Need some advise please (sensitive issue)

[BabyBennett]

Hi

I'm really sorry to post here but I have no idea who else could help. My step sister and I used to be really close, even going on holiday together. I know she's been LTTC but we have never really spoken about it, I always felt that I should wait for her to start any discussions about this. I was over the moon for her when she announced she was 6 weeks pregnant in October, we delayed our announcement to the family for a month as I didn't want to take away the moment (I was 2 weeks ahead).

She really was so excited, they told everyone and announced it everywhere & we started chatting loads more about the pregnancies. At 14 weeks she very sadly lost the baby & was obviously devastated. She didn't tell me - her mum did. I sent a text saying how sorry I was & if she needed anything to let me know but she hasn't spoken to me since. At Christmas I didn't once talk about our baby and neither did anyone else but she literally ignored me the whole time.

How do I try and approach her or should I just leave her alone? I know they're going to start trying again now but I'm worried that anything I say will be wrong. I want to let her know that I'm always there for her but will she just see that as being patronising?

Any advise would really be appreciated.

 

[Dazed]

I'm sorry your being ignored when all you have are the best intentions.

I would leave it alone. Its hard enough to LTTTC, but to then finally concieve and then lose it is the bottom of the TTC barrel. I can speak from experiance that I'm sure your heartfelt condolences are being heard. Anything can set you off after a loss and seeing you may be reminding her of what she should have. Its nothing personal to you (or it shouldn't be). Just lend support if she should ask for it. Also, if she avoids you after the baby is born, it still has nothing to do with you as a person... just another painful reminder of what she had to endure and what she should have.

 

[lovie]

Oh your poor step sister

it soudns like you are a lovely step sister and you really care for her... its a hard situation because alltho im sure you wish there was something you can do to make her feel better/support her she probably feels awfull seeing your tummy grow. I havnt experienced a loss myself but even so it was hard finding out my best friend was expecting this summer, I didn't for one second wish away her baby or resent her but it made me feel like i wasnt good enough and i did avoid her a little, that made me feel even worse that i wasnt able to give her the support she needed.

I'd say that if you do want to reach out to her maybe write her a letter... that way its still personal (email and facebook seem so inpersonal) maybe tell her that your thinking of her and you wish there was something that you could do, but you understand that nothing can take away the pain she is feeling and your pregnancy is a reminder of her loss and you will allways be there for her and do the best for her, and if the best for her right now is to stay away then that is what you will do, but let her know it wont change anything you will love her the same and when she feels ready you will be there for her. tell her you dont expect or need a reply.

All the best with your pregnancy, I hope your step sister gets a bfp and a healthy pregnancy really soon

 

[w2bpg]

You are in a tough situation. Although I am sorry she is ignoring you, I hate to admit that I would have a hard time not doing the same. My sister-in-law who I am close with is pregnant with her third and we are still trying for #1. I often find it difficult to be around her because while I am happy she is pregnant with my nephew, it makes me sad the we are still not pregnant. I would imagine that your step sister is feeling some of these emotions as well. I would give her time, and support her from affar if that is what she wants. She probably feels guilty for ignoring you if you all were close, but finds it hard to see your belly grow. Even if you aren't saying anything about the baby she is still reminded. Its a tough, but your concern will show through. Good luck!

 

[NellyVille]

As the other ladies said, it's nothing personal. Just the sight of you will remind her that you're pregnant and she isn't. My advice is just to make she knows you're always there for her and that you understand why she's behaving the way she is. She'll come round eventually xx

 

[cooch]

Leave her alone!!!!

She is in an incredibly bad place. She does not blame you in any way but she can't deal with your joy as her grief will be sooo hard to bear. I hope she's getting counseling because I can't even imagine the pain and torture.

Your a lovely person for being understanding of her situation and at some point she will be happy for you, but she has to get there herself. I agree with the person who said to write a letter. After that I would stay well clear, she needs the time.

I didn't have as bad an experience, thank God, but I deleted SIL from FB after the announcement of her 'accident'. I eventually sent her an email and got a lovely reply. What I kept hold of was that no one tried to contact me, I kinda thought one of my SIL's would have sent me a message saying I was in their thoughts (that would have been enough) but nothing!!! I have had nothing since either, ha!

She is now due and I'm an emotional wreck. So even if she starts to have some contact, don't be surprised if she backs off again. Its the situation, NOT you.
~

 

[cooch]

* Double Post

 

[Armywife84]

Might I just say how comforting it is to hear that a pregnant woman cares about a LTTCer's feelings and gives them well wishes. Too often a LTTCer's feelings are shafted, no one seems to give us the respect or compassion we deserve. So thank you, for considering her feelings.

To be honest, you're the last person she would want to talk to her miscarriage about. No offense, but I'm guessing it didn't take you long to conceive and you're still pregnant. It's a hurtful reminder every time she sees you of what she just had (took forever to get) and lost. Of course it's nothing personal against you or your baby..it's just that she's struggling with her own personal demons.

I'd leave her alone to grieve. She knows that you're sympathetic and will be there for her in a flash, but she'll come to/contact you if she wants to talk.

 

[BabyBennett]

Thank you so much for your answers, I have to be honest & say I was completely at a loss with how to approach her, if at all. I will definitely write her a letter, I hadn't even thought of that. As hard as it is to hear, I know you're right that I'm the last person she'd want to see or speak to about the situation.

Thank you for being honest with your replies. Once I've sent the letter I'm going to back off completely. As long as she knows I'm here for her I guess there's nothing more I can do.

I wish all you ladies the best