need to get this off my chest

[mnonie]

hi
I should prob start by explaining my twin sister is getting married in July this year, we have always been very close and she has been very supportive of me and OH having wee bump. Her and her fiancee having been trying for about a year to have a LO but nothing has happened, however she found was pregnant about a week ago but over the last few days has had a very heavy bleed . she was so pleased at the prospect of a LO. TBH I know that most people would have been upset at there sister being pregnant as well but I was actually so pleased for them. I was told I couldn't have kids so this little one is very much our little miracle, but i kinda feel guilty now not just because of the miscarriage but we've had so much support from both sides of the family however her fiancee's family really don't approve of her and very much push her out and she was so worried they'd do the same to the her LO. His family have made it very clear, she is a horse rider and very outdoors sort of person, I think they expected him to end up with someone more prim and proper .

Our other issue is I'm very worried about how to ensure my OH's mum doesn't feel pushed out by his step mum (who he doesn't get on with). his mum is so excited about the wee one, but his step mum who has never planned much of a role in the OH's life is now planning on coming up for 6 weeks bth I don't want her here she is welcome later but not when the baby is just born. Every inch of the way she has compared our bump and baby to her nephew which isn't fair they are different people, FIL is totally useless tbh his sons seems to put him out. I just want OH's mum to feel like LO gran, I don't mind his step mum being involved but she has never really been there before. any ideas?

sorry I just didn't know where i could post this, its starting to really get to me thanks

 

[purple_rain]

i'm sure youre sister will be fine given time and is pleased that you have conceived after being told you couldn't.

My sister had a miscarriage 2 weeks before i found out i was pregnant but then she fell pregnant again, there is 2 weeks between my daughter and neice. things will work out for her and she's got her wedding to look forward to and keep her busy.

As for your Step mum in law. tell her straight. Your mother in law won't feel left out if you keep her informed of things and see her often.

 

[mannymoo]

I do love this site for getting things off our chests!

Its very sad that your sisters pregnancy didn't work out. Like you, I would love my sister being pregnant at the same time as me and for the little ones to be close in age. As purple-rain says, your sister will be fine in the end and hopefully it won't take long for her to be pregnant again and you can both enjoy the experience together. Maybe take some extra time to ask/help her with wedding stuff to take her mind off losing the baby. And talk to her about it (if she wants to). I had two miscarriages last year while my SIL was pregnant and the only thing irritated me was that she never asked how I was feeling or what I was going through. She wasn't being horrible by not asking. I think she just thought it best to avoid the topic completely whereas I just wanted someone to talk to about it. No doubt there will be times when she is slightly jealous that you are pregnant and she isn't - its totally natural. But I'm sure she is also just as excited to be getting a little niece or nephew too!

As for the step-mom, like ^^ says, just be honest with her. Its best to tell people when you want them to come so just say to her that it would be great if she could come and help you out when baby is 2,3,4 months old (whenever suits you best). People should understand.

Good luck!

 

[Twinkie210]

I have a twin sister also and had a similar situation as you. I was pregnant in July/Aug 2011 but sadly miscarried at 7/8 weeks. I was completely devestated and opened up to my sister about it. She decided to tell me at that time that her and her DH were trying to get pregnant too. I ended up getting pregnant again 6 months later and now have a beautiful son, but she is still trying to get pregnant. When she first told me she was trying I was hurt that she would tell me this so soon after our MC and was jealous at the thought that she might be pregnant before me. She was afraid that she would get pregnant first and it would hurt my feelings. Now I feel horrible for ever feeling jealous because she is dealing with unexplained infertility and I am lucky enough to have been pregnant 3 times and two beautiful sons. Twins have such a special bond. My sister is so close to my children- way closer than their other Aunts/Uncles. Your sister may need a little time to heal (as I did) but I am sure she will support you and love your LO despite her loss.

 

[bekkie]

to your sister.

As for MIL vs. SMIL - No child can ever have too many people who love him/her, maybe SMIL is trying to make up for the fact that she wasn't there for your OH? 6 weeks seems excessive - I don't get why everyone feels they need to be right there at the beginning... all they do is sleep anyway, not very exciting - it's much more enjoyable for all parties if visits are spaced out IMO. I would just set her straight, tell her that you would love to see her and have her visit later on, and that when you, your OH, and your LO are ready, you will let her know.

 

[mnonie]

Thank you guys so much, I was kinda feeling totally isolated with all of this. My sis is doing ok, says it'll happen if it's meant to . She's being really incredible about it, I don't get to see her much but the bond is so different . I'm very proud of her, I just hope she will come to me if she needs to :/.

I think the distance is a huge problem in making sure MIL feels included as we're 4 miles from my folks but 600 from OH's. think with SMIL it's more to do with completing with MIL esp when bumps little which is such a shame but OH has said her doesn't want SMIL involved as she makes him and his brothers feel like rubbish . Tbh I've only meet the women twice and I get the feeling she really doesn't like me .
Thank you guys xx

 

[purple_rain]

you'll need to link your MIL up to skype, that way she can see baby as much as you both want.

 

[Dtswife]

SIX WEEKS?!?!?

I would't let MY MOM stay for 6 weeks, much less DH's mom or god forbid, his step-mom. Holy hades, nip that in the bud now!

 

[sethsmummy]

Im so sorry for your sister loss hun but it sounds like she has the right mindset Fingers crossed it will happen again for her one day soon.

As for the SMIL - By the sounds of it your dh doesn't want her in your child's life.. and if she has made him feel like crap in the past.. and as you say had nothing to do with you guys.. then id just tell her point blank. As for your mil, as a pp said.. skype Make sure she gets to see baby on skype lots and lots and just keep her up to date every step of the way. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with her Also lots of e-mails with photos etc

xxxx

 

[MnMommy]

I can't imagine anyone coming to stay for 6 weeks- that's not happening at my house! Especially a SMIL who you have only met twice? I think you just need to tell her you appreciate her excitement for the baby and want to honor that. She is welcome to come visit for a couple of days (when you are ready for visitors).

I had house guests for the first 5 weeks after my son was born and it was awful. All of our family and many close friends are from out of town, so everyone wanted to come visit. Some were better than others (like my sister and my mom were super helpful; DH's family not so much), but it was just too much. It is so hard to "host" when you have just had a baby and have a new baby to learn how to care for. Speak up and don't be afraid to put your foot down because if you don't, no one will.