My mum wants to stay with us just after I've had my baby...am I being unreasonable?

[Bing28]

Bit of a rant....

Me and my husband live about 120 miles away from our families. Also I don't have a great relationship with my mum, details of which I'm not going to go into.

Anyway, when we visited our families back in July my mum mentioned about visiting and staying with us for a few days once the baby was born and said she would sleep on the sofa or on the floor in the lounge. I didn't say anything in response to this at the time.

A few days after we returned home I sent an email to everyone (on both sides of our families) saying we don't have room to put people up if they wanted to visit once baby is here as we only have a 2 bedroom house (one room is ours and the other one is the nursery). So I told everyone they would either need to stay in a hotel or do a day trip and recommended to everyone a variety of local hotels ranging in price.

Anyway, today my mum rang me to see how I was (currently 6 days overdue) and she mentioned about sleeping on the sofa or floor for a couple of days again for a couple of nights within the first week baby is here. I told her that we don't have room to put people up and that I had told that to the whole family back at the end of July when I sent everyone that email. My mum started crying on phone saying she thought I would make an exception for her and she can't afford a hotel (she is in a lot of debt and struggles for money) so she won't be able to come down until payday in 10 days time! I may not have even had my baby for another week as I will be induced in 6 days time so if that happens she would only have to wait 4 days until she had the money to pay for a hotel! And why didn't she start saving for a hotel when I told the whole family they would need to stay in one back at the end of July?!

I feel like she is trying to guilt trip me into having her stay at ours when me and my husband really don't want people staying over that soon after baby is born.

I just feel really annoyed that she just thinks it's acceptable to assume me and my husband want to put people up in a small two bedroom house just after I've given birth. We couldn't think of anything worse. We want to spend time as a new family together, just the three of us to bond with our new baby. We don't mind visitors for a few hours but we definitely don't want people staying at ours and getting in the way of this precious time as a new family.

Am I being unreasonable? My sisters and my husbands family are all fine with either doing a day trip or paying for a hotel!

 

[diz]

I get where your coming from and I don't think you should feel bad for feeling this way. You want time to bond and recover from the birth. You have no idea what your birth will be like or your postpartum recovery. It makes it more difficult if you have a strained relationship too.

With my first, I was adamant that I didn't want anyone staying... I didn't even want anyone to visit for the first few days and I'm pleased that I got my way. That was mine and my husbands time, no one else's.

 

[Willow82]

You're not being unreasonable. You've got to do what you feel comfortable with. Bringing home a baby is such a profound, life changing experience, nothing should interfere with your enjoyment of becoming a family.

I have a great relationship with my mum but I wouldn't have wanted her staying in the first week either especially as I had huge difficulties breastfeeding. She did come and stay for a few days after OH went back to work as I wasn't feeling comfortable enough on my own.

 

[6lilpigs]

Again you are not being unreasonable This will be your time as a new family, you can play host at christmas if she wants that but for the first week your hormones and emotions are in a totally new place, your body is changed in ways that you want kept personal and not commented on by the guest! Please stick to your guns, honestly offer xmas instead, good luck with little one xx

 

[pachamama92]

Definitely not unreasonable! My mum guilt trips me like this too and it is very emotionally draining. You don't need extra stress just now either! I didn't want anyone around after DS was born but a lot if people (including my mum) ignored this. Put your foot down now and don't feel bad about it. She shouldnt be putting you in this situation!

 

[jstarr]

Definitely not being unreasonable, the last thing you want is someone else in your house when you don't have that great of a relationship, it's not fair of her to make you feel guilty at this time when you should be relaxing and preparing for your little one.

 

[Jessicahide]

No your not! Its a magic time and no bugger should be interfering with your coming home xxxxxx

 

[lewood88]

I don't think your being unreasonable at all hun she should respect your wishes.

My mil can be a bit pushy at times when I had dd2 she took it upon herself to keep picking her up which has Now resulted into a clingy child and I don't want it this time round and I've made a point if it as I don't know how dd2 will take to a baby taking up my attention especially when breast feeding

Don't make you mom make u feel bad hun xx

 

[Rainstorm]

Honey as you say, if it meant so much for her to be present, she should have thought of a plan b after the email and saved some money. She had plenty of time. Remember this time is about baby, you and whoever else you want to include, in this case you dh. And while it is also an important event for the rest of the family, it's not a life altering event for them as it is for the three of you.

 

[MrsJones1986]

I don't think you're being unreasonable not wanting to have to put people up literally hours or days after giving birth, however I do also think it's slightly unreasonable to expect your mum to pay for a hotel. Perhaps she should visit initially just for an afternoon when baby is born and then go home and perhaps in a few weeks time when things settle down and husband goes goes back to work (if that's the plan) she could come and stay over for a few days then.

My parents also live about 100 miles away and we oy have a small 2 bedrooms hous. We have bought a blow up air bed for visitors ( mainly mum & dad) but only imagine they will stay one night the weekend after I give birth as they both work full time.

 

[PocoHR]

I agree with everyone else, you are not being unreasonable. Maybe if you frame the issue differently with your mom she'll back off? Tell her it is not just about space, but also about the timing and that you would rather not see anyone too much right after the baby is born. You could also offer to bring the baby to see her in a month or two, and that way the visit is on your terms and it wouldnt cost her anything. This is what I am doing with my own mom, who I also have a hard time with. Good luck to you xx

 

[Snoopee]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You've got to do what's best for you and your family. Have you thought about letting her stay for a while after your partners paternity leave ends. This is what we did with my mil last time as ohs family also live far away. I was dreading it but actually found that it was lovely to be able to shower and nap and just have help on hand. Was also nice for them to bond as we can't see her very often. It was so helpful that she's coming to stay this time for 2 weeks after husband returns to work. Just a suggestion though. You should absolutely do what you're comfortable with and not feel pressured into anything.

 

[Rachel89]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You've got to do what's best for you and your family. Have you thought about letting her stay for a while after your partners paternity leave ends. This is what we did with my mil last time as ohs family also live far away. I was dreading it but actually found that it was lovely to be able to shower and nap and just have help on hand. Was also nice for them to bond as we can't see her very often. It was so helpful that she's coming to stay this time for 2 weeks after husband returns to work. Just a suggestion though. You should absolutely do what you're comfortable with and not feel pressured into anything.

I agree with Snoopee. Just to make you feel less stressed and relaxed about everything I would tell her your wishes as soon as you can, just to get it out of the way and be clear and firm (so she won't keep going on about it and trying to change your mind later on).

Explain to her that it is a special time for you and your hubby as a family and it not being just about the space. Also try to tell her 'John and I...' I find myself having to do this sometimes so they will back off easier.

Her coming after two weeks or so sounds good to me. My husband is taking a week or two off work for when baby comes, and this will be our time as well. We don't mind people visiting but no long hours, especially not the first two weeks as I see it as aside from bonding time also as your healing time after birth, both physically and emotionally.

 

[Dill]

You're not being unreasonable at all.

 

[tallybee]

I completely agree you're not being unreasonable hun. Pps have given good ideas for approaching it. Gl hun x

 

[Mississippi03]

I would ask that she not come immediatly after but give you guys a few weeks to settle in.
I would never ask my mom to stay in a hotel.. But i also have a good relationship with her. Dhs parents will stay here.. But ive set up boundaries and time frames that they can stay.. And dh knows that when i tell him enough is enough he must ask them to leave.. I wont allow it to be a hinderence to me.

 

[Bing28]

Thanks for everyone's comments and suggestions.

So after our phone call my mum threw her toys out the pram a bit and emailed me saying she won't be able to do a day trip as she can't drive in the dark (1st time I've ever heard this!) and she can't afford a hotel so she won't be able to visit the baby at all. She then started moaning at me saying she wished she knew what she had done to be treated this way.

I replied by saying I had told the whole family we can't put people up so she shouldn't take it personally and explained that me and hubby want that precious time with our new addition to bond with the baby and I don't know how I'll be feel both physically and emotionally after just giving birth. I reiterated that back in July I had given everyone accomadation suggestions if she didnt want to do a day trip and instead wanted to stay in the area which started at £30 a night (we live in military accomadation and the camp has family flats they rent out for £30 a night so very cheap and only a 5 minute walk from our house. And she has stayed in them before when she came to ours last Xmas for 3 nights - only difference being we paid for it!). I also suggested that if she can't afford to stay somewhere and didn't want to do a day trip herself then I'm sure one of my two sisters would give her a lift as both of them are planning on doing a day trip to visit.

She replied admitting she didn't think my email back in July applied to her so she hadn't saved up for accomadation. And she made excuses why she couldn't come with my sisters (even though I'd already spoken to them and they said they would happily offer to give her a lift when they visit!). She then changed her Facebook profile picture from a picture of me and her to a picture of just herself.

I know some of you say it may be unreasonable to say she has to stay in a hotel but I'm not picking on her individually, I've told the whole family (both mine and hubby's side) the same thing if they wanted to visit so soon after baby is born. Also I don't see the problem when there is very cheap accomadation a 5 min walk from our house which she has happily stayed in before. I know we paid for it previously so you all may say I should pay for it again but I refuse to, as I don't want to go into details but lets just say me paying £150 for it wasn't good enough as it was thrown back in my face that I never do anything for her in one of her arguments with me shortly afterwards!

And I know some of you mentioned having her stay over in a few weeks time once hubby is back at work but neither of us want that as well. It's not just her, we wouldn't want anyone staying over. Our house is just far too small. And if we have my mum stay at ours then we have to have my MIL and FIL stay over sometime too as we can't treat one parent different to the other set of parents. Neither me or hubby want that as it will just be too much for both of us.

Anyway, sorry for the rant and thanks again for your suggestions. I'm sure my mum will come round eventually and visit the baby once it is here.

Xx

 

[6lilpigs]

I'm glad you've sorted it with her Now you both can just look forward to having your little one with you soon!!!! Best of luck xx

 

[jessmke]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I am due December 5th, and have told family that no one is coming over until Christmas to meet the baby (we host Christmas at our house). We don't live in the same city as our families, so there isn't a possibility of a quick drop by visit, if they come then they are staying and I don't want that in the first few weeks after the baby is born. I don't think it's asking too much to have some alone time with your new family. My MIL was pissed about it but I don't care, it's my baby and I will do what I want!

 

[o0oCharlieo0o]

You are not being unreasonable at all, your mum had plenty of time to save its only £30 a night that's a bloody good price, I wouldn't want someone sleeping on my sofa or floor shortly after having a baby, getting under my feet! And as much as people say "oh we will help you out" it's not helpful having people stay, u feel you have to play hostess offering tea etc and it's just not on you will have just had a new baby! People visiting for a couple of hours is one thing but day and night? No thank you! There is no excuses to be made your mum had time so she can say now all she likes she doesn't drive in the dark or doesn't have the money but she had the time to sort this out and only has herself to blame so don't feel guilty at all x