New baby - Sibling issues

[Sarah27]

I have only just stumbled across this part of the forum and by I am glad I have!
Hope someone can help with a weird issue with my LC! Just a bit of info below......

My LC (firstborn) is 6 years old, very bright very attentive above average for most things at school, reading, writing, maths etc... (ofcourse I am going to say this lol)
He was out of nappies and toilet trained by the time he was 2.5years old which I think is pretty normal.

In 2010 I had a stillborn baby at 36 weeks, at the time LC had just turned 4 and dealt with it as best as any 4 year old could do.

In 2011 I found out to be expecting again and we didn't tell LC until quite late on into the pg, just in case and we didn't know how he would cope if it happened again, let alone us (paranoid) Any who our Rainbow baby Ruby arrived in Feb 2012 near enough 2 years after her angel big brother.

LC was worried intially that she may die, as we were but we put his mind at rest... heres the weird thing tho.... He keeps peeing in really bizarre places and its only started recently.

A month or two ago DH was empting the bins and LC has a bin in his room.. DH tipped the bin up and well lots of wee came out of it! What with having a new baby and it been a bit hectic we have no idea how long it had been there for..... DH and I were soo grossed out and very cross! LC was punished and all was okay.... or so I thought....

I went to open LCs blinds in his room today to get him ready and stood in something warm and wet. My first thought was, "hmm there are no pipes under his floor so why is it warm" Then I realised my foot was wet as well!

I asked him what was going on and he said he just did a wee there and couldn't get to the toilet. Thing was his PJs were bone dry so he obviously had his little chip out and peed on the carpet....I was literally like WTF! (Obviously I didn't say that!) I just don't get it?? With the bin incident he denied it and then took quite a bit of coaxing to get it out of him.. however peeing on the carpet in his room just takes the mick in my opinion especially as he made no effort to go to the toilet.

Honestly I am furious but wonder if its a deeper issue. He knows it is wrong and that he shouldn't do it but why does he think its okay to pee in weird places??? Also he peed in a bottle in the bathroom and kept it on the side of the bath...(He has his own bathroom so I didn't notice till some time later, I didn't tell DH about this one....)

Is this "typical" little boy behaviour or do you think it is something more?? I would have expected him to have "accidents" when he was younger and tbh NOT once did he ever do anything like this when he was younger and out of nappies?? I do not expect him to be 6 years old and peeing on the carpet.

I am soo cross with him I was nearly in tears am I over reacting ??? (sleep deprevation and a new baby prob didn't help me this morning after my soggy foot incident!)

LC is unbothered by my anger/ frustrations and punishments.

 

[MangoCoconut]

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been, and must still be, a very emotive subject for you and OH to address. Let alone a child who is grieving in his own way for a sibling.
Not to sound like I am being critical, but please don't shout at/feel mad at your child for these 'accidents'. It sounds as if your child was very affected by losing their sibling and has fears associated with this. They are unable to vocalise these fears/emotions adequately being so young themselves, and this is being manifested by your child urinating. I've heard of many a child wetting their bed/strange places within the home during a divorce, during a house move, or a school move - all emotional events. Therefore a child, who has seen their parents suffer a loss, and gone through losing a family member themselves, can be forgiven for wetting themselves.
I think perhaps you should take your child out somewhere special, some one on one time with the child. Perhaps you have a special resting place for your angel baby, and you could visit this place with your child. Encourage them to talk about how they feel and let them know it is okay for them to express their feelings to you. It may be that they don't want to upset you by sharing these most delicate of emotions, but I am sure together you can work through it. In the meantime, you could perhaps see your GP and see if you can work through this with professional help and gradually your child will feel like they don't need to 'act out' for lack of a better word.

Please don't be angry. A new baby is a huge change for the first child, and it will get better. Your first born doesn't mean to upset you, he perhaps needs a bit of mummy time.

Hugs hun xxxxx

 

[Sarah27]

Thanks for your reply.. And you raised some very valid points. We have a special place to go for our angel and we often go... infact just me and LC were there last week for easter so I will keep it up. And see if it helps.

I know I shouldn't have been soo angry with him as its not the best way to deal with these sorts of situations and its not my normal behaviour. I am firm but fair and very rarely feel so off the radar! Honestly I was the one crying today not him DH said he knew something was wrong as he could hear it in my voice

He has acted soo wonderfully since the arrival of his new sister he has been soo good and doing really well, helping me around the house, doing things without us having to ask him, (little things, like making his bed, brushing his teeth etc) Infact he has really surpised me with how good he has been and this wee business has completely made no sense or surpised me....

Thanks again for your reply Xxxx

 

[crancherry]

First of all, so sorry for your tragic loss, and congrats on your sweet rainbow baby.

I definitely think it is a sign of emotional distress. My niece is 6 and her father is a huge disaster; he has been on drugs, in and out of her life, and ultimately my sister had to divorce him. One day out of the blue, she was sitting on Grandma's lap and just peed all over her without warning! It almost seemed intentional, we were horrified. She wasn't wiggling around or acting like she needed to go, they were just sitting together and she decided to take a pee.

Then, the other day, she was over at my house and walked away from everyone to an adjacent room and just stood there and peed on the floor. No one knew what was happening until we came and found the floor and her clothes wet.

I am sure your son can feel the pain and struggle you've been through with the loss, as well as the exhaustion and emotion that comes with having a new baby. He may not even realize his feelings to be able to communicate them to you, but it seems like impulsive or regressive behavior is a pretty common emotional outlet for kids. It could even be that subconsciously, he knows when the baby wets her diaper she receives immediate attention, and that's what he's needing to feel important.

I understand your reaction to such shocking behavior, as our niece's was to us. I really think with some special time given to him apart from the baby, along with reassurance that he's still very special to you, could be helpful. Mourning the loss may still be confusing or worrying to him, or he may be anxious or jealous of the new baby which conflicts with happy feelings or feels "wrong" to him since it's supposed to be a happy time.

Sometimes a reward system, like earning points or prizes for using the toilet, for being a good helper, etc. can be a positive way to manage behavior and make him feel good about himself. I am sure once everything settles down and he feels a little more secure, things will improve. Best wishes

 

[charlotteb24]

I'm so sorry for your loss of the your son, it must have really taken its toll on you all as a family.

Just to put your mind at ease slightly really, I have 2 step sons, Charlie who was 6 when Noah my eldest son was born used to stay weekends with us and really was very close to me, when Noah came along he didn't handle it well at all and he reverted back to pooing himself, wetting the bed, tantrums which were a nightmare, i couldn't cope with him and a very colicy newborn baby it was a nightmare! We struggled with it for about 2 months or more even before he came to terms with things, realised that Noah was here for keeps and began to notice that he still had time with me too.
I know what having lost a child, your situation is slightly different, however i think its pretty normal behaviour when a new sibling comes along. Try to cut him some slack and make every effort when baby is asleep to have some special time with him to help put his mind at rest.

HV may be able to help also, they are usually understanding happy to help (if they are as nice as the HV's we have anyway!)

xx

 

[BigZai]

I really don't think you son has any issues that are causing him to pee everywhere. My mom told me about how when my brother got out of diapers that was the begining of the end. He LOOOOVVVEEED to pee outside everywhere. I realize you boy is going inside but what if you offered up going outside (unless you live somewhere where he couldn't) or maybe talk about how fun it is to pee in the tub you could also get something like this
https://www.leapsandbounds.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=535819&cm_ven=RKG_Froogle&cm_cat=NA&cm_pla=NA&cm_ite=NA&orderType=6&utm_source=RKG_GoogleProducts&utm_medium=datafeed&utm_campaign=product&utm_term=GoogleShopping&zmam=98172719&zmas=1&zmac=1&zmap=15484%20TRAN
Even grown men like to aim at something thats why at many bars they have fake flies in the bathroom to encourage them to aim even when drunk

And do not punish him either its a phase or he does have some emotional issue either way dont yell and scream or take away toys just clean it with vinegar. I am pro punishment if they do something bad but as the saying goes boys will be boys