Newbie

[blaitney]

Hi everyone,

New on the forun but know a close friend has had a lot of support here and needed to vent...sorry!!

My daughters Dad and I split up when our daughter was 1, my decision, I wasn't happy with our relationship or his relationship with his family (Mummy says jump... you get the point) I was always made out to be lazy and goldigging because I hadn't gone back to work and we were having huge monthly rows which basically consisted of me being told I was a terrible person, girlfriend and mother.
When we split he rendered us homeless by handing in notice on our rented property (my name wasn't on the lease) luckily the rental market was slow and the landlady let us stay on a week to week basis while we waited to be housed by the local authorities.

He'd always been a good Dad and was keen to see our daughter as much as possible, every day actually so I allowed him too, my view was that so many mum's have a hard time trying to get Dad's to see their kids, why should I complain that he wanted to see his?! I have a horse so kind of worked well that he would have her for dinner after work while I went to tend to the horse. All happy.

I told him I didn't want our daughter passed about from pillar to post as this is un-settling for her, she's only 2 and a half and usually comes home shattered after a wekend with him and actually more often than not, sick! I told him if he couldn't have her any night to let me know so I could make sure she could stay with me instead of going to his parents. (they see her every weekend anyway, I'm not denying they can see her, just that she doesn't stay overnight there)

Anyway, things have been up and down and we are now both in new relationships with a pending relocation for myself and our daughter 450 miles away he's talking about custody.

I recently started working too and treasure every minute I get to spend with little princess.

His relationship is newer than mine and since he's been in it he's suddenly gone all secretive and last night I had to find out due to passing him on the road that our daughter was with his parents and not, as I'd been told 2 hours previous, staying with him. Don't understand the reason for the lies and was furious with him so went to pick up my daughter only to be told by his mother that I only have my daughter when it suits me!!! Where exactly does she think my daughter is all day every day?? All that pressure to go back to work before I was ready and now I have they throw it my face that she has to go to nursery a couple of days a week???? I just can't seem to get anything right

She tried to stop me taking my daughter and insisted on phoning her son (daughters dad) to 'check it was ok' before letting me take her. I was furious!!!!

So now I'm thinking if they have such a low opinion of me and clearly aren't afraid to voice that in front of my daughter then should they see her at all??? I know that's harsh and I'm trying not to be emotional about it (as hard as that is!) the other point to bear in mind is that I don't see my ex's parents so their 'new?' opinion of me must be based on what my daughters Dad is telling them...

I've done everything to try and be fair and allow him to spend as much time as he wants with his daughter, even cancelling my plans with her because he's told me last minute that he wanted to see her, I've bent over backwards for him only to find a knife in my back it seems.

Sorry, this is really long, what a rant. Appreciate anyone reading let alone replying xxxx

 

[Rhio92]

Huge hun
I'm Rhiannon and am a single mummy to 6 mo Connor x

 

[littlekitten8]

Sounds very much like he is spending all of his time slagging you off and not actually being a parent. I would be tempted to stop contact until you can sort out some proper arrangements. Its not fair for them to be accusing you of only having your daughter when you feel like it when actually you are the main caregiver. If he is being this petty then hes obviously not a very responsible adult. Keep your chin up and if you need to chat just PM me

 

[blaitney]

Thank you for the replies and well done for getting through that mammoth post!

We had a proper talk this morning and he knows he was wrong for not telling me our daughter would be at his parents overnight, is it so wrong to want to know where she is??

I told him what his mother had said to me and he jumped to her defence (sadly always been the way and the cause of our relationship breakdown) saying that I was taking things the wrong way and was 'over-reacting'. I'n the end we had to agree to dis-agree about his mother and agreed that he would continue with his normal routine of seeing his daughter daily but only if this suited him and he didn't see it as a burden. I asked him to tell me if ever he couldn't have her so that I could have her or organise childcare and I asked- again- that our daughter doesn't stay at his parents house and doesn't go to his parents house unless he's with her.

I know full well that his nasty mother wouldn't say anything in front of him but dread to think what she might say to other people hen he isn't around infront of my daughter. I did my research and told him that if I find out he goes behind my back that he will end up with every other weekend (which would kill him, he dotes on our daughter and hasn't missed a day since she was born) and that his parents wouldn't see her as although they can take me through the courts for contact with her by law I don't have to honour it.

Think that made him think a bit and though I can't change his mother or his attitude towards his mother i can try to make things a little less stressful for the poor 2 year old who just seems to get passed around like a parcel and doesn't need to be hearing anyone in her family saying anything bad about anyone else.

 

[Strawberrymum]

I'm Jemma a single mum to my 17 month old daughter

 

[TiredNurse27]

That granny sounds like a piece of work. If he couldn't have her for the night he should have given her back to you.

It's hard enough being away from your child while you're at work and then having them away from you further still to visit their dad. Any time that isn't work/daddy time should be mummy time not horrible old granny time.

Tell him you're letting HIM see her and if he doesn't want to spend the time with her you'll take her back until he can find time in his busy schedule for her.

 

[laurajo24]

I'm in a very similar situation

Just remember, your ex is only telling his mum what he wants to. He is her son and she will believe every word that comes out of his mouth, even if its a load of crap!!

No advice really as i'm in a bit of a pickle about it all too but i really do understand.

I'm Laura, 26 and mummy to Harry x

 

[Avalanche]

That granny sounds like a piece of work. If he couldn't have her for the night he should have given her back to you.

It's hard enough being away from your child while you're at work and then having them away from you further still to visit their dad. Any time that isn't work/daddy time should be mummy time not horrible old granny time.

Tell him you're letting HIM see her and if he doesn't want to spend the time with her you'll take her back until he can find time in his busy schedule for her.

She is, she's horrible. I'm blaitney's friend and agree with your post.

When she's not with Daddy, she should be with Mummy and if Gran wants time with her grand-daughter then that's part of 'daddy time'. LO should never have been left at Gran's while he went out (for a night or a weekend, blaitney had no idea!) without her Mum knowing. Blaitney had been working, that could have been her time with her LO.

 

[keystone17]

Sounds like my story!

 

[Kacie]

These FOBs really wind me up sometimes.

It's great that he dotes on your daughter but he needs to be honest with you as to where she is spending her time when she is supposed to be with him... And the added secrecy now he's in a relationship isn't good either... If you can't trust him to be honest about your daughter's whereabouts then how can you know she is safe?

As for custody.. don't worry too much about that, just deal with it if it comes up.. it would be a rough time through courts etc.. but I have always been told that no court will favour a father over a mother unless there are extreme reasons to do so so you'll be fine.

With regards to inlaws and what they will say infront of LO, I think there is very little we can do about this. I know for a fact that my FOB is lying about me and bad mouthing me to absolutely anyone who will listen, and I know this is done a lot when he has DD and is taking her to visit his friends/family. Nothing I can do about it but I do know that there will come a day when she will be able to repeat it all back to me and then I can put my foot down about it..

I hope it works out ok for you. I think it's best to take it all one step at a time. My friend had some very good advice for me when solicitors got involved in my case...

Deal with everything that is on paper and let all the rest go over your head.

 

[blaitney]

That granny sounds like a piece of work. If he couldn't have her for the night he should have given her back to you.

It's hard enough being away from your child while you're at work and then having them away from you further still to visit their dad. Any time that isn't work/daddy time should be mummy time not horrible old granny time.

Tell him you're letting HIM see her and if he doesn't want to spend the time with her you'll take her back until he can find time in his busy schedule for her.

That's just it, he doesn't see it that I'm 'letting' him see her or even just how good he's got it, he tells me we have equal rights to our daughter and that he shouldn't be mucked about with rules (the fact that I now wont let our daughter be at his parents without him) The only time I've ever asked if she could stay at his parents was when I was away for a few days but I don't think she should stay there for the odd night here and there, whenever it suits him as it just un-settles her. She comes back tired after every weekend anyway and quite often ILL!!

 

[blaitney]

I'm in a very similar situation

Just remember, your ex is only telling his mum what he wants to. He is her son and she will believe every word that comes out of his mouth, even if its a load of crap!!

No advice really as i'm in a bit of a pickle about it all too but i really do understand.

I'm Laura, 26 and mummy to Harry x

As much as I think he's been awful recently I still don't believe that he could 'bad mouth' me to anyone, despite being told by people who have overheard it. Guess I'll have to stop trying to see the best in him and start seeing him for what he is.

He's now saying that if our daughter isn't allowed to see his parents then she shouldn't be allowed to see my boyfriend as my current boyfriend is his ex-friend. (complicated long story, certainly no cheating and a situation we tried to avoid but at the end of the day, you can't help who you fall in love with) as he says he could be 'bad mouthing' him to our daughter.

Just a horrible situation. Have spoken to him a couple of times and we've 'sorted' things so we're both happy-ish but part of me is now thinking that perhaps mediation would have been a good idea rather than trying to avoid it through fear.

 

[blaitney]

These FOBs really wind me up sometimes.

It's great that he dotes on your daughter but he needs to be honest with you as to where she is spending her time when she is supposed to be with him... And the added secrecy now he's in a relationship isn't good either... If you can't trust him to be honest about your daughter's whereabouts then how can you know she is safe?

As for custody.. don't worry too much about that, just deal with it if it comes up.. it would be a rough time through courts etc.. but I have always been told that no court will favour a father over a mother unless there are extreme reasons to do so so you'll be fine.

With regards to inlaws and what they will say infront of LO, I think there is very little we can do about this. I know for a fact that my FOB is lying about me and bad mouthing me to absolutely anyone who will listen, and I know this is done a lot when he has DD and is taking her to visit his friends/family. Nothing I can do about it but I do know that there will come a day when she will be able to repeat it all back to me and then I can put my foot down about it..

I hope it works out ok for you. I think it's best to take it all one step at a time. My friend had some very good advice for me when solicitors got involved in my case...

Deal with everything that is on paper and let all the rest go over your head.

Great advice, thank you very much. It's far too easy to let everything become very emotional. When it comes to my daughter I'm prone to 'Rottweiler with a sore head' moments!

All I've asked of him is to let me know where she's going to be and if he can't have her for any reason, work, going out etc then could he please ask me first if I can have her before making other arrangements.

I've also now asked if I can keep her at home on a Friday night (he used to have her Fri and Sat nights) as he now has her at least one night through the week when I'm working late and it also gives him a weekend night to make plans for going out.

He agreed with all that and then started fussing about drop-off and pick-up times for the evenings through the week (he has her every night for dinner) he can finish anytime between 4-5:30 and he just texts me when he's finishing to arange me dropping her off/him picking her up and then I dare to ask for half an hours flexiblity with picking her up, apparently 7:30-8 isn't good enough and I should be there at 7:30. Now, with the light evenings and 3 horses it's not like I don't have things to do with my free time, what does half an hour matter?? Seems like I have to bend over backwards for him but I'm not allowed to ask for anything.

As I've said to Avalanche in person (crying on her shoulder ) I'd rather be the bigger person and let her see her Dad everyday whatever the circumstances and that way she (hopefully) wont become one of those children that see there Dad once a month (or less) and idolises him and then decides she wants to go live with him later on.

Playing the long game!!