Need advice on our childminder problem

[SazzleR]

Apologies in advance as this will be a long post!

When I returned to work after DS1, we chose a childminder who happens to be just around the corner. DS1 was a very difficult toddler but there was never any issues with the CM and DS1 adores her.

When DS2 came along, she had a place for him too. He attended along with DS1 for a year with no major issues. Well, there was one incident where another family changed their days to avoid having DS1 with their child as apparently he was picking on this other child but I met with CM to discuss when we learnt of this and she told me that there was no issue beyond the usual childhood messing around and these parents were just overreacting.

Last Jan, CM started to take quite a bit of time off. Odd days for sickness, a family bereavement, but it was mounting up. We are both teachers so can't easily take time off but luckily MIL was retired by this point so helped us out a lot. It transpired that CM was pregnant (she already has 2 older children) and that was the reason for the sickness. Once she was into the second trimester, things improved slightly but she still wasn't what I'd call reliable but it's tough being pregnant and looking after pre-schoolers so guess we accepted it.

She decided to take just one term off on mat leave, stating that money dictated she couldn't take longer and she didn't like having nothing to do. She offered to find a temporary place for the boys with another CM locally, which we were happy to take her recommendation on.

The temporary CM was great with the boys. It took a month or so for DS2 to settle, crying when I left him but after that he loved the new CM and she was much more reliable in the time we used her. She was also much more up on the paperwork side of things and sorted a referral for DS2 to speech therapy. Tbh if it wasn't for DS1 loving our original CM and the temporary CM being a car ride away, not a walk, I think we would have seriously considered staying with her. But with a temporary contract and a sense of loyalty, we returned to our original CM this Jan.

I was worried about the boys getting the attention they needed with a 4 month old baby in the house, I'll be honest. But she's a professional and has a job to do, so tried to push that aside. She made a sensible decision to not provide breakfast or lunch like she did previously and although this means giving the boys breakfast really quite early (they are dropped off at 7.30), I could understand why she was doing it and was happy to provide food obviously.

She has been much more reliable since we returned with no days off yet and aside from only 2 diaries for DS2 in the whole month, he is happy and well cared for. She has verbally mentioned at pick-up that DS2 has been testing but nothing beyond usual toddler stubbornness and tantrums. He's not naughty and I would actually go so far as to say that he is a lot better behaved than DS1 was at this age and she coped with him just fine. However we are now 5 weeks in and things have rapidly taken an unexpected turn for the worst however.

Picked them up last night and she said DS2 had had a really bad day, just kept saying 'no' to her and wouldn't listen, had a few tantrums, one of which had woken her baby. I said I would speak to him and she was happy with this. Or so I thought...

6.30 last night, I received a long text from her basically saying that she didn't think she could cope with DS2 unless his behaviour improved and that she'd been on the verge of tears that afternoon and if things didn't get better she would have no choice but to terminate the contract. I was shocked, angry and upset. Shocked because she hadn't made out it was that bad face to face when I collected. Angry because it felt like she was saying DS2 has behaviour issues, which he doesn't. Upset because I couldn't believe it had got to that point without her raising her concerns.

I couldn't reply as knew I'd be reacting emotionally, so DH thought long & hard and replied with a very unemotional factual response. However it clearly rattled her cage and she sent a few long, ranty text messages back. I told DH to stop the text exchange and request a meeting, which she couldn't offer until Monday evening.

I didn't sleep last night with playing things over in my head... how has it got this bad, is he actullay that bad etc. But then was upset even further this morning when I had an email to say that a diary had been completed on his online report system. It wasn't a diary, it was actually the summative comments on DS2's 2 yr assessment (very overdue). Well, I couldn't believe what I read. They were awful. So negative about him and it just reads like she really dislikes him. She had completed this at 8am this morning! Now, she either thinks we will make a formal complaint against her so is panicking and making sure her paperwork is done (not a strong point, as I've said) or she is trying to build evidence for terminating the contract. I can't decide. But either way, the comments do not match up to earlier observations on his profile and were clearly written in anger.

It was my day off today so thankfully didn't have to face the situation. The boys are not attending tomorrow like they should be, I've actually got my dad taking a day off work and driving for an hour to do the school run and look after DS2. I've told her I think she needs a break from DS2 until we have met and discussed things and decided a plan. She just replied with 'no problem' so I don't think she's bothered at all.

I know she has a small baby and I know how bloody hard a baby and a toddler are. I've been there! But I can't help but get the impression that she is struggling being back at work and instead of being upfront about this, is looking for a reason to get out of the contract without admitting that it's her. Like DS2 is a scapegoat, almost.

IDK. I've driven myself mad with this for the past 24 hours. And now DH won't engage anymore about it as we 'should wait until the meeting'. But I can't do that. It's going over & over in my head.

What do you think? Have I done the right thing keeping them away tomorrow? Would you terminate the contract? Or put some strategies in place and try to work through it? (This would be mainly for DS1's sake as he loves her.)

Any advice greatly appreciated. And thank you for reading my essay! It's done me good to get it down, if nothing else!

 

[Wannabe Mommy]

The way I think of it is, if you're not comfortable with who's looking after your children then change it.

There's things that I'd like to get but dont, like more online diary entries, more advance notice of events and such, with lexi's nursery.

Fundamentally though she's happy, the kids there are always having fun and the carers are sweet and friendly.

If any of those important things weren't there I would move her.

 

[SazzleR]

The way I think of it is, if you're not comfortable with who's looking after your children then change it.

It's this that has made me keep them away tomorrow. I need to see her face to face and discuss it all before I'll allow her to have the boys again. There's a lot of things I want to say before I'd feel comfortable again.

 

[k4th]

I'd be furious with her. 4 month old baby or not, her job is caring for children and she has a duty to ensure that she is able to fulfil her role. My ds goes to nursery as did my dd - but if any staff had issues to raise I would expect them to do it verbally before writing a negative report.

I feel angry for you & if I felt like that about someone I simply wouldn't leave my children with them. It is probably a good idea to wait until the meeting to make your final decision, but it might be worth contacting the other cm to see if she can still take your boys & at short notice in case you are still unhappy next week.

 

[lau86]

You're being much too nice IMO! She has a job to do, she is paid for that job. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable. I would definitely be terminating the contract. Have you thought about a nursery instead? I've always used a nursery because there are multiple staff members that may bond differently with the kids and they are obviously more reliable. Your ds2 is nearly 3 if your ticker is correct so he would be nearly ready for a pre school even
Eta my reply is nearly the same as pp but I didn't even see hers before I wrote mine!

 

[Wannabe Mommy]

I agree about nursery, ours is great and lex gets so many wonderful experiences.

They are only closed for 1 week over Xmas and the bank hOlidays which makes working and planning very easy.

Multiple carers mean she gets to interact with different adults but she has 1 key worker who is point of contact and does all assessments.

Large number of kids mean there's a variety of race, religion, disabilities, personalities which is great.

They do summer trips to the seaside which parents go to, Xmas parties and spend most of the year outside either at the park, going on walks or in the nursery woodland area in th mud kitchen, on the toys or in the sandpit.

 

[Rainbow82]

I'd terminate the contract TBH, could the other childminder you used look after them for you? Could you get in contact with the other childminder anyway even if it is just to ask for her input as to whether there were any behaviour issues etc? It sounds like your current CM isn't coping and is using your DS as a scapegoat as you say and I wouldn't be happy with her looking after him in those circumstances. If that report was written in anger the I'd be worried about her showing that anger towards him.

 

[SazzleR]

If that report was written in anger the I'd be worried about her showing that anger towards him.

I said this to DH but he told me not to read into it too much

DS2 has a place at the school nursery for Sept which is why we ideally need a CM, although I do see the benefits of a nursery.

 

[catty]

Oh what a horrible situation!!
I have a new baby and a 2&3 year old. I know its not the same but i have had times when i have said things in anger to them when iv just got baby to sleep and they have woken her, as she has brought this up as a particular incident id be worried she was expressing that anger to him. I dont think i could put him back there, she has expressed she might have to terminate, shes had days off often and she isnt great at keeping up with paperwork and seems to be pretty angry by the sounds of it.
Could you take some holidays until you get this sorted out?
Mayne asking the other childminder on some input would be a good idea, even just to see if she has some emergency space. Id hate to think my child was being seen as an inconvience all day. Hes acting out for a reason

 

[george83]

I definitely be looking to go elsewhere. Yes she has a little baby and we all know how hard that can be but she has chosen to be a child minder to your children - nobody has made her - and therefore has an equal responsibility to your children too. My mum was a child minder and I frequently remember the child minded children being put before me and my sisters as we as a family relied on their money and my mum wouldn't risk losing it (not that we were neglected or anything).

I personally would go to the meeting and be expecting an explanation from Her but already know that I would be leaving.

 

[SazzleR]

Oh what a horrible situation!!
I have a new baby and a 2&3 year old. I know its not the same but i have had times when i have said things in anger to them when iv just got baby to sleep and they have woken her, as she has brought this up as a particular incident id be worried she was expressing that anger to him. I dont think i could put him back there, she has expressed she might have to terminate, shes had days off often and she isnt great at keeping up with paperwork and seems to be pretty angry by the sounds of it.
Could you take some holidays until you get this sorted out?
Mayne asking the other childminder on some input would be a good idea, even just to see if she has some emergency space. Id hate to think my child was being seen as an inconvience all day. Hes acting out for a reason

The anger thing is my worry. Is she snapping at him? Could she handle him in a rough way one day?
Unfortunately I can't take holiday as I'm a teacher (posting on my lunch break!)

I definitely be looking to go elsewhere. Yes she has a little baby and we all know how hard that can be but she has chosen to be a child minder to your children - nobody has made her - and therefore has an equal responsibility to your children too. My mum was a child minder and I frequently remember the child minded children being put before me and my sisters as we as a family relied on their money and my mum wouldn't risk losing it (not that we were neglected or anything).

I personally would go to the meeting and be expecting an explanation from Her but already know that I would be leaving.

In one of her ranty texts, she mentioned that we don't know what it's like having to put her own children on the back burner and no one realises how hard CMs work. (Well, we do actually! We're both teachers so know exactly what it's like to have to put other kids first and god knows, we work hard too!) But you are spot-on. It was her choice to return to work and take him back. We didn't force her!!

My feelings today are more upset but I am definitely going to the meeting on Monday with the idea to give notice and raise my concerns over her u professionalism and anger in the assessment. I certainly won't be signing the report off!

 

[Rainbow82]

I think you are doing the right thing in looking for alternative childcare, I'm a teacher as well and reliable childcare is essential when it's nearly impossible to take time off. We all know how hard it can be but there's no reason for her angry report and texts, I don't see how she could leave that to the side when dealing with your DS if she doesn't have the professionalism not to have even sent those texts.

 

[weedle]

As someone who has experienced something similar, I'd just pull the children out.

My old childminder was pregnant when we put our eldest in her care, it was all fine at first but then we had bouts of illness which I assumed would stop once baby was born. However, once the baby was born and she went back to work, the care my child received was awful. She didn't change his nappy for 7 hours, he would come home soaking. My son would scream going and run out the door on collection (I didn't think much of it until he started at the new childminder where the complete opposite happened!). Her assessments always seemed scathing and like he was behind (he wasn't) and the final straw was when another child bit my son so hard it broke the skin on his cheek and she turned around and said to me it was his own fault for getting in the other child's face?! He was 2!
Sorry to go on a rant but I'm just trying to show how things escalated over a period of time. Honestly, find another minder! It's not worth the worry, they are your children after all x

 

[weedle]

Oh and to show you something good comes from change, the childminder I found in replacement is amazing. She also looked after my youngest from just 3 months old and has become a valued friend. She is like a 2nd mum to both myself and my children and worth her weight in gold!

 

[SazzleR]

As someone who has experienced something similar, I'd just pull the children out.

Her assessments always seemed scathing and like he was behind (he wasn't) and the final straw was when another child bit my son so hard it broke the skin on his cheek and she turned around and said to me it was his own fault for getting in the other child's face?! He was 2!
Sorry to go on a rant but I'm just trying to show how things escalated over a period of time. Honestly, find another minder! It's not worth the worry, they are your children after all x

Not ranty at all! Thank you for you input and it is good to know things can turn out for the best in switching.

Scathing is how I would describe his report too. She's made him out to very behind in most things. His speech we are aware of, but she's really ranted about his potty training too and although it's slow and a little below average, he is trying. But her report makes out like he just can't be bothered and it's all her doing it. Not true!!

 

[broodymrs]

Agree with the others. I'd switch back to the other childminder and also ask if there are any behavioural concerns. I wouldn't sign that report off either. It sounds like she's gone back to work too soon and can't cope. Which to be fair a 4 month old plus a house full of other children would be challenging but she made that choice.

 

[Beth04]

I also agree with the others. The fact that she complained about your son waking up her baby is a red flag to me. Older kids wake up babies all the time, and surely this is to be expected when she decided to look after your kids again. We have a fantastic child minder. There are many days when one of the kids wakes up the rest, and although I can tell that she is a bit more run down by the time I pick up my son, she would never blame the children. When she chose the job, she took on the responsibility of giving the child under her care the same attention and care as her own. If she can't do that, then she shouldn't be childminding.

 

[SazzleR]

Thank you to everyone for your replies. The meeting is tonight at 7pm so we shall see how it goes. We're definitely going to the meeting with a view to removing them.

I can't lie, although I think I'm doing to right thing removing them for the currentCM, I feel anxious over settling them into somewhere new And having to rely on family & friends (and possibly a couple of days family leave from work) until we have someone new and the boys are settled.

 

[Natasha2605]

How did the meeting go?