My family doesn't want to include my partner's name on Baby Shower invites...

[babynowplease]

I am confused about whether I am being over-sensitive here, or if I have a right to be annoyed.

My aunts (who are very against gay relationships) are throwing me a Skype baby-shower from across the country. The fact that they are throwing it for me at all seems to be a step in the right direction - a sign of support. However, I texted them the other day to confirm that they were also going to include my partner's name on the invitation, and they said they were not. They also said that they had already printed the invites, so it was too late to change them - and that even if they had the time/ability to make the change, they wouldn't, because showers are for the woman who is pregnant.

Their rationale is that the baby shower is for the mother - the father's name does not often go on an invite. My thought is that even though I am the pregnant one, we are both the mothers here. Since my partner will be participating in the shower, I feel like her name should also be included on the invite.

It's not just a matter of the invitations to me - it's a matter of whether my partner feels included through the whole process. If her name is not on the invitations, most of the cards will probably just be addressed to me. Will my name be the only name on the cake (if they use a name)?

None of this is really a huge deal, but my partner already feels really insecure around this part of the family, since she knows that they are opposed to our relationship. I haven't told her what is going on yet, because I'm afraid that she will be so upset she will want me to cancel the baby shower and never talk to them again. Cancelling the shower would build a huge rift between myself and the extended family, but I will admit that I myself am at the point where I'm not sure it's very healthy for me to be in contact with them.

I can also say, though, that I can see my aunts' points of view. This is 'new territory,' and I think it's reasonable to assume that the shower would be for the pregnant one, since most showers are. It just upsets me that even when I told them how I felt, they said that they wouldn't change things, even if they could. Since my partner is going to be at the shower, I feel like she should be recognized in invites, cakes, cards, etc. I just happen to be the one carrying the babies.

Am I being unreasonable here? Should I even be upset at all? Sometimes it's hard for me to gage whether my feelings on this type of thing are justified, or if it's just me over-reacting because I have come to expect discrimination.

 

[The2mums]

Hey, if we had a shower I (as the none birth month) would not expect my name to be on the invites as its not my shower it would be my wife's. For this baby I am the "dad" next baby I will be the birth mum and so then I would expect my nam on it but not my wife's

Hope it helps xx

 

[MummyPony]

Hmmmm I think if you would like it then they should respect you and include her name
I don't know what is normal but its your baby and your shower they should respect you

 

[whatwillbex]

I suppose its unknown territory as to what is the right thing to do, its all new to everyone. We didn't even think about a shower. Its a lovely gesture that they are throwing you both the party so its a step in the right direction even though your partners name isn't on the invites.

My parents arranged a surprise one for my partner and I and invited my partners parents which had to travel from an hour away. This was the first time they had all met in 10 years since we had got together.
It was so nice and bought both families together. With our shower all family was welcome brothers and aunties etc. The nicest thing was my mum giving my partners mum a bunch of flowers at the end giving her a hug and kiss on the cheek.
Its funny how already such a small little person who isn't born yet can bring people together.
I do understand what you mean though. Tricky one.

 

[sheepydoll]

I understand where you're coming from. My partner's having a hard time with the pregnancy because everything is about me! I think it's hard for her to see where she fits in because I'm carrying the child and all she did was work the syringe. lol. We're having 2 baby showers. My mom is throwing one and her mom is throwing one. When my mom decided not to put my partner's name on the invitations she was upset, but then she found out that even her own mother wasn't putting her name on the invitations to her shower. She loosened up a bit after that. In all fairness, the baby shower is kinda like a party for the one who's about to have to push a baby out. It's sort of like saying "You're about to be in a lot of pain. So here's a gift basket."

 

[ilovehim91810]

Hmmmm I think if you would like it then they should respect you and include her name
I don't know what is normal but its your baby and your shower they should respect you

i do agree wit you 100% mummypony and since she is taken part in the shower i do believe her name should be on there too,when i had my shower they put my dh name on the invit but you know what as long as you two are going to be sharing the wonderful moments at the shower together then i wouldnt even sweat it!! you should go get her one of those pins that say MOMMY TO BE!! both ofu should open the gifts together and if they only make one hat give her a turn if their not trying to make sure she feels welcome and apart of it the only thing u can do is to do that for her best wishes too you guys

 

[MommaAlexis]

100% agreed ilovehim!! Instead of causing a fight, include her. They may just not really understand. The men arent even invited to showers here so the fact that she can be there is great!

 

[MommyKC]

When my Mom threw a baby shower for me, my husband's name was not on the invites either. Typically the shower is thrown for the one who is pregnant, at least here anyway.

 

[bjbuchanan]

My partner and I both agree that the bigger issue is not that your partner's name is not on the invitation but that your family is not respecting your wishes. My partner (who is not carrying) would be greatly offended if my family did something like that and we empathize with the emotions.

If it is too late to change the invites, then I would embrace the oppotunity to show that side of your family what lovely mom's the two of you would be. Include your partner in as many ways as possible, helping her to feel comfortable and allowing your family to see how much you adore her as a partner and a new mommy.

I hope things go well and that your partner focuses the love you have for her and not so much on what other people think.

 

[chickenlegs]

I do understand that it is genearlly the person carrying the baby who has the baby shower. But for some people, the decision about who carries / who is biologically the parent of the baby (not necessarily the same thing) is taken out of their hands. So the idea of being "excluded" from the shower as you are not the true mother, would be particularly hurtful. Would you not throw a shower for a woman who was having a baby through surragacy? That is the way that I see it, as potentially controversial as that may be! Treat both women as mothers. Cos thats what they will be.

 

[GingerPanda]

Hmmm.

While I feel a little miffed that they are against love (lol), I think it's a sweet thought to throw you a baby shower. They are right that normally it is only the mother's name on the shower invitations. But same-sex partnerships can be different. You're both going to be mothers to this child.

But I don't know if they don't understand or if they don't approve. On one hand, if they weren't 100% positive given that it was a different situation than they were used to, they should have contacted you before printing the invitations. On the other hand, if it was going to be something that was important to you, then you should have contacted them beforehand as well.

Their lack of remorse, even being a bit catty, about not being able change the invitations makes me feel like there might have been a little bit of maliciousness behind it that they were hoping would go unnoticed because traditionally it is only the person's name that is giving birth on the invites.

I would make sure your partner feels very included in the celebration. Take turns or help each other opening gifts, both of you participate in any activities and games that may take place. If there's going to be a "congratulations" banner or sign with your name on it, make sure hers is on it too. So on and so forth.

But at the end of the day, really the only confirmation you need of love in your growing family is the love that you two share for your child. Don't let your aunts get you down in any case.

Congratulations!