New to the board and need someone to talk to who understands!

[Kristan]

Hey girls.

I have wanted a baby stronly for about a year now and I have never had a desire like this before- it is all I think about. Each month, I find myself disappointed when I get my period even though I know there is a slim to zero chance that I could even be prego. I just feel silly and for the last few months I have actually found myself crying in the bathroom when I get my period. Is that not crazy?

Let me back up a bit. My husband and I were HS school sweethearts and dated for 8 years before we got married (7 yrs before he proposed!). We got married in March of 2006 and have now been married for just over 2 yrs. This would be a 10 yr. relationship all together. He has his bachelors degree and I have an associates degree. I have worked full time since 18 and he had rich parents that paid for everything including his schooling so he got help and I did not so I was unable to finish just yet. We are both very into our careers and despite only having a 2 yr degree I have done quite well for myself in my career. He has his dream job as well. We just built our dream home (large house) and moved in this past January. Life is good and most would say I have nothing to complain about and think that my DH has given me everything i ever wanted. BUT! I cannot turn off this desire to be a Mommy and it hurts so much! My DH thinks that we need to wait (just like I have had to wait for the proposal and then the wedding). I feel like I always have to wait and follow his plan for almost half of my life. We have just both gone back to school- he went into the masters program and me into the bachelors program. I work super long hours at work and now I am going to school now as well because he says that when I graduate, then we will have a baby! At this point this is the only reason that I am back in school. I am working 80 exhausting hours a week for my career and going to school all week because I know at the end of this tunnel I will get a baby. He says we need to be financially able to before having a baby. But we are ok financially and should be lucky to have what we have- we worked very hard for it. The truth is I love my house but I do not come from much of monetary value and would give it all up for a baby. This big house was his idea and I did not know at the time that he planned this lifestyle for us that it would be a trade up! I believe that all a family needs is love and I would give up everything in a New York min. to have a baby! He was raised in a family where you were judged and respected on your education and that determined your worth in the world. I grew up with a lot of love and understanding and you were judged on how you make others feel and how you loved others. I have so much love to give.... He keeps saying something and going back on it.. he sits there and says "I cannot wait to have kids" and he has already named them and talks about it all the time and it just tears me up. We have a room in the house we call "the baby room." It is empty but that is what we call it and he tells everyone when they come over about that room. But then makes me wait. I am very loyal (he is my one and only) and I would never go behind his back or anything. But, lately I have wanted a baby so bad it is making me crazy and I have had thoughts of getting one on my own. I am not this type of person though...its just emotions right now. Every time I hear of another one of my friends or family members is prego I become so happy for them and sad for me all at the same time. I cannot even look at other babies without picturing my own and what he/ she would look like. I too can't even sleep properly anymore because I want a baby that badly. I'm sick of feeling like this, it's taking over my whole life. Emotionally I cannot turn it off or get him to understand my feelings or even talk about it. I still have a year left of school and cannot emotionally go through these fellings everyday for a year...I don't know what to do. I do not want the baby until he wants one with me and we do it right and plan it. But! I am going crazy here.........
Please help!

 

[porkpie1981]

Hey girls.

I have wanted a baby stronly for about a year now and I have never had a desire like this before- it is all I think about. Each month, I find myself disappointed when I get my period even though I know there is a slim to zero chance that I could even be prego. I just feel silly and for the last few months I have actually found myself crying in the bathroom when I get my period. Is that not crazy?

Let me back up a bit. My husband and I were HS school sweethearts and dated for 8 years before we got married (7 yrs before he proposed!). We got married in March of 2006 and have now been married for just over 2 yrs. This would be a 10 yr. relationship all together. He has his bachelors degree and I have an associates degree. I have worked full time since 18 and he had rich parents that paid for everything including his schooling so he got help and I did not so I was unable to finish just yet. We are both very into our careers and despite only having a 2 yr degree I have done quite well for myself in my career. He has his dream job as well. We just built our dream home (large house) and moved in this past January. Life is good and most would say I have nothing to complain about and think that my DH has given me everything i ever wanted. BUT! I cannot turn off this desire to be a Mommy and it hurts so much! My DH thinks that we need to wait (just like I have had to wait for the proposal and then the wedding). I feel like I always have to wait and follow his plan for almost half of my life. We have just both gone back to school- he went into the masters program and me into the bachelors program. I work super long hours at work and now I am going to school now as well because he says that when I graduate, then we will have a baby! At this point this is the only reason that I am back in school. I am working 80 exhausting hours a week for my career and going to school all week because I know at the end of this tunnel I will get a baby. He says we need to be financially able to before having a baby. But we are ok financially and should be lucky to have what we have- we worked very hard for it. The truth is I love my house but I do not come from much of monetary value and would give it all up for a baby. This big house was his idea and I did not know at the time that he planned this lifestyle for us that it would be a trade up! I believe that all a family needs is love and I would give up everything in a New York min. to have a baby! He was raised in a family where you were judged and respected on your education and that determined your worth in the world. I grew up with a lot of love and understanding and you were judged on how you make others feel and how you loved others. I have so much love to give.... He keeps saying something and going back on it.. he sits there and says "I cannot wait to have kids" and he has already named them and talks about it all the time and it just tears me up. We have a room in the house we call "the baby room." It is empty but that is what we call it and he tells everyone when they come over about that room. But then makes me wait. I am very loyal (he is my one and only) and I would never go behind his back or anything. But, lately I have wanted a baby so bad it is making me crazy and I have had thoughts of getting one on my own. I am not this type of person though...its just emotions right now. Every time I hear of another one of my friends or family members is prego I become so happy for them and sad for me all at the same time. I cannot even look at other babies without picturing my own and what he/ she would look like. I too can't even sleep properly anymore because I want a baby that badly. I'm sick of feeling like this, it's taking over my whole life. Emotionally I cannot turn it off or get him to understand my feelings or even talk about it. I still have a year left of school and cannot emotionally go through these fellings everyday for a year...I don't know what to do. I do not want the baby until he wants one with me and we do it right and plan it. But! I am going crazy here.........
Please help!

Hi and welcome.

You will find in this section that there are many like you including me

I will update u on me so u dont get confused.

I have a 2 yr old (unplanned), i found out i was pregnant not long before going to start my 1st yr at uni.I was 25 and had just finisheh a college course for mature studebt that wanted to go to uni but needed to get better grades. I was so happy but scared as i didnt want to ruin my education. Anyways i just didnt go and had my wee boy. I had the grades so really i could start another year. So 2 yrs after when my wee boy was 1 I started uni and loved it. So after much hasseling my oh we decided that we would ttc again. I came off the pill at the end of November had a then got a . I was due October the 9th and was planning to finish my 1st yr then take a yr out and then got back and finish the last 2 yrs.

I went for my 1st scan and found out i had a blighted ovum and i was offered a d & c which i declined and decided to leave to ensure that there was no mistakes(tho i was sure of my dates). I ended up having a d & C at nearly 13 weeks when i seen on the scan that the sac was collopasing. All this happened when i was off uni for easter holidays and i wanted to end it as it had been going on for weeks and i was my wee boys birthday the next week and i was due back at uni.

I remeber thinking that we would start again but then my oh said No. I can understand his reasoning as we decided to start right away in november as i would be able to nearly have a full year off with the baby then go back. I was really unhappy but i know its for the best, but as u say i just wanted it soooo much especially as we had agreeded and then it was all changed. I sell bits and pieces on ebay and bought a lot of designer baby clothes of ebay from america to sell on and make a small profit. I always kept a few bits to the side that i liked. Since i was told that we wouldnt be trying till i was now in my 3rd year of uni now we sell the clothes and thru the cot in the dump.(it was my wee boys cot but we where going to use it again). I was just so disgusting and like other people this was happening to I had lots of friends that where pregnant and atho i was happy i was jealous.

Well to cut a long story short i just mopped about and was depressed until i got my oh to agree to start ttc in sep/oct. I have a longer uni yr as i have a work placement so proably october would be best incase i get a the 1st go (as i did the last two times). I actually wanted to be pregnant before October as that was when i was due but was just happy to be starting again sooner rather than a few years.

I just didnt go back on the bc pill and told my oh theres no point messing up my body if we are ttc in a few months. So he knows and we have been bding not using any protection. I know if i get a now it will mess up my uni year but i will find some way to sort it(anyway its near the end of the year so i will just have to finish it and then take a yr out). You will always find a way to cope especially since u are finacinally stable. I am in debt but my baby wont be short of anything and we are currently working and nearly getting rid of it all this, this yr.

I am telling u all this as i thought there was no way that my oh would change his mind. This is awful to say but i just mopped about and acted depressed(i was but i put it on more), also my wee boy started saying the word "baby" all the time(not me telling him to). Now my oh has said that he would love 4 kids but doesnt want me to mess up uni as i put it on hold when i was having my wee boy. OMG i was so shocked, so it just goes to show that even the hardest nuts u can crack

I may sound conieving and sly but its how i feel so mybe u should start crying and sitting around until he listens. Afterall u have waited long enought and if u are in ur last year then u could start and by the time u give birth u would be due after u have finsihed your degree. Have u said that to him?

Im not saying get pregnant on the sly either as that could cause real problems but i just never went back on the pill but told him.
Are you on the pill? If so tell him u are coming off it to regulate ur cycle as some people take a yr to get back to normal.

 

[doc123]

Kristan..

Your post just made me want to give you a big hug..

I'm totally with you on this one. I felt me hubby was saying one thing and then saying another- i cant wait to have kids, lets wait two years type stuff...
So this week i told him how hurtful that was for me. I told him i needed a timeline so i could plan for it and to have something to aim for. I'm thirty years old, had 2 early mcs and desperate to ttc...
And i just left him with that thought.. 1 week later after the baby negotiations we have a plan to try in oct which would work for us financially and then stop ttc in jan if it hasnt happened and regroup..

Men are often so difficult..try telling him how difficult this is for you and acknowledge how scared he must be and leave him with that thought and see if he can reflect on it.. tell him how powerless you feel and what you need..
He sounds like a really great thoughful guy and it sounds like you guys have a really solid relationship... use that strength to negotiate about it and you will reach the point where you both agree and have an equitable solution...give a little, take a little and you will resolve it...
I understand how you must be feeling.. at least he wants them..tap into that and you'll crack him!!!!!!
Keep me posted.....

 

[Sambatiki]

hun,

Not sure what to say hun but didn't want to read and run.

I hope that it all works out for you soon.

Kerryxxx

 

[lotus]

Kristan,

I can totally relate to your post. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for one year. We went back to university (second time around) at age 30. As you can see, it took a long time for him to decide to get married (though we always knew we would). Since we only finished school a couple of years, we have been putting off having a baby. We both have good jobs now, but have moved twice for work, and have had to live apart for awhile. We are now finally in the same city, but renting (we haven't decided if we will stay here yet).

Up until recently if I ever brought up the topic of having a baby, he did not want to talk about. He only said some day, but had no plan. This was bothering as I am mid-thirties. He finally said to me recently that he was ready! I think after he was talking to friends that were having trouble conceiving, I think he realized that we should really starting thinking about this.

We are currently renting a house in a new city away from family. We aren't even sure if we will stay here, which worries me, as I don't want to be starting a new job and moving in the middle of trying to have a baby. Oh well, at age 36 I don't feel I have a lot of time to wait until everything is perfect. But, I suppose there never is the perfect time.

I don't think you can rush someone else into being ready to have a baby (unfortunately). When the time is right I think he will let you know.

 

[Alchemist]

there is never a perfect time to have a baby but you have all the time in the world to have careers, buy houses and travel. women have limited time on having babies......dont let your DH confuse the issue. he needs to know the facts as they are, not the facts according to his take on life.......i put my foot down and said (after 2 years waiting for him to feel comfortable),its now or we part. whats the point in staying together if he doesnt see my way as much as his own. i delayed for him (and being 33 its not like i have all the time either) but now he has to start trying or he doesnt care that i am geeting older and it gets harder as a women ages.............

 

[6lilpigs]

Oh Kristan how upsetting, can you not accidently miss a pill and take a little chance. I can imagine your baby room is lovely but it defo has one little accessory missing lol. As Alchemist said there is the next 50 years for careers and houses but limited time for family for us girls. Maybe if you accidently left the door ajar when your next period is due and accidently knocked a cup to the floor so he came in to see you ashen faced and asked 'my dear, its only a cup why ever do you look so sad?'. Hook, line and sinker lol. Good luck whatever you do, be brave and tell him I say.