need help with DH

[Waterfaerie]

Ok. I have done my day 3 blood work and my HSG just like the Dr requested. The Dr also requested that DH do a SA. He is dragging his heels and coming up with every excuse in the book to stall. He is convinced that the reason that we haven't gotten a BFP yet is his fault and when I find out for certain that it is him that I am going to leave him. No matter how I reassure him he is still very insecure about this. He also claims that he is embarrassed to hand his sample over. This weekend his new excuse is that his GI tract is acting up and wants to wait for it to get better. He has Celiac and his nerves often manifest themselves in his gut if he is worried about some thing. So I am wondering if this isn't a convenient stalling method. If he is scared I get that. He knows I was scared about the HSG. He spent a week trying to cheer me up and get me to laugh. I get how stressful this is.

I need some advice how to encourage him to make his appointment. I want to do so with out having to get demanding with him. I don't feel like a very good person when I get that way. Don't get me wrong if it comes to it I will get demanding but I save that for last resorts. This should be a joint effort. I want him to meet me half way. Or should I say come and do his quarter. Since the girls always have the brunt of the responsibility.

Thanks so much!!

 

[Allie84]

It's tough because he seems so worried...and it might be for nothing! Maybe point out that whether his SA is good or bad, you're going to need to know at some point...and stalling won't change the outcome. It will be best to know. It might not even be bad, and if that's the case he will be able to feel relieved. I dunno...it is a toughie. I just didn't want to read and run. Good luck!

 

[glowingjo]

Wish I could help as well, just *hugs* and FX'd you can convince him shortly

 

[CLH_X3]

My OH has also said the same things about me leaving him if we find out its all him and its something thats hard to fix, like you I said i wouldnt and hes being silly... but i guess theres something in the back of his brain that you just cant get through to...

me and my OH are going to the docs tonight for him to ask for a SA, this is a big step for him, it feels like its the first time hes kind of acknowledging we may actually have a problem!

what il do to make sure he does go through with it is be with him every step of the way! .. so Im going to the doctors tonight with him and then when we have to pick up the cup il do it for him and when he atually has to 'do it' in the cut il make sure im home that day with him as well....

The key is with my OH is to make it sound like its not big deal and gentley persaude him... we have also made a deal.. he will go to the docs and i will do something for him of his choice! ... seems fair as he doesnt really want to go ...

 

[DarlingMe]

I have seen patients drop their SA at all sorts of times directly to the lab in the hospital so I am not sure if you can do this at home or have to in the office.

Waterfaerie maybe you can surprise him with a nice lacy outfit and some candles and your imagination . Then catch it in a cup ever so romantically . Then bring it in for him. No embarassment of handing it over and if his GI acts up he is at home.

I am sure he wants to do this but it sounds like he is definately having a hard time dealing with the whole feeling like he has failed as a man thing (as it seems most men feek that way). But let him know if he worried about it and there is something wrong you need to know so they can try and correct it! He is disapointing you more so by doing nothing about it! Atleast if you know whats going on you can move on with a plan!

 

[beautiful_day]

hello,

Similar situation for me at the moment. Just a word on the other advice here - it probably works differently in different places but we were told he had to go to the clinic here, we can't do it at home, which would have been far easier to "persuade" him to do it!

Another warning - It was a struggle to get him to the doctor to ask for the prescription, after that it took another while to get him through the door of the clinic....and he was told that he had to have 4 days of abstinence before testing. He also has to have an empty stomach because he is getting some blood tests done too.

That was a month ago and since there have been many excuses not to go.

He won't say it but I think he is worried that there will be a problem and then it will be his fault and I will want go to someone else.

My approach is not to make too big a deal of it but just to tell him that this is the next step in finding out why we have not concieved, that I have had tests too, and that the investigations can't go any further until he does this. Tell him that this is the only test for him, whiel you may have more in the pipeline. OK that is a guilt trip but sometimes it is worth pointing that out!

 

[keyahopes]

I'm glad you posted this. I am very interested in the replies. I am yet to meet the doctor, but I am sure she will ask DH for an SA sample. I worry more about the SA sample than my own possible HSG. Weird isn't it?
I guess these things are huge male ego issues. But nothing can be done in terms of fertility treatments without knowing exactly where the problem lies.

So hard right? Sorry, I don't have a good answer, but I understand what you are going thru.

 

[keyahopes]

By the way, I loveee your artwork!!

 

[victorial8]

Why dont you let him read this thread. He can then read exactly how you are feeling about it and maybe some of the women here, (or there may be another thread somewhere) could get their OHs that have been through it to write down what it was like for them. That way he may see that in the end it isnt as scary as he maybe thinks.

I think seeing some mens opinions on this may also help a lot of the women on here and we would see things from the other side more as its mainly women that are on this forum.

Anyway, enough of my rambling, good luck and ill keep my FXd for you x x x

 

[Scamp]

Hey hun,
I had to get my o.h to do his sa. Found out that his main worry was the results coming back bad. I told him that no matter what I love him and if they came back bad, then we'd sort it. After he'd heard that he was okay.

I also think saying you'll do all the, erm, work lol. He can lie back and it wont be such a big deal to him
xx

 

[LaRockera]

Hi hon.

My husband did an SA only a week ago. To be honest, I was the nervous one and probably tore his nerves to shreds. He was relaxed and confident (or at least seemed to be for my sake?) The clinic told us that we could either go there, or do it at home but the results had to be brought within thirty minutes. We didn't want to risk it, so we went to the clinic. It actually took him a surprisingly short time to produce the sample .

Results came back overall okay, but because he had a couple of them just about on the reference values, we took them to a urologist. He suggested that DH had an X-ray to see if there was a varicocele issue, which is the main cause of all male infertility problems, affects 85% of men today, and can be easily fixed with an one-day operation.

In other words, even if there is something to be fixed there, you will certainly fix it. This is a journey for two, and you will be there for him just like he would be there for you if something was not quite right. An SA could possibly save you a lot of time and bring you a step closer to your goal: a .

Good luck, and remember, it will all go well. Thousands of couples undergo similar situations. Most important thing is you've got each other.

 

[Waterfaerie]

I have told him so many of those things. we live 10 minutes away from the clinic so we can have it there no problem. Maybe I will try offering to drop it off for him. What do I care they know it isn't mine. I will walk it in there proudly. Look what I got guys!

My sister drove me to the HSG. Mostly because he was being such a baby because of the SA. I couldn't deal with that and my nerves of the HSG at the same time. Plus his nerves about my pain level. He gets more squeamish about thinking of me hurting than I do. I wonder if he will be able to handle a birth. I guess that day I needed girl power.

Now that I got mine past me I can deal with him a little better. In hindsight I should have had him take me because he would have been sitting there and the clinic and wouldn't have had any thing else to do while I was back doing the HSG so he could have made the appointment. But I am a little afraid that I alienated him. But he admits he doesn't understand what I am going through, he also doesn't try because he feels helpless.

We have been over the I am not going any where if it is him, and we are still working on the insecurities. I have explained over and over I am with HIM even if we can never have kids naturally on our own. The point is I want to build a family with HIM there are many alternatives. We will cross that road but we need to know where we stand. At this point he has had the Rx for the SA for a little over 2 weeks. When I told him that I got the Day 3 test results back and they are all good He brought it up himself that he needs to make the appointment for the SA as soon as he feels better. I am taking that as a positive sign. I am giving it a rest for a few days. When I get the HSG results back I will tell him and use that as a segway to coaxing him to make his appointment. He plans on creating his sample at home. He says he is afraid of hidden cameras at the clinic. I will offer to deliver it for him as an incentive.

Thanks girls for all your support. As always I feel much better knowing that I am not the only one facing these challenges.

 

[lisaf]

I just wanted to share that my DH was surprisingly upbeat about his. I discovered why when I told him that our insurance wouldn't pay for it since it was for infertility. He corrected me and told me its not an infertility test because he is FERTILE... its a fertility test so he can prove how fertile he is!

So... if you can persuade you man that its a competitive thing... prove how great his swimmers are etc... maybe he can work his mind around to thinking of it that way?

Also helps to treat it as a 'of course you're fine, we just have to rule you out' kind of thing.

My DH was willing to go back for another one... he made some lifestyle change and wanted to see the improvement even though his first was fine, He totally saw it as some kind of competition or something....

 

[Waterfaerie]

Lisa I love the way your DH looked at the SA.

I am glad I started this thread. It seems to be one that needed to be discussed.