My mother is SERIOUSLY pissing me off!!! (and no, it's not hormones)

[BrandiCanucks]

I had a 3D ultrasound today. I told my mom not to come because my stepdad has been really sick all week and I don't want to risk her bringing it and passing it on if it's just waiting in her body, but I offered to have it set up so that she could watch a live broadcasting over the internet. I didn't have my phone in my hands but it rang at least 13 times, I had 17 texts from her, and the receptionist knocked on the door to tell the tech that the broadcast wasn't going through. My mother actually tracked down the place to tell them to broadcast it.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I got home and I posted the photos of my daughter from the session today.

Now before I continue, a little backstory. My mother is the type that when she's wishing someone well, she makes it all about her. For example, "Happy Birthday to MY precious, handsome, amazing little boy, Isaiah! Grandma loves you more than anything and anyone!"

I almost lost my last baby during labour due to a cord prolapse. He needed resuscitation, and spent time in NICU. I had to be put to sleep. When I woke up, I didn't know if he had made it and they wheeled me past him but said I couldn't hold him or anything until he was stabilized. I ended up falling back to sleep and when I woke up and was more aware, I went to post the only picture I managed to get through my grogginess, and tell the birth story...only to find out that my mother had already posted his photo, his full name, birth time, weight, length, AND what happened during the labour.

Strangers on Facebook had already seen photos of my son before I even knew if he had survived; before I had even woken up. They saw him before I did.

So I've been going back and forth debating on whether or not I'm going to let her in at the birth.

Tonight, not even twenty minutes after I made the album of the 3D ultrasound, my mother went through the album, picked her favourite picture, and posted it to her OWN profile (without asking me first or even saying she was going to). But not only did she post the picture, she actually made the post implying that my daughter, the baby I'm carrying is HERS and has been accepting congratulations as if she is the one pregnant.

Am I right to be upset here? Because this just tells me she won't hesitate to make a birth announcement and post photos again before I do and before I've had time to bond with my daughter.

I am FURIOUS!!!!

 

[DaisyDreamer]

Mmmm, this story sounds familiar. First, it sucks that you are dealing with this during your pregnancy! I agree that this is a time for bonding with your daughter and it's disrespectful (IMO) that she is posting information about other people without their permission on her profile.
My mom guilt tripped me into taking pictures of her kissing my belly and after promising to not post them anywhere (because I'm not on social media other than BnB), she posts it to FB anyway. Not to mention she keeps referring to the baby as HER baby. For that reason I've told her she's banished to the waiting room when I deliver.
Well all that aside I think what she's doing is invasive! Whatever you decide to do, remember that it is your child and if you would rather NOT have that kind of nonsense around then that's your choice and nobody else's, even though they are going to have their opinion about it. Best of luck and I hope this issue resolves itself!

 

[BethMaassen]

I think you are more than in your right to be furious. In fact, you are even more in your right to confront her about it, should you choose so.

My husband, although he may have more right than your mother to do so. decided to announce of Face book, and then his mom as well. The gender of our first before I even got to my computer. I was furious. I wanted to announce it... or at least be "there" to see to responses roll in... Nope mid gender reveal party of mostly my family, there it was posted.. I was furious.

My husband did the same thing... announced baby's arrival on FB before I even fully came to after my emcs. I was so angry. I played it off then because "I have people on my list you don't" and so on. BUt I was so angry...

But no, if my mom were doing what yours is, I would outright not include her.. NOt invite her to birth, tell hospital staff she is not to know anything until you are ready to tell her.. so on.

 

[BrandiCanucks]

Daisy, it's been going on for a while. It might sound familiar because this is the same mother who referred to me as sleazy, and had her sister attack me and call me a deceitful mockery when I first announced the pregnancy. I'm so very tempted to post those screen shots under her posts, but I refuse to stoop to her level.

 

[kuntrykutie]

I wouldn't tell her anything. Don't tell her when you go into labor or anything. She should have to wait just like everyone else. It's not her baby, it's yours. If my mother did that to me, I would be absolutely furious and would simply tell her to back off and that she had no right doing what she did.

Hope it all works out.

 

[Qmama79]

I'm astounded at reading this. These are intimate moments you should enjoy with the people of your choice without having to worry about what is going to be declared to the world.
I would not allow her in the hospital while labouring. I labour with my oh only. No one else is even in the hospital & I specifically request NO visits in hospital, so I can rest & recover and bond only! Everyone comes when I'm back at home after calling. But that's just us.
I would request NO smartphones in the hospital & all images & announcements will be made by the PARENTS!!! Good luck!!

 

[SaraVO]

******* ******* **** seriously banish her from your delivery. I thought my mom was bad but yours is on a whole other level. Facebook and social media is out of control. People feel entitled to every intimate aspect of other people's lives. It's ridiculous. I have not shared ultrasound photos to anyone because they seem so intimate and personal to me. Even though I've been asked multiple times I don't know if I'm going to. Ever. But to take your moments away from you is so appalling. I agree with the one who said to let her find out your baby is born on Facebook. When you announce it yourself. This has actually given me a lot to think about for my own labor. My mom has already demanded that she be present. But I really kind of feel like this should be my husband and I alone. Bringing our son into the world. The more I think about it the more I want it to just be the two of us.

 

[SaraVO]

I wouldn't tell her anything. Don't tell her when you go into labor or anything. She should have to wait just like everyone else. It's not her baby, it's yours. If my mother did that to me, I would be absolutely furious and would simply tell her to back off and that she had no right doing what she did.

Hope it all works out.

Ditto. Seriously. Take control of your birth. Even if it's by force! And people think you're mean.

 

[Topanga053]

I disagree with the others. I think as soon as you put pictures of the ultrasound on Facebook, they are perfectly fair game for your mom (or anyone else who's interested) to view, share, etc. I don't know why you think she should ask you or tell you before she shares them. It's like giving your mom hard copy pictures of your daughter and then being upset when she brings them to work and shows her co-workers. I think you open the door for sharing when you put the pictures on the Internet. I never understand why people think they can put something on the Internet and then think the information is private and that they have a right to control it.

I DO understand why you're upset about her announcement about your son. If you're worried about that again this time, why don't you just tell her that it upset you when she did it last time and that it's important to you that you or your husband get to be the first ones to make a public announcement. Everyone has very different ideas about what is acceptable in terms of using social media, so I think communication is important. Your mom might not have thought twice about announcing your son without realizing it was hurtful to you. I think you just need to talk to her and explain your opinion on the issue and ask her to wait on any announcements about your daughter until you give her the green light. If she ignores that request knowing your feelings, THEN I think you have good reason to be upset with her.

 

[Gemmaleanne23]

Sounds just like my mum to be honest! Admittedly she's always said her grandchildren not her children, but the way she is with Facebook I totally get the frustration.

I have to be careful what photos I send her of my girls at home etc and almost pre-Facebook assess them because I know they'll end there (how bad is that? Having to only send your mum photos that you wouldn't mind a stranger seeing) I won't let the kids FaceTime her unless the house is spotless now either as in the past she's screen shotted them and that's gone on Facebook too for the world to see. She's commented on my statuses in the past to answer friends questions about the girls or pregnancy, info I would have inboxed not posted publically. And iv had to tell her just last week to take a comment down off a friends page where she'd just openly told them what we are calling the twins.. Even though she can clearly see iv not once mentioned it on social media.. It just casually rolls out of the tips of her fingers.

She wasn't impressed when I asked her to take it down, but that was crossing a line for me. She says all the time during my last labour (she came over to watch my older children) that before we left for the hospital she felt like a proper mum doing her part because she was there while I was in labour.. No she's happy she got to announce on Facebook that she'd been there so she could make it about her more like. In all of my pregnancies she's dropped hints that she wants to be at scans and the births but iv always ignored it. It's sad really that Facebook puts a wedge in things like this. But it's so hard when people are so wrapped up in dictating thier lives to strangers that they let it imo.

Tell her straight out that it's just you and oh this time. You don't even need to go into specifics. Just that that's what you've chosen. She'll be upset but she will get over it. If your worried about her turning up in labour, either don't tell people your in labour or tell the staff she's not to be let in x

 

[BrandiCanucks]

I'm a single parent so it would just be me. My brother is getting married next year and his fiancee has asked to be there, so she knows what to expect, and I am seriously considering just having her, and just using that as an excuse to not have my mother there.

Topanga, I'm not pissed that she went onto my profile and went through the album picking out the photo SHE liked to take to her own profile. That photo wasn't even posted individually. I'm PISSED that she's passing MY CHILD off as hers. Even when she posted ultrasound photos of my last child, she referred to him as "my handsome grandson". This time, she's literally referring to my daughter as HER "new baby girl" and accepting all the congratulations, and not correcting anyone who truly believes this is her baby. THAT is what is disrespectful and pissing me off.

When I told her how hurt I was that I didn't get to announce my son's birth because she did it, she laughed at me and told me to get over it. My son and I went through a very difficult birth, extremely traumatic, and he almost died. So to be relieved he was alive, only to find out that I had nothing to announce made me feel disrespected and less of a mother. My mother LITERALLY oversteps her boundaries in almost every aspect of my life as a mother. It doesn't matter if I dress my children in GAP, Justice, H&M, etc, to go to her house, she takes my kids upstairs and changes them into something she bought and tells me to shut up and stop complaining.

Anyway, this morning, someone commented that she "didn't know old people did that" (My mom is 49 so it's not unheard of), so I commented that she didn't and it's her granddaughter, and she actually got mad at ME for correcting her friend! "Thanks Brandi, but..."

If my kids didn't love her so much, I'd just cut her right out.

 

[kuntrykutie]

my mom has under-minded me as well to the point that I have actually just gone off and snapped at her.I felt bad about it afterwards, but I got my point across. Thankfully before I even went into labor she told me that her and my dad didn't want to come to the hospital until the day after I had my daughter, which was really respectful. I really hope for your sanity, that your mother can take a hint and back off a bit. You should seriously consider having her banned from the birth and don't even tell her when you are going into labor. It's pretty sad that that may have to be an option, but some people just don't get it.

 

[crazy4baby09]

My mil did the same thing when I had my son, except it went beyond stuff on facebook. We had many conversations with her about the fact the she is a grandmother to my son not his mother, therefore she has to follow our rules regarding him. She still fights us to this day, sadly we have had to limit contact with her a lot due to these issues. I definitely wouldn't let her be in the room during birth after whats shes done. Some people just don't see a problem with their actions, when that happens you just have to have more precautions. I hope that things get better between you and your mom regarding this and that you are able to enjoy announcing the arrival of your little one the way you want to.

 

[laila 44]

Maybe I'm wrong here but to me I find it endearing that she refers to her grandchildren as her precious gifts etc. that's not what would upset me at all. I'd be peeved at a mother who wouldn't give a F to be honest. Sounds to me like she loves her grand children.... However u know her best and maybe she's deviant in her ways I don't know. I would however be upset at her sharing Pics of my baby before I even saw him. That yes.

 

[pinkpassion]

I understand why you're upset, but I think you need to set boundaries with your mom. It doesn't sound like you've done that before.
When you said: "So to be relieved he was alive, only to find out that I had nothing to announce made me feel disrespected and less of a mother" made me sad. You feel less of a mother because you didn't get to announce your son's birth? Maybe I'm not getting something here, but that seems crazy to me! THIS is why I choose to not be on social media. Too much darn drama. Block your mom from you facebook. Problem solved! If you allow her to continue the way she's been for so long nothing will change!

 

[BrandiCanucks]

I went through PTSD after his birth from the trauma, so already felt like I failed, and when I didn't get to announce my own child's birth because my mother took that from me, I felt even less like HIS mother.

My mother oversteps so often and undermines me that sometimes, I DO feel like less of a mother. My own mother won't let me be a mother!

Does that make more sense?

 

[mewolkens]

I think you're totally justified in feeling like she took something from you.

Your birth experience felt out of control for you so you were looking forward to making the annoucement. The anxiety of that happening again is probably all too real. I think you may have to have a firm sit down to set some boundaries.

 

[pinkpassion]

Then YOU need to set boundaries, she is constantly doing all this stuff and will continue to do so until you put a stop to it!!

I hope all works out for you and you are able to put the proper boundaries in place!

 

[BrandiCanucks]

I've lost it on her a few times and tried to set boundaries, but she ends up turning it into a pity me party, having a screaming match with me (she ACTUALLY flipped out on me for bringing a different high chair to Thanksgiving last year, because it wasn't the one I originally bought, and it didn't matter that I bought it on sale and the other one had broken. We had a screaming match in my aunt's front hall over it). She LOVES to try and throw in the guilt trips to justify it all, so it's something I have to tread lightly on. I swear I sometimes walk on eggshells with her.

A few weeks ago, I took the kids to visit her (we live about an hour from her) and we got into an argument because I wouldn't let my daughter, who has autism, bring the markers and paper home from her house. I made this call because my daughter will colour all over the van instead of the paper, and will rip the paper into pieces and throw it all over my van. I wasn't having that. Even bringing the paper and markers with me and not letting her have it until we got home would have sent her into a meltdown of mass proportions, where she would take her seatbelt off and leave her in an unsafe position. So I said no.

Instead of "Mommy says no, Zoe, but you can colour when you're here next", it was "I don't know why your mother is being be mean. I'm sorry, Zoe. At least Grandma loves you". So I messaged her about it and we didn't speak for a month because I was overreacting and I need to stop undermining her authority as Grandma.

So I haven't even bothered to say anything about this post she made other than the "It's her granddaughter" comment, because I know what's coming, and I just don't have the patience or energy to deal with it right now.

Instead, I vent lol.

 

[AnnieMac2]

She sounds a lot like my mom - a complete narcissist. I can really empathize. It's really disturbing when you tell someone you're upset about something and they laugh in your face or mock you - especially when it's your mother. You really do need to set boundaries (although they're hard to enforce when the other person doesn't respect them. I know from experience). She will probably never change; she already doesn't respond to requests. For your own sanity, do not let her in the delivery room. I know what it's like to walk on eggshells and deal with someone guilt-tripping and manipulating you while at the same time not caring how you feel. You need to do what you want. No one else is looking out for you. Just ask yourself, "Do I want her in the delivery room/at the ultrasound, etc.?" And then go with the simple yes or no answer. It's a really difficult type of person to deal with, but you need to take care of yourself and these are important moments. She'll have her predictable dramatic reaction, but I'm sure you've seen it a million times already...and I get that some of these things seem minor or even cute to other people - and they are as isolated incidents - but this whole thing she has going on is really dysfunctional and it's all tied together. I know where you're coming from. Good luck!...oh and don't let her bait you and try to bargain...don't engage in that. Just repeat that you're doing x, y and z according to your own preference and it has nothing to do with her. She won't accept it like a healthy person should, but you don't need to be dragged to her level. Stay strong.