Mystery pregnancy and Birth(keeping secrets)

[sannod]

So I've come up with this crazy idea that maybe I don't need to tell anyone how far along I am or when the baby is due... I haven't announced my pregnancy yet and even my husband doesn't really know how far along I am... He's African so he basically refuses to even discuss pregnancy as in his family the men simply get a call after the baby arrives.... In the past I have always forced him to be more involved and in the end neither of us was happy...

My family on the other hand tends to get over involved and have very different ideas surrounding pregnancy, labour and birth than I do. I plan to have a home birth and while I had planned that last time they all threatened to not come or not support me.. I ended up going to the hospital because she surprised me and came quick and early but it was so quick my family did not have time to arrive and it actually made the process very relaxing for me.. Im actually contemplating just doing all on my own and saying I will let you know...

You would have to understand that my family is very close and that the expectation is we stick together... I had my mom dad and 2 sisters in the room with me when my son was born plus the 2 days of labour leading up... they are great but my mom gets stressed and that can be distracting... and god forbid they show up after an evening out drinking like they did at my sisters most recent birth!

Honestly I feel I just want this all to myself. this will likely be my last baby and all my other pregnancies were awful and stressful due to problems with my husband and family and this time I just want to live it.
I have no interest in anyone coming to any of my appointments or scans.. I cant really envision any of them at the birth either (including my husband) as they just aren't supportive anyways.. too damn impatient and loud I would have a doula and two midwives plus a birth photographer and video camera so they wouldn't miss it entirely.

Its a lovely thought of being able to go back to the secretive coy lady days who goes off into the bush herself and comes back with a baby while half the town didn't even know she was pregnant but I just don't know if that's realistic these days... PPL like numbers and facts... hmmm maybe try at first and see how it goes over... Im guessing I will get a lot of people saying im selfish (my dad) because my mom will want to plan to be there and they travel out of town a lot... if this wasn't my 3rd I wouldn't be showing so damn early and would have more time to wait

Anyways sorry for my long rant just try to formulate thoughts to words... hope it makes some sane sense

 

[ChristiansMum]

I love the idea I no one knowing! But both my babies waited for my mum. My DD after being in labour for 26 hours as soon as my mum walked onto labour ward she decided she was ready and I had the midwives telling me to wait and all I could hear was my mum running down the corridor to me and as soon as she walked in the room out popped DD (if I had of known my mum would of been there from the start!) my DH wish I didn't want him there cause all he done was moan before with DD and DS! But it's your pregnancy I think it's totally upto you what you decide cx

 

[RaspberryK]

Do whatever you feel comfortable with. If you don't want your whole family with you, I know I wouldn't, then don't! I'm booking in for my home birth in a few weeks, I tried last time and it didn't really work out.
I wasn't supported by some family either I just ignore them xx

 

[purplecupcake]

I'm quite honestly shocked and confused by your posts. I think you are using your husband's nationality as an excuse for his shitty behavior, and I really find it hard to understand how you can be happy when you're constantly oppressed. Above all, it worries be what kind of life this child will have.

I'm really not trying to be rude, I just don't get this at all and it shocks the hell out of me. Cultural differences are one thing, but to have a husband that you don't communicate with at all? That just sees you as a baby factory? This is too bizarre.

 

[sannod]

I didn't say we don't communicate I said he is not interested in being part of the pregnancy labour or delivery... Men being involved is still very much a western thing. He is the first man in his family and probably entire neighborhood to have actually witnessed a birth.. He is not comfortable with it and never imagined in his whole life he would eventually marry a Canadian and be faced with that... He is an excellent father despite the issues our marriage has which I think many ppl do otherwise the divorce rate in our country wouldn't be in the 50-60 percentile.

He isn't my issue i've learned what he can give and what he cant.
My point in all this is that i'm enjoying the secrecy of my pregnancy and its an unnatural thing these days to be secretive around pregnancy in fact with the rising cesarian rate many women know and so does everyone around them not only the sex and name of child but the exact moment they will arrive...

I'm enjoying the idea of making this something for me alone supported by those that believe as highly in the natural birth experience as I do (I caught my own daughter with no assistance from the midwife) I believe that long term mental preparation is part of that and we don't realise how much pressure people put on us to have these babies when where and how they want... My husband will likely being working out of town the time baby is due and this will help reduce the urge to have him take weeks off on the chance the baby may come early again or even on time.

I know many people hide their pregnancies until 25 weeks or more because they want to enjoy the time... If I had a less public job I think I'd be able to do the same and maybe be content with that... who knows... It is just the idea of going back to the woman centered roots of pregnancy labour and delivery....

Many African women hide their pregnancies the entire time and they enjoy it. A close friend of ours in Montreal carried twins and never said a word to her husband... he knew she was pregnant obviously but when the dr came out to announce 2 baby girls it was a total shock to him lol... at the time I thought how crazy is that how can she keep such a big secret? Same as I cant really understand how people don't find out the sex and don't go stark mad by the end lol... But the idea of knowing and keeping it to myself sounds appealing somehow

Anyways I look forward to this journey either way...

 

[RileysMummy]

Whatever floats.your boat hun..I couldn't do.it but if it's what a best for you then so be it good luck x

 

[2have4kids]

I agree, you do whatever makes you happy. You know your oh and family best, do all of the things you feel will make for the best experience for you!! It's a breath of fresh air to see a woman doing what she wants despite social pressures to ensure her own happiness. Just make sure your oh stays home and takes care of your other children while you're out & about delivering your third.

 

[wookie130]

Each to her own, I say. If this is what you want, then by all means, go for it!

 

[MaisyMay]

Whatever makes you happy and relaxed. It's no one else's business how you handle your pregnancy as long as your husband wouldn't be hurt by it. You obviously know how he'd react to this. I personally couldn't do it my pregnancy with my son was an incredibly bonding experience for us as husband and wife, especially the birth, but if that's what works for you then more power to you! Btw I love that you were the first to touch your daughter, that's beautiful. All being well I hope to have the chance to do the same with this baby xx

 

[florazurl]

I think your husband chooses not to get involved, i dont know what part of Africa he is from but in my own part of Africa, this modern africa, men get involved 100%.

 

[kittylady]

I will not be telling anyone until 12-14 weeks (around the start of April), I want it to be more intimate with my own family and not everyone wanting to ask me questions all of the time. it was a bit sudden this time round and we are still coming to terms with it. My daughter will be 2 and 2 months when baby comes and she has already started throwing almighty tantrums although she does know she wont get anywhere, I just allow her to calm down then get on with it.

I will then tell only my mum and MIL and maybe my sister. At about 15-18 weeks I will have to tell work due to maternity leave and as my second one it will probably be obvious by this point as I was showing with number one by that point.

Only tell when you want to its your business