Need some major, honest advice...

[Schraderswife]

I aplogize from the bottom of my heart to be posting on here but I need an honest opinion. There were four of us cousins pregnant at the same time. I just found out that one of my favorite cousins lost her baby yesterday. She started to run a really high fever and hadn't felt her baby move so she went to the ER. They did an ultrasound and told her that her baby had died; she was 27 weeks. They induced her and she had to endure 17 hours of labor to deliver her daughter. She is understandably pissed at the world right now. She refuses to talk to anyone and starts to scream and curse at anyone who tries. My sister went through a very similar experience with twin boys at 22 weeks so she can relate very well to what she is going through. My question is, the funeral. I want to go and show her how much I love her and pay my respects. I want her to know that I understand this was her child, not just "a miscarriage" like so many people call it. But I am scared me being pregnant is going to be nothing more than a slap in her face and she will be angry with me for showing up. I was pregnant with my oldest son when my sister lost her twins and because we were so close, she very frankly told me, "I cannot be happy for you when I didn't deserve to lose my babies." I can't say I don't understand that and just want to do what is right. What IS right? Do I send her a card and flowers and stay away? Or do I go and hope she doesn't go off on me with all of the anger and resentment she has right now? Please be honest ladies!!! Thank you so much!!

 

[blav]

Wish I had some advice, but I really have no idea what you should do...just didn't want to read and run. Good luck!

 

[OliveBay]

Oh, what a sad thing to have happened to your family again. This really is a tricky situation and i'm not sure i know what to advise. Your family might be the best people to help you decide what to do since they know you both. The fact that you are so concerned about your cousin and aware how how hard this is for her show that you really care for her. I'm sure you'll come to a.decision that feels appropriate for you. Even if you decide not to go, i'm sure she'll appreciate knowing that you are thinking about her and her precious daughter

 

[Mammatotwo]

I hope you do not mind me responding. I have not had a late loss but have had 2 losses. My experience comes from loosing my brother (he was 8). My mum always remembers people staying away from her even going so far as crossing the road to avoid her so they did not have to see her pain or did not know what to say.
I say go there. Show that you are there for her. Go up give her a hug and tell her you are sorry for her incredible loss and you are there if and when she is ready to talk. Then quietly give her the space she needs. That space may include not seeing you for awhile.
I found when I had my loss all I got from my sil was nothing (she was 2 months ahead of me) and went on how now she was worrying about her baby.
Please go, even if you do not go up to her, at least by going when she is ready she knows you are there to support her. Just be prepared that she may avoid you for her own sanity, even while appreciating that you are there.

 

[Andypanda6570]

This is really a tough one . I am so deeply sorry this is happening to your cousin. I am also very sorry for your losses
I don't know what to advise either/ I just know for me when I lost my Ava I could not be around a pregnant woman including my SIL. I found out I was pregnant and my SIL got pregnant 8 weeks later, which I was not thrilled with. I was 40 and got pregnant by total accident and she was supposedly done have kids till my news reached her and before you know it she was pregnant also.
Then I lost Ava and I was devastated and told my husband I can't see your sister I cannot go to her baby shower or baptism or anything and of course nobody understood. Well 7 weeks after I lost Ava she lost her baby I was devastated for her. I just know for me at the time I could not be around babies or pregnant women and I don't know about your cousin . I would be scared going, but that is me. Now 11 months later I am ok with it, but it has taken a long time. I remember seeing a total stranger in a store who was pregnant and I started hysterical crying, it was awful. I would never and did never wish anyone else to go through this ever, but I just could not be happy for anyone else at the time. Your cousin is going through the anger stage of this long road of grief, I went through it also and the anger stage does not last to long ( thank God) the worst is the constant crying and total emptiness and sadness, that lasts till you are finally at your stage of acceptance.
It is not that I wanted people to stay away, they sent cards and flowers and i appreciated that but I didn't want to see anyone and I didn't see anyone for 3 months. When I felt ready I slowly started to see people, slowly. You love your cousin and she knows that, but she is in a lot of pain right now and may do things she would not normally do, she is in so much sadness right now
I just know how I felt is all i am trying to say, I don't know how she is going to react to you, it is a reminder of what she lost. You are a good person and a caring person I am just trying to be honest with you about MY feelings, ultimately it is really up to you. I wish you all the best. Thank you for posting and asking, your a great cousin ..XOXOXOOX

 

[due3may12]

hey hun! im so so sorry for your families loss! my cousins were preg this year too! one just had a boy, another in april and the other is due to days before i was due and we were all havin boys! i lost my baby at 18 weeks! my funeral for my boy was imediate family only but i know before and after i had kevin they didnt avoid me! and i appreciated it! i wouldnt have liked if they avoided me! dont get me wrong i wont be the first one to the door to see their babies cz i wont be able to!
but anyway what im gettin to is that you shouldnt avoid her as this could make her feel worse esp if ye are close! just send her a message telling her you are planning on goin to funeral cz you love her and want to support her but if she doesnt feel like she'll be up to seeing her preg cousins that you'll understand and you'll be there wen she's ready!

hope all goes ok!
all my love to your family!
Karen!
xxx

 

[amanda83]

I"m so sorry for your cousins loss.
I lost my baby in October and 4 weeks later my best friend and the one person who I openly spoke and cried about my loss with told me she was 4 weeks pregnant. She was bauling when she told me, she knew how I felt about being around pregnant women while I had just lost the baby I tried 14 months to conceive. I've been around her a few times since she told me, it's killing her and me not to see each other, yet it just gets more and more painful as she gets bigger. I'm at the point now it's hurting me more and more as she gets bigger and bigger. I almost think you could just call your cousin and ask how she is doing and if she needs anything, send her some flowers, etc. If she wants you to come for a visit than do it. But being in her shoes and seeing pregnant women ecpecially those you love the most hurts. It's hard to see women carrying a baby knowing that you should be experiencing the same happiness, life is really not fair sometimes. Best of luck.

 

[SabrinaKat]

I agree with due3, perhaps a card first and then, a phone call to her OH to see if she doesn't mind you attending the funeral, maybe even some flowers?

Like Mamatotwo, my SIL was also pregnant when I had my mc and I never heard a thing from her (she also scheduled the christening for her child the week I was due - we didn't go, my huisband took me away for a long weekend!), but a card would have been so appreciated!

best wishes

 

[Schraderswife]

Thank you so much ladies, my sister agrees with you girls, me staying home is porbably for the best. But I just got a phone call a few minutes ago that because the baby was so tiny, (a lot tinier than she was supposed to be d/t the placenta not developing properly) they ended up having her cremated and they aren't going to do a service. Honestly, we have a very very large family and I think she didn't want to have to face everyone when she honestly shouldn't have to. Thanks so much for all of your honesty. I appreciate it and hope for all the very best for all you ladies!!!!

 

[FngrsCrossed]

I aplogize from the bottom of my heart to be posting on here but I need an honest opinion. There were four of us cousins pregnant at the same time. I just found out that one of my favorite cousins lost her baby yesterday. She started to run a really high fever and hadn't felt her baby move so she went to the ER. They did an ultrasound and told her that her baby had died; she was 27 weeks. They induced her and she had to endure 17 hours of labor to deliver her daughter. She is understandably pissed at the world right now. She refuses to talk to anyone and starts to scream and curse at anyone who tries. My sister went through a very similar experience with twin boys at 22 weeks so she can relate very well to what she is going through. My question is, the funeral. I want to go and show her how much I love her and pay my respects. I want her to know that I understand this was her child, not just "a miscarriage" like so many people call it. But I am scared me being pregnant is going to be nothing more than a slap in her face and she will be angry with me for showing up. I was pregnant with my oldest son when my sister lost her twins and because we were so close, she very frankly told me, "I cannot be happy for you when I didn't deserve to lose my babies." I can't say I don't understand that and just want to do what is right. What IS right? Do I send her a card and flowers and stay away? Or do I go and hope she doesn't go off on me with all of the anger and resentment she has right now? Please be honest ladies!!! Thank you so much!!

Oh my, what a pickle. I am so sorry she lost her baby. I remember feeling that feeling that your sister had. It's an uncontrollable little jealousy.

I think you should go and pay your respects, and honor her baby. Just make sure you make everything about her. Don't even allow talks of your pregnancy to go on with anyone who may ask about it. You can always gently remind them that it isn't the time nor place to discuss your pregnancy and remind them to give that extra attention to your cousin.

You have no reason to feel bad about being pregnant. It's tragic that she lost her baby. But there is no reason for you to feel unwelcome. A true cousin that loves you won't make you feel bad about that. Send word or a card to her that you are thinking of her and you want to be there for her, let her know you know how she feels and would like to be a source of comfort.

When things calm down and the arrangements are made, trust and believe she will remember everyone that was there for her and who was at the service. Don't stop yourself from going to the service. You are not going to gloat you are going to be there for her and dh...And you are a wonderful cousin. Heck mine didn't even show up although she said she would. :/

 

[FngrsCrossed]

Thank you so much ladies, my sister agrees with you girls, me staying home is porbably for the best. But I just got a phone call a few minutes ago that because the baby was so tiny, (a lot tinier than she was supposed to be d/t the placenta not developing properly) they ended up having her cremated and they aren't going to do a service. Honestly, we have a very very large family and I think she didn't want to have to face everyone when she honestly shouldn't have to. Thanks so much for all of your honesty. I appreciate it and hope for all the very best for all you ladies!!!!

Replied before I saw this....

 

[Bride2b]

I'm sorry too for everthing your family has been through. My advice;

Send her a card & flowers, a text message to say your thinking of her. Leave it a few days and check in with her again via a text. This way you are showing support but not getting in her face. Its the hardest thing in the world to see someone else pregnant. There is a lady at work a few weeks behind me who is pregnant & I am dreading going to work and seeing her as its just a cruel reminder of how I should be pregnant with a bump.

I thought I'd respond to you as my cousins baby is due 2 weeks after when mine should have been born, so I have the perspective of your cousin on this one. Myself and my cousin are really close - she live in Australia though so I cant physically see her. She send me text messages & flowers, then we skyped a couple of weeks after (I think it was before we had the funeral - which we didnt have until almost 4 weeks after I lost my baby). I have to say I was fixated on her bump, she didnt talk much about her pregnancy unless I asked. I had told her that I didnt want her to hide her pregnancy from me, as I know how special expecting a baby is, I also know that she wouldnt do anything to upset me.

I know she has had the cremation, but for me I didnt want anyone else at the service as nobody knew my baby & he was ours. That might sound funny. In the end I felt really awful about shutting my mum out & we allowed my mum, his mum & our sisters. Its a very personal choice about who should go to the funeral of a baby, as although family are excited about the arrival, there is no connection with the baby & no 'life' experiences & memories to share. I felt like our families were strangers to our LO. I probably make no sense.

I hope you have got some advice from here though. I just wanted to wish you a H&H 9 months xxx

 

[jojo23]

hey hun. i think this is a tricky subject but if it was me in your situation i think i would stay away but i would make sure to send a card or some flowers and explain that your so deeply sorry for her loss and you're there for her whenever she needs you but you thought it best to give her some space to grieve

or maybe speak to her husband/boyfriend and see what he thinks, it may be that she needs you around regardless of you being pregnant!

there are some wonderful websites that you can get some amazing cards and gifts from hun if you wanted to get something personal

one is www.alexandrasangelgifts.co.uk
and www.labelledame.com

i got some beautiful things from these websites when i lost my little girl and they bring me great comfort still today!

i hope your cousin will be ok and we're always here if you want to point her in our direction hun xxxxxxxx

 

[jojo23]

replied before i saw they had no service sorry hun! x

 

[Schraderswife]

Just an update, since they didn't have a service, I have called and texted April, (my cousin) and we have had several good chats. She has admitted she isn't ready to see me, which I am totally okay with but I know she knows how much I am thinking of her and little Elise. Thanks so much for the advice ladies!!!