126]

Pregnancy always seems to bring out the worst for me & DH when it comes to money. Everything always works out though. I want to stay home with my babies but we couldn't afford it and it did make me harbor some resentment towards DH for not making more than he does, but we are both trying our hardest to make money now while we're young so we have something to leave to our kids.
It doesn't sound like you guys have much of a problem with money, it seems to me like you want him to take more of an initiative and better his life, rather than relying on you to make all the money. It's so stressful when you have a LO on the way.
It is true, though, that some people really do step it up quite a bit after baby is born. I hope this is the case for you two.

 

[gingmg]

Hugs! Sounds like a lot of stress right now. I am not in the same exact situation but I am also the "bread winner" and I can sympathize with the worries and responsibilities. I was in a similar situation for the past couple of years, but finally there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I've always been the one with the stable, good paying job. My wife is a musician, and although she has always worked very hard and is very talented- it's a tough life, isn't dependable, and doesn't pay well. We fell in love and I pretty much accepted that if we wanted to be together this was the life I was choosing. I carried the worry silently. I used to worry a lot about the future and had a lot of resentment and anger about our financial situation. She has a lot of student loans from her music degree and if I think about it too long, I get really upset and overwhelmed. Once we started TTC, things started becoming a little more real to her, and she decided to go back to school for a degree in medical imaging. So for the last year, and for the next two, she has been focusing on school so only works part time. As glad as I am that things will turn around for us in a few years, it definitely is stressful to find the extra money to put her though school and pay the mortgage and everything else right now. I know it will pay off in the end and our lives will be much more stable than it would have if she decided to stay in music.
I think your friends are right that things become more real for men once the baby is here. Maybe the fact that I married a woman is the reason these things started to occur to her earlier? In any case, I can relate to stress of everything falling on your shoulders. I hope it turns around for you. I know its not easy to be the one carrying the baby and the responsibility!

 

[MamaLa]

I can agree with what you are going through. I work in a clinic where I am like the back bone, I work 40+ hrs a week. He was working for a company full time then went into business for himself. I feel like since he's been self employed the money is so unsteady and I have to pick up the slack and feels like all my money goes to taking vare of home. He has all these clients and money comes in, but goes back into business expenses. So we never benefit from it at least I don't. Our credit card bill is due and I covered it last month it last month because he was going to pay me back the money since he was was going out of town for business to collect debts and talk about expansion. Then he calls me this weekend, and tells me that he can't cover it this month and that I need to pay it. I was furious I literally cried.i feel like the financial burden is on me and I can't depend on his money. I'm over whelmed, I can't support three people and live comfortable.

I just feel alone and like I'm supporting him. I asked him multiple times to go back to his full time job, since it's a steadier income and more profitable but he's stubborn, and says he hates working for other people. Then says business is going to pick up because he has things set up for when he comes back. He's been out of town for 3 weeks hasn't sent me a penny for anything. Just so stressful, I'm tired of worrying about money!

I had a second job that I quit when I found out I was pregnant, but seriously thinking about going back to working 72 he's a week, for the extra money. He's totally against that but I'm not going into debt for him.

 

[sashadoll]

Thank you for sharing. I didn't want to read and run bc you put your heart in that. I'm very sorry. I pray and hope he sees that you need him physically and financially. My husband now is not my first child's biological father. My first husband was such a jerk. I worked my butt off before I was pregnant with school full time and a job full time. We were together 6 1/2 years and I kid you not in footed the bill for everything not only that he was very abusive to me and it took lots of courage and support to leave him. I was young and wanted my first marriage to be my only marriage but I got tired of working my butt off to provide take care of a child and school full time. For me it never got better and I finally left and divorced him. I was used to doing things alone not needing help even if I wanted I would never ask but I met my husband he is a great provider. We are a team in all things it was hard to accept him at first but I know what you mean to want someone on t he same page. I pray he gets it together before the baby so that is one less than you have to worry about when he is there with you two♡ You can do this honey

 

[CastawayBride]

I am so sorry you are going through this....money and love can be so hard to find that happy medium.

I always knew I would work, being a stay at home mother was never in the cards. I have gone on to get a Masters and intend to use it, fully. I have a great career and also make more then my husband.

I do find that I feel the responsibility on my shoulders, I can totally relate to that! I also feel that I have much more drive then my husband in all different areas, from excelling, buying a larger home, to even planning vacations.

I think that the best thing to do is look at what you want realistically out of life. Can your significant other do/provide that? It is important for all to be as happy/content as possible. Best of luck to you!