Newbie with a question

[xxJessxx]

Hi all,

I've been a stalker on here for a while and admire how open and freely you all speak about things so thought I would pluck up the courage to ask a question...

How did you know it was definitely time to start a family?


The reason I ask is because I seem to have been stuck for a while now. In my heart I absolutely want to have a baby with my dh, I get the whole butterflies in the tummy, tugging of the womb kind of feeling when I think about it but then something in my head seems to take control as I constantly have reasons why we shouldn't yet. I have been with my dh for 9 years now, we are both late 20s, have careers and own our home. He has been broody for probably 3-4 years but is extremely patients and supportive. I have also been broody but just always stop myself with some kind of forced (and crazy) logic, like 'what if we don't earn enough?', 'we haven't been on enough holidays yet', 'what if I turn out like my own mother?', etc.

This week my dh said to me 'you can't and never will be able to control everything to make it a perfect time to have a baby, as there is no perfect time'. It made me wonder how do other people know that it is definitely time?

 

[ccoastgal]

Hi all,

I've been a stalker on here for a while and admire how open and freely you all speak about things so thought I would pluck up the courage to ask a question...

How did you know it was definitely time to start a family?


The reason I ask is because I seem to have been stuck for a while now. In my heart I absolutely want to have a baby with my dh, I get the whole butterflies in the tummy, tugging of the womb kind of feeling when I think about it but then something in my head seems to take control as I constantly have reasons why we shouldn't yet. I have been with my dh for 9 years now, we are both late 20s, have careers and own our home. He has been broody for probably 3-4 years but is extremely patients and supportive. I have also been broody but just always stop myself with some kind of forced (and crazy) logic, like 'what if we don't earn enough?', 'we haven't been on enough holidays yet', 'what if I turn out like my own mother?', etc.

This week my dh said to me 'you can't and never will be able to control everything to make it a perfect time to have a baby, as there is no perfect time'. It made me wonder how do other people know that it is definitely time?

Well unfortunately I don't have any advice because I am in the same position. However roles are reversed. I think exactly how your husband thinks and you think like my DH.

However I officially knew I was ready when we had an "oopsie" around what I thought was perfect timing in the O department and was really excited so much that when I got AF I cried. Ever since then I have not been able to get wanting a baby out of my head and it is hard because I feel very one sided in my relationship in this area. I have also always wanted to be a mother since I was younger but knew I wanted to get my ducks in a row before I brought a child into the world.

I would say that if you have no relationship issues, both have careers which you stated and have room and have a good income than you are in a place where most people aren't. I have seen people have children when they do not even make a fraction of what my DH and I make and they make is just fine. Another thing to keep in mind is that there is no perfect timing to have a baby. Just make sure that it is what you want because they cannot be returned.

 

[Scarlett P]

Hello!

With my first it was totally the wrong time practically, but I was in a long distance relationship and needed the maternity leave to move! But I had been really broody from when I saw my 30th looming.

This time I've had moments like you, especially since nearly everyone I was preggers with seems to be expecting again. But I knew it wasn't right for us and we were ready. It's been a more gradual thing and I guess I'm aware of my age and the age gap there'd be with my first.

I think it's normal to have moments like you're having, becoming a parent is a huge thing.

But it's true what people say about never being the right time, there'll always be something.

don't worry if you don't suddenly have an epiphany type moment cos I don't think everyone does.

Big hugs xxx

 

[Scarlett P]

Ps - I'm kinda like that with control and order in my life. It's one of the things I'm still trying to learn to let go a little since becoming a parent. It's something you'll be aware of right from the min you do start ttc. BFP doesn't always happen straight away when you want it, you can't control when you go into labour, when they sleep, how much dinner they eat etc, if you see what I'm saying...
xx

 

[xxJessxx]

Hi ladies :wave:

Thank you for your replies!

Ccostgal, that is so interesting to have you give an opinion that is also from my OH's point of view and really weird as I think his super broodiness kicked in when we had an 'oopsie' a few years back haha, he was much more disappointed than he thought he would be and so much so that we discussed me coming off the pill.

Scarlett, I'm glad I'm not the only one who is a bit of a control nut ha! And it is good to know not everyone has an epiphany moment, I think all of my friends so far have described having one and I'm just sat here waiting.

I think a large part of it is to do with the 'oopsie' we had. It was early on in the year and we decided that I would come off the pill and try in the summer, the summer came and I had a wobble and changed my mind to the year after. This was about 4 years ago now I think I may be waiting for something that is never going to happen, like no one is going to say 'oi! It's time!!!!' Although people have said similar when they hear I'm late twenties, in a relationship and child-free, like it's illegal.

God I hope becoming a parent will chill me out lol.

xxx

 

[Scarlett P]

I wanted my BFP so bad and then when it happened I had a wobble when some friends came round with their newborn (not in a want to get rid kinda way but how am I going to be a parent kinda way as it finally dawned on me what a difference children make to your life!). Yes defo control freak here but more chilled since becoming a parent. Thought I'd be mega routine led and turned into a go with the flow feed on demand mummy. Quite liberating actually. And I've not worn a watch since I went on maternity leave, which id have been lost without before!
Must be frustrating people expecting you to be preggers and have kids just cos you're married, pressure you can do without! Would you consider ntnp rather than actively ttc? Or are you sure you're defo not ready yet? Xxx

 

[xxJessxx]

I love that becoming a mum chilled you out, I better not tell my oh that story though otherwise he'll be hiding my pills tonight haha! I could really do with chilling out though I know.

We decided a while ago that we would start ttc September 2016 as I have my final course to do for work this year until summer and it will take up most evenings and weekends. I'm still very much happy with that plan but like I say, my head seems intent on freaking me out with regular 'are you sure???????' interruptions!

Hearing from you ladies has helped a lot though, my friends and my oh's friends are all pregnant/parents and when I've asked them the 'how did you know for sure' question they all said 'you will just know, you will definitely know'. So I kind of assumed it must be like that for everyone and I was waiting for it to happen but in reality it could just be how it happened for that group of people. I hope anyway!

I think ntnp would be the perfect way for me to start letting go a little though so I'd like to do that in September I think, hopefully I will end up like a chilled out go with the flow mummy like you

 

[Scarlett P]

Well, I wouldn't say I was chilled out.... more than I'm more chilled out than I used to be, so I'm probably like an average person now but yes, defo wasn't expecting that.

No, defo think it's normal. I'm super happy we've now agreed a date to ttc, but I'm still get moments where I'm worried about it cos it's a huge thing after all.

And remember, it doesn't always happen straight away (but hopefully it will for you!) and 9 months is a long time. I think feeling you LO move inside you really starts getting your head into parent mode, in a way it's easier for us than our OH's because we're the ones that carry the baba!

Hope your course works and exams are going well so far, sounds like a very busy time for you atm xx

 

[MindUtopia]

For us, it was once we felt like we had done all the fun selfish things we felt like we needed to before we added a child to the mix (meaning frankly that you don't get to do fun selfish things with any regularity anymore). We had many years of staying out late and traveling and just thinking about ourselves. It wasn't at all about saving money or owning a house (we have a 2.5 year old and don't plan to buy for a couple more years), but it was more about feeling like we'd 'done it all' and were ready for a different pace of life.

That was part of it. But it was also just from a practical perspective, a good time for us to take a break and have a family. I was 31 when I got pregnant and we knew we'd want 2, with a break of about 3-4 years between them, so we didn't want to wait much longer than that given my age. I really wanted to be done having babies by 35 (as it turns out, I may just be able to squeeze the second one in the month I turn 36 or just after). And I was in year 4 of a 6-7 year PhD program. It was a good time to take a break, take some time off from my degree, and then go back to it once my maternity leave was up. So just the timing made sense to us. Had we waited any longer, I would have needed to graduate first, so I'd only be getting pregnant this past year, which would have meant having our first at 35. I just didn't want to wait that long when we could have done it earlier.

I really do sort of thing you just 'know'. I just felt like it was a good time and I didn't feel like I was giving anything up by being pregnant or becoming a mum (of course, you are. You give up loads! I haven't slept past 7am in 2.5 years!). But I was just ready for a new pace of life and a new chapter, so it felt like the right time. But though I am someone who does put a lot of effort into preparing for things, I tend not to overthink them, so if you feel you're someone who tends to overthink things and go back and forth on a decision, you may just not ever feel you're totally ready, but you might feel you're ready enough. It is to a certain extent just a leap of faith. You never know what it will be like until you're doing it. And you just find a way to make it work. But I would maybe just talk with your husband, decide amongst yourselves if there is anything you want to do before you get pregnant (one last time traveling, going to a festival you always wanted to go to, having weekends away together, skydiving, etc!). Then you might more practically be able to tick those things off the list and feel more ready. If you don't have anything on your list, you might just be more ready than you realise you are.

 

[xxJessxx]

Thank you, Scarlett. We are really busy and I thought we wouldn't even have time to think about ttc until we actually were ttc but it's strange how things happen isn't it. I find myself stalking baby forums when I should be writing a paper or reading up woooops!

MindUtopia, thank you for your reply. I found your post really interesting, I find I'm always planning things around my studies and thinking I need to have accomplished everything I want to, in terms of studying, before I start a family. Knowing that you managed to have a baby mid PhD is really inspirational!

Getting all of the 'selfish' things out of the way is something we decided a few years back after we saw a couple of our friends settle really quickly after getting together and explaining to us how much they felt they missed out on. It's obviously not the same for everyone who chooses that route I know. But lately, all of the things we had planned to do before we ttc we want to do with our child/children lol. Like seeing certain things in the world, going to fun places (not like clubs or raving, if that's still a thing). We've found ourselves spending days out that would be ideal to take kids on, recently we visited a 4D Ice Age experiences and we were the only adults without children. We got some odd looks so my oh decided to pretend to call for our imaginary child as we left!

Perhaps I am just living in my head a bit too much, I'd love to let go a little and really look forward to ttc.

 

[xstitcher87]

I have been thinking about this question for a few days since you posted it. I am currently WTT #1 (Only 3.5 months to go!).

My husband and I finally came to a decision about starting our family now because the physical and emotional desire (for me in particular) was really overwhelming. This may sound weird, but despite ALL the worries (will we ever travel overseas again? Will we have enough money? Will we ever buy a house of our own?) when we look inside our hearts, it just FEELS right.

We figure there will be no perfect time and with my family history of infertility we figure that sooner is probably better than later (especially if we face issues). People have children all the time in all sorts of circumstances. You make do with what you have.

Good luck My only advice is to be mindful of your logical brain, but follow your heart.

 

[xxJessxx]

Hi Stitcher :wave:

Only 3.5 months to go, how exciting!! I hope it all goes amazingly well for you and your husband. I kind of know what you mean about the desire becoming overwhelming, I definitely have days where I feel consumed by the need/want to just get started ttc but then seem to talk myself out of it. Your advice to follow your heart is beautiful and I so wish I could do that, maybe by the time we do ttc I will have conquered it and told my brain to keep out of it lol.

I know what you mean about people making it work in all sorts of different circumstances. I'm ashamed to say I've been a little jealous of a couple of our friends who got together and fell pregnant almost straight after without having any plans to do so, it was very unlike me but I just felt like grrrr I wish I could do that (obviously not meet another man and get pregnant quickly lol).

My husband's group of friends seemed to follow a near similar 'path', so to speak, they got engaged, married, pregnant around the same time as each other so it has ended up with all kids being a similar age, or soon to be. Whereas hub and I have been together much longer than the majority of them and married longer so we often face the 'what's with the no babies yet??' questions. We both always say things like 'we will when we're ready' or 'when the time is right' but that generally leads to more questions I don't think that has helped much with my overactive thinking lol but I'm definitely confident enough to answer 'soon' or 'hopefully next year' now, so that is progress!