my situation

[fl00b]

just a bit confused on what to do! (idk whether this will get locked or not as it contains some sensitive stuff which i know isn't allowed :/ i'm just really lost on this though and would appreciate some second opinions)

me and FOB were together a year before i got pregnant. it wasn't a happy relationship, he would make out i was the worst gf in the world to his friends, say he cheated on me but then be as nice as pie to my face. when i used to find out what he was telling everyone, he'd deny it and like a loser i'd believe him. he also came out as gay a few times to me, broke my heart and then the next say say he wasn't + to get back with him.

so in Oct 11 i found out i was pregnant. being 17 i didn't plan him so i freaked out but i said no matter what i'd keep him, i couldn't put myself through a termination. he however had other ideas and said he'd leave me if i didn't have one. having such low self confidence and to keep hearing him say i'd have nobody if i lost him (my parents were VERY strict and would chuck me out) his mom then started pestering me asking when i was gonna go, even though i'd told her i wasn't. i gave in + shamefully went to the clinic. at one point i actually broke down and begged him to not put me through it but he said it was the only way, he even had to hold me down on the bus at one point as i went to run off it.

they did all the routine things at the clinic and then performed an ultrasound but couldn't find anything on there but the tests came back positive - so they said the fetus wasn't as far on as i thought but they couldn't perform a termination without seeing the fetus. i broke down in tears of happiness + told him downstairs. he made another appt for me to come back, but within the time of the next appt - i'd finally told him to 'go do one' (in not so nice words) and we split, he told me he didn't want to see me again along with some other hurtful stuff (e.g. i hope the kid asks you why you didn't abort it)

so my mom found out and then as expected, she kicked me out cos i said i was keeping it. me and FOB were back on speaking terms but not together, he heard and told me to come and live with him and his parents. we got back together the same night. i lived there for a few weeks but couldn't look at him after what he tried to get me to do, so when my mom asked if i wanted to come back home i packed my bags and left.

my mom HATES FOB with a passion so when i moved back home, she said part of the conditions were that i didn't see him again. we stayed together in secret for a few months after but eventually i grew to hate him and i kept coming back to what had happened beforehand with the clinic, so we split.

in May when i was 8 months pregnant, me and FOB were quite close again and he kept saying how much he wanted to get back with me. i really wanted to but i had heard he was chatting quite a few people up which he denied, so still having his facebook pw -i went on and investigated.
turned out these 'people' were 13 year old boys. he was having sex with them, at least 4. i cried my eyes out. not only did he lie to me, it was absolutely disgusting.

i took screenshots of one of the conversations and texted him calling him all the perverts in the sun. (he's 18, 17 at the time) and told him he wasn't coming near my little boy.

so when finley was born, i rang him and notified him. he then asked if he could come up the hospital with his parents to see him, as it was past visiting hours he was allowed - but for only 3 min at the door. i said i didn't want to see him so the mw took him.

he then saw him for 3 hours on the saturday after when he was 3 days old. i didn't feel comfortable at all around him so, he hasn't seen him since then. his mom however seems to want to see him more than he does, and kept messaging me everyday asking when "she" could see him. she asked more than he did - a lot more. and tbh i think she was pushing him into asking too.

i hadn't heard off him for a while and i wanted to see if he was really interested in seeing finley. so i found out he was at a car racing meeting on bank holiday monday (i noticed he only seemed to ask when he wasn't busy with his volunteering car racing thing) so asked him if he wanted to see him then. he said "yeah " so i thought wow, he must care. 2 hours later he then called me all the cows under the sun for no reason, and told me to delete his number and that he didn't want to talk to me again. so i think i get the message.

ok that's the whole story. things i'm confused about:

1) should i go to the police with those screenshots? the boys were 13/14 and he was 17 at the time he wrote them

2) he doesn't pay child support. but his parents did buy me a pram/carseat back in Feb. should i return those? i think i should but in a way he should at least contribute something to his son

3) if in future he does contact me asking to see Finley, should i let him? considering what he put me through to begin with, he wouldn't have a son. but then he did let me stay with him whilst i was homeless, but i am a bit worried about leaving finley alone with him.

4) if i don't let him see him, and him or his family take me to court - do you think he'd have a chance of getting rights? :/
- he's not on the birth certificate
- i have those screenshots still
- we're both 18
- apart from the pram/carseat which his parents bought, he hasn't paid a penny of child support or even offered

if you've made it this far, thanks a lot

 

[Firefly83]

Hi fl00b!
First off I have to give you kudos for keeping your baby.

Ok, so you seem to be in a bit of a pickle, (as do I). I will give you my opinion, and that is all it is. You will have to make all of these decisions on your own accord. They need to be what you want and what you believe in your heart to be the right thing to do.

1. The screenshots- Even though it does not seem ok for a 17 year old to be with a 13 year old, I am not sure of the laws there in UK. It is definitely something you should look into even if you decide not to take it to the authorities. It is something that may help you keep him from getting custody in the future should he decide to try. If it turns out that what he is doing is illegal and you feel that it may impact the safety and or wellbeing of your child I would probably consult a lawyer on what you should do next.

2. The Carseat- Do not give them back! They were a gift, end of story.

3. Visitation - The chances of this guy asking to see the baby seem pretty slim. The simple fact that the only thing he did to assist you during your pregnancy was give you a temporary place to stay does not entitle him to anything. From what I gathered in your post, he verbally and emotionally abused you. He physically restrained you and he deserves nothing good! If he wants to see the baby and if you agree, there should be someone that you trust present to supervise.

4. Court- I don't know how the laws in UK work but I doubt that he or his family would take you to court. If they haven't helped with anything but the Carseat, they aren't going to want to pay for court. There will be lawyer fees, paternity testing, back child support and depending on UK laws, 18 more years of child support. I don't think that there is any way possible that he could get full custody. He may get visitation rights, but that will all come with child support that he will jave to pay once paternity is established.

When my mother was pregnant with me, my biological father decided he didn't want me. He signed away his parental rights. My mother remarried and my (non-biological) Dad adopted me. I am so lucky that my mom was able to get me away from that psycho and I have the best dad in the world! Personally I think that there are far worse things than growing up not knowing your biological father.

I don't know if any of this helps you or not. You seem like you have your sons best intrest at heart and as long as you make your decisions based on what would be best for him, now and in the long run, you will be just fine.

 

[teal]

Personally I would report it to the police and knowing that I wouldn't be allowing him access to your little boy.

Even if a father is not on the birth certificate he can still take you to court for his parental responsibility. However, I'm not sure how much the above would affect that, whether he would be granted supervised visitation.

xx

 

[AP]

Report that to the police I really didnt expect that twist as I was reading the thread. My jaw dropped on the table

Don't bother returning the stuff - they were a gift from his parents not him.

As for contact - should you allow it? No - because you have evidence he was grooming and having sex with young boys. If social services got wind of this and discovers you knew all along, you could be held responsible for risking your child. (it doesnt even have to be you - one of those boys may report him)

Take the stuff to the police asap. Its hideous. Theres words for people like that and he is at a risk to minors, end of story, and you can put a stop to it all!

 

[emalou90]

i'd certainly go to the police, you have grounds to keep him away from your child if you want that, you never know what could happen in the future if hes on his own with your child.

sends shivvers down my spine.
x

 

[jackie2012]

i agree take it to the police i'm not sure what your laws are in the uk but like the above said you knowing this and not coming forward with it could come back on you.

Go with your gut if it makes you uncomfortable for him to be around your son i wouldn't let him, especially unsupervised.

I wouldn't worry about court either it would be up to them to prove that you are an unfit mother in order for them to get custody. You have given him the opportunity to see his son so they can't say you have been unreasonable, and you have been his primary care giver since he has been born.

As for his parents they have no rights to your child they would have to go to court to get visitation if it came right down to it and even then it would be hard for them to get.

If you feel comfortable with it you could arrange to meet them somewhere so they could see your son, but if the FOB is still living with them stuff like overnights and taking him on their own might not be a good idea. and be honest with them as to why it would need to be like that.

I would also go to child welfare and ask them what services are available to you as far as legal help and talk to a lawyer about what would be the best course of action to take.

 

[Lucasmum]

This just dosent sit comfortable with me, i think deep down in your heart you know what the right thing to do is, you have to think about your son now, its not going to be an easy ride but you sound like you are a strong person after what you have already been through

 

[Abz1982]

Please pleas please take the screen shots to the police............your ex is a PEADOPHILE. End of.

If it was me, no way in hell would I be letting FOB see the child or spend any time alone with him...........he has made it super clear he never wanted a child..........and god knows what he really is!

 

[Muppet]

I was just over here being nosey and found you, so thought I'd see how it's going considering I've not seen much from you since Finley was ill!

I had no idea he was that bad chick! I definitely wouldn't let him anywhere near Finley! And you shouldn't feel bad. The only reason his obsessive mother is tryna see him because she's controlling and doesn't like the fact you have power.

As for the screen shots, I would go to the police. Horrible way to think of it, but picture a 13 year old Finley, getting prayed on like that?:/

He wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he DID try to take you to court, and it came out that he'd been having sex with children.

The fact they bought a car seat and pram, keep them! They're probably all you'll get unless you're getting child maintenance sorted. You also owe him nothing, just for giving you a bed for a few weeks or however long it was.

Hope you get it sorted:/ Hate how sick some people are!!
Mail me if you ever need anything!xx

 

[Abby_]

Go to the police! Tbh, he sounds very indecisive so even of he tried taking you to court, he'd probably give up.
The pram and car seat were a gift. If you don't feel comfortable having them, or think they may use it against you. Give them back.
He is a waste of space.

 

[MumToBe2012]

Call the police! What he's doing is disgusting!

 

[MommaAlexis]

Have you called yet? :s I would not let a pedophile with my son!! That's horrendous. You have enough grounds to at the veeerrryyyy least make it difficult if not impossible to have your son alone. Every day he is free is another woman's son at risk

 

[whoops]

I don't know it works in the UK, but in Ireland (now), if you're aware that children are being sexually abused you're obligated, by law to report it.

There isn't a choice here. Would you be happy to sit back and know he was having sex with 13 year old girls? A 13 year old is still a child, and these poor boys are being taken advantage of, badly. If this isn't stopped now, who knows what effect it will have on them.

 

[fl00b]

hi girls
just wanted to say a huge thanks to everyone for the advice + thought i'd post an update.
i took the screenshots into the police (well, CEOP) and they said it isn't classed as paedophilia as the age difference was less than 5 years (which i thought was shocking as it was still 4) but cos he was having sex with minors it's still a major criminal offence.
i've asked for it to be kept anonymous so that i don't get anymore hassle from him or his family as anybody could have reported it. they said he's being investigated and they're going to try and talk to some of the boys he's been involved with. he'll more than likely end up with a criminal record and his name placed on the sex offender's register.

i wish i would have done it sooner now, reading my first post back i don't know what i was thinking asking if i should let him see finley. he's a sicko which deserves to be locked away and never deserves the blessing of kids.

again huge thanks to everyone for your help! it was that push i needed to take the action that i did.

 

[Muppet]

Well done hun!
Regardless of how bad what he's done is, it must've took a lot to 'turn him in' (I guess thats what it is )
Hope he gets what he deserves! And is kept well away from Finley!
X

 

[AP]

I am SO glad to hear this! It was the only right thing to do, well done!!! Xxx

 

[Abby_]

Well done. I know it must have been a difficult thing to do. Hopefully now the police are involved he will stop messing around with minors.
Keep Finley well away from him!

 

[Lynzeigh]

You are doing the right thing, and remember if he had got his way your son would not be here now, so well done for keeping your baby, he does not deserve to see your beautiful son and nor does that other person who wanted you to abort.

I would never forgive a person who tells me to abort my own child, end of.

Good luck with everything x