My Miracle Journey

[wristwatch24]

Happy Mother's Day, Sarah. You are a wonderful mother to Taylor and you will always be Gingy's mother. We all love you.

 

[QueenKingfish]

So glad you're clinging to the Rock! Praying for you and DH.

 

[Godsjewel]

So it all started on Friday, May 3rd. I was going in for them to check on the baby since I was still having the bleeding from the hematoma that was located above the pregnancy sac and we were just there 3 days prior and everything measured perfectly for being 8 weeks and 5 days. I saw the little arm buds move around and the heartbeat again. We went into this appt thinking everything was fine and we just get another chance to see the baby.

The doctor started to insert the ultrasound wand and then started measuring things and looking around and then he had it directly on the baby. I was staring and staring and couldn't see that precious flicker I just seen days before. I could have sworn I was Superwoman with laser beams coming out of my eyes staring at the monitor thinking to myself...come on...flicker!...Lord, please show the doctor the heartbeat. My faith was so high that I thought it was just going to start beating away. Sadly it didn't. I was in shock, I didn't have any emotion in the office until we got to the car.

As soon as I sat down in the car I broke down. I stomped my feet and hit the inside of the car with my fist screaming...WHY ME? IT'S NOT FAIR? I'VE WANTED THIS FOR SO LONG!!! BUT EVERYTHING WAS GOING SO PERFECT! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE, I'M DONE!!!. My husband looked at me and said, "honey, I know your heart's desire is for a child and you are just saying that now because of your emotions, if in a couple of days or weeks you still feel the same, then we don't have to do it again, but I know your heart." He was right, of course I want a child, I was just heart broken, angry, sad and mostly confused.

We got home and Lawrence got Tay from the neighbors house so we could tell her what happened. Lawrence started off by saying that we went to the doctors and the good news is mommy is fine, but unfortunately the baby isn't doing well and is not going to make it. She was devastated...she cried hysterically for about 30 min while grabbing the pic of my ultrasound and holding onto it. I couldn't cry at that time, I was so angry! Angry that this had to happen and cause her so much pain. Hasn't she been through enough...cancer...her birth mom abandoning her...couldn't she finally have something good happen for once! This really broke me. I couldn't believe it, everything was perfect and I had prayed and prayed that this would be the only IVF cycle we would have to go through, I didn't want to start all over again. I wanted the baby that was conceived the first time, I waited for so long. I thought I had it in the bag...only 3 more weeks and then i'm out of the 1st trimester...I was so hopeful and never entertained the thought of miscarriage. I enjoyed every day I was pregnant and had such a heavy heart after we lost the baby.

My days were filled with numbness and tears. I was so confused.

Since I was bleeding so much before hand and made it to 9 weeks, the doctor recommended I do a D&C. I read about it and we contacted my insurance to see if they would cover it, and they did...100%. The doctor said it would be a horrible experience for me since I had so much blood and the contractions could last a day or two. Mentally and physically I thought the best choice was to go for the D&C. I couldn't imagine having my lifeless baby in my belly and then just one day it coming out.

I went in last Thursday for the procedure. I had blood work done 2 days prior and the nurse said I was slightly anemic. The dr said there was a quart of blood that came from my uterus plus the fetus and placenta. When I was in the recovery room, they had me hooked up to an IV since I was severely dehydrated and lost so much blood. The nurse walked me to the bathroom and as soon as I got up I told her I felt very weak. She had me sit down and I passed out for about 4 minutes. It scared the living daylights out of my husband. My blood pressure was 80/50 and they kept me there for 4 hours to make sure to replenish my platelets and hydrate me. They didn't let me leave until my BP was up and I was able to walk around without feeling light headed. It was horrible.

I came home and went to sleep and my mom catered to me for the days following. My BP is now back to normal and I'm feeling good. I went for my post op today and he did a pelvic exam and everything was fine. Now I have to wait for my period to come so I can get back on the pill so we can start our 2nd IVF cycle.

I still have my moments, like today I looked at the calendar and noticed I had an 11 written, which meant tomorrow I would of been 11 weeks. I'm still mourning my little brownie, but am so thankful that I had the opportunity to be his/her mom for 9 weeks. I know I will see my precious baby in Heaven someday.

I'm doing my best to stay focused on the positive. I got to see 2 lines on a stick, I was pregnant, I seen movement and a heartbeat...that is amazing...some women don't even get to experience that.

I'm taking it day by day and thankful for my friends and family that have continued to shower us with prayers.

 

[No Doubt]

GJ when I read your post at first it broke my heart. I'd been wondering how Taylor was as I know this was as much of a dream of hers as it it for you and your husband. But I'm so glad to hear that you have not given up. God is good and the desires of your heart will be made manifest. The experience you had is painful I'm sure, but I'm glad you are able to see all the good things...the positive test, the pictures, being pregnant...you are right, those things in themselves are truly amazing.

Its important to remember during this time that God doesn't make mistakes. I know people say when this happens that Baby was just too good for this world, but I truly do believe that. God is holding onto your precious angel. And He will be with you in your next cycle. I will continue to pray your strength as you embark on another cycle and pray healing over you and your family.

You are a strong woman with a strong foundation and I have every faith that you will get through this. We are all here for you and look forward to continuing with you on your journey. We love you. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us and letting us know you are ok.

 

[QueenKingfish]

Sarah, thank you so much for sharing your journey. Your faithfulness will be rewarded. Your support to everyone here on BnB is unparalleled and since you are this wonderful to women you have never met in person, I can only imagine what a phenomenal friend you are to those around you. You will see your little baby in Heaven someday, and that little person will never have known pain, disappointment or heartbreak - just the presence of our Savior.

 

[Godsjewel]

GJ when I read your post at first it broke my heart. I'd been wondering how Taylor was as I know this was as much of a dream of hers as it it for you and your husband. But I'm so glad to hear that you have not given up. God is good and the desires of your heart will be made manifest. The experience you had is painful I'm sure, but I'm glad you are able to see all the good things...the positive test, the pictures, being pregnant...you are right, those things in themselves are truly amazing.

Its important to remember during this time that God doesn't make mistakes. I know people say when this happens that Baby was just too good for this world, but I truly do believe that. God is holding onto your precious angel. And He will be with you in your next cycle. I will continue to pray your strength as you embark on another cycle and pray healing over you and your family.

You are a strong woman with a strong foundation and I have every faith that you will get through this. We are all here for you and look forward to continuing with you on your journey. We love you. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us and letting us know you are ok.

Love you too sweetie

God is doing a good work in me and now I will be able to help more people with what I've gone through. I believe in helping others, it will help me in the healing process.

Taylor cried yesterday about the baby and I told her that she needs to let it out and she can always come to me and cry and talk about it whenever she wants. She said she cried alone in her room the other day. That hurts me that she is feeling this pain and sadness.

I pray the Lord touches her heart and that she will see God's goodness to our family everyday.

 

[Godsjewel]

Sarah, thank you so much for sharing your journey. Your faithfulness will be rewarded. Your support to everyone here on BnB is unparalleled and since you are this wonderful to women you have never met in person, I can only imagine what a phenomenal friend you are to those around you. You will see your little baby in Heaven someday, and that little person will never have known pain, disappointment or heartbreak - just the presence of our Savior.

You are very kind, thank you.

It's so cute because Taylor was telling my mom that it was a win/win situation for the baby because if the baby was with us, the baby would win because he/she would join a wonderful family and since the baby isn't with us, it's a win because he/she is in Heaven. How cute is that?

 

[Godsjewel]

On Mother's day we didn't do too much, since it was sort of a bitter sweet day for me. Later on that evening I got an email from my husband, he wrote me something as if it were the baby writing.

Warning...grab your tissue now...

Mom,

You are amazing! I want you to know that though it was short you were an amazing mom. I know I made you sick and didn't allow you to eat your favorite foods but you loved me anyway. I know I cost you money and lots of stress but you loved me anyway. I know that I never got to exchange words or glances with you but you loved me anyway! From the moment I was placed in your tummy you loved me and took care of me. Ill never forget it! Though it will be some years before I can put my arms around you and tell you how much I love you... Please know I am counting down the days we can meet and I can tell you what you mean to me as I know you and dad tried so hard to have me join your family!!!

Love

Gingy

 

[No Doubt]

How sweet is that. What an amazing man you've married GJ! So sad about Taylor...maybe she didn't want you to see her cry about the baby as she didn't want you to hurt. She's so sweet. What a precious little girl.

 

[QueenKingfish]

What a sweet little soul you and DH are raising, Sarah! I can't imagine going through that at such a tender age, but she is handling it with grace and love.

You weren't kidding about the tissues! That is something you will cherish forever, and the best part is that every word of it is true!

 

[SuperwomanTTC]

Thank you for the tissue warning! I am overcome with emotion. Isaiah 61:3 comes to mind...

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.

Love you Sarah! Thank you for sharing and being such an incredible example of a woman of faith!

 

[Mattsgirl]

Wish I would have listened to your tissue warning Sarah. That was truly beautiful. You have an amazing husband who obviously Loves you a great deal. Taylor sounds like a beautiful young lady inside and out. Though at times it's hard she is absolutely right it is a win/win, wonderful way to look at it.
I pray for your continual strength and God's overwhelming peace throughout this time.
We all Love you Sarah!

 

[PrayingLady]

Amazing story... Teary eyed.

Thank you for sharing!

 

[Godsjewel]

I’m continually getting better day by day. I still cry once in awhile thinking of what could have been, but I do my best to stay focused on the positive.

Again, I’m very thankful that I was allowed the opportunity to be pregnant for that time and look forward to the next time I get that chance.

I’m now waiting for AF to come so we can start on IVF cycle #2. The Dr said AF should come about 4 weeks after the D&C procedure. For once I can’t wait for AF to come…lol! The 2nd cycle should start in July sometime.

To be completely honest…I’m scared. I wasn’t the first time around, I had so much faith that it was going to work and just knew it…this time I’m nervous since I did get pregnant the first time and how lucky would I be to get pregnant again?!? It’s scary and I know I need to get out of that mindset. I know that any is possible…but again, I’m only human and have my own fears since I was so sure last time and then never imagined it would end in a miscarriage.

Please continue to pray for me, I don’t like feeling like this as it’s not my usual positive self. I’m looking forward to building up my faith again and seeing God’s hand move in this situation.

I love you all dearly and thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

 

[SuperwomanTTC]

Psalm 20:1-6 from The Message Translation

God answer you on the day you crash,the name God-of-Jacob put you out of harm’s reach, send reinforcements from Holy Hill, dispatch from Zion fresh supplies, exclaim over your offerings, celebrate your sacrifices, give you what your heart desires, accomplish your plans.

When you win, we plan to raise the roof and lead the parade with our banners. May all your wishes come true!

That clinches it—help’s coming, an answer’s on the way, everything’s going to work out.

AMEN!

 

[Godsjewel]

Psalm 20:1-6 from The Message Translation

God answer you on the day you crash,the name God-of-Jacob put you out of harm’s reach, send reinforcements from Holy Hill, dispatch from Zion fresh supplies, exclaim over your offerings, celebrate your sacrifices, give you what your heart desires, accomplish your plans.

When you win, we plan to raise the roof and lead the parade with our banners. May all your wishes come true!

That clinches it—help’s coming, an answer’s on the way, everything’s going to work out.

AMEN!

Thank you sweetheart

love you bunches!!!

 

[Shellvz]

I am very sorry to hear your news. May God's love overshadow you as you find comfort under His wings.

Big hugs to you

 

[xxx_faithful]

Sarah.....

Your hubby ... Wherever did you find him? He says all the words a woman wants to hear lol. You are so lucky to have him in your life Sar.. so as lucky as we are to have you in ours xxx

 

[Godsjewel]

Sarah.....

Your hubby ... Wherever did you find him? He says all the words a woman wants to hear lol. You are so lucky to have him in your life Sar.. so as lucky as we are to have you in ours xxx

God has definitely blessed me with an amazing man!

 

[FutureMommie]

He is truly amazing! What a perfect way to honor you on Mothers Day!