Angels_Mummy
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- Sep 1, 2006
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Hey, This is me....I dont really no where to start - the beginning is probably the best (he...he). I;ve been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster of late so excuse me if i waffle!!!!
Basically, I have been married for 15 years and have three beautiful living children. When i was around 18 i was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and was told I would find it difficult to fall pregnant because of my lack of periods. When i was 20 my husband and i decided that we would try for a baby - we were under the hospital and after 3 years i fell pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful little girl who is now 13. After around 4 years we decided we would try again and still under the hospital i was given clomid and injections which didnt work this time. After a year or so of trying my consultant did an operation to blast my "golf balls" and cleared my tubes and within 2 months i was pregnant with my son who is now 6. After that my periods were pretty regular but old habits die hard and i accidently fell pregnant with my 2nd son who is now 4.
About 18 months ago i found out my husband was having an affair - he left me on April Fools Day for the other woman, blaming me for not caring anymore. I was devasted - I didnt realise how bad my life had got. Bascially a day or so later he came to see the kids - first i played the acceptance game and made my demands about the children, then i completely lost it - kicked, punched and slapped him and begged him to stay cos i couldnt go on without him. He basically said that as soon as he had "decieved me" he knew that i would never forgive him and saw it as the only way out and he knew that i would never ever forgive him. We talked like we had never talked before and i knew that i still wanted to be with him, he said that he had never done anything like that before and that it had all been a terrible mistake which got way outter hand. I had to believe wot he told me to save our marriage. A week or so later i discovered i was 8 weeks pregnant. I was in such turmoil about whether our relationship would work, whether I would live with the hurt, did i still trust him and most of all would be do it again!! So I decided to do something that i never ever thought i would - out of shear panic I decided to terminate the pregnancy. It was the hardest decision i ever had to make and when the day came I just wanted my husband to tell me not to go thru with it but he never did so i went thru with it with mixed emotions. I blamed him for making me do it, for putting me in the situation of doubting our marriage. But at the end of the day it was my decision and i didnt want him to stay with me for the sake of the new baby - i wanted him with me for me.
In November i discovered i was pregnant once again (wot ever happened to me not being able to have babies I hear you cry!!!). Our marriage was good - we had been to counselling and in some kinda sadistic way it had strengthened our marriage. We saw this baby as being a god send. At a routine scan in April it was discovered that my baby had died - he was 23 weeks. Two days later i gave birth to him with my husband at my side in a dignified and peaceful way - anxiously waiting to hear a cry that never came. He was truely beautiful and perfect in every way. We sat with out baby for a couple of hours and never saw him again. I felt like i had been paid back for my mistake just one year earlier. We had him blessed and then buried in a baby garden - i wanted him to be recognised as a person and did everything i could think of to try and make it so. I grieve for him everyday and the hardest thing was that i felt like i was missing someething, my heart ached so much.
I am now pregnant again - and am so very very very scared. I do not know wot the future holds, whether he/she will make it, and never take anything for granted. I just take each day as it comes. I have been holding off of going to to doctors but am going next week to arrange for my care. I am currently 9 weeks and have worked out that the baby is due in April, just days apart from when i lost my other babies this and last year. Am i destined to have this baby???? i dont no. I wont allow myself to think very far ahead which is a shame but god willing i will get there.
Thank you for listening to my story. XXXXX
Basically, I have been married for 15 years and have three beautiful living children. When i was around 18 i was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and was told I would find it difficult to fall pregnant because of my lack of periods. When i was 20 my husband and i decided that we would try for a baby - we were under the hospital and after 3 years i fell pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful little girl who is now 13. After around 4 years we decided we would try again and still under the hospital i was given clomid and injections which didnt work this time. After a year or so of trying my consultant did an operation to blast my "golf balls" and cleared my tubes and within 2 months i was pregnant with my son who is now 6. After that my periods were pretty regular but old habits die hard and i accidently fell pregnant with my 2nd son who is now 4.
About 18 months ago i found out my husband was having an affair - he left me on April Fools Day for the other woman, blaming me for not caring anymore. I was devasted - I didnt realise how bad my life had got. Bascially a day or so later he came to see the kids - first i played the acceptance game and made my demands about the children, then i completely lost it - kicked, punched and slapped him and begged him to stay cos i couldnt go on without him. He basically said that as soon as he had "decieved me" he knew that i would never forgive him and saw it as the only way out and he knew that i would never ever forgive him. We talked like we had never talked before and i knew that i still wanted to be with him, he said that he had never done anything like that before and that it had all been a terrible mistake which got way outter hand. I had to believe wot he told me to save our marriage. A week or so later i discovered i was 8 weeks pregnant. I was in such turmoil about whether our relationship would work, whether I would live with the hurt, did i still trust him and most of all would be do it again!! So I decided to do something that i never ever thought i would - out of shear panic I decided to terminate the pregnancy. It was the hardest decision i ever had to make and when the day came I just wanted my husband to tell me not to go thru with it but he never did so i went thru with it with mixed emotions. I blamed him for making me do it, for putting me in the situation of doubting our marriage. But at the end of the day it was my decision and i didnt want him to stay with me for the sake of the new baby - i wanted him with me for me.
In November i discovered i was pregnant once again (wot ever happened to me not being able to have babies I hear you cry!!!). Our marriage was good - we had been to counselling and in some kinda sadistic way it had strengthened our marriage. We saw this baby as being a god send. At a routine scan in April it was discovered that my baby had died - he was 23 weeks. Two days later i gave birth to him with my husband at my side in a dignified and peaceful way - anxiously waiting to hear a cry that never came. He was truely beautiful and perfect in every way. We sat with out baby for a couple of hours and never saw him again. I felt like i had been paid back for my mistake just one year earlier. We had him blessed and then buried in a baby garden - i wanted him to be recognised as a person and did everything i could think of to try and make it so. I grieve for him everyday and the hardest thing was that i felt like i was missing someething, my heart ached so much.
I am now pregnant again - and am so very very very scared. I do not know wot the future holds, whether he/she will make it, and never take anything for granted. I just take each day as it comes. I have been holding off of going to to doctors but am going next week to arrange for my care. I am currently 9 weeks and have worked out that the baby is due in April, just days apart from when i lost my other babies this and last year. Am i destined to have this baby???? i dont no. I wont allow myself to think very far ahead which is a shame but god willing i will get there.
Thank you for listening to my story. XXXXX
