Mother in law advice

[Cocoa]

Hi, I have an overbearing, pushy, 'can't take no for an answer' mother in law who I can't deal with.

She has started to make meals so she can bring them over during the day, but I hate being with her 1-1 as I can't deal with her and she stays for hours and hours and I can't get rid of her. So I normally invite the whole family over (FIL, BIL) in evening too..so they all get to see DDs and so I have backup of my husband.

For example, she asked to come today I said yes, but only until my daughter goes for a nap, so that would've made a 1 hour visit, plus she had an appointment that she had to get to, so that worked fine. But when she came round, she says to my DD (2.5) in front of me, that she'll come round again after her nap and appointment. Not even asking me first. So of course DD gets all excited, so I say I have to go to shops after her nap - ( I didn't, but just try anything so she didn't come round again) then she says back to my DD 'oh I'll come with you too and we'll all have a nice trip to the shops! Omg! My blood was boiling and I just didn't know what to say! Again my daughter got all excited, I tried more excuses but she just stopped listening.

She does this "asking indirectly" thing all the time when she knows we will say 'no' eg. sweets before bed, dinner, going to park when we're about to have dinner etc as she knows we can't say no after she's got our DDs hopes up.

She was also asking to put DD down for her nap, I kept saying it's too early, but she kept insisting, then of course my DD started asking to go to bed and for Granma to put her to bed. When I said it's too early I get a tantrum on my hands!!

My husband thankfully knows what she is like and he has had several arguments with her about it, but she just does not listen, it goes in one ear and out the other!! She's just so used to her husband and other son rolling over and doing as she says, that she thinks everyone else must!

How on earth do I deal with this, I'm a very shy, non confrontational person and I like to be polite to others, but she is making me so angry and she's completely ruined my afternoon as I know she's coming by again!

The only way I can tell her no is to be really rude about it and then probably upsetting the rest of the family who I don't have issues with! But how do I word it!?

Help!

 

[missk1989]

I would just say no next time she asks if she can come round. Tell her you have plans and go out. If she asks if she can come say you are meeting a friend. If she says she will come along say you would prefer she didnt as you havent seen your friend for a while and she has a lo that you want your lo to play with which she wont if grandma is there,(this will also stop her offering to take lo). Or tell her she can come round late afternoon after lo nap so you are not alone for too long before oh gets home. My MIL used to turn up unannounced and let herslef in so i locked the door! she doesnt boher now!

 

[Rachel_C]

I think you just have to be firm with her. If you don't feel able to really say it fully, just keep repeating the same thing e.g. "No I'm sorry, it's a nice suggestion but that isn't going to be possible today". If she insists on using your daughter to get her way, throw it right back at her, "No darling, I'm sorry granny made you all excited about that but she knows that isn't possible today, silly granny shouldn't have mentioned it without checking with me first". Sneaky, yes, but it should get the point across.

 

[seoj]

I agree- you just need to be firm. Assert what YOU want hun- you don't have to be harsh or rude- just stand your ground. Hopefully, in time, she'll catch on... I know it's tough. I wasn't in exactly the same situation- but when I became full time parent to my SD (9yrs at the time)- it was a HUGE adjustment for my MIL and Hubbies aunt. They didn't see me as a parent or respect those boundaries- they both got used to giving SD whatever she wanted to make up for what she went through at a young age with her bio-mom (no matter how much my hubby fought it... long story).

Anywho- at one point, I finally said to myself "enough is enough" I have to stop giving in and just shying away from confrontation. I didn't confront them - per say. I just decided to take my role and responsibilities into my own hands and forget what they thought and do what I knew was best for my SD. In time- they adjusted. It's not been an issue since... didn't happen over night. Years (baby stepping)- but it's a total 180 now from where we began. There was always love- and they weren't doing it out of spite or anger- just cause they were "used" to it- and took on that "motherly" role when SD didn't really have one. So I get it- to a point... but I had to learn how to change my reaction to their behavior, cause getting them to just change (cause I asked them to) would not of worked

Not sure any of that makes sense... but this is YOUR LO. You are mama bear! I was a touch worried it might start up again when my LO came along- but I'M mom so it's a much different dynamic.

sorry for the novel! lol

 

[Cocoa]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I do have to remember that they are my children and what I say goes - strangely I forgot that when I'm around strong people! I'm going to make more of an effort to stand my ground and not be used as a doormat! It's strange some things I can be quite strict about with her, like my daughter says part instead of park but I don't correct her as she's still young, but mil sat there telling her to 'say it properly it's park!' After her doing this I had to tell her off saying that she's still young and still learning. She just laughed it off tho but she did stop!