Mums of teenagers. HELP!!!!

[Hannah]

Hi!

This is the first time in this part of the forum, I have two little girls, a 2 year old and 10 week old. My DH has two adoptive little sisters, the eldest of which is 16 and basically has come to live with us on a temporary basis and I have no idea what 16 year olds are allowed to do!

This is made more completed by the circumstances of her coming to stay, basically, she has accused my hubby's dad, her adopted father of sexually abusing her since she was 11. Her adopted mother (hubby's step mum) has sided with her husband and kicked out both of the girls, we can only take one and hubby's brother has the younger sister. Social service are happy that she stay here but obviously she is 'troubled'. If she is telling the truth or lying then she obviously has issues.

She is a very young 16 and her parents have kept her very isolated and sheltered, for example, she is not allowed friends in the house, has never been to the cinema without her parents, not allowed on Facebook, twitter, she had never even had a chewit sweet until this weekend! Hubby and I are alot more relaxed than this and as she is possible looking at going into independent living with help from social services, we feel she needs to gain some independence, we let her go to town on Saturday with her friends, as long as she answered the phone if we called, she let us know if she was going elsewhere and was On the 4pm bus home.

From what I remember that was pretty normal when I was the age but what is normal now? What is a normal curview for a 16 yr old on weekdays and then weekends, are friends allowed over, how many at once? Do they have their mobile on all the time (she is permanently glued to it!) do they have chores? What are they if so? Is there anything I have missed? Any advice would be great!

 

[kit10grl]

wow tough siituation either way like you said, hope its resolved quickly.

In the meantime i have to say her parents sound very strict. When i was 16 (which was a few years ago now) my home time was 11 on weekends and weeknights. I was out most nights attending classes (drama, dance,band) and would often go strsaight from school so would be out the house from 7am t 11 pm. I never really took friends home as i didnt get on with my step dad so the more time out the house the hapiier i was.

Facebook and mobiles werent really round then but my much younger sister always had her laptop and phone and wa sglued to both. She never had any limists on them, unless we were eating a meal togeher. And even then they were never far away.

In my parents defense we were pretty savvy 16's and not young as your DH's sister is so i woouldnt suddenly give her no rulkes or anything as she might get a bit carried away but i would reccomend letting up a lot of what she has been living under or she will go nuts if she ends up in her own place and might then struggle to set a sensible set of rukles for herself.

i know you were looking for a parents point of view on this but ive only got the kids point of view, hope it helped anyway and you can set some boundaries that work for everyone

 

[Ribbleroo]

Hi

I can only tell U about our normal

Curfew for a 16 yr old - on weekdays 9:30 generally (if they stiill have homework)
and then weekends generally 10:00 on Sat and 9:30 Sun (college tomorrow)

There may be exceptions for special occasions but this would be the rule.

are friends allowed over. - Yes, how many at once? Depends on what they are like. I would start with ones get to know them. We jave had groups of 5 or 6 for a sleepover.

Do they have their mobile on all the time (she is permanently glued to it!). Yep

do they have chores? Yep

What are they if so? - Clearing up after meals, hovering, making oocasional meal. We havena chore rotabon fridge. Caused a lot of friction at first bust saved a lot of nagging in the long term.

Is there anything I have missed? Best not to worry about tomorrow. Today had enough of it's own. LOL

 

[hellohefalump]

To be honest, if she is 'happy and healthy' I don't think it matters what time she has to come in. If she is being 'age appropiate' if you know what I mean... like it's normal for her to want to go out shopping with friends, but it's not normal to like, become a heroin addict. If she's staying safe, and she answers her phone when you call her, I wouldn't be too worried.

My sister lives with us and I have parental responsibility for her. She is fourteen. However she has 'issues' (mainly anorexia) and really struggles socially. I would be overjoyed if she went out, and got back late (even though I'd also be angry and worried), but I'd be happy because that is 'normal' at that age.


As for how many friends are allowed over - that's up to you, however many you feel comfortable with, it's your house and it's a personal thing.

However, you do have to have 'some' rules, don't just let her do whatever she wants. When I was sixteen I was not 'staying safe'. I was walking around the backstreets of London late at night, starving myself, cutting myself... basically putting myself in danger. Now my parents didn't care what time I came in. That sent out the message to me that they didn't care.

 

[Nervousmomtob]

Hi there!
When I lived with my dad he allowed me to have a facebook, myspace, etc but I was "friends" with him on it. It wasn't a rule or anything just something we did

As far as chores I'd just do whatever he asked me to. I did my own laundry, help with dishes from time to time, clean bathrooms etc
I'd encourage her to at least help cook meals that way she learns how to cook if she doesn't already know how. I wish I would've learned more because I've moved out now and am useless at cooking half the time.

As far as curfew mine was 9 on week nights and 10 on Friday and Saturday nights. Unless it was a special occasion and I asked first. For example he let me stay out fairly late on homecoming night because I was almost always home early or right on time. And it was a special occasion.

Friend wise my dad liked all my friends and if I wanted to have one over or 5 over he was fine with it he just wanted to know first.

Oh and the phone thing I was glued to mine a lot he didn't mind so much though because I'd still talk to him and help out.

I think that's everything. Lol