New baby, loss and grief question

[Hopefulagain]

Hello, I am posting my question on this forum in hopes that someone could give me their perspective on the issue of having a new baby after a loss. Last month my husband and I loss our baby girl, Zoi Emerson, at 21 weeks gestation. For some reason, that is unknown to the doctors, I began having contractions and as a result went into preterm labor. We have a 7 yr. old little girl and were all really looking forward to welcoming Zoi into our family for all the reasons that a new baby brings.
Because my past medical history was uneventful (before now) and because I am 36, we have been encouraged to try again right away for another baby. I still very much would like to have a baby and a sibling for my child, but there is fear and to some degree guilt that we would be replacing Zoi somehow.
In my grief process, I realize that I am grieving many different aspects of my loss. Not only am I grieving the loss of my actual baby but also the idea of having a baby at all, a second child, a sibling for Elise and all of the experiences that we planned in our heads that will not happen. It was our assumption that Zoi would be the child who would fullfil all of that, but God has acted, and that is not to be. My question is...did a new baby fill any of these voids for anyone? I will forever miss Zoi for the individual that she is until I meet her again in Heaven, but does having another baby help at all in healing those other areas of loss? Oh...and Congratulations to you all on your pregnancies!

 

[Tournesol]

I am so sorry for your loss

I lost my first at 6w and I was devastated, so I honestly can't imagine how terrible it must have been to lose your baby so far along in your pregnancy.

For me personally, I decided that I wanted to get pregnant again straight away. I had this big empty void and getting pregnant again did fill it for me.

Of course you will never forget your daughter and a new baby is not a replacement, so you mustn't feel guilty or think that you might be replacing her.

I don't know if you'll feel the same as me about this, but to help me to come to terms with what was happening, I thought of all the pet dogs and cats I've had in my life. Not the same as a baby, I know! But I loved all my pets and whenever one has died, I've needed to fill the gap they've left behind with another one. It's not a replacement, but a new kitten or puppy gave me focus and helped to take the pain out of the grief.
And for me, it was the same with my pregnancy. I still think about my first every day, but I have new focus and responsibility now.

I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say and I really hope you get your rainbow baby soon xxx

 

[Smiler82]

I am so sorry for the loss of little Zoi It was only a month ago, perhaps you need a little more time. I know from a medical point of view the docs are encouraging you to try again asap but emotionally it's not that simple.

Like the pp I haven't lost a baby as late on as you and I can only imagine how traumatic it must have been for you. I lost our first baby at 10 weeks, the 2nd at 12 weeks. There was only 3 months between these pregnancies and whilst I was really happy to be pregnant again, I must be honest and say it was also a very confusing time for me, because I had not fully gotten over the grief of the first loss. I had days where I still cried about our lost one, but then that just made me feel really guilty for the new baby I was carrying and worried it meant I didn't love that baby enough.

I'm now pregnant again and I know that this baby will never be a replacement for the ones we lost. They just can't be. However, I have spoken to other ladies on here who say that once they had another baby, it did really help them to get over the difficult feelings. You will always have a sense of loss for Zoi and you will always miss her, always wonder what she would have been like, what she would have achieved. I do think having another baby will most likely help you, but I really think it's important to give yourselves enough time to come to terms with what's happened and to get yourself physically and emotionally strong again. It is very scary being pregnant after a loss and you'll need the strength to deal with that. Only you can decide when you're ready, not the doctors.

Take care hun xxx

 

[Twinkie210]

For me PAL eased some of the pain, but then created different pain, which is kind of hard to explain. I was just shy of 8weeks when I lost my second pregnancy. Like you I had an older child (he was 7 at the time) and this baby was supposed to be his long awaited sibling. Someone for him to play with. When you find out you're pregnant you have all these hopes and dreams and to have them end unexpectedly is hard. I got pregnant with my youngest about 5 months later and his pregnancy was hard. I was so happy to be pregnant again, yet terrified of it ending badly. I was happy that my son was getting a baby brother, but then sad that it wasn't the baby I lost. The hardest part for me is that I got pregnant before my due date, which I thought would make things easier, but it did the opposite for me. Anytime I feel sad about losing my Angel I feel guilty because if that baby would have lived I wouldn't have my son. I physically couldn't have both. So I have this vicious cycle of feeling happy to have my son, sad that I don't have my Angel, then guilty for missing my Angel. I assume that these feelings will get better with time, but I think I will always have some conflicting feelings.

 

[torch2010]

I lost my son at 25+5 weeks. We waited 3 months and tried again. We had a healthy little girl. Our eldest was also 7. My arms still ache for my son, I still hurt. At first it did feel like we were replacing him but now she is here I can see she is a totally different baby. I do look at her sometimes and think of what we missed with our son though. What you are feeling is totally normal. I am so sorry for your loss. If you would like to talk just pop me a message xx