My mom thinks I'm too young for a baby. How to respond?

[Littleacorn]

Hello all!

I'm 25 years old and have been with my husband for four years (married for 6 months). I'm a native Californian who moved to Berlin over four years ago for school, and after falling in love with my husband (who is German), I decided to stay for good. Even though I miss my friends and family in the states, I absolutely love it here. We own a bar/restaurant together, and are in the process of opening our second one. Two years ago we adopted our beloved little dog. We've built a great life together here and don't have any plans on moving to the US anytime soon.

My husband (who is 35) and I both have baby fever (particularly the husband!), and are hoping to start trying to get pregnant in the coming year. I know 25 is still young, and I know that having a child is serious hard work, but my true gut feeling tells me that I'm ready. We both feel that we have the emotional and financial stability to raise a child, and are excited to start our family.

Here's my predicament: My mother is adamently against me getting pregnant. Although she loves my husband, she thinks I am simply too young. She continually tells me that I'm not ready for a child, and says she would be so sad if I were to get pregnant. My mother and I have a great relationship, and I truly value her opinion. She very rarely gives unsolicited advice and has been so supportive of all my life decisions up until now, which is why this situation is so upsetting to me! My mother had a much different life course than I did: she got married at 32 and had her first child at age 35. Every time she tells me that I'm not ready, I can't help but believe that she's not ready. She often says that she hopes to live near us once we have children so she can play a role in their lives. I think this a great idea in theory, but it's just not realistic. I live in a country with amazing benefits for mothers and families, and I can't imagine moving away from the life I've built here.

How should I react to my mother's strong opinions? Am I foolish for thinking that I'm ready for a child at 25? Should I broach the topic with her, or should I just continue to avoid conflict and brush it off?

Thank you for any advice! I'm truly torn on what to do. :/

 

[moomin_troll]

At the end of the day it's not really her business, you are an adult and married.
25 is not too young in my opinion.
I had my first son at 20, widowed at 22 while pregnant and had my second at 23.
Most would say I was far too young to be a widow, didn't change the fact I was and am.
I would just say to her if she voices her opinion again that it's what you and your husband want, so it's what you are going to do and she should respect and support your choice to start a family

 

[prettybirdy27]

Honestly, it's your decision, not hers. I may be reading too far into it, but I'm wondering if she is so upset not because she really thinks you're too young, but that she will be across the globe from the baby, and is just using age as an excuse?

I personally would wait until you get the second bar/restaurant running, and then go for it.

 

[LilMiss_91]

I agree with the others. I have a very close relationship with my mum as well and I can imagine how hard it is to stand your ground, but it really is your choice, not hers. She is entitled to her opinion, and you never know, it might turn out that she's right! But that being said, she may not be. I personally don't believe that anyone can know whether they are "ready" for a baby. What is ready? You can prepare yourself financially, situationally etc but nothing will ever prepare you for the mental, emotional and physical difficulties/changes you will go through whilst pregnant and after giving birth. You can't "know" that you're ready, so she certainly can't either! But you know your situation better than anyone. If you want a baby, you have a baby! Tell her that you value her opinion, and make sure she knows that her knowledge and experience will invaluable to you when you're expecting/give birth to make sure she knows that she is still important and won't be pushed out of her grandchild's life.
Sorry for the long post! Good luck

 

[NovemberSnow]

I'm also wondering if maybe she's just worried about being on the other side of the world from you. Lots of people have babies at 25, and if you're married and financially independent you're in as good a position as anyone else.

All you can really do is tell her politely but firmly that you respect her opinion but it's your choice and you'll do what's right for you. Maybe if she can't move permanently to be closer to you, she could still come over for a couple of months after the baby is born to help you out?

 

[Missbx]

I agree with the others I'm 21 and expecting my first baby in march if you feel ready go for it and tbh your married and are adults x

Good luck

 

[ktod]

25 is not too young. Especially as you are so settled in your life right now in a long term relationship and stable career. They say there is never a right time to have a child, but your circumstances seem pretty favourable to me. If it's what you want I would go for it and not listen to any outsiders.

 

[Alyssa Drough]

If you and your husband are ready that's all that matters.

 

[DannaD]

When you feel ready you just are and there's no amount of "advices" that will calm your desire to have a child. You can tell your mom just that, that all she's doing is making you sad, and leave it at that. Hopefully she'll understand.

Personally, 25 has been my "it's perfectly ok to get pregnant age" for a while. You're still young, but independant, full of energy and mature enough to know what you want in life

 

[Kika7]

25 could be too young and it could also be just fine, and for some people even 35 is too young. It's not about the numbers, it's about maturity in facts.A child as young as 13 years old could "feel" they're mature and that the word is in their feet, that's why it's important to look at the facts and not go accordig to mere feelings.

Since you and your husband are financially mature and independent (from parents and social welfare) and you figured out the way to do whats best for jobs and life then you could figure out the way to be the best parents ever.

It's important to understand why your mom says you're too young and it' important to let your mom know that you understand how she feels. With parents and children it's all about acknowleging each other's feelings, space and everything. You will always be your mom's little girl, even when you're 50 and she's 80 she'll want to have a say in your decisions in the way of "passing down wisdom and experience".

Now imagine you're a parent and the cute little baby you just had is a part of you and will always be and imagine the feeling of responsibility; the feeling that this baby belongs to you will never go away and you will always want the best for your kids. That's how your mom feels and you can talk to her about her feelings and fears and share with her yours and try to understand each other's.

Getting angry with your mom or letting her get angry with you is purely intuitive, immediate, instinctive and totally irrational.

Good luck and all the best.

 

[sequeena]

It is completely yours and your husband's decision not your mother's.

I'm 25 and had my son at 22.

 

[Iveneverseen]

25 isn't young, at 25 i had my 3rd baby. (well i was nearly 26 when my 3rd was born)

anyways you are an adult and married so your mums opinion is irrelevant.

 

[seoj]

I'm actually on the flip side- I was 32 when I met hubby and we have raised his daughter together full time since... and 37 when we had LO. And I cannot imagine it any other way. And thinking of ME having a LO at 25- heck no! But my mom had me at 25- and she was THE most amazing mom. I could not of asked for anthing better. So circumstances play the largest role- not just age. Maybe it's a factor- but you are more together and stable at 25 than I was! It's all about the path our life is meant to take- and if YOU are ready... it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Although I understand wanting the support of your Mom (that was important to me too)-- I was always able to stand my ground when I felt strongly about something, even if she didn't agree, and at the end of the day- she supported ME. No matter what. I can imagine your Mom would be the same. She's just concerned- your HER baby (even now). I get that. And I know you will too

Best of luck!

Sidenote- she could just be having a hard time knowing you'll be so far away- and it's HARD when our kids grow up. Every stage we worry- even if we know we raised them right and that they will do just fine... it's still tough. I worry way more about my teenager- being that she's 17 and so close to graduation and college etc... cause I can't BE there to protect her as as much- she's all independent and responsible and taking care of herself a lot more

 

[SpringCrane]

Like others have said, I think maybe your mom means something different than what she's actually saying. I'm very close to my mom also, and I understand wanting to hear her opinion and consider it. Maybe set up a time to chat on Skype or something, and talk to her a bit more about it. If she sticks with "you're too young," I'd say if you're ready... you're ready.

For what it's worth, my son was born a month before I turned 26. I was married, owned a home, had my masters degree and a job. We were ready. Most of my friends my age are no where near being ready or wanting kids. Most of my mom friends are in their mid-30s. Your age doesn't matter. Your maturity level, financial stability, and other such things are much more important.

My mom was 21 when she had my older brother, and my mother-in-law was 41 when she had my husband, an only child. They both were great moms. There's a huge range of what works for people!

 

[bornthiswayxo]

25 most of the time isn't too young.
To me it does depend on maturity, I have met some 25 year old mums who certainly weren't mentally in the right place for a child at the time for it but then again I have also met some that were totally fine.

I'm 22 (which is the age my mum had my sister and for that reason she is warning me constantly not to TTC this young, all the time) and am desperate to TTC, however my circumstances aren't even close to that great for TTC. In some ways they are, in others they're not.

However if you're married, in a stable relationship, and both on the same page with it I don't see how she can think you're too young.

Good luck x

 

[Catalyst]

25 is not to young. to some maby but generaly I think no one realy thinks that 25 yerar old og with her first is too young.
It is not her buisness if you get pg, it is not up to her if you and your DH want one. Sad that she says this but it is your decision. It sounds to me that you are two adults, with stable jobs and income, have a good relationship... what is better than that to have a child?
I was 25 when my first was born It was just fine. Felt ready, felt I had done things I needed to doo before having a baby and so on.
So if she is not ready that is hers to deal with, if you and DH are ready then go for it!

 

[girlinyork]

25 is the prime time biologically speaking to have a baby. I conceived and had my baby at 25. My sisters were 20 and 23 and we've all been fine. If you were 18 I'd be inclined to agree with your mum but you're married, stable and feel ready. Go for it anyway. Your mum will come around when she sees the little onesies and scan photos

 

[MrsHudson]

Shoot my mom wanted me to have a baby when I was 23 lol.

But in all seriousness, just as PP's have said, I think there's something else that is bothering her about the situation. I too am 25 and I think it's a prime age. DH and I know what we want and are stable enough to provide a good and loving home, yet we're still young enough to run with LO.

Ultimately you know what's best for you and you have make your life decisions based upon that. Good luck to you!

 

[littlesteph]

personally 25 is not too young, I may be bias as I had my youngest at 24. I think it might be a case of your mum not being ready to be a gran parent or she's not ready to see you having a little family as it means your no longer her baby girl if that makes sense.
at the end of the day as much as you respect your mum it's yours and your hubby's choice.

 

[tverb84]

I don't think 25 is too young to have a baby as long as you're ready and want to have one.