My mom lied...

[DragoPanda]

I have a bit of a dilemma. My has been gradually letting people know that her daughter, me, is pregnant and coming home to give birth. Of course I am not married or engaged or even in a stable relationship and the baby's father was a one night stand (pls don't judge, there's more to it than being wild and carefree).
Anyhow, she went and told her friend that the baby's daddy is my "boyfriend" (we have an on and off relationship that currently sucks and he is not from my home country). So she lied! She said it's easier for HER.
I am concerned that when I get home this lady (who is my mom's best friend) is going to mention the dad and ask me something I cannot answer and then I have to lie. If I tell the truth my mom will look like an ass. How could she do this? Sometimes I feel like my mom makes everything about HER.
She also has high blood pressure and tends to be highly strung so when we do simple things like shopping she rushes and is always talks about how she never rests etc. She is quite stressful to be around. When my sister was getting her documents ready to get her visa my mom says things about how it stresses HER out. WTF? We do stuff that affects us and she talks about how it affects her. I think it borders on being selfish to be honest.
I do not have her high blood pressure problem. In fact mine is completely normal at 108 and I don't want her stressing me out. I think it is easier for me to live at home until the baby is born cos i don't want be alone come labor day... I feel so stuck. I am also accustomed to living on my own for 2.5 years and now suddenly have to be back with parents with their own opinions about what I should do etc. What to do? Any advice?

 

[DaisyDoodles]

When I fell pregnant with my son (16 years ago!), although I was living with his father, we weren't married... my gran, being old fashioned told all of her friends that I'd just got married and then a couple of months later told them I was pregnant!

At the time I was mortified... I thought she was ashamed of me and my baby and it really hurt! - Once my son was born and I saw how much she obviously adored him, I came to understand that right or wrong, the older generation sometimes find things hard to come to terms with and she'd dealt with the situation in the only way she knew how

... she died when my son was 11 months old and I now regret the fact that I stayed away when I originally found out what she'd done and wasted precious time with her!

I'm not saying what your mum has done is right, she's certainly made things hard for you, but while it's clearly wrong, she loves you and is in her mind tryign to protect both herself and you from small minded people, try not to be too mad at her, lifes too short to fight with family!

 

[Palestrina]

While I understand that there is a lot more to this that has caused you to feel like your mom is selfish I can only comment on the situation at hand. If it was me in your shoes I would have a difficult time being honest with everybody about what happened. I wouldn't go around spreading the news that I got pregnant off a one-night stand. First of all that's nobody's business. There's nothing wrong with one-night stands but I won't go around telling my mom's friends about it. Like it or not when you divulge everything you will come under a lot of scrutiny and I think your Mom is trying to protect you from that. You're an adult and you know perfectly well how some people will react to the blatant truth.

At the same time don't feel like you have to lie. What your mother tells her friends is her business. But there is no reason to go along with a heavily detailed lie. If someone she has spoken to asks you about the father then simply say "we weren't together for very long. Unfortunately it hasn't worked out between us, I'm lucky to have my family." End of story, no details are necessary.

 

[jobee2222]

maybe you could ask her to explain why she said what she said and explain to her that that puts you in a bad situation and you dont want to lie to people. Maybe once you have heard her side of it it wont be so hurtful, make sure she hears your side too though.

 

[lynys]

I hate having people spread lies about me, so I would have a very hard time pretending for her sake.

If my mom did that to me, I would not be able to lie so she saves face.

So, lets say her friend asked me about the Dad, I would flat out tell them we aren't together, have no intention of being togehter, and not sure if he wants a part of the child's life (although, I am not sure if he is planning to be involved or not in your situation)

People who lie do it cause they can. It starts small, then just keeps barreling until it is out of control. I wouldn't be a part of it.

 

[new_mummy]

I'm sorry you feel annoyed with your mother and I do understand your reaction... however I also totally understand how your mother feels. If I were you I wouldn't want her to tell her friends that I was pregnant by an "on and off boyfriend". And in fact I would actually be grateful for her little white lie. Maybe she is not only trying to protect herself, she is trying to protect you too?

 

[DragoPanda]

While I understand that there is a lot more to this that has caused you to feel like your mom is selfish I can only comment on the situation at hand. If it was me in your shoes I would have a difficult time being honest with everybody about what happened. I wouldn't go around spreading the news that I got pregnant off a one-night stand. First of all that's nobody's business. There's nothing wrong with one-night stands but I won't go around telling my mom's friends about it. Like it or not when you divulge everything you will come under a lot of scrutiny and I think your Mom is trying to protect you from that. You're an adult and you know perfectly well how some people will react to the blatant truth.

At the same time don't feel like you have to lie. What your mother tells her friends is her business. But there is no reason to go along with a heavily detailed lie. If someone she has spoken to asks you about the father then simply say "we weren't together for very long. Unfortunately it hasn't worked out between us, I'm lucky to have my family." End of story, no details are necessary.

Thanks for the reply. I wasn't going to tell people it was a one night stand but I certainly wasn't going to say it was from the boyfriend (who they know about) since he and I had been together for over a year. I do know how people will react to the fact it is not from a stable relationship and I just feel like if they cannot handle it it is their problem because I am completely okay and if they scrutinize they can do that, it doesn't bother me at all. I am not ashamed one bit. People like to get on their high horses about various things but I am able to quickly bring them down to earth if they try to pull that BS with me. I was definitely not going to give details because I feel it is no one's business. You can see how her lie has made me impossible to say "we weren't together very long". When i visited home 6 months ago I showed this lady a picture of my bf and she knows I been dating him for a long time.

 

[DragoPanda]

I'm sorry you feel annoyed with your mother and I do understand your reaction... however I also totally understand how your mother feels. If I were you I wouldn't want her to tell her friends that I was pregnant by an "on and off boyfriend". And in fact I would actually be grateful for her little white lie. Maybe she is not only trying to protect herself, she is trying to protect you too?

Thanks the dad is not my on/off boyfriend of over 1 year. It was someone I never had any relationship with. The difference between me and whoever she thinks she is protecting me from, is that I don't feel bad. People expect me to feel ashamed or a certain way because of what happened because they think a certain way. I, on the other hand, have accepted my mistakes and grown from it. I don't see any reason to feel ashamed and nobody, no matter what they say, would be able to make me feel bad or ashamed. I am much stronger than that.

 

[baby05]

If you can afford to be on your own then I would encourage you to do so... if you must move in with her you are going to have to accept her for who she is and that she feels it is ok to lie about this even though she should know better.

You cant change her feelings or previous actions. AND even if she agrees to not lie about the father of this baby any more, she will likely lie about other things in the future, if it is "easier" for her.... and that is something for you to be aware of and know about BEFORE you move in with her!

It will be important that you have her understand that when she says that the father is a boyfriend that she be specific and state who the father is NOT, since you say there is a man that people are going to assume is now a "deadbeat" when this baby is born.

It is preferable she not lie at all, but it is not a crime for her to say what she wants, so you will either need to correct that untruth, and people will assume what they want... OR just make sure she explains that it is NOT the man that your mother is leading them to believe it is.

Explain to her that when she says it is the boyfriend that they are going to assume is the father of, that she is actually causing harm to your boyfriend who is NOT the father.

I am sure the boyfriend who people are going to be believing is the father would NOT be happy to hear that your mother is lying about him.

I would definately inform the boyfriend that your mother is spreading lies about him, and let him know, because he needs to not get blindsided by it when someone asks how "his" baby is doing.
Also you need to tell him this because at some point he is gonna be MAD, MAD, MAD at you for letting her lie about him.

Like you have said repeatedly, there is nothing for you to be ashamed of and you dont need to tell every nosy lady who asks who the dad is, but if your mom is letting people think it is a person who it is not, it would be wise to nip this in the bud before the child is in school and your mom is still telling people it is the man that has nothing to do with it.

 

[DragoPanda]

If you can afford to be on your own then I would encourage you to do so... if you must move in with her you are going to have to accept her for who she is and that she feels it is ok to lie about this even though she should know better.

You cant change her feelings or previous actions. AND even if she agrees to not lie about the father of this baby any more, she will likely lie about other things in the future, if it is "easier" for her.... and that is something for you to be aware of and know about BEFORE you move in with her!

It will be important that you have her understand that when she says that the father is a boyfriend that she be specific and state who the father is NOT, since you say there is a man that people are going to assume is now a "deadbeat" when this baby is born.

It is preferable she not lie at all, but it is not a crime for her to say what she wants, so you will either need to correct that untruth, and people will assume what they want... OR just make sure she explains that it is NOT the man that your mother is leading them to believe it is.

Explain to her that when she says it is the boyfriend that they are going to assume is the father of, that she is actually causing harm to your boyfriend who is NOT the father.

I am sure the boyfriend who people are going to be believing is the father would NOT be happy to hear that your mother is lying about him.

I would definately inform the boyfriend that your mother is spreading lies about him, and let him know, because he needs to not get blindsided by it when someone asks how "his" baby is doing.
Also you need to tell him this because at some point he is gonna be MAD, MAD, MAD at you for letting her lie about him.

Like you have said repeatedly, there is nothing for you to be ashamed of and you dont need to tell every nosy lady who asks who the dad is, but if your mom is letting people think it is a person who it is not, it would be wise to nip this in the bud before the child is in school and your mom is still telling people it is the man that has nothing to do with it.

Thanks for the advice. It's weird my mom did this because she is not someone who lies as far as I know. It makes me wonder now... hmmm... anyhow, she is not a bad person and I know she loves me and all. I am not angry anymore and I am not going to make it an issue between her and I. I will voice my opinion of course and say I feel disappointed about it but that's done with (as you said).

It helps that the boyfriend is in Korea (and doesn't speak good English lol) and I am going back home to the other side of the world, so he will not be hearing about it from anyone at least. I agree about what you said about his feelings on it, if he knew. Plus if it turns out that he and I actually stay together and end up married... then things would definitely be weird. I am able to support myself thankfully so I am thinking of a compromise... which is living at home until I get the hang of baby and moving out as soon as I start working again (as I need to find employment in my country when I get back). Its just a case of surviving the time until then ^^