Newbie TTC and feeling alone

[joyceysbb]

Hello everyone :wave:

Sorry in advance about this long post

As you can tell I am new here , I have been browsing now and again but decided to finally join for hopefully some support and to gain some friends along the way

I have been feeling very alone for 10 years
10 years ago I had a miscarriage whilst in a past relationship. I was 21 at the time and as my family did not like my then boyfriend, they were very happy that I miscarried
After leaving the hospital, a day after the miscarriage, I went home and my mother’s words were “has it gone now?” with an anticipated smile. When I said yes she couldn’t hide how happy she was
On the day of the miscarriage , my family celebrated and I was not allowed to grieve. Nobody consoled me and it has never been mentioned since.
I was 11 weeks when I miscarried and despite the relationship ending. I was happy about the pregnancy as I have always wanted to be a mum.
I was heartbroken by the miscarriage but was made to feel like an idiot for feeling sad , so since then it is something that I have kept inside.
I have had to keep my grief inside whilst watching friends have child after child and it has been heartbreaking.

I met my OH 2 years after the miscarriage and we have been together for 10 years.
The longing to have a child has been with me since I miscarried and with each year that passed the feeling of loss never seems to have gone away.
My OH knows all about it and has been there for me during times when I have felt low, but understandably I can not expect him to totally understand my grief, as this was a pregnancy from a previous relationship

After 4 years of being together I did say that I wanted us to TTC but he was not ready . In 2009 I was diagnosed with prolactinoma after not having any periods for a year! . I was taking cabaglione for a number of months but my periods were still slow to return and then I started to take bromocriptine and my periods became regular. I began to ovulate regularly and we decided to TTC August 2012.
I honestly thought it would maybe take a few months but it has now been a year and I feel so disappointed.
I feel as If my worst fear could be a reality.
The reason I feel so alone is I feel that I have been grieving alone for 10 years . I did not have the option to TTC straight after the miscarriage and feel like I have been waiting and waiting for 10 years. I feel like I am waiting all over again

I hate to admit this but there are times when I do have some resentment towards my OH for making me wait 9 years into the relationship before TTC and I am now 33
Is this wrong of me?

What also bothers me is the way my mother is now putting pressure on me to get pregnant. because she likes my OH and now wants to be a grandparent, because she now feels left out as all her friends are grandparents.
I find this so selfish and it annoys me so much. She treated my other pregnancy as an inconvenience and prayed it would end (literally). Which it did, she didn’t care about how I felt.
She was actually angry with me , yes angry.. Because she said I was taking to long to think about having kids
Funny how things turn around

So that’s my story so far, hope it wasn’t too much of a rant lol

So we have been trying for a year now
I have used OPKs and been Temping for the last 3 months to show my Endocrinologist who I see next month
I ovulate on days 14-16 . We BD every other day from day 10 and me and OH take Vitamins

I try to remain positive but it really is a lot easier said than done when getting a BFP seems so far out of reach.

I look forward to sharing the rest of my journey with you ladies and wish you all the best xx

 

[alex_22]

It is totally understandable that you resent him at times 9 years is so so long to wait for someone to be ready for a child and in my eyes really most of the responsibility of bringing a baby up is left to us women, have you ever thought of counselling to try and help with the greivment of your miscarriage its just 10 years is a long time to have to carry that around with you with little or no help it must be mentally exhausting there are a lot of wonderful women on this site and many of them would have gone through what you have and will be able to offer support, I havent been through the heartache of a miscarriage so I cant offer support but I can offer comfort and I can tell you that 1 day you will be a mother and this last 9 years of longing for a baby will all be a distant memory, you will never forget your miscarriage and you will nwver understand why it happened but thats ok you can forever love the baby you lost and find some comfort in knowing that that baby will be with you forever and will always be a part of your life and family. I think the best thing to do is just take what your mother says with a pinch of salt its sometimes hard for someone to understand something theyve never had to go through, unfortunately mother nature cant be rushed and things will happen when they happen your mother pestering you isnt going to make things come any quicker so just block it all out as best you can stress is the last thing you need. I really hope you have your beautiful baby soon I know youll be an amazing mother and youll look back at all of this and know that this path lead you to an eternity of happiness love and laughter x

 

[LittleLala]

My heart goes out to you.
Ugh, your mother is making ME frustrated. I can't imagine the anger you are harbouring.
Her actions were plain cruel.

The way you are feeling towards your OH is completely normal. I don't judge you for feeling that way at all!!
My husband and I were trying for a year, when he said that we needed to take a break from trying for a while. I knew that he was right, we needed to organise our finances so that we weren't living week by week anymore, and most importantly, I needed to get myself into a stable, healthy state of mind. But man oh man did I absolutely resent him for it. I was so upset, it was like him agreeing to start TTC was giving me a gift I wanted so badly, only for him to rip it away from me.
So we have begun TTC once again and it is a lot better this time.

Last time we were trying, we had a mc. Despite all the issues I have with my mother, my issue is with HIS mother. She has treated it all as HER big loss. If ANYONE mentions grand kids, she starts crying and tells them all OUR situation. Ahh I want to scream!!!

10 years is so long, I don't know how you have dealt with all of this. I would give you a hug if I could!
(I would also give your mother a serious talk if I could too haha).

I find this site to be really helpful to vent and be a little crazy without others judging you. Others here will understand your pain.

Best of luck, I really hope you get your BFP soon!!!

 

[joyceysbb]

Thank you so much alex for your kind words, it has meant a lot and I do hope and look forward to being a mum

I did go through some counselling 3 years after I had the miscarriage but to be honest I just couldnt open up, I felt stupid for feeling upset about it because at the time everyone else around me was acting as if It was nothing.

I now know that it was not nothing especially when I hear about others who have miscarried and felt the same ways
I have bad days and days when I am happy and hopefull about the future and my OH tries his best to understand and cheer me up
I may try counselling again but not still sure how much I could open up. I feel better typing online than face to face lol

 

[alex_22]

Its totally normal to not want to open up but its important to know it doesnt show weakness it takes a lot of courage to open up to someone I personally think youd benefit a lot better from talking to someone on here whos been through it someone who can tell you ive been there and felt that and its normal. Theres nothing wrong with how you feel, I really do hope life starts looking up for you real soon, I just know one day youll be happier than you ever thought imaginable and you will have your little angel by your side every step of the way x

 

[joyceysbb]

Thanks for your reply LittleLala

Sorry to hear about your loss its not easy and I can imagine how annoying it can be when others make it about all them

Yes I do feel so frustrated and angry about the way my mother has acted.
I feel like I was let down during a time when I did need her support and now she is just thinking about herself.

I do look back sometimes and think wow its been 10 years! waiting ..waiting to TTC!

Beleive me I have moaned at him sooo many times. He does now regret waiting this long. He actually apologised to me about it
I am just happy we have finally started but feeling low again about another waiting game

Good luck to you too xx

 

[joyceysbb]

Its totally normal to not want to open up but its important to know it doesnt show weakness it takes a lot of courage to open up to someone I personally think youd benefit a lot better from talking to someone on here whos been through it someone who can tell you ive been there and felt that and its normal. Theres nothing wrong with how you feel, I really do hope life starts looking up for you real soon, I just know one day youll be happier than you ever thought imaginable and you will have your little angel by your side every step of the way x

Thank you again alex

I am sure that the more I open up the better I will feel and its helps to know im at a place where there are some who understand some of what I am going through

Your last few words bought a tear to my eye (happy tears ), just imagining that some day I will be a mother fills me with so much joy
Part of me cant wait for that day and the other half of me worries about it not happening
But I will try to remain as positive as I can

all the best xx