Not again. (Please don't respond if you can't be kind!)

[JoHio]

I have had 3 beautiful, easy pregnancies and deliveries, but around this same point (6,7,8 months), the poop hits the fan with me mentally. As I write this, I am having a beer to calm myself down. (Please don't judge, I KNOW alcohol is not a cure for ANYTHING.) I've also sent my 2 non-school aged kids to the sitters for the morning so I could just "relax". I managed a 20 minute nap, but then woke up when I thought I heard the sitter (who's just across the street), opening my door to drop them off. It wasn't her, of course; it was no one. I wasn't even sleeping that deeply. I never do. I'm always in that liminal space where you're not totally out, but not totally awake either.

I am nursing still (again, please no comments about the beer), and am a nutritionist, personal trainer and yoga instructor. I know logically this must be some sort of PND, and I try to eat and fuel my body with only good food and I exercise almost daily (it may actually be too much, since I love higher intensity stuff), and I own my own business so have never gone on maternity leave (back answering emails/calls within hours of birth), and I basically think I am having a nervous breakdown.

Oh, and my husband works from 1pm until 3am everyday, BUT (good news!), we've found him a new job locally where he'll work 7am until 3:30pm, so it won't be me and 3 kids under 4 home all afternoon and evening together.

And that's the witching hours for me. I am good (or OK) and can actually be or force myself to be positive in the morning, but come 1 or 2pm, I'm fading fast.

I am generally anti-medication unless necessary, but since I thought this was sorta getting out of hand, I agreed with my doctor's advice and have tried Lorazepam. HOWEVER, it is not really meant to be taken everyday, and unless I do, I find myself jittery, not sleeping even more, and even more anxious and depressed. I have tried a series of anti-depressants and they're all having the same effect. So I am not taking anything anymore.

I guess I am not looking for advice as much as wondering if anyone else has experienced this, honestly. It is hard for me to admit, because logically I KNOW exercising like a maniac to up my endorphins or drinking (in any amount, and I have resisted trying to justify myself on this one since I don't think I should have to, but I DO want to mention I am not drinking everyday, all day or an obscene amount, I just know when it comes to anxiety, you shouldn't do it AT ALL) or obsessing about how I am failing, not enough, messing everything up, etc, etc, is not cool and utterly counter-productive.
SO, again, I would appreciate answers from a loving place, ladies. Sometimes, just not feeling alone is empowering.

As I said, this is hard for me to admit. I've always prided myself on being able to muscle my way through anything...and I can't. Not this.

 

[Rhio92]

Hi I'm not really sure what to say but I'm just letting you know that you're not only one. I normally have mild depression and anxiety but when I got to 6 months pregnant I took a massive Down turn. I had support from a mental health nurse which helped for a while until I reached 34 weeks pregnant. At this point my anxiety got so bad that I started hallucinating and had to be admitted to the mother and baby mental health unit. Whilst there I tried a number of different medications until we found two that went well together. The medication is safe for pregnancy and breastfeeding. Yes there are risks but in my case the benefits definitely outweighed the risks. Don't be afraid to try different medication. I was discharged from hospital when my baby was four weeks old. I am still on medication and have good and bad days but things are getting better.

Don't worry about drinking beer, I am breastfeeding too and I like to drink wine beer on occasion! there's no harm in it so try not to worry we are not here to judge either.

Hope things start looking up for you soon stay strong you are doing great 😊

 

[NotNic]

With my first I was mentally and physically exhausted at 6-7mths pp. My hair was still falling out and I was dog tired. My Oh was no help either. I didn't go to the drs but my gut feeling was that my hormones were screwy (I swapped back to my old bc pills which helped), and I was anemic so I started eating better. I also intended to get my thyroid levels checked but never quite managed it. Could it be this is something more than pnd and something medical?

 

[misspriss]

Beer or wine or the occasional drink is not contradicted during breastfeeding, especially an older child (not a newborn).

I also fade in the afternoon, usually around 3pm for me, so by the time DH comes home there is nothing left but a crazy exhausted wife.

I do think you probably are going too hard, no maternity leave at all? Back to working within hours of birth? You need time to recover, I hope you can find some time to rest now!

I also have been prescribed benzos for anxiety, I know it causes more anxiety worrying about taking them too often. I also avoid using them everyday.

 

[wildchic]

I know how you feel!
I'm breast feeding my twins and I've got no help with them! I cry everyday for 10 minutes or more and I've no reason why. Not sure if I'm suffering from PPD as I haven't been to the doctor yet.
I don't have the stress of work as you do,but can imagine how busy things are for you.

I've read that drinking wine/beer while breast feeding is okay, so no judging!

Hope things are a bit better now!

 

[JoHio]

Thank you ladies. My main problem with drinking beer/wine is that I am using it to escape AND I used to drink WAAAAY too much during my misspent youth (before I had kids) so I am very weary of my relationship with alcohol. I am going to see my doctor this week about getting on meds of some description. I am weepy often, I obsessive over things, my older kids are noticing that Mommy is not well, and I honestly often feel they'd all be better off without me.

I have Ativan and I usually only take half or a quarter of a dose (which is really low to begin with), and it helps, but I am taking it every second day almost, if not everyday, and I while there isn't anything wrong with this (my doctor says to do what I need to do to get by), it is not the same as an anti-depressant, which is made to be taken everyday.

I think part of my problem is that some days I am totally fine, so I don't feel like I *need* anything. But on the days I'm not - watch out!

So, I am going to get on some meds and see if that helps even things out. I know it is not a panacea - I will still have to do some work on my own - but there has GOT to be something wild going on with my hormones. As many of you said, there is nothing wrong with drinking now and then, but I want to escape ALL the time, and that simply won't do.

 

[TCK_Runner]

You're not alone. I have severe anxiety right now for 1-2 weeks each month, I think they're part of my hormones going nuts... it's been happening since February or so and makes me feel like I'm just losing it. I feel kind of.. "crazy" and can't sleep or can't sleep well at this point. I'm also suffering from headaches, muscle tension, etc all related to the anxiety. Last night I cried for no good reason except feeling overwhelmed and extreme anxiety... it's worse because I'm supposed to travel alone with my 15 month old next week. I don't know what to do at this point... any recommendations? Resources or recommendations for medications? I already do yoga, I exercise (yoga and jog 3-4 x per week for half an hour), I take supplements (multivitamin, Vitamin D and calcium because I was told D was low in a blood test a month ago, trying to get better about iron supplements). I'm in Germany at the moment, so I don't know who to contact. And I have no idea who can test my hormone levels....

Feeling lost....

 

[JoHio]

You're not alone. I have severe anxiety right now for 1-2 weeks each month, I think they're part of my hormones going nuts... it's been happening since February or so and makes me feel like I'm just losing it. I feel kind of.. "crazy" and can't sleep or can't sleep well at this point. I'm also suffering from headaches, muscle tension, etc all related to the anxiety. Last night I cried for no good reason except feeling overwhelmed and extreme anxiety... it's worse because I'm supposed to travel alone with my 15 month old next week. I don't know what to do at this point... any recommendations? Resources or recommendations for medications? I already do yoga, I exercise (yoga and jog 3-4 x per week for half an hour), I take supplements (multivitamin, Vitamin D and calcium because I was told D was low in a blood test a month ago, trying to get better about iron supplements). I'm in Germany at the moment, so I don't know who to contact. And I have no idea who can test my hormone levels....

Feeling lost....

I feel ya, hon! I work out almost everyday, meditate, do yoga, try my best to sleep, take supplements and I am still struggling - hence the meds. I simply cannot out-think this. My doctor prescribed me Sertraline today, so I will see how that goes - keep you posted. (I am on a low dose because I am nursing still and my hubby and I have not decided we are definitely done having kids.)

When I was prego with all three of my babes, I was fine. Hormonal now and then, sure but not out of control. 2 or 3 months post-partum, it seems the poop hits the fan.

 

[Breezy]

I take that. It's a god send. I started during the beginning of my pregnancy because I was an anxious mess with all the hormones thrown in there. Good luck!!!

 

[JoHio]

I take that. It's a god send. I started during the beginning of my pregnancy because I was an anxious mess with all the hormones thrown in there. Good luck!!!

Thanks for letting me know someone else takes this! And that it is safe to take with pregnancy. We are not planning on any more kids right now, but if it happened, I'd feel better knowing my meds aren't dangerous for baby.

So far (it's been a week) the meds are fine - no side effect except making me sleepy, which is OK since I was told to take them at bed time. I did go through some unpleasant Ativan withdrawals - since as I mentioned, I was taking it frequently - but that seems to be over now. I know the meds won't kick in for at least another week, so I am trying to be patient with myself. Not a strong suit for a gal with anxiety issues!

Thanks again for replying.