Need a bit of advice

[Attalu]

I realllyyy need some help
I don't even know where to start, I broke up with my sons father at the very beginning of December. I left our flat with our son and moved in with my parents. Since then my ex has been living in our flat and having his friends around virtually every day getting drunk. I took my son over to see him on christmas eve, I hadn't even been there for 30 minutes and he had three alcoholic drinks. He got aggressive and actually grabbed me and snatched my 4 month old out of my arms. He then locked the front door and rushed into the bedroom shutting me out. Luckily my dad was close by and he came over and helped with the situation so the police weren't involved (so there's no record of it). He's continued to drink daily since then. He's not asked to see his son or even called to ask how he is (he's been sick with bronchilitis).

He was planning on moving away just before christmas and even wrote a letter explaining to me that he isnt 'a good father and never will be' because he's 'not cut out for it'. He's unemployed and has no intention of working. His name is, however, on our sons birth certificate.
I don't want to deny him access to his son, I am perfectly happy with him having supervised visits that could lead on to unsupervised ones once he has proven that he can be a good father. What I'm worried about is the fact that he has parental rights. Anything I decide for my son he will disagree with purely out of spite. I'm also worried that he will take my son from me without my consent because it's completely legal for him to do so.

I suppose I just what to know what my options are, if I have any?
I'd be super grateful for any advice.

I'm in the UK by the way, if that makes any difference.

 

[deafgal]

Hold on to that letter. And I would leave it alone. He just may not bother with the visitation..

 

[daddiesgift]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you did the right thing leaving him. I know you want your son to have a father but I think right now I'd just step back and let his father do his own thing. You don't want to force someone to be a parent. And in my opinion no parent is better than a bad parent.

I'm not sure UK laws but in the US you need a good reason to take a child from his mother. Simply being the father isn't enough. Especially a drunk father with no job. I'd be surprised if he'd even get any sort of custody if he took you to court which I completely doubt will happen. I wouldn't be concerned over losing your son at all. I would be concerned about having my child especially a baby around someone like that.

So I say forget about this guy. If he gets his shit together and wants to be a father then go from there. Do not stress him taking your baby, won't happen. One day you'll find a great partner/husband that loves you the way you're suppose to be loved and love your son like a father would love their own.

My parents were married 17 years before my mother left my father for drinking. I was about 5 but still don't remember it happening. He was a great father and loving, he wasn't abusive, just a drunk. He was there at first but more time went on more he chose drugs and drinking over his children. My mother gave him visitation rights but after a few years he just stopped coming around and my mother stopped taking us to shield us from his life style. I'm glad she did. I'm not bitter towards her at all about keeping us from seeing him like that. She had a long term boyfriend that always loved us and cared for us.

 

[Attalu]

Thanks for replying
Yeah, I suppose leaving him well alone is probably best. I've kept the letter and even scanned it so it's on my laptop, just in case.
I know there's absolutely no chance of him being able to take my son away from me.
He plays the dad card when it suits him and I know that he will use his rights to cause problems for me. Do you know if there are any ways to get his parental rights revoked? I do not want a drunk having a say in things that will affect my sons life.

 

[Dezireey]

Unfortunately, you could only take his name off the birth cert if he's proven to NOT be the father. I mean you could just state that he is not but he can get a DNA test done and just get himself back on there.

It's one of those situations here. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I know you want your child to have a Dad but he sounds in no fit state at present to be a father. Things may change in the future, he may get his act together. People with drinking problems can only help themselves, no-one can do it for them.

I would do as others have said. Leave him well alone and don't make any effort with him. If he wants to know about his child, let him contact you first etc. if he gets aggressive in texts,e-mails, whatever, record it all. In future, if anything happens again like you described ( god forbid lets hope it never does) call the police immediately. I know it's good to have your father to hand but when it concerns children, you must act as if you mean business. If the police had shown up, that may have been enough to scare him and he would never do that again. As it stands, he just thinks you don't have the guts to call the cops. He needs to know that the police will get involved.

For you and your baby's sake, I hope he just disappears out of your life. An absent father is far more appropriate to experience in life than the other option of an alcoholic, aggressive, abusive one making your child's life hell.

 

[deafgal]

You could report to someone what happened. Probably a good idea while it is still fresh

 

[Sinead]

Hi, I agree with what the others have said. I also left my husband at the beginning of December for the same reasons. He is an alcoholic and I could no longer cope with the aggression that is part of it. However, I called the police to get him out of the property. I signed something saying that he hadn't hit me (even though he had) so he wouldn't be arrested. However social services have been informed and it was me who contacted them for advice and they were brilliant. They advised that he couldn't return to the house and basically how I could help keep the children safe.

 

[hayz_baby]

What about residential order? If I'm correct they legally ensure that your lo lives with you so fob couldn't just "take" lo

 

[Mummy1995]

I think a residential order is important here. It means that fob couldn't just take your son and not give him back. Failing that then mediation to set out access arrangements. That would also means that if he refused to give your son back and it was outside of your access arrangements then you could phone the police to get him back

I'd personally just allow supervised visits with you and someone else you trust present in case he kicks off. But saying that I'd only do that if he approaches you to ask to see him. Otherwise I'd not bother as he isn't the type of person I'd want my child around. X

 

[angelic_one]

If I was in your situation I would get a free consultation with a local solicitor to advise you of your rights and potentially draft a document. I'm lucky in that my ex is a knob to me, but an okay father. If he was as bad to my daughter as he is to me I'd get it written in stone and this sounds like that kind of case to me. Better safe than sorry!!

 

[babybaillie]

I would defo keep that letter. Him having parental rights means he could come and take the wee one. I know this because i was told this with my ex. You can revoke his parental rights. But on one hand you couldnt say u wanna do that and say u want him to have access also.

parental rights doesnt mean he has much say on a day to day basis. so him disagreeing to decisions u make shouldnt really happen unless u keep him uptodate on everything you do. i wouldnt if you think he can go against you.

me personally i wouldnt push for a relationship with the wee one and him. Id let him go. Doesnt sound like at this point in his life he wants to be a dad or has anything to offer your lo.

 

[lovejoy]

I'm not on his side, but is he a drunk or is he drinking due to depression from losing his family? The letter sounds like a woe is me, I'm so alone and not worthy letter. Rather than, a true confession to being a rubbish dad, who wants no involvement with his child.

If you go to court for a residents order you need to have proof and he'll still have parental rights. The order of residents, just means the child lives with you until 18 and you can go out of the country for 4 weeks without his consent. He'll still have a say over schools, where the child lives etc(you can't up sticks and move far away with out his consent).

If his got a drink problem, he'll have to get help and he'll be given supervised visits if he request it.