Need An Attachment Parent's Point Of View Please!

[Sam292]

Do you ever feel like you are doing it all wrong? Lately I feel like I am constantly doubting myself and my decisions which is confusing for ds and makes dh doubt me too as im not putting across my ideas confidently.

DS is still up frequently (often hourly) at night for feeds and takes his naps on me still. We are mostly co sleeping at night - i actually started doing this after reading up on the benefits of it when he was 4 months old. I have talked to friends and family for advice after feeling like I don't know what I should be doing and they all suggested stopping co sleeping and not to let him nap on me.

A friend suggested shush pat which worked for her baby. The first night it worked fine - no tears and we both got more sleep than usual, but when i tried it for naps he really cried and i couldn't keep it up. I keep trying different things people suggest and i know my chopping and changing is making things hard for lo but I'm finding it hard to follow my instincts when no one in my real life gets it.

We were both really traumatised by the attempted nap yesterday and he refused to sleep more than 30 mins the rest of the day (usually has 3 hours) so was overtired by bedtime and ended up in bed with me. I kept waking up thinking i should put him in his cot - see, still doubting my instincts!!

I could really do with some advice from the other side and would love to have someone I could swap e-mail addresses with so when I am having a parenting issue I could discuss it with someone who gets what i'm trying to do.

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end! x

 

[MissPiggy]

hi hun, we've recently got out of nmy 11month old waking in the night =) more than welcome to message me whenever you would like.

Also i stopped my little on sleeping on me at 8months =)

It sounds like your just a little overwhelmed (like every mum) with the right and wrongs of parenting....there are no right and wrongs. co-sleeping is a great way of sleeping =).

I would try and take half hour breath..maybe sit and look what you would do if you were say, talking to me, about the same problem..i found putting myself in the position of advisor knocked some sense back into me lol xxxx

 

[pinkie77]

I think I know where you're coming from - I feel like any time I say anything my parenting choices are criticised. Eg if I say Phoebe isn't a good napper during the day then that's because I co-sleep/breastfeed/whatever else I do that others don't 'get' and end up constantly justifying myself. Is that what you mean or am I barking up the wrong tree (or possibly just barking lol)

I find now I just try and deflect/change the subject cos I'll never win. I do doubt myself sometimes but then I look at my big kids and see how they've turned out ok! It's probably easier in some ways for me cos I'm single so I can do what I want iykwim.

 

[lovealittle1]

I know exactly how you feel lately I hav constantly been doubting my parenting choices we have coslept since the beginning and LO is up every 1-3 hours at night and the only way I can get him back to sleep is to nurse him. Its so hard. I'm always exhausted. He also wont sleep without me for more than 20 minutes. I'll nurse him to sleep around 7 and try to get a few things done around the house but he wakes up without me there in bed. I get no me time at all. Feel free to pm your email address inwould love an email buddy xxxx

 

[Lightworker]

Hey- I am an attached parent lol and LO naps on me and we co-sleep. Some people seem to think that there is a magical age by which LO needs to achieve independence and sleep on their own. Sleep, like walking, talking etc is different for every baby. I would just let him sleep on your lap for the time being. As they get older, you will find it easier to "put them down" if you want to. X
ETA: PM me if you like

 

[Odd Socks]

i would go with your instincts, do what feels right for you.

i've been told by dozens of people that bella shouldn't need to be rocked to sleep / doesn't need to be worn / is being spoiled / shouldn't wake in the night etc at her age. i do things because i feel they're best for me & my daughter (thankfully my oh is very supportive of ap as well). she can get herself off to sleep, but she sleeps easier, more happily, & better if i rock her to sleep. i wear her because i like her close to me. i feel if she wakes in the night, there's a reason for it. she rarely wakes for milk now, but sometimes she'll wake & need cuddles, or maybe she's had a bad dream?

i parent in a way that comes naturally to me. my daughter is settled, independent, happy. she has her moments where she gets unsettled, she doesn't always want to be doing things herself, & like every baby, she cries. however, i feel that if me being there for her makes her feel better, then it's hardly doing any of us any harm

xx

 

[Lliena]

Come and join us in natural parenting hun, lots more mummies just like you over there xx

 

[Sam292]

Thanks everyone. Its not necessarily the being criticized by people that bothers me, im used to it from certain people and a lot of my friends are accepting of the fact that I do things "a bit differently."

Its just that I dont have all the answers and sometimes need to ask for advice, but the advice I am getting is I guess what you would call mainstream advice. Its well meaning and may actually work but anything that involves crying just doesn't sit right with me. I feel like I'm in limbo if that makes sense?

I also read A LOT and have read some conflicting advice so I just have all these ideas and things I think I should try in my head and keep flitting from one thing to the next. My poor son has ended up as my guinea pig for me to try out my parenting skills on!

 

[MissPiggy]

Thanks everyone. Its not necessarily the being criticized by people that bothers me, im used to it from certain people and a lot of my friends are accepting of the fact that I do things "a bit differently."

Its just that I dont have all the answers and sometimes need to ask for advice, but the advice I am getting is I guess what you would call mainstream advice. Its well meaning and may actually work but anything that involves crying just doesn't sit right with me. I feel like I'm in limbo if that makes sense?

I also read A LOT and have read some conflicting advice so I just have all these ideas and things I think I should try in my head and keep flitting from one thing to the next. My poor son has ended up as my guinea pig for me to try out my parenting skills on!

To be honest chick, alot of mums are like that..i am...Kay has had some much food ideas (i.e puree, finger foods, chunky..then playing around with when he should have it) bless, but you dont know unless you try...

I NEVER let Kayson cry....that probably sounds bad, but other than when i know for a fact its just for attention...i.e im currently replying to you and he's trying to come up...but he moaned for like a minute and has gone off and played....i believe he wouldnt cry for no reason..and as such he really never cries ever!! and i get complimnents on how happy he is...BUT that works for us...however some children you have to let them cry
I wish they all came with a manual when they were born lol!

Mainstream advice does sometimes help, but its forums like this that really are sooo useful!! xxxx

 

[MissPiggy]

p.s i just read that back and it sounded a bit preachy...it didnt mean to be...sorry xx

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

We've never let Ruby cry. We've always brought her into our bed if she was unsettled at night. As a baby she co slept all night until she was happy to sleep next to us in a basket. She's had long phases of refusing to go to sleep without us there, but now she will NOT sleep unless she's alone. Sounds good but it is annoying if we are out at naptime, it used to be great, she would nap on our laps at other peoples houses / at the table in restaurants but not now. It's cot or car!

I used to doubt myself when I was spending so many hours trying to get madam to sleep but not now, not all. Although there is more hard work involved with parenting a toddler, there is a lot of past hard work that OH and I feel is really paying off now.

The issue with mainstream advice for me, is that is comes from a totally different perception of how babies should be. If you start off with the premise that babies should be independent at x age, you are going to feel that a lot of mainstream baby sleep advice makes sense. I don't feel that way so it is kind of irrelevant to me.

 

[BabyGirl999]

I haven't read any of the replies, but I just wanted to say, think about what you actually WANT. Do you want to co-sleep? If yes, then do it. You don't actually need to explain, or justify, this to anyone, just tell them you co-sleep because you want to. Do you want him to nap on you? Just work out what YOU want, and do it. I hope this doesn't sound patronizing or silly!

 

[xnewxmummyx]

Hiya hun,

I didn't want to read and run, but unfortunately I have no advice. Isobelle sleeps in her own bed and only occasionally sleeps on me for naps. When she was younger she would only sleep on me for naps, and even know she wont go in her cot during the day time, either her bouncer or my wonderful couch throw lol!! As soon as she hits that, she is sleeping!!

I am abit unsure as to exactly what an "attached" parent is? I want to say i'm not an "attached" parent, but of course i'm "attached" to my baby lol cos she is my all ... I am guessing it means physically, i.e. co-sleeping, baby wearing etc? Am I right?

I don't do these things but I do not judge anyone who does, its exactly your personal choice and whatever is easiest for you, but I am 100% by your side on the letting them cry. I can't let Isobelle cry, no matter what, I always pick her up (I know I maybe contradiciting what I said in another thread about this the other day where I said I do let her cry, but thats when I know there is nothing wrong, she has different cries lol.) and try and find out whats wrong, especially at bed time.

Also, ever since she was born I have doubted my parenting choices and have always asked someone, even if I know deep down what I want to do. I will post on here in the hope that someone will agree/suggest with what I have suggested, basically for reassurance that I am doing it right. I wish I could be different but I am also like this in every day life. I just cant make a decision on anything. There are a few things since she has been born which I 'regret' i.e. changing formula so often, but I did and I can't change it now.

I even posted on here earlier about when to put Isobelle to bed, 15weeks later!! I knew/know deep down what I want to do but just needed that reassurance I was making the right decision. I know there are no rights and wrongs, but sometimes I feel I am doing it all wrong and this terrifies me...

Sorry I haven't helped much, but your not alone with how you feel..

xxx

 

[Sam292]

I haven't read any of the replies, but I just wanted to say, think about what you actually WANT. Do you want to co-sleep? If yes, then do it. You don't actually need to explain, or justify, this to anyone, just tell them you co-sleep because you want to. Do you want him to nap on you? Just work out what YOU want, and do it. I hope this doesn't sound patronizing or silly!

I think the problem is I'm so totally fickle and never know my own mind! I seem to be easily swayed when people suggest advice but then when I'm on my own I think "this doesn't feel right." Deep down I know whats best for him as xnewxmummyx said and I should just listen to my instincts. xx

 

[xnewxmummyx]

I think the problem is I'm so totally fickle and never know my own mind! I seem to be easily swayed when people suggest advice but then when I'm on my own I think "this doesn't feel right." Deep down I know whats best for him as xnewxmummyx said and I should just listen to my instincts. xx[/QUOTE]

I am exactly the same hun. Not just with LO, but throughout my whole life I have been like it.

Hope ur feeling better soon



xx

 

[Sam292]

Lol! Me too! Whats wrong with us??