My family just don't get it....

[billie1007]

This is our 25th month now, (I remember writing this is our 16th month now and feeling sorry for myself in a previos post!) and my sister is about to give birth to a baby that they conceived first time.

I am sitting here with a girl in a detention and I could just cry. I barely every cry. I remember my sister calling me two days into my honeymoon to say she was worried she had drank so much at my wedding because.... she was pregnant! I was excitied then because I really thought my time was coming soon.

Now I don't feel excited about the birth of their baby. I know it is horrible but I think they want a girl and I am hoping they get a boy so that they can even feel a little bit disappointed.

Why does my Mum keep sending me pictures of her bump? Why do they think it is appropriate? Why are they so stupidly thick to think for a moment that I am not really hurting. I know it isn't my sisters fault but I just feel like I am surrounded my morons.

I used to read the posts here about how people were getting upset about Facebook statuses always being about children or pregnancy updates or announcements and I used to think those women had gone a bit crazy for it to be affecting them so much. I am now the same. I am so fed up of seeing 'Harry's on solids' or Rebecca smiled today and it isn't windypops' or 'Off to the Park with my special girl and amazing husband'.

Maybe this is why I haven't fallen pregnant yet. Maybe there is too much meanness inside me.

I've had enough.

Love to all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[cooch]

You're not mean at all. You have just drawn a really short straw in life- like me and others on here. It is shit, it isn't fair but hopefully, hopefully things will work out. I'm having a surprisingly good day- ha ha.

I would speak to your mum express all your fears, anxiety and upset. People who have not dealt with this don't have a clue. Everyone close to me and DH now know and as we have had a lot of crap news and they have been surprisingly good. Sometimes we need to let others in a bit in order for them to feel for us and express concern. This is not always easy. I spent the whole of last night on the phone crying to my mum and aunt and although they haven't been there as such they are calming and level headed when I need it.

Good luck xx

 

[mjemma]

I know exactly how you feel and you are not filled with meanness, it is a crap and unfair situation. We are on month 18 and my little sister is due to give birth any day. My family also don't seem to get it and whenever I talk to my mum she goes on and on about stuff for the baby - her first grandchild - without thinking how it affects me. I don't think they mean to be morons it's probably just that they don't know what to say and it is easier to avoid the conversation.

I don't know where you are based but I went to see a fertility coach at London Women's clinic yesterday and she was brilliant. She helped me talk through how I was feeling, the reactions of my family and friends and how to cope with it and ask for the support I need (something that I find very hard). I highly recommend her or someone similar https://www.thefertilitycoach.co.uk/.

 

[BlueBoo]

Don't worry, it's completely understandable! I went for months of not speaking to my sister and didn't see my niece until she was 4 months old for all the same reasons you mention. Both she and my SIL announced their pregnancies around Christmas time a couple of years ago and I just couldn't take it. My sister had no comprehension that I didn't really want to see her scan picture and got really angry with me for not showing enough interest. In the end I wrote her an angry letter laying it on really thick about how horrendous it is being unable to have a baby and how I couldn't get over how my sister of all people couldn't empathise with me. It was pretty strong stuff and I do regret it now, but I was so sick of people thinking I should be ok with it that I lost the plot. Thankfully we are on track now and I adore my niece but it was a very hard time.
In fact, in the time that we have been TTC and had 2 MMCs, we have had the entire pregnancy and birth of 3 nieces and nephews, never mind friends and colleagues. Every time you hear of another one your heart sinks. I feel bitter every time I see a photo or facebook status about certain people's babies, you are not alone. I had the same thoughts as you, maybe it's my punishment for being so bitter, but it is just so unfair that it comes so easy to some people and for others it ruins their lives.
I know how you feel hun but don't blame yourself, it's perfectly natural to feel like this.
I won't say chin up (that drives me mad too) but just lots of love xx

 

[Armywife84]

Let me guess, your family doesn't get it because they all happen to be fertile myrtles? Mine too. They let ignorant comments like, "All he had to do was look at me and I was pregnant or It will happen when it happens." slip all the time. Gosh, I really tire of those comments.

I had to spill the beans to my family and my DH's that we're facing infertility. DH's family no longer goes on and on about the grandchildren...and my mother has laid off the grandchildren talk. One SIL shows sympathy but the other currently pregnant with her 3rd, doesn't. In fact we had a nasty falling out when she announced her third. I sent her a heartfelt letter explaining why I was going to allow some distance and she made snarky comments about my journey in LTTC to my DH. Needless to say we haven't spoken in months.

Like your sister, she's due to give birth in Jan. I'm not that thrilled to have another niece or nephew. Technically it should be our turn since we've been trying for nearly 2 years now..but because of infertility it doesn't work like that. So in a sense I resent my SIL for sort of taking my turn.

Don't get me wrong, I love the nieces and nephew I have now but it's just bad timing for me to get to know another. I know I'll accept the baby eventually, but I can't right now. You will too, you just have to give yourself time and space to deal with this.

If you already haven't been vocal about your struggle to conceive then I would tell your mother about it. Hopefully she'll have enough sense to stop sending you bump pics of your sister.

Like the rest have said, your feelings are normal. At times they just run rabid and we can't help the way we feel. I blame it on infertility..if we weren't facing it, then we wouldn't be feeling this way and have already been pregnant in the standard year.

 

[Damita]

agree your feelings are totally normal

 

[NavyWife84]

I'm right there with you. I don't go on fb anymore because I just can't take it! My sister announced her pregnancy a couple of months before we planned on starting ttc. When I told her we were ttc she got angry because I was taking the spotlight off of h. I was excited to be preggers together and have babies the same age. I thought it would be fun. She hurt me so bad by being bitter.
Now a year and a half later I am the bitter one. She has a beautiful baby girl and I have a couple of diagnoses and no conclusion as to why I'm not a mommy yet. I am my neices godmother and my mom is always mentioning it. I don't know if that is supposed to make me feel better about not being a real mother but it sure doesn't. My mom is always trying to "encourage" for lack of better terms me to spend all my free time with my neice. If I haven't seen her in a while I get a guilt trip! She just doesn't understand how hard it is for me.
My whole family knows what I am going through and they just don't know how to handle it. They try to say encouraging things but most of the time I don't want to hear it. My sil also has two sons and a friend who tried for not even a year and claims infertility so she knows all about what I am going through...NOT. her theory is that I need to get the opks with the smiley faces not the lines. (If only it were that easy): Now I just politely listen, answer questions thye have, and then cry myself to sleep after being around my family. I try not to avoid them because I love them but sometimes I just don't want to deal with it.
So you are not alone in your feelings. If you ever need to vent you have lovely ladies on here any you can always pm me.

 

[Hays :)]

Your not alone darling, there are plenty of us here too who can completely relate to you. Whether family members mean to or not they dont stop and think before stupid things come out of their mouths. At the end of the day, when you do become preg, and you WILL you will feel so grateful and overwhelmed which cannot be said for those who 'have a little accident' or 'oh well fell on our first month' good luck and hold in there xx

 

[WinterSong4]

billie- I am soo sorry you are going through this maddening journey! It's been 4 years now to the month for DH and I with nothing. Meanwhile, ALL my friends have a kid or 2 and I just feel left behind. My sister can not have kids anymore due to an injury, but even before she was told she couldn't get pregnant and did! I was excited but sooo angry that someone like her could get pregnant and I can't. Sadly, she lost it at 6 weeks, but still.

I look at pregnant women now with utter jealousy and just feel like crying. Even more so when I see them leaving their 2 year olds in the dust behind them at the mall

I just recently made friends with a wonderful girl who is married with a 3 month old son. She had been trying for a little over a year before he came along. So, she sorta understands what I am going through and lets me hold her little one all the time Soo cute.

But, yes, a lot of women here know how you feel. I have a very ill mother and I am my DH's and my parents only hope at the only grand/great grandchild!! Now THAT'S Stress! lol. His grandpa just passed a month ago, so I feel even more of a failure and on a time limit for getting pregnant. UGH!

Tell your family how you feel and hopefully they will back off. Hang in there girl!

 

[Princess Lou]

I get where you are coming from. We are in our 40th month of trying, actually I prefer 3years3months3weeks, lol, doesn't sound as long.

Anyway, my sister fell pregnant on BC and called to tell me, she was papping herself at the time (She lives is Middlesbrough, England and I live in Belfast, Northern Ireland).

She asked me if I would be with her at the birth as our Mum passed away Feb2009 and she didn't want her MIL there and if I would stay with her for a couple of weeks. I don't mind as I know she didn't want to ask and put me in an uncomfortable situation, but she needed me and I'm the big sis so I told her I would gladly be there. As it happened, she had her a month early and I couldn't get a flight till two weeks later. I am here now and to be honest, when I look at/hold Sydney I don't feel an ounce of jealousy. She is my sisters daughter, my niece and that's what I see when I look at her. Now that she is here I feel the situation is 100% different and in no way is it comparable to my situation if you know what I mean. My sis didn't ask to be pregnant and wasn't ready to be a mother but I am so proud of the way she has taken to it (very natural to her) and her partner who usually a big baby himself (they have been together since April 2006 and lived together for over two year) has grown up so much it's like he is a different person. I feel so much love looking at them and know they are fantastic parents. I hope you can feel what I am feeling when your sister has her bundle. I understand the resentment, the jealousy and everything else that comes with it, I had it. But as soon as I saw her, it went. All I feel now is love, pride and proudness (if that's even a word, lol).

Good luck with it and I hope you enjoy being an Aunt, it's the second best feeling in the world.

It is hard though when everyone else around you is getting their baby and you aren't. Could you talk to them maybe and explain to them how you are feeling and how it hurts you to see all the announcements and scans etc? If you have a support network of even one person whom you can talk to it may help.

X

 

[NavyWife84]

She asked me if I would be with her at the birth as our Mum passed away Feb2009 and she didn't want her MIL there and if I would stay with her for a couple of weeks. I don't mind as I know she didn't want to ask and put me in an uncomfortable situation, but she needed me and I'm the big sis so I told her I would gladly be there. As it happened, she had her a month early and I couldn't get a flight till two weeks later. I am here now and to be honest, when I look at/hold Sydney I don't feel an ounce of jealousy. She is my sisters daughter, my niece and that's what I see when I look at her. Now that she is here I feel the situation is 100% different and in no way is it comparable to my situation if you know what I mean. My sis didn't ask to be pregnant and wasn't ready to be a mother but I am so proud of the way she has taken to it (very natural to her) and her partner who usually a big baby himself (they have been together since April 2006 and lived together for over two year) has grown up so much it's like he is a different person. I feel so much love looking at them and know they are fantastic parents. I hope you can feel what I am feeling when your sister has her bundle. I understand the resentment, the jealousy and everything else that comes with it, I had it. But as soon as I saw her, it went. All I feel now is love, pride and proudness (if that's even a word, lol).

Good luck with it and I hope you enjoy being an Aunt, it's the second best feeling in the world.

X

Good for you for being so strong! I wish I had the same feelings. I love my neice and nephews more than anything, but I am still jealous, angry and resentful. I am currently at my parents' house with my family, including the neices and nephews. I am on the verge of crying at every moment. I have to keep excusing myself so that they don't see me cry It doesn't help that my mom has pics of her grandkids everywhere with quotes of how special grandchildren are. I feel like such a failure

 

[cooch]

I get where you are coming from. We are in our 40th month of trying, actually I prefer 3years3months3weeks, lol, doesn't sound as long.

Anyway, my sister fell pregnant on BC and called to tell me, she was papping herself at the time (She lives is Middlesbrough, England and I live in Belfast, Northern Ireland).

She asked me if I would be with her at the birth as our Mum passed away Feb2009 and she didn't want her MIL there and if I would stay with her for a couple of weeks. I don't mind as I know she didn't want to ask and put me in an uncomfortable situation, but she needed me and I'm the big sis so I told her I would gladly be there. As it happened, she had her a month early and I couldn't get a flight till two weeks later. I am here now and to be honest, when I look at/hold Sydney I don't feel an ounce of jealousy. She is my sisters daughter, my niece and that's what I see when I look at her. Now that she is here I feel the situation is 100% different and in no way is it comparable to my situation if you know what I mean. My sis didn't ask to be pregnant and wasn't ready to be a mother but I am so proud of the way she has taken to it (very natural to her) and her partner who usually a big baby himself (they have been together since April 2006 and lived together for over two year) has grown up so much it's like he is a different person. I feel so much love looking at them and know they are fantastic parents. I hope you can feel what I am feeling when your sister has her bundle. I understand the resentment, the jealousy and everything else that comes with it, I had it. But as soon as I saw her, it went. All I feel now is love, pride and proudness (if that's even a word, lol).

Good luck with it and I hope you enjoy being an Aunt, it's the second best feeling in the world.

It is hard though when everyone else around you is getting their baby and you aren't. Could you talk to them maybe and explain to them how you are feeling and how it hurts you to see all the announcements and scans etc? If you have a support network of even one person whom you can talk to it may help.

X

Wow!!! I so admire you but then being there for a sister when your mother is dead isn't something I wish for- if you get what I mean. You have done sooo well. But I'm sure after obligation has taken over love has come through. Good on you. i don't have a sister and SIL are a different bread altogether, lol. Having said that, I think your story is lovely. xx

 

[Princess Lou]

Thank you ladies, I know I am very lucky to feel the way I feel towards my sister and her daughter and I sincerely hope that everyone gets to feel that too. Although, I'm not sure how I would react if she has on her fourth or something, lol.

I am happy to spend time with them at the moment, watch my sister growing as a mother and see the changes in Sydney. Especially as I have no idea when I will next see them. Lol.

 

[Erin j]

billie you are not mean you are disheartened and for good reason. Im 16 months now and its so disheartening for me that i dont even talk to people about it. I have acted like we arent trying but realized maybe if im honest about the struggle it will help somehow. So joining this site was the first step, and we have our first appt with a fertility clinic this week! Im so freakin excited to find out whats wrong and get some help if needed.

There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling.

 

[Erin j]

Let me guess, your family doesn't get it because they all happen to be fertile myrtles? Mine too. They let ignorant comments like, "All he had to do was look at me and I was pregnant or It will happen when it happens." slip all the time. Gosh, I really tire of those comments.

Mine too armywife, fertile myrtles, all of them. Both my Mil and Sil tell me they got pregnant with just a look and my MIL tells me she prays a rosary twice a day for me to get pregnant... if its Gods will. Not that i dont mind prayers but it makes me feel an extra added pressure. They arent cruel about it but still.

 

[NavyWife84]

I get where you are coming from. We are in our 40th month of trying, actually I prefer 3years3months3weeks, lol, doesn't sound as long.

Anyway, my sister fell pregnant on BC and called to tell me, she was papping herself at the time (She lives is Middlesbrough, England and I live in Belfast, Northern Ireland).

She asked me if I would be with her at the birth as our Mum passed away Feb2009 and she didn't want her MIL there and if I would stay with her for a couple of weeks. I don't mind as I know she didn't want to ask and put me in an uncomfortable situation, but she needed me and I'm the big sis so I told her I would gladly be there. As it happened, she had her a month early and I couldn't get a flight till two weeks later. I am here now and to be honest, when I look at/hold Sydney I don't feel an ounce of jealousy. She is my sisters daughter, my niece and that's what I see when I look at her. Now that she is here I feel the situation is 100% different and in no way is it comparable to my situation if you know what I mean. My sis didn't ask to be pregnant and wasn't ready to be a mother but I am so proud of the way she has taken to it (very natural to her) and her partner who usually a big baby himself (they have been together since April 2006 and lived together for over two year) has grown up so much it's like he is a different person. I feel so much love looking at them and know they are fantastic parents. I hope you can feel what I am feeling when your sister has her bundle. I understand the resentment, the jealousy and everything else that comes with it, I had it. But as soon as I saw her, it went. All I feel now is love, pride and proudness (if that's even a word, lol).

Good luck with it and I hope you enjoy being an Aunt, it's the second best feeling in the world.

It is hard though when everyone else around you is getting their baby and you aren't. Could you talk to them maybe and explain to them how you are feeling and how it hurts you to see all the announcements and scans etc? If you have a support network of even one person whom you can talk to it may help.

X

Wow!!! I so admire you but then being there for a sister when your mother is dead isn't something I wish for- if you get what I mean. You have done sooo well. But I'm sure after obligation has taken over love has come through. Good on you. i don't have a sister and SIL are a different bread altogether, lol. Having said that, I think your story is lovely. xx

I really hope that you (Cooch or Princess) don't think that I was being so insensitive to mean that I wish I was in your shoes. I am very sorry for the loss of your mother and don't wish it upon anyone. My SIL lost her mother shortly before she married my brother. On her deathbed, she had my brother promise to take care of my SIL. This happened over 10 years ago and it still touches me. My SIL and her sister have been there for eachother through a lot (weddings, babies, etc.), unfortunately without their mother. Their love and compassion and ablitly to stay strong is very admirable. I was just saying that I wish I had your strength when it comes to being around your sister's baby and admire you for it. You are a great person for pushing your own hurt aside and being there for your sister. Sometimes I get so depressed being around my neice and nephews and end up so mad at myself for it. You are someone to look up to!

 

[Princess Lou]

I get where you are coming from. We are in our 40th month of trying, actually I prefer 3years3months3weeks, lol, doesn't sound as long.

Anyway, my sister fell pregnant on BC and called to tell me, she was papping herself at the time (She lives is Middlesbrough, England and I live in Belfast, Northern Ireland).

She asked me if I would be with her at the birth as our Mum passed away Feb2009 and she didn't want her MIL there and if I would stay with her for a couple of weeks. I don't mind as I know she didn't want to ask and put me in an uncomfortable situation, but she needed me and I'm the big sis so I told her I would gladly be there. As it happened, she had her a month early and I couldn't get a flight till two weeks later. I am here now and to be honest, when I look at/hold Sydney I don't feel an ounce of jealousy. She is my sisters daughter, my niece and that's what I see when I look at her. Now that she is here I feel the situation is 100% different and in no way is it comparable to my situation if you know what I mean. My sis didn't ask to be pregnant and wasn't ready to be a mother but I am so proud of the way she has taken to it (very natural to her) and her partner who usually a big baby himself (they have been together since April 2006 and lived together for over two year) has grown up so much it's like he is a different person. I feel so much love looking at them and know they are fantastic parents. I hope you can feel what I am feeling when your sister has her bundle. I understand the resentment, the jealousy and everything else that comes with it, I had it. But as soon as I saw her, it went. All I feel now is love, pride and proudness (if that's even a word, lol).

Good luck with it and I hope you enjoy being an Aunt, it's the second best feeling in the world.

It is hard though when everyone else around you is getting their baby and you aren't. Could you talk to them maybe and explain to them how you are feeling and how it hurts you to see all the announcements and scans etc? If you have a support network of even one person whom you can talk to it may help.

X

Wow!!! I so admire you but then being there for a sister when your mother is dead isn't something I wish for- if you get what I mean. You have done sooo well. But I'm sure after obligation has taken over love has come through. Good on you. i don't have a sister and SIL are a different bread altogether, lol. Having said that, I think your story is lovely. xx

I really hope that you (Cooch or Princess) don't think that I was being so insensitive to mean that I wish I was in your shoes. I am very sorry for the loss of your mother and don't wish it upon anyone. My SIL lost her mother shortly before she married my brother. On her deathbed, she had my brother promise to take care of my SIL. This happened over 10 years ago and it still touches me. My SIL and her sister have been there for eachother through a lot (weddings, babies, etc.), unfortunately without their mother. Their love and compassion and ablitly to stay strong is very admirable. I was just saying that I wish I had your strength when it comes to being around your sister's baby and admire you for it. You are a great person for pushing your own hurt aside and being there for your sister. Sometimes I get so depressed being around my neice and nephews and end up so mad at myself for it. You are someone to look up to!

I understood completely what you meant. And thank you very much for the compliment. The situation we are in is complete and utter bullshit in my opinion but one day *fingers crossed* it will be worth it.

Something my sister gave me when I was on the verge of giving up (July when we hit three years) made me reconsider and persevere. I hope it can help others in the same way.

What do I think is meant by my infertility?

I think it is so my husband and I grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think we are meant to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think it is meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think it is meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, it is not that we are never meant for to not have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, I am meant to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let myself down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think I have been singled out for a special treatment. I think I am meant to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me why I have been handed infertility. I already know."

I read this every night and it gives me hope, I sincerely wish it will do the same for all you ladies.

 

[NavyWife84]

^^I'm crying now, but I love it! Thanks for sharing. I think I am going to print it out and keep it nearby. That way when I am having a hard time, I can take it out and read it. It is a great reminder!

 

[ANYA]

I so understand what it's like ladies, it's been 6 yrs of TTC for me. I have PCOS and my DH is fine. Just had my first IUI. I haven't even been able to tell my family that I'm having problems conceiving, Instead to cope I jsut pretend that my husband and I have not been trying and that we're not ready. It's the only way for me right now. My only brother has two daugters when he was pretty young so now one is 19yrs old and I don't think I could bear it if she becomes a mom before me. My closest friends and cousins ven those who got married after me have all had at least one child by now.

Every month when I get a negative result I feel like someone took a knife and plunged it into my heart. Just had an IUI and in the 2ww. I don't know how i will cope if it's negative as my husband has expressed to me that he is tired of this and wants to just accept the fact the we may not have any and move on.

Princess loo, your words are an inspiration. Thank you

 

[Fuchsia1412]

I don't think you're mean...I do think that feeling that way probably makes you feel worse, even though you can't help it, because it means you can tell yourself you're mean, or bad, and feel even guiltier than you do, and more 'undeserving' (or at least that sounds like it's how you're feeling?) and for that reason i'd try and find a way to work through those feelings towards your sister. not because I think it's mean, because I think it's bad for you, and making you sadder...obviously she doesn't know your personal thoughts, and i'm sure you won't tell her, and also they don't change anything for her, they're only thoughts, and natural ones to have too- it's not that you don't want her to have those things, just you want them too. I hope this happens for you soon.. that you can find something to help you 'keep your chin up'(sorry if that sounds blase, but you know what I mean?) until then...talking to people, and finding support, and maybe even finding peace with seeing close others with LOs?I know, easier said than done...