Need to get things off my chest - feeling terrible.

[First.timer]

Ive only just found this area of the site?!

I dont want to ramble on for ages but i just really need some support, im in a horrible situation which i have no one to blame for but myself but its just becoming unbarable and i am going out on a limb to see if anyone can relate.

I knowingly had an affair with someone elses husband for just over a year.

he didnt have any children and i put a stop to it after it became clear he wasnt going to change his circumstances. During that time i fell pregnant and had an abortion, as much as i dont like to think it - i know deep down it was for him not me. we saw nothing of eachother for a few months and one day in november ish he called me out of the blue to tell me that his wife was having a baby. i was pretty destroyed, i had been dreading this info for ages. I was very much in love with this man and not doing it for spite or fun or a thrill.
We arranged to meet and talk, he said he wanted to talk face to face check i was ok etc. so we met and i decided to combat the situation by crying and drinking-brilliant. I knew as soon as i saw him that i shouldnt have gone to meet him. its a strange feeling seeing someone you loved so passionately for the first time in several months. we had a posh lunch and got a bit drunk and out of desperation i slept with him- instigated by me, insisted infact, one of those stupid cling onto something moments. by this time it was mid december and we met for the last time a few days before xmas. i said i couldnt see or hear from him again until it didnt hurt any more and he agreed to respect that.

Then in january i found out i was pregnant. I would like to point out that we have never had un protected sex.

I decided that i couldnt have an abortion. Im a very maternal person who has always dreamed of becoming a mum and having an abortion before absolutely killed me.

So now im 19 weeks pregnant, his wifes baby is due on june 14th - she knows nothing about it, and FOB is not going to be involved even though i would like him to be. I Just dont know how to cope with her baby being born it feels like a bomb ticking away and i just wish i could shut it out. I suppose im cautiously looking for some support from people who maybe have experienced similar things. I am aware there will be a few women who are in here because their husbands were having affairs, i dont want to rattle anyones cage, and after all, this forum is for support...


Thanks in advance for your responses x x x

 

[kelzyboo]

Hi, i didn't want to read and run sounds like a terrible situation all round.

Your new so just a quick heads up, you can't mention abortions on here, no ones judging but as its a TTC forum too its just out of respect for the other women

I take it FOB doesn't want to be involved? The only advice i can give is that he still has a duty to support you financially if thats what you want, you can't force him to be involved if its not what he wants, i know its awful but thats how it is. You could try talking to him but since his wife doesn't know about you and is due a baby too it seems unlikely he will, sorry hun.

I was in kinda a similar situation a while back (without the pregnancy part) but i know how hard it is to love a man who already has a wife, it will get easier and when your baby comes along nothing else will matter but i think your probably right to keep your distance for now, you need to focus on you and your baby.

I hope you feel better soon and he is legally obliged to pay towards your childs upbringing but that will bring about a whole new set of problems i guess as his wife would find out then, its all up to you and him if you can talk to him about it.

Sounds like your doing whats best for you and baby and thats all you can do at the moment, hope it all works out for you xxx

 

[MikaylasMummy]

it sounds like a hard situation all round.havnt been in this position but didnt want to read and run.hope you sort out a medium that you are somewhat happy with in the end

 

[whoops]

I can relate.

I got pregnant by someone already in a long term relationship. We were friends beforehand and stupidly got carried away one night. We both regretted what had happened almost immediately, but the damage had already been done.

He decided not to get involved with me and my baby, and out of guilt for what I'd done to his girlfriend, I let him walk away.

My daughter is 10 weeks old now and hasn't met her dad. I don't know if she ever will. I've told him he's welcome to be a part of her life but that I'm not going to try and force him to do anything. I try not to think about him otherwise, because it does make things worse when I do.

It's tough but we're managing. The worst thing about this whole situation is probably that I had to move home because it made most financial sense, so my independence is gone.

Being a single mother isn't as bad as I feared, probably because I don't know any different - I'd say it's much harder to go from being in a relationship with a baby to being on your own. My friends and family have been amazingly supportive and most people haven't even asked about the dad.

I wish that things could be different, but at least I've got a beautiful, healthy little girl who I adore, and once your little boy is born, he's the only man that will matter to you.

 

[littlekitten8]

I had a slightly similar situation in that I was cheating on my ex for a few months before we split. Found out I was pregnant just after we split and had no idea whether it was his baby or the other guys. I miscarried at 5 weeks so never ended up being an issue. So other than offering hugs and an ear if you want to rant I can't really help.

 

[First.timer]

I can relate.

I got pregnant by someone already in a long term relationship. We were friends beforehand and stupidly got carried away one night. We both regretted what had happened almost immediately, but the damage had already been done.

He decided not to get involved with me and my baby, and out of guilt for what I'd done to his girlfriend, I let him walk away.

My daughter is 10 weeks old now and hasn't met her dad. I don't know if she ever will. I've told him he's welcome to be a part of her life but that I'm not going to try and force him to do anything. I try not to think about him otherwise, because it does make things worse when I do.

It's tough but we're managing. The worst thing about this whole situation is probably that I had to move home because it made most financial sense, so my independence is gone.

Being a single mother isn't as bad as I feared, probably because I don't know any different - I'd say it's much harder to go from being in a relationship with a baby to being on your own. My friends and family have been amazingly supportive and most people haven't even asked about the dad.

I wish that things could be different, but at least I've got a beautiful, healthy little girl who I adore, and once your little boy is born, he's the only man that will matter to you.

Thanks for replying, I understand its a touchy subject. But it happens, i obviously resent the fact that i fell in love with someone elses husband. I have given him - out of guilt the same walk away free card and promised to not chase him, but i am just longing for him to say he wants to be involved its horrible.


I think the abortion plays a massive part in this situation - and i dont think any subjects should be taboo on here..

 

[kelzyboo]

Most subjects are not taboo on here but i'm pretty sure i read in the rules that that particular subject is, i may be wrong but just double check xx

I wasn't telling you to cause offense, it is in the forum rules. It cannot be discussed unless it was for medical reasons and then it is only allowed in the Ethical losses section, nowhere else no matter what its significance in a situation.

 

[First.timer]

Most subjects are not taboo on here but i'm pretty sure i read in the rules that that particular subject is, i may be wrong but just double check xx

I wasn't telling you to cause offense, it is in the forum rules. It cannot be discussed unless it was for medical reasons and then it is only allowed in the Ethical losses section, nowhere else no matter what its significance in a situation.

i think that is CRAZY. Its not your fault you don't moderate the site, what a horrible rule. When women go through an abortion it can cause real mental damage and to be told what you can and cant discuss and banning it like swearing is disgusting.

 

[kelzyboo]

I half agree, there should be a place to discuss it as its not an easy thing and does cause lasting damage even if it was a choice. I think its out of respect for those TTC or going through a loss , there should be a place for it though just not in a place where it can be read by someone it may deeply hurt or offend x

 

[First.timer]

i think that starting a thread about it would be insensitive, but mentioning it... its something that happens, you cant cotton wool people. As someone who has had an abortion that i regret and had to spend alot of effort recovering from, i feel pretty strongly about it - people are so closed minded. I feel offended by alot of opinions on here and they dont get banned :s x

 

[kelzyboo]

I think its one of those things that we know happens but we don't want to hear about it, i personally don't have a problem with it and i suffered 2 mc's but i know a lot of women on here that would find it difficult to read about. There are a lot of strong opinions and if we posted most of them we'd be crucified on here, i tend not to bother posting my opinion on anything outside of my usual threads because it can get very heated!

I do agree there should be a section for 'free speech' where nothing's off limits including the subjects a lot of people don't like, that way they know what its going to be about and can choose not to read it xx

 

[whoops]

Thanks for replying, I understand its a touchy subject. But it happens, i obviously resent the fact that i fell in love with someone elses husband. I have given him - out of guilt the same walk away free card and promised to not chase him, but i am just longing for him to say he wants to be involved its horrible.


I think the abortion plays a massive part in this situation - and i dont think any subjects should be taboo on here..

I know that feeling - I'd love for him to change his mind, but I've had to just accept that it's not going to happen any time soon.

I hope your FOB does come around though. Do you have people around you that know the situation that you can talk to?