Mother in law at birth

[Sashkas]

So right before bed my wife springs on me that she wants her mother to be there during the birth. Some background, her mother has had some history in adding much stress to our lives. During our wedding planning she basically went crazy and we both had to distance ourselves to stay sane. Right now things are ok and has been better in supporting my wife but she has been pushing her own ideas what we should do during the pregnancy and birth. She keeps trying to get us to see specialists in different fields because her daughter is "sick" with this or that (not the case) and insists we should plan a c section. My wife is the nervous type and takes it to heart and stresses every day with this. She still sees her as the loving caring mother who raised her (mental issues came up 3-4 years ago).

Back to today, I in no way expected to have others in the room with us during the birth. My wife thinks it might help her get through it and if there is anything I can do to make my wife feel better I'm all for it. But I gave my objections and reasons below:
1. Her mother stresses her out (and me).
2. I wanted to share this moment with only two people; wife and baby.
3. God help us but if something goes wrong I need to be able to make desitions that I think are best for mother and baby without distraction.

Am I crazy?

 

[T8ty]

You are completely right!! My mother in law asked and I said sorry but no. She was absolutely fine with not being there as luckily she's a lovely lady and very understanding. I wanted a natural birth and se wanted me to have a epidural etc! I think her being there may have swayed my decisions as I was quite out of it!

I did however ensure she was the the first to be told after Isabella was born, she was the first one in hospital to see her/hold her etc, and she was with me when I laboured at home! So she still felt part of it all.

 

[cait]

Is it 100% your wife that wants this and not the mother pushing it on her? If so then you probably have to let it happen. I understand that you'd rather just have you her and the professionals there, but your wife will be the one pushing out a baby and you really have to concede to what she wants - it's a big deal for her and I know a lot of women who like to have their mum there.

Personally I wouldn't want anyone but my husband but everyone has different comfort levels.

If you think it is because your MIL is pushing this on your wife then you need to have a serious chat with your wife about the potential stress this might cause in an already stressful time.

I would ask your wife to write into her birth plan that she wants you to have the final say on any decisions that need to be made in the event that your wife can't make them herself (what medication preferences, episiotomy vs tear, use of forceps/vacuum, who cuts cord etc.). And you need to talk to MIL about this too if she is going to be there.

Good luck.

 

[Celesse]

I loved having my mum there!!! She was amazing both times.

I think the invite list for labour should be written by the woman who has her foof on display and is going to be in a helluvalot of pain.

 

[joeyjo]

If your wife really wants get mum there then that is what should happen.

If she just wants additional support incase you are upset and struggling then maybe suggest a doula.

 

[Amalee]

I think you could find a middle ground with her. Maybe you guys could call her mother when your wife heads to the hospital, and request that she wait in the waiting room when she gets there. You and your wife can be alone as long as you're both happy with that, then her mom is just a stone's throw away if your wife decides she needs her mom in there too.

Ultimately I think that the woman giving birth gets the final say in who is there.

 

[AP]

Whilst I completely agree with your views (didn't want to share that moment ) but of your wife feels she needs that support ultimately I think you'll need to give in. It is her going through quite an experience. However I think the pp is right , you could compromise and I think that's fair. Perhaps she could stay til the lady few moments and them leave you both to it(baring in mind she has to leave, none of this last minute "I'm staying and you can't stop me" moments!)

 

[JessPape]

Her mom gave birth to her, her mom is experienced in birth and nows what she is going though. If she wants her mom there let her, voice your concerns but don't tell her no. You'll still be her main support partner, but for some women having their mom present is important piece of their birth.

 

[MissRhead]

I had my mum with me and partner last time, this time it will just be my mum, my mum can go over the top with things and take over at times but I could no way do it without her, if my partner told me I couldn't have her their I would have been really upset and I'd have let her regardless. I guess it depends on the closeness of the relationship too, my mums like my best friend so her not being their just wasn't an option for me x

 

[wtbmummy]

I can see your concerns and actually my DH has said the same but for different reasons.
Before we got pregnant it was always said I would have DH and my step mum (whos like my best friend) with me. After getting pregnant this was still the case. After the 12week scan DH said to me that actually he wanted it to be just us two so we could share the moment together.
When I said I wanted her there as someone I could shout at instead of DH so he could enjoy it more he explained he wanted to be that person and we made this baby together so he wanted to bring it into the world together. That is how we are now doing it. Im very scared that it will be us two but I know he is the best person to support me and help me make quick disicions that I wont regret later. Speak to your wife n tell her how you feel, but do remember that she is hormonal so pick a good time
DH has agreed that if we have another baby that then I can have my step mum and him with me but the first he wants to be just us

You never know your wife might change her mind anyway if MIL gets to intense

 

[Paperhearts]

Since I am the one giving birth, I would be livid if my DH told me my mother couldn't be there. I mean, it's my MOTHER. I think if your wife wants her mother there, she should have that. She's the one giving birth and any support she feels would help would be kindest to her.

 

[Starry Night]

I do think that if your wife really, REALLY wants her mom to be there then you should definitely let her do that.

Saying that, however, I am of the opinion that while in the case of labour the mom's decision carries the most weight, I wouldn't totally ignore the OH's concerns either. What if the mom and OH had a bad relationship? I wouldn't want my mom making my DH feel like he was in the way or didn't let him have those first moments with the child he created. I would at least listen to any concerns and then I could address why it would be so important my mother was there and then promise she wouldn't make DH feel like a third wheel at the birth of his own child.

 

[Foogirl]

Before I had Abby, I had considered having either my mum or my sister with me, just because I was terrified of what I had to do and i'm close with them both. I really thought I'd like to share the experience with my sister. I spoke to Mr Foo about it and he said he would rather it were just him and me and that no matter what happened, he was perfectly capable of looking after me. He was quite hurt at the implication that he might just not be up to the job in hand and was offended that I thought there was something they could do for me that he could not. And you know what? He was absolutely right. It was just as much his decision as it was mine and the fact it was me going through the actual childbirth was quite irrelevant, it was his moment too and putting the shoe on the other foot, I would feel the same if he invited his mum along to anything significant. In fact, when we went for a 3D scan, MIL and my mum came along but I wanted them both to leave the room when we were told the gender. My mum went out but MIL didn't. It turns out Mr Foo had told her she had the choice. That, to me, was a special moment and it irked me she was there. I could see his point when he said the same thing about having anyone else at the birth.

As it was, it all went tits up at 29 weeks and she had to be whipped out, I was knocked out, and it was just him and me. We barely spoke to one and other because it was so manic before I was whisked off to theatre for a general Anaesthetic. It still bothers me to this day that I was robbed of that birth experience so I can imagine that he'd feel the same if I'd invited some interloper into the room.

I would talk to her and point out that you can do anything she thinks she needs her mother to do, tell her your fears about stress and although I seem to be in a minority of 1 here - remind her this will be your day too.

 

[sojourn]

It didn't seem like from the OPs post that he was going to lay down the law or anything.
I COMPLETELY understand. I loathe my MIL, she is legitimately crazy (like in an institution kind of crazy) she has a profoundly unsettling effect on my generally calm and stable husband. I would be extremely upset if he insisted that she be at an even that would be scary or unnerving for me (like watching your spouse give birth).

I think whoever's OH said that they made the baby together and that they could bring it into the world together had the BEST words. I think you should tell her that A) it is up to her (her giving birth does, legitimately, kind of trump your discomfort in the end) but B) you would really like to share the special moment together. Tell her you are calm and confident and that you'd really like to start off your lifetime of parenting with each other. I wouldn't make it about her mom. I wouldn't even mention her (this is my tactic). I would make it about the two of you and the life-changing event at hand.

Good luck with that! It's a sticky situation.

 

[Misscalais]

I don't think you should have her there BUT your wife might feel like she need more support other then just you.
I've had two babies and much to everyone's disappointment I only had hubby ( and medical staff ) in with us. It was much more comfortable that way although I think it was my hubby that would have needed the extra support he doesn't like seeing me in pain.
Good luck with it.

 

[Starry Night]

My dh is lucky in that my mom wouldn't even want to be there. I think she is grossed out by the idea of seeing her daughter in that position. lol And I think she's be the first to panic ("my baby is having a baby! waaah!") Our hospital does its best to encourage unwanted family members to go home. They're not allowed in the delivery ward and they purposefully put out the most uncomfortable chairs in the waiting lounge. ha ha

 

[Amalee]

My dh is lucky in that my mom wouldn't even want to be there. I think she is grossed out by the idea of seeing her daughter in that position. lol And I think she's be the first to panic ("my baby is having a baby! waaah!") Our hospital does its best to encourage unwanted family members to go home. They're not allowed in the delivery ward and they purposefully put out the most uncomfortable chairs in the waiting lounge. ha ha

My mom would be terrible - she always tries to "over help" if that makes sense. I could NOT handle that! So it's good to know some hospitals do that!