November 13th made one year, since I lost my precious baby girl Kennedy. In December 2009, when I started my ticker, it seemed like I was so far away from the 12 month mark, and now here I am. I am still paralyzed by the pain. I sometimes think that I am in a nightmare that I will wake up from. So many times, for a split second, I think my baby is here, and I look around and realize that she didn't make it home with me. I lost her @21 weeks+4. Had I just been told differently, my baby would be here, and I strongly believe that.
There have been days of where I feel like I just cannot go on. When Kennedy went, I wish that I would have went with her. When I wake up in the morning, like why am I still here? It feels like my heart will stop at any moment. I lost a baby early on, and it was disappointing but not nearly as devastating as me losing Kennedy. When I lost her, my life stopped. When it is business as usual for most, it is not that way for me. How quickly some forget that I lost a baby that my arms ache to hold. I am not the same person. My loss has leveled me to nothing. I live in hell everyday.
I have screamed so loud, that I urinated on myself. I have woke up punching the air. I have hit my dashboard so hard that the air bag almost came out. I am still angry. I am still hurting. I have been prescribed anti-depressants and it feels like I am on a never ending roller coaster. It is hard for me to see little girls in person. The department section for baby girls is hard on me also. I cry so much still. There are so many things that I will never be able to do for her, and it kills me.
The year 2009, and 2010 have been rough. In April 2009 I lost my first baby. May 2009, my 2nd cousin Kim lost her baby to SIDS. September 2009, My first cousin Virginia died (Kim's aunt). Virginia had a baby that died 30 years ago. She became an alcoholic behind her loss. In March 2010, my husband's sister died. My aunt Martha died 3 days after my SIL. I believe that my aunt Martha gave up on life, because Virginia (her daughter) died. Martha Is also my cousin Kim's grandmother. My oldest sister lost 5 babies. I have 2 sisters, and none of us have living babies.
I think of my Kennedy everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't. All that I can hold is a memory. It hurts so bad to know that. That's all I have.When some forget, I will never forget. This is with me for the rest of my life. I seen someone's comment where they mentioned the movie Steel Magnolias, and it made me think of the character Malyn who lost her daughter Shelby, and at the service when everyone else left the grave site, she was still standing there. I feel like that.
Though I feel alone at times, I know that I am not alone. I am so glad that I have this site to come to. I have met some very nice women here, who understand my pain in ways so many people don't. I want to say thank you for helping me make it through this agonizing year. I appreciate those who have shared their stories.
I miss my Kennedy every moment of the day. I am her mom, but for the rest of my life, I will live with this hole in my heart. I miss her so much it hurts.
There have been days of where I feel like I just cannot go on. When Kennedy went, I wish that I would have went with her. When I wake up in the morning, like why am I still here? It feels like my heart will stop at any moment. I lost a baby early on, and it was disappointing but not nearly as devastating as me losing Kennedy. When I lost her, my life stopped. When it is business as usual for most, it is not that way for me. How quickly some forget that I lost a baby that my arms ache to hold. I am not the same person. My loss has leveled me to nothing. I live in hell everyday.
I have screamed so loud, that I urinated on myself. I have woke up punching the air. I have hit my dashboard so hard that the air bag almost came out. I am still angry. I am still hurting. I have been prescribed anti-depressants and it feels like I am on a never ending roller coaster. It is hard for me to see little girls in person. The department section for baby girls is hard on me also. I cry so much still. There are so many things that I will never be able to do for her, and it kills me.
The year 2009, and 2010 have been rough. In April 2009 I lost my first baby. May 2009, my 2nd cousin Kim lost her baby to SIDS. September 2009, My first cousin Virginia died (Kim's aunt). Virginia had a baby that died 30 years ago. She became an alcoholic behind her loss. In March 2010, my husband's sister died. My aunt Martha died 3 days after my SIL. I believe that my aunt Martha gave up on life, because Virginia (her daughter) died. Martha Is also my cousin Kim's grandmother. My oldest sister lost 5 babies. I have 2 sisters, and none of us have living babies.
I think of my Kennedy everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't. All that I can hold is a memory. It hurts so bad to know that. That's all I have.When some forget, I will never forget. This is with me for the rest of my life. I seen someone's comment where they mentioned the movie Steel Magnolias, and it made me think of the character Malyn who lost her daughter Shelby, and at the service when everyone else left the grave site, she was still standing there. I feel like that.
Though I feel alone at times, I know that I am not alone. I am so glad that I have this site to come to. I have met some very nice women here, who understand my pain in ways so many people don't. I want to say thank you for helping me make it through this agonizing year. I appreciate those who have shared their stories.
I miss my Kennedy every moment of the day. I am her mom, but for the rest of my life, I will live with this hole in my heart. I miss her so much it hurts.
for kennedy x
My heart goes out to you and your family...
