need to rant about my new 'ex'

[jenfirstbaby]

Ugh this single parenting malarky is tough!

I split with my oh on Saturday (my choice), so not even a week yet. Bit of background for you - we were together 3.5 years and got on so well before we moved in together. I was pregnant before I moved in. We started arguing so often, and tbh if i hadn't been pregnant id have left a few months later.

he done abso nothing around the house, that caused arguments. I moved in and cleaned everything, i thought he would change and never did. He even let me scrub bwthwooms and floors while heavily pregnant.

When lo arrived i hoped so much he would step up. He didn't. He has changed her a hand ful of times, fed her once now and again, and never done w nightshift. He said he'd do them and once or twice would let me get up, then hed appear and take overs, put her back down fill of wind etc and id end up back up.

He went out ALL the time. He's been out on nights out at least once a week, on top of that goes out ro watch football, plays football, plays 11s. And things came to blows when he annouved he was going away for 2 weekends this month.

Anyway, to cut a long story short , he was a waste of space, and i felt like single parent.

I've taken lo to see him every night but one since we split. Last night i told him we need to make set days where he has her. I suggested 2 week nights and one day at the weekend.
Today he has asked can he have her over night on Saturday. I've said no. I'm trying to be nice about it, saying im not ready to leave her etc. The truth is hes not capable of looking after her for that long and i don't want her.

He's agreed to wait fir over nights, but now hes started all this arguing saying that im the one that ended it, its not fsir that he has to go without seeing her. Funny that, he didn't seem to spend more than 5 mins a day with us before getting fed up. He also said that its not his problem that im not ready to leave her for a full day. I've tried explaining that 3 days is more than enough, he cannot possibly see her EVERY day! Its just not do able!

What the hell do I do? I really don't want to start a fight but im having to bite my tongue to stop me from saying the real reason I don't want him to have her is he is shit!

I left her with him for q few hours last night. When I dropped her off I said she needed changed and fed. When I picked her up later I asked had she been changed, she hadn't! So she had the same nappy on for 6 hours! When I checked, it was dirty oh, he's never changed a dirty one btw!

 

[ellebelle]

Well he sure isn't proving to you he can take care of her on his own... considering he can't even do something as basic as keeping her bum clean... what a tool. Sorry
You're right, he shouldn't have her for sleepovers.

 

[jenfirstbaby]

Thank you! I'm definitely not letting him. I think he has hopes that we will get back together.
One of his texts says 'lets see what happens with us in the next few weeks. If it doesn't work out then we will need to make fair arrangements.'

Fair arrangements? To me that suggests he's not happy with 3 times a week
is that not more then enough?

I thought most single dads only seem their kids once a week? I thought 3 times was loads! I've tried to tell him that she will eventually be in a routine where she goes to bed at 7.30ish so he's not going to be able to see her on loads of week nights! X

 

[kmbabycrazy]

My ex has DS for two nights (so pretty much 3 days) but that is a lot compared to other dad's and I'm grateful that he wants to spend so much time with his son.

However it didn't start that way. When we first split it was agreed between us that he'd have him one night a week. Often he'd flake on it and call me that morning to tell me he couldn't have him and on one occasion he just didn't turn up because he couldn't be bothered to come and get him and I was sick of always having my parents drop him off and pick him up, it wasn't fair on them.

Anyway, lots of arguments and threats that if he could not stick to a routine for DS's sake then he wouldn't be able to have him as I didn't want DS to have his dad popping in and out of his life as he pleased it finally started to work.

Men are useless lol. My OH has yet to change a nappy at all and it took my ex a while to do it with DS. It wasn't until I took DS upstairs, put him on the bed next to my ex with a nappy, wipes etc and left the room that he changed a dirty one too. He used to run off every time he could smell it lol. But he eventually did and things got there in the end.

You just have to stand your ground with your ex. He'll get the message that what you are offering is what will happen and if it doesn't happen that way it won't happen at all. Get on at him for not changing her and make sure he knows that it's not acceptable. Eventually he will realise that his time with his daughter is precious and he shouldn't be wasting any of that time!

 

[jenfirstbaby]

Thanks. IV asked if I can go round tonight to talk and im just gonna tell him how it is. I need to tell him the real reasons im not comfortable with him having her,. He shouldn't be surprised really, its the reason why I left him! Lol x

 

[Lollipopbop]

Sorry to hear but I'm sure you've mad the right decision. It'll get easier too.

I think you've been pretty fair considering how he's been in the past with her. You just need to tell him that until he can prove that he can look after her properly in the day then he can't have her overnight. Hopefully it'll give him a kick up the back side and he'll learn to be a really great dad xoxo

 

[jenfirstbaby]

Thanks lollipop! Not seen U around for ages! Hope U and johnny are well

I am definitely telling him he's not doing over nights til he can care for her properly. He didn't do night shifts when I asked him to so why all of a sudden does he want to now, when he's on his own with no one to help! Duh! Xxx

 

[emeraldbaby]

I think you are being more than generous with him. I wouldn't do overnights until my little is 2 or 3 years. If you are wondering why he wants so much time with her all of a sudden, I'll tell you why... it isn't about her, it's about him wanting control.
Make sure you keep a diary and document everything (didn't change her nappy in 6 hrs etc.). You will be glad you have these records if you end up going to court.
You are doing the right thing watching what you say to him despite your feelings. Give him nothing to use against you.You obviously have your daughters best interests at heart, so do what you feel is right, be firm with him, but always amicable.
Best of luck! x

 

[Laura2919]

FOB gets the twins every other weekend, Friday to Sunday and that is all the contact he has. His girlfriend and him argue when we have contact so I keep it to a minimal, he ruined my life with his ways I don't intend to be blamed for the way his relationship to her works out.

Tbh she is so young still I wouldn't be comfortable sending my 2 month old to him. I would definitely see if he can prove himself first.

 

[jenfirstbaby]

Thank you.

I went round with lo last night and we talked. Well, I talked. Raised my voice a little. I asked if he'd thought of any days yet and he started saying how its not fair that he can't see her all the time, that it was me who ended it blah blah, and isn't fair how he can't have her over night.

Anyway, it was fine by the time I left. Think we have his set days sorted. I had to be brutally honest with him, said the main reason I left was because I felt like q single parent because he wouldn't help. I said I thought it was a bit rich that he wants her all the tome, yet when we stayed there he never spent any time. Know what he said ? 'its different if U live here, I could see her any time' ... Yes, but U didn't! X