My Dilemma - Long

[Mrs. JJ]

So I can't stop thinking about getting pregnant. Shocking right? I think about it, talk about it, look up names online, shop for baby furniture and just obssess in general.

On the other hand, I research too much and I'm scared to death or I just think "Maybe we'll wait another year". I can't come to a conclusion so I'm gonna lay it all out here on you ladies.

A little background:
DH and I were married in August of 2008, we've been together for 5 years in May and we've known each other for about 22 years. DH is 29 this year and I'll be 28 in October. Oh ya and we live in Souther California near LA.

Our entire relationship has been one financial struggle after another. We bought our house 3 years ago and have been killing ourselves ever since to make the payments plus pay all the other bills and it's still not over. I won't get into it too much but our mortgage company is so lame so we're trying to get it straightened out. Recently DH has been doing really well at work and may soon have a bit more money coming in so if we get our mortgage straightened out and he's making more money we're going to finally not have to stress over the bills and get caught up on everything.

So assuming this works out (which there's no reason it shouldn't, we just have to wait it out for the next few months) then DH is dying to have a baby. His best friend has kids, his brother has 3 girls (our darling nieces), and now even my big sister is pregnant (Yay Sarah!!) so we're constantly thinking about it. I think he's mostly in a hurry cause he's going to be 30 next year and we're both already older then our parents were when they had us. that being the case I have a laundry list of things I need to do or get done before we get pregnant so here are some of them:

Pay off debt
Refinance
Remodel master bath
Replace carpet
Buy new fridge
Buy new stove
Get in good shape
Get healthy
TRAVEL

So most of these are pretty much depending on our financial stability and there's not much I can do about them at the moment. I'm working on the getting in shape thing and get healthy thing so that's good and we're going to Hawaii in August which is amazing! So the idea was to start TTC after Hawaii. Omg that is so soon! One half of me is ecstatic that it's so soon and the other half is thinking it's too soon.

I am reading the best book right now called Eat, Pray, Love. It's an amazing book about a woman's road to self discovery through her travels (and she's so funny I find myself smiling and giggling while I read). As I'm reading this at night before bed I realize that I'm actually angry that I've never really traveled. I have always wanted to travel, I want to see Europe! But in all these years we've hardly traveled at all because of finances and here we are about to finally be free of this vice and we're talking about having a baby. I can kiss traveling goodbye for awhile, so much for having money (these little suckers are expensive!), so we're right back where we left off.

Then there's the side of me that thinks that treveling right now is a stupid idea (what with the US dollar being practically worthless) and then DH having to take time off work which is not easy. So if Europe is a pie in the sky dream, why not have a baby? It's not like Europe won't be there in a few years! There's nothing else I'm holding out for that we can't accomplish in the next few months and we're dying to have a child and do family outings and not be the only people at the children's parties with no kids.

So then I start researching. I'm all about the natural birth, I want a waterbirth in my own home with no drugs (which is ridicules cause I'm such a huge baby) and I want our baby to co-sleep with us for the first 6 - 12 months and I can't wait to make my own baby food! But then I start reading about possible complications and I'm scared to death of having a c-section or even stitches and then I REALLY scare myself by watching home births on youtube (which are really incredible but look soooooo freaking painful). That's when i start thinking... I'm only 27, I have soooooo much time.

Anyhow, I bet you ladies have had similar reservations and so feel free to throw out whatever advice you've got. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm being pulled in 2 directions and damnit I just want to plan!!!



Heather

 

[Winter Belle]

Hi Mrs. JJ,

It sounds like there are definitely reasons for both your arguments... so I don't think you can make a wrong decision.

I think the travelling/baby debate is one of the hardest if you really have the desire to travel. There are some places that perhaps should be visited as a couple alone but I also think that, if you are able to wait for a baby to have grown up for a few years, then taking a 5-6 year old to some of these places can actually be just as rewarding because you see the places through their eyes too, and you get to teach them some amazing things along the way.

I guess it is only a question that you can answer and at some point you will know what is right or have the answer given to you. Try not to worry about it too much.. especially don't worry about the labour part.. every mother I have ever spoken to has told me that it was totally worth it

xxx

 

[LoobyLou75]

I agree with Winter Belle.

Me and my DH have spent the last 3 years going from 'yes, we want one' to 'lets wait until so and so' and it's been frustrating. Even up until very recently, I was like, well, work wont be happy if me and my work colleague get pregnant at same time (she's recently married and TTC) and so I though we'd wait but then I thought well she may not get pregnant straight away etc etc and I thought why should I put my life on hold for something I want so here we are!

Go with your gut instinct, whatever you feel is tugging you the most.

 

[Cinnamon]

I also find myself thinking about being pregnant and having a baby all the time. I have actually restricted my entry to BnB because I'm WTT until march 2010 and I don't want to get too obsesed and pass the months without enjoying them... I probably will go crazy on BnB come the end of the year but now I'm just taking it easy.

About the money situation, I know what you mean. Here(Spain) it's a big crisis and we have just started noticing lately. I only got half my wages this month (Haven't been paid yet although usually I have my money by this time) and at my other job I only got paid half also because there was some kind of mistake!!! Just my luck! Anyway, we have always saved up together to go at least one place a year and we've made it. I love travelling and I won't stop with or without children. When I was young I used to travel twice a year since I was born and if my mum could handle it I can and I certainly thank my mum for taking me... I know one child isn't the same as four (I plan on having 4) but she was a single mum and I have my DH so it works out for me. It is one of my best childhood experiences.
I also have been with DH for five years (last dec) and got married july 2008 so I can relate and we also talk about babys now and again. I know he's willing if I ask to have a baby right now, but with our situation I don't think bringing a LO into the picture is a good idea at all. I must at least save to buy a cot and trolley minimum!!!

It's hard to resolve the dilema but I think your heart will tell you when it's the right moment... I'm counting on it for me!! xxx

 

[genkigemini]

#1 - You are a bitch for going to Hawaii and not Alaska.

#2 - Honey, I think you should follow your heart. You and J have a great relationship and in all honesty, I think it is almost impossible to feel totally financially ready for a child. I think it is just one of those things that will work itself out. You guys can do it.

#3 - As far as travel, Jack and I are dying to go to Japan but now we just plan on taking LO with us! It will be so much fun to have overseas family pics!

#4 - I love you soooooo much, Little Sister! You know I love you more than anyone else in the family!

 

[Mrs. JJ]

LOL Sar! I love you toooooo! Don't worry, I'm still coming to Alaska but it may be more like early 2010 so you're baby will be a few months old (I can't take off time in 4th quarter from work cause it's our busiest time). Then I can bring J and we can do some fun stuffs with the baby. And who knows... maybe I'll be pregnant! Not too pregnant though of course. :thumpup:

Actually Hawaii is sort of a surprise because someone else booked it for us and paid for it up front so if work goes well for J, we may not have to pay for it. This is especially awesome because one of the things to do on my pre-baby list is travel to Hawaii.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I still don't know what's gonna happen. J and I talked last night (well, I cried mostly, why am I so freakin emotional??). He's so amazing. He's always more then willing to do whatever makes me happy. And I'm trying to tell him that I want to know what he wants too. I don't think he's jazzed about traveling to Europe. He wants to go someday but it's hard for him to take off work and I really think he wants a baby sooner rather then later. And I know we'll never be fully prepared for a baby, there's just a few things we can change which we're working on so I don't really think finances will be a problem when it comes down to it. The only thing I'm really thinking about is, after 5 years of struggling, should we sit back and take a few deep breaths and enjoy it or go right into more stress? I mean I know a baby is wonderful and it's an experience full of love but it's also stressful I think especially at the end of pregnancy!

Also when we were talking last night we realized something. Most of my anxiety I think is stemming from my job. I know, I'm lucky to have one and one that's so flexible and there are some pretty cool people I work with... but what it comes down to is the place is sucking out my soul! (Drama much?) J even says he can see it in my eyes when I come home. Last night I literally walked in the door with zero energy, dragging my feet, and not able to stand up straight. It's not like my job is hard, I spend half the day messing around on here, but 8 hours of staring at a computer screen and sitting on my ass is wearing on me. Not to mention I work for a Health Insurance company so to spend 5 days a week doing this work is what's starving my soul. I have zero interest in what I do, I take zero pride in it. I hate the company I work for! Lot's of changes are happening right now so it's making it harder for me to just go about my business. Anyhow, the most appealing thing about getting pregnant is I get a bunch of time off, LOL! Then I can work from home for a few months and after that... well maybe by that time I can be a SAHM.

So at this rate... I think TTC is still on for August. You're right we can travel with the LO although I think the idea is to have 2 pretty close together so it may be awhile but that's ok. In the meantime I'll work on exploring the US as much as possible. Oh ya and now that I'm almost 28... our chances for twins are higher and then of course you know it runs on my side on the family (brothers are twins) and his side (FIL is a twin) so if that happens will be very busy for awhile. I really hope it doesn't just for the sake of my body and the first year or so because lord knows I'll be alone a lot and so leaving the house goes from, throwing a wrap on the baby to an entire production. But what will be will be...

Cinnamon - Thanks for the reply. It's nice to hear that you're mom took you traveling a lot and it meant so much to you. That certainly makes me feel better about traveling with LOs. I want them to grow up with many wonderful life experiences. As a child I never went anywhere, I was lucky if I'd even left the city for a day. I think that has something to do with why I feel so cheated now and why I want so badly to travel. I'm sorry about the situation there in Spain, makes me feel bad to be bitchin about my situation here! I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Mrs. JJ]

You know, I'd like to add that I'm so glad Sarah introduced me to BnB. Just writing down my thoughts and getting your responses makes me feel so much better. I've been walking around with this weight on my shoulders because other then DH I don't have anyone to really lay it all on because I think everyone is tired of hearing about baby stuff from me. I feel so much lighter now!

Thank you all for being patient with me!!

 

[genkigemini]

Heather, you need to make a WTT Journal! Have a nice weekend!

 

[Cinnamon]

I really mean it meant a lot to me, she took me to England and Seville once a year and then to one of the other islands(Gran Canaria), a couple of times, Madrid, Barcelona, Cádiz, Zaragoza, Castellón, and Canada. That´s a good lot of travelling and it was good fun. I experienced and Expo in Seville with representations of many countrys of the five continents, learnt to appreciate different types of food (even snails, which are yummy I must say and frog legs in France when I went by myself). She tought me clues to get around, such as remember shop names or trees to get back to the hotel, or how to succeed in the underground or train and plane (there isn't an underground here). Also different languages and of course the views and things to see. Thanks to her I am a regular traveller and have gotten hubby into the mood although he hates planes!!

 

[Mrs. JJ]

Sarah - Where do I do that? Should I just change the title of this one into my WTT journal or is this the wrong place?

Cinnamon - I have not even heard of half of the places you visited, how sad! It sounds wonderful to have traveled so much, I hope my children will look back and remember wonderful times like that too. You've given me hope!

So Husband and I have been talking a lot about this. We decided to have a baby sooner (3 months until TTC!!) and in the meantime I've demanded that we travel as much as we can around the states here. I told him one thing we absolutly HAVE to do before TTC is spend a long weekend wine tasting in Napa Valley. I've always wanted to go wine tasting there (in fact he was planning on taking me when we got engaged but plans changed) and for obvious reasons this is something that need to be done prior to TTCing.


So with Napa Valley and Hawaii plus a camping trip somewhere inbetween... I think that should hold me over for a bit. And we've talked about San Francisco and a cruise but that would probably be with the LO. OMG this is so exciting!!! We're gonna try to have a baby soon!!

Ok, time to head to a chiro appt.

 

[genkigemini]

Make your journal here -- https://www.babyandbump.com/wtt-journals/

Then send me the linkk in my preggo journal! Give J a kiss for me!