MY SITUATION (long, but I'd be pleased to hear what you think)

[MrsBod]

Hi everyone

So, my situation is that I've been married for 15 months to my second husband. I have two sons from my first marriage and I'm 35.

My OH had a 2 month affair with an ex 6 months into our marriage (between March and May last year). He ended it and then told me because she threatened to do it for him when he said it wasn't happening anymore.

2009 turned into the very worst year of my life. In fact, if I stop and think about it, I don't know how I got through it.

I was looking forward to having a baby with my OH and talked about it often during the time when I was unaware what was going on!

Once I found out, I decided there would be no way I would want a child with him, let alone stay with him!

He was beside himself with remorse and knew he'd done this god-awful thing to me. He had started a new business which had sent him into some sort of spiral.

I don't think these are excuses, I think (now that I'm almost sane again) that this is the truth and our marriage HAD become awful. He wouldn't talk to me about anything or come near me and when he did, sex lasted all of a few seconds! I began to think I'd made a terrible mistake and life was crap.

Anyway, 7 months on since finding out, I am more than convinced he is sorry, fully accountable and overtly aware of what he almost lost, almost to the point where I feel if I had gone, he would have done something stupid.

Now all he talks about is having a baby. He googles baby names, etc. and hopes every month that my period won't come. Whilst this is what most women would want from their OH, I'm worried it's just a form of entrapment.

As much I would like another child, I wonder how I would really feel if it were to happen. Indeed, how he would really feel. He is fabulous with my sons, who are aged 12 and 8, and I'm sure he would make a great father.

But I'm frightened that, when things get stressed again, which they inevitably do with a new baby around, he'll run away again.

The most ridiculous thing you will find in all of this is that we're not exactly kids - I'm 35 and he's 37!

As you can tell, I'm very confused right now and It's taken a lot to write this down, so please be gentle and let me know what you think.

Many thanks, xx

 

[caz81]

can you trust him? siunds to me like you cant and if thats the case then having a baby with him may not be the best option. having a baby will add stress and pressure not make the relationship. I really hope you can work things out but imo maybe work on the relationship first xx

 

[Amygdala]

Seeing as you asked for opinions I'll give you mine, although it may not be what you want to hear. I think deep down you know yourself that he's not exactly the man you should have a baby with. He cheated on you 6 months (!!!) into your marriage. No matter how sorry he is now, that tells you something about what kind of person he is. Yes, it may have been external circumstances. BUT he proved that he couldn't or didn't want to withstand those circumstances so what's to say he won't do it again in similar circumstances?
One sentence really struck me in your post: You say you fear this may be a form of entrapment. If you even suspect that for only one second I think that's enough reason to not go for it (for now). You wouldn't feel this way unless there was something wrong between the two of you and bringing a baby into this is likely to make the situation worse not better.
If I was in your situation, I'd probably have left him when the affair came out in the first place, especially because he only told you because he was forced to. But if you want to make it work with him, I think that's fair enough. I just wouldn't add a baby as that would complicate things so much more, for you, for your relationship, for your two boys and not least of all for the baby. I'd definitely rethink ttc.
Sorry for being so direct but I figure telling you "all will be fine" doesn't really help you either.

 

[zaida]

Hiya....Ive been thinking, if you are 35, you do have a couple years left to think about having a child....it doesnt have to be right now...why dont you wait 1 or 2 more years...and if things seem strong and stable with your marraige....then go for it?

Take care of yourself...be gentle with yourself and your partner....(I know, I know, that might be an unpopular stance, but people make mistakes, and life is hard)....Do what "feels" right, and take your time.

 

[Booga]

I recommend counseling, personally. That way, both you and your DH can get everything off your chests that you have built up over the last year or so. Any frustrations, fears, and other feelings you might be having can be out in the open in an environment where neither of you can run away.

Hopefully after a few sessions you'll be comfortable around each other again. But if you find that things don't change, and you're still miserable, he may not be the man you need to be with. You're 35, and still plenty young enough to have a baby in the future! Take each day in stride, and don't be afraid to let your DH know how you feel, even if you have to do it with a professional present. He's probably got things he wants to share too.

Best of luck to you and your DH

 

[sun]

I agree with the above posters - if you are wary of having a child with him, then you shouldn't. I would have alot of trouble working out the relationship if there was a cheating incident. I would like to say I would never tolerate it, but I know that until I have been there I don't know what I would do. I can't imagine being able to deal with it very well though or how we would even start to rebuild the trust.

You mentioned that he was under alot of stress - is that how he deals with stress? You are right in thinking a baby will add a ton of stress to the relationship. Do you think he is trying to fix the damage he did by bringing a baby into the picture? I have a friend who was having issues with her husband and thought a child would bring them all together and fix problems.

So I would also wait and maybe try some counselling? You can still have a baby in a year or two - there are plenty of ladies on here in their late 30s, so don't age be too much of a factor in your decision.

Lots of hugs xx

 

[plutosblue]

I agree with the ladies above, I would hold off. I would work on your marriage, try to heal the wounds, as Booga said councelling could be an option. I took councelling for my anxiety disorder, and for me it didn't work wonders, but it put things into persepective and allowed me to move on.

If I felt I would even possibly feel trapped at the idea of a child I would not go ahead with it. I think bringing a child into the world is so stressful and you are both still healing from his mistakes. I would work on that first, rebuild the trust, talk things out. I think he thinks a baby will help bring you back together (reminds me of easties and Ian and Jane!).

 

[MrsBod]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I've been a bit bogged down at work and so only just now logged back in.

I think (or rather know) that waiting is the right thing to do. From my previous pregnancies, I know how it's supposed to feel when you both truly want a family together and the way it feels when it's 'right'.

And as broody as I am I know it would not be ideal right now.

Having said that, I hope it's okay to stick around because you're all so lovely and I love all things pregnancy and baby

With love xx

 

[Booga]

Absolutely stick around! All of our situations are different, and we'd love to have you around

 

[caz81]

Absolutely stick around! All of our situations are different, and we'd love to have you around

i agree