Need some advice..

[HMBond90]

Hi, i'm new to the forum, and thought this may be a good place to post my question.

I'm engaged, we're going to be married this year, and everything seems great except one big thing. I REALLY want kids, but he doesn't. Has anyone ever had this issue? Have they changed their minds later on, or did it effect your relationship?

Someone told me to purposely try to get pregnant by ruining the condoms and stuff, but that just seems wrong... I don't want to ruin our relationship by doing something like that. He never said he'd leave me if i ever got pregnant, but sometimes things happen.

I love him a lot. He means everything to me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him... But for me, that also means having a little one running around too.

 

[silverbell]

I personally wouldn't have married my husband had he said he never wanted children. As much as I love him, it's something I feel strongly about and I would want children of my own one day. Thankfully he said that although he wasn't ready at that stage, he knew he always wanted them one day.

I know a couple who have just divorced because she thought he would change his mind about having kids and he hasn't and won't.

Please don't sabotage condoms or 'forget' pills. This is wrong on so many levels, as I'm sure you realise.

You need to decide if you can live with the fact that he may well never change his mind and will never want children and how this will affect your future relationship/lives.

 

[MrsBandEgglet]

As previously said you need to be sure your OH will change his mind about the issue of children once you're married. Obviously you can never be sure of this so I think you need to go into this marriage with your eyes wide open. Do you love him enough to sacrifice your chance of ever having a family? Are you prepared to give that up for him? Only you know the answers to these questions and you have to base your decision on those answers. Essentially you have to decide your future on the answers to those kind of questions. I know for sure I wouldn't have been able to marry my hubby if he told me he didn't want kids. My marriage would have been forever tainted with the disappointment of him not wanting a family with me. I'm sorry you're having to make decisions like this hun. I'm sure you and your OH have a fantastic relationship and are very happy together but this is an issue that won't just go away. I'm a firm believer that when you want a baby, that instinct can't be dismissed because you'll never stop wanting one. All the best hun. xx

 

[lovehearts]

If my OH told me he never wanted children then i think i would have to leave him. I love him with all my heart - he is my whole world but the bond you have with a child - that unconditional love is something i would never want to go without. I have always wanted a family of my own and i dont think id ever feel complete without it.
If you really think your oh will never change his mind then i guess you have to decide which you want more? Maybe one day he will change his mind but can you wait forever for something that may never happen?

 

[Eternal]

Awwww hun thats so hard ... Do you know the reason he doesnt want kids? I really feel you need to decide that. I think its unfair to marry him hoping he will change his mind or with the intention of getting pregnant.

It come down to can you be happy without children and what are his reasons.

It might be fear, and if that's the case that's something you can work with, if you generally doesnt want kids and you really do then I am afraid you will have to make a decision if you are really right for each other.

Kids put new pressures on a married and if he really doesn't want them and you get pregnant and have them anyway then it could cause major problems.

Good luck hun xxx

 

[xsophiexleax]

What a horrible dilemma!
You'll have to have a long hard think about whether marrying your husband but never having children is worth it. It's a big sacrifice to make.
As much as you love him now, think a few years down the line if you're still childless and he still is adament not to have them.. it's not worth being miserable for.
Try having a talk with him about his reasons for not wanting a child and see if these reasons are something you can work with to try and get him to come around.
Hope everything works out sweet, big hugs x

 

[kintenda]

I agree with the rest of the ladies. I would, however, respectfully ask how old your H2B is? Perhaps if he's a bit 'young', using the term loosely, he might not feel that he wants children just yet but perhaps his viewpoint will change with time! However, I def agree that you should consider all the factors carefully before you marry - again, like the other girls said, are you willing to give up on ever having kids if he doesn't change his mind?
It's a horrid situation, and I do feel for you chick. Hope it goes well.

 

[amyclaire]

agreement with the above. men mature so much slower than women even if he is mature in every other way. is there something else he is really focussing on in his life at the moment? his career? or maybe he is focussing his life with you and just finds it difficult to see too far into the future when he is happy with the way things are with you. you know him better than anyone - does he ever glance at children or babies when you're out?
don't worry, even though i know my oh wants kids, the amount of times he changes his mind about things is ridiculous.
i hope you get sorted soon
xxxx

 

[HMBond90]

We're both young, I'm 19 turning 20, and he's 22 turning 23.

I don't want kids RIGHT this moment. And some may say i'm even too young to get married.
Both he and his sister never wanted kids, and she now has 2, and loves them.
He told me once that he's worried about passing any of his genetic problems down to them (mental illness), which yes is understandable, but they're on both sides. Its not 100% that they would get anything from either side, but he still worries about that. and he just doesn't want kids. He's never had any ambition to have them.

I'm not sure if he'd ever change his mind or not. He's done a complete 180 since i first met him, and he's a different man. More mature than others i've met his age in some areas, not all. I don't know if theres anything else running through his mind that could be the reason why he wants kids.

Thanks for everyone's replies . It helps to be able to talk to people.

 

[purple_turtle]

my sister also said while we were growing up that she never wanted kids - now she's planning to start TTC later this year. So yes, some people do change their minds. But plenty don't - like everyone else has said, you need to figure out whether you're happy to live without children if he never changes his mind, or whether this is a deal-breaker for you. You are both still young, and I don't mean that at all patronizingly! age is irrelevant for marriage & families, IMHO - your personality & character is what counts. But that could be part of the reason why he doesn't feel he wants kids. It's something that might maybe change as he gets older. But, again, it might not. it sucks for you that you're in this position. Could you maybe give it a little while, a year or two, and have the talk again?* Maybe if he doesn't change his mind in the near-ish future, you might then think about whether or not to stay in the relationship? Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

*just to clarify, I'm not suggesting for a moment that you give him an ultimatum ("Decide you want kids by 2012 or I'm off!") as that wouldn't be fair. But maybe agree not to make a decision for a little while so he has time to think about it without feeling pressured?

 

[calliebaby]

My husband didn't really want kids when we first got together. When we got engaged, we had a serious conversation. I told him that I love him with all of my heart and while I feel that he is my soul mate, I cannot marry someone who does not share the same desire as me to have children someday. My DH agreed that he loved me enough to fulfill my dreams of having a little family someday when it was a good time for the both of us. We have now been married going on 5 years and have just started to ttc.
I wish you the best in however the situation turns out.

 

[Tigerlily01]

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[Tigerlily01]

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[HMBond90]

@purple_turtle Thanks for the advice. I don't want to tell him that i'm not going to marry him because he has kids, because everyone can change. I want to see if later on he'll change his mind on things. He's really great with kids! My niece and nephew really like him, and called him uncle jeff even before we got engaged.

@tigerlily01 My mom has brought it up because she knows how bad i want kids, but also knows how he feels. I thought about it, but i'm not sure how to ask him about it when the times right.