Need some encouragement

[LGRJWR]

Haven't been on here in a while the last few months have been very difficult and hard. I was already dealing with infertility as a constant battle and then on May 4th my 17 year old sister who was 10 years younger than me committed suicide. My life has forever been changed and between this struggle and infertility it has really taken a toll on me. I have so many different emotions running through me it is so overwhelming. My sister would always ask me everytime we spoke are you pregnant yet? She knew how badly I wanted it and she was super excited at the possibility of being an Aunt. I feel so guilty that I wasn't able to provide her with that happiness before she lost all hope. However, I am trying to stay positive about the situation but its hard when all I can think about is that she will never have children and she wanted 6. I feel pressured to become pregnant now more than ever because I feel it would help my parents to give them a piece of happiness that they are missing. I have a check up this Friday to see what the next step is since having the lap in March. I am thinking clomid is not my drug this month was my 9th cycle of it. I am praying that something happens soon because I feel it would help me and my family even though it will not replace my sister. Sorry for the long post but just needed to vent.

 

[Hopeful4num1]

Lots and lots of hugs!! I feel your pain hun! I lost my brother 3 years ago as of April 29. It literally turned my world upside down. And I know exactly what you mean about all the different emotions running through you. It was VERY overwhelming! My brother was 5 years younger than me (22 when he passed). He was my only sibling and he would always tell my mom how he wanted tons of kids too (like your sister). I hadn't even thought of having kids yet when he passed, even though I was older, I just wasn't ready. However, I changed after his death and immediately I wanted to start a family more than anything! Two years later I finally married my hubby and I had him talked into being ready to start trying for a little one. Sadly we have been trying for 11 months now and nothing - stark white s every month
I completely sympathize with you in wanting to give your parents a grandkid, hoping it will help your family. It just doesn't seem fair to have to go through this much pain, does it?!
I sincerely wish you lots and lots of baby dust and hope you get your precious soon! Good luck at the doctor appt. and please don't hesitate to message me if you ever need to talk
P.S. The pain does get more bearable. It never goes away and I still break down here and there but it has gotten better. The first year is the hardest for sure.

 

[LGRJWR]

Thanks for the encouragement Hopeful4num1! He really does help knowing that there are other people out there that can understand what I am going through without thinking I'm crazy. I just want something to be happy about so badly because lately everything is just so depressing. The grief process is very vicious because one moment I think I am okay and the next moment I'm not. I have never lost a child or had a miscarriage but I think this is what the pain feels like because I was 10 years older so I was the one always looking after my sister and taking care of her when my parents worked. I feel like I have lost a child/sister and it helps me to undestand the pain people are going through that have. Thanks again for listening!