New to this board- my situation

[dbdad]

In fact I'm new to this whole situation. Basically I am 20 and my ex partner is 18, she became pregnant when we was together but through the stress of the first stage of pregnancy she ended it with me and after a very rough patch we agreed to stay in contact and civil for the sake of the baby. It's worth noting that I am very dedicated to becoming a father, no matter how scared I am. However I just wondered if there was anyone else in this situation I am in, as it seems a fairly rare case from where I'm looking- we aren't together from the very start of this and she behaves pretty badly towards me when throughout i've been there for all the scans, bought almost every item of clothing and towards the essential Cot/Pram ect. It just seems that in day to day life I only meet happy families together, or just deadbeat dads who are apart and have no interest. Im in a bit of a limbo whereby we aren't together, but I genuinly want to do my best for my daughter (there is 2 months to go now until the birth date). Is there anyone else here like that/was like that? Sorry if my post seems a little confused, I could literally write an essay but I'll keep it to this for now. It is hard for me as I seem to have to fight my corner constantly to keep my promise of having regular access to my daughter when she arrives, and I get virtually no help off either my family (or certainly not hers). Anyone with similar situations and advice would be very gratefully recieved.

Sincerely,
dbdad.

 

[WhiteGeisha]

Hi ya

All the advice I can offer you is that just keep doing what you are doing. If you are serious about being involved and doing the best for your LO then you are more likely to keep things in your favour.

Not sure what you mean by the stress splitting you up - do you mean it was a shock to you both or her or you?

I have tried from the day I fell pregnant to get my daughter's dad involved and still to this day we are fighting over things.

I wish he had your attitude. Hope it works out. x

 

[dbdad]

As in she broke up with me through the stress she was under during the first trimester (numerous blood spotting, very worrying and countless hospital trips). I can only say this through the eyes of a male, obviously never going through any of the physical symptoms myself, but she just seemed to switch. As in, from lovely to totally different. Couldnt stand me. That attitude has carried on throughout this whole time of pregnancy and she is adament we are to stay seperate and live our own lives. This in itself I dont mind, but It is a nightmare trying to relate to other soon-to-be-fathers as I don't see anyone else in my position, and when I tell people, they presume its me who has "done a runner" and it shames me to think that as I have/and will do everything for my little girl.

 

[jessrabbit]

Keep doing what your doing. Its really tough. I just wish my FOB was as interested as you are. Feeling really down today as still coming to the realisation he couldnt care less and that I am going to have to stay strong and do this all on my own xx

 

[dbdad]

This is what I do not understand, I thought she would be just the same but she's completely the opposite...she really doesn't want me in the picture and would most likely be happier if I wasn't? It's completely confusing...and for no good reason at all, I don't take drugs, never smoked, never been violent or ever drink. It was literally just an overnight switch that made her detest me, and I've stated throughout how much I am dedicated to this baby but she just shrugs it off and says I am lucky I play a part. I'm 20 and she is 18 so she relies more on her mother, even though i have paid for virtually everything so far. I just don't understand it, and I don't know any other men in the same position which makes relating to this whole situation almost impossible.

 

[jessrabbit]

Dont forget pregnancy is a funny time. I have had the most outrageous mood swings and will admit to be totally unreasonable at times. Thinking of it from her point of view she may just be terrified and want to rely on her mum as that is what she is used to.

Think you can only do what I am doing and continue to make it clear you want to be involved, but do the hardest thing... give her space. She may just need time to get her head around it all???

I dont know any other woman in the same situation, which is why I come on here x

 

[jocelynmarie]

This is what I do not understand, I thought she would be just the same but she's completely the opposite...she really doesn't want me in the picture and would most likely be happier if I wasn't? It's completely confusing...and for no good reason at all, I don't take drugs, never smoked, never been violent or ever drink. It was literally just an overnight switch that made her detest me, and I've stated throughout how much I am dedicated to this baby but she just shrugs it off and says I am lucky I play a part. I'm 20 and she is 18 so she relies more on her mother, even though i have paid for virtually everything so far. I just don't understand it, and I don't know any other men in the same position which makes relating to this whole situation almost impossible.

We don't necessarily understand it ourselves. Being pregnant is the most exhausting thing I have ever gone through, both mentally and physically. I read some where once that a day of pregnancy can be compared to an hour of body building.

I broke up with my FOB before I even found out I was pregnant, he was just someone that I knew I didn't want to be with. Finding out I was pregnant was an emotional roller coaster. I'm almost 30, I have a good job, awesome family support, and I've always wanted to be a mom. But, now I'm stuck dealing with someone that I have no desire to be around for the rest of my life, or at least the next 18 years. I know that sounds insanely selfish, but its always a thought that is there.

FOB wants to be there for my son as well, and for my son's sake I am glad. For my sake, not so much... but life isn't about me anymore.

So being that I'm in a situation much like your ex, the only advise I can give is to give her space. Don't stress her out. It just makes things that much worse. Even if you think that you're not doing anything to stress her out... you probably are, not intentionally, but we are easily upset. lol

And whatever you do... don't make threats!!!! I can't tell you how many times I've been threatened to be taken to court. Its not a scare tactic, mothers definitely have the law on their side mostly, unless they are very unfit. All its going to do is put her back up and make her dislike you.

I'm sorry, I know I probably sound very rude, I'm not trying to be I promise!!!

 

[dbdad]

Thanks for the contributions. It would be nice to also hear back from any dads in a similar situation to see how they are/or did get on if they are reading this, also? Thanks all.

 

[whoops]

Tbh, there's only a handful of men who post on this forum at all, and it's rare to see any in the single parents section.

You're welcome here, of course, but I don't know if you'll find many dads in similar situations here.

It's a tough situation for you with your ex gf - all you can really do is give her space but let her know that you want to be involved. Until the baby's born, try not to stress too much about access etc - there's plenty of time to work that out after he/she gets here and I'd say the more you push the issue, the more she'll run away.

 

[Kacie]

This is what I do not understand, I thought she would be just the same but she's completely the opposite...she really doesn't want me in the picture and would most likely be happier if I wasn't? It's completely confusing...and for no good reason at all, I don't take drugs, never smoked, never been violent or ever drink. It was literally just an overnight switch that made her detest me, and I've stated throughout how much I am dedicated to this baby but she just shrugs it off and says I am lucky I play a part. I'm 20 and she is 18 so she relies more on her mother, even though i have paid for virtually everything so far. I just don't understand it, and I don't know any other men in the same position which makes relating to this whole situation almost impossible.

We don't necessarily understand it ourselves. Being pregnant is the most exhausting thing I have ever gone through, both mentally and physically. I read some where once that a day of pregnancy can be compared to an hour of body building.

I broke up with my FOB before I even found out I was pregnant, he was just someone that I knew I didn't want to be with. Finding out I was pregnant was an emotional roller coaster. I'm almost 30, I have a good job, awesome family support, and I've always wanted to be a mom. But, now I'm stuck dealing with someone that I have no desire to be around for the rest of my life, or at least the next 18 years. I know that sounds insanely selfish, but its always a thought that is there.

FOB wants to be there for my son as well, and for my son's sake I am glad. For my sake, not so much... but life isn't about me anymore.

So being that I'm in a situation much like your ex, the only advise I can give is to give her space. Don't stress her out. It just makes things that much worse. Even if you think that you're not doing anything to stress her out... you probably are, not intentionally, but we are easily upset. lol

And whatever you do... don't make threats!!!! I can't tell you how many times I've been threatened to be taken to court. Its not a scare tactic, mothers definitely have the law on their side mostly, unless they are very unfit. All its going to do is put her back up and make her dislike you.

I'm sorry, I know I probably sound very rude, I'm not trying to be I promise!!!

I agree with this and whoops. My situation is kind of similar but a little more extreme. FOB is there for my daughter.. sees her twice a week which is fine and yet he is still pushing for more and more with threats, harrassment and even trying blackmail... generally just making my life hell. He doesn't seem to see that he is ultimately scaring me and pushing me (and my daughter) away.

The only advise I can give is to give her space where she needs it.. try and stay away from the subject of the two of you as a couple and concentrate solely on topics involving the baby but again don't go overboard on how you want things done. Don't push her into anything or try to make her agree to lots of things right now.

Just remember that you have your baby's entire life to be there for her and be a great dad.. don't try to rush it all like my ex is. He's spending so much time trying to prove to others that he's a good dad that he is actually forgetting about my daughter's best interests in the process.

I hope things work out.. it does take time but it can work

xxx