Not sure I want to adopt please no judgement

[3xscharmer]

So here's the story: I lost my son Zane at 17 weeks in September, a couple months before that my 1st cousin (we'll call him K) went into foster care and at that time we were unable to take him as I was newly pregnant and high risk due to the six miscarriages I'd had before my son. Well, after we lost Zane, my dh and I were discussing weather or not we wanted to try again and then we remembered K was in foster care and started discussing taking him to possibly adopt. Well, my Aunt (we'll call her Aunt A) adopted his two siblings and so we figured we would seek her advice since she had first hand experience in this. Well, she of course was really excited and pushing for us to get K...so I made the call and it was not very informative, the SW would not give any info and was very short and not at all receptive to me. So I talked it over with Aunt A and I was so back and forth and worried and finally decided and Aunt A agreed that maybe we shouldn't take him, so we started trying again and then the SW calls Aunt A and she comes running over to my house all a-flutter telling me that I needed to call if we wanted to get K and I told her that I would call but that we had already started trying and that if we were pregnant that we wouldn't get him (we only want two kids and again I would be high risk). Well I wasn't pregnant and I was upset and as Aunt A keeps reminding me "you might never be able to have another child, look at what you've been through, your track records not that good and you might end up losing another child later in pregnancy again" so naturally I felt like if we want to have another child that adoption was the only way...until yesterday when we got a BFP and I knew there was no way I would be able to take K and he is two and so is DD and with my DH working out of town three weeks out of every month, there's just no way I could take care of two two year olds while having a high-risk pregnancy...and then I started to bleed, looks like it was a chemical. I'm heartbroken, I didn't expect to be so excited to be pregnant again but I was and now I'm even more confused, it's not that we don't want K, but DH and I only have the room and finances for two...and to be perfectly honest here, I'm not sure I'm ready for K OR FOR another baby, I am still very much in grief and dh and I are constantly tripping up and calling K by our son's name. It's only been 5 months since I lost my son and I am just really confused and grieving and I fill like the biggest POS on earth because I really don't think that adopting K will be good for us or for him right now. Of course there is NO one else in the family who can take him except for my aunt and uncle who chain smoke in their house and then there's the issue that K's mom (my other aunt) did drugs while she was pregnant and it's not that I wouldn't love him if he were disabled physically or mentally, but if he is disabled emotionally...well, I'm an emotional wreck on my own. I really feel so guilty about this because Aunt A was still pushing for us to get K when I told her I was pregnant talking about how she went from 1 child to 3 and she did it...but she was living with my grandparents at the time and they were paying her bills for her and she didn't have a freaking mortgage to pay. I don't know what I want, I know that I may never be able to carry another child, but I also know that I really want to experience pregnancy and breastfeeding again and I know that I may regret not getting K too. I don't know where to turn here, 3 is not an option for us we don't have the room and neither of us really want more than 2 children and DH has said if we do adopt, he's going to get a vasectomy and now I feel like I have to make a choice between K or possibly having another one, when really right now I don't want to do either. Please help and please try not to be too harsh, I am very emotional and confused right now and I want to make the right decision and I feel guilty just thinking about leaving K in the system. Thanks for listening.

 

[3xscharmer]

Thought I'd clarify, K is not yet in our care but according to the SW big things are happening and his mother has a court date later this month where he will suggest to the judge that K be placed with us. And the aunt and uncle who are chainsmokers smoke inside and K has a problem with his asauphagus (spelling) and that would not be healthy for him.

 

[ipen44]

You have a lot on your plate!!

I think what you already know what you would like to do, but being pressured by family is getting to you. It sounds like you have already decided that you will be a family of 4. The next addition you are hopeful will be a biological infant and you do not want to close that door forever. There is no shame in making your own decisions and choosing what is right for your family. Every family has the right to decide what is best for them. Your family member being irresponsible and losing her children does not need to have an impact on you.

If you felt a strong bond for the child (K) and were hoping to adopt him, you should pursue it. Otherwise, I think you should acknowledge your true feelings and tell your family (your aunt) that this will just not work out for you.

I promise you that there is a couple who are longing to parent K. He is very young. I had foster children and it did break my heart that they went back home. When that happened, I promised that I would stay in contact so that I could be of some help to them as they got older. Just because you do not parent K does not mean you will lose any potential relationship with him ever.

Best wishes. Try to get some sleep and relax so that can think clearly.

 

[3xscharmer]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I've only seen K once over a year ago so I really don't even know him, I do know what he looks like as I have seen pictures but (and I hate to say this) he's basically a stranger to me as he lives in another state and I have NO contact with his mother. DH wants to try for another baby of our own but will support me no matter what. I feel like we're only 25 and we should have years to think about what we want but it's really a now or never situation with K...I'm hoping that if I think about it and sleep on it like you suggested that things will become clearer. Thanks again, this really helps.

 

[3xscharmer]

Dh and I have sat down and talked about it we have decided that neither of us think it's fair to bring K into this situation with both of us still in grief and risk the possibility that we may be emotionally unavailable. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and while I still feel very selfish for not getting him, I also feel that it would be selfish to parent him right now. I called aunt A and she was okay with it, I imagine she is upset, but she raised me and is more of my mother than anyone else and I know that while she may not understand my reasons, she loves me anyway. I hope that someday she will be able to understand that I am truly incapable of making a life changing decision like this while I am still in so much pain. As far as ttc, dh and I have no immediate plans and are going to take it day by day as I feel that I no-longer have a deadline. Of course next month may find me in the ttc section but who knows when we will be ready and eventually some day I may be back here going down the adoption path but right now we just aren't there. I am going to call the SW in the morning and inform him and pray that I am able to express myself to him in a way that he understands that this just isn't right for us right now and that it has nothing to do with us just not wanting K, only that we feel that it is not the best thing for him right now. Thank you so much for listening and for your advice during this difficult time.

 

[Rainbow82]

It's such a difficult situation but I'm glad that you've made your decision, we were in a similar situation 2.5 years ago but there were three children aged 2 months, 1 year and 3 years old, we went through initial assessment but then realised that it would be impossible unless one if us gave up work for at least two years, we would need to move to a much bigger house and realistically we wouldn't have been able to have any bio kids. All the kids went for adoption and unfortunately they are still waiting, we think about them all the time but it wouldn't have been right for us to take them then. I still feel guilty sometimes but im still confident it was the right decision. We haven't been able to have any kids so far and are starting to look at adoption although I think it will be a while before we are ready to make the initial call, I hope that not being able to take the children at that point doesn't stop us adopting in future but if it does I dint think I'll regret doing what was right fir the children at that time.
I'm sure your aunt will realise it was tge right decision it takes time but for us family did understand after a while and im sure yours will too. Good luck ttc.

 

[3xscharmer]

Thank you so much Rainbow, it's nice to hear from someone who's been in that situation. It really is a hard decision and I really really really hope that I made the right one. I imagine I will feel guilty for a while but I'm hoping that once they get his parents rights terminated, K will be adopted out quickly and to a wonderful home. I feel at peace with my decision though, I have struggled with this from the start and am not sure that K was meant to be ours...I mean if he were I thought we would have that conviction but instead we've been back and forth for the past couple of months. Thank you everyone for your help and for being so kind to me in this difficult situation. I wish you all luck in your journeys!

 

[3xscharmer]

Called the sw and it went well. I think they really understood where I was coming from and didn't sound judgemental. They asked me to check around with family to see if anyone could take him and Aunt A told me that another family member who adopted K's last sibling has been interested in adopting K as well...I really hope she decides to go through with it, Aunt A has 2 siblings and this person would have 2 as well and while in different states, they would grow up with at least a bio sibling apiece. I feel like I did the right thing here, I thought I would feel a crushing sense of failure or guilt, but I feel better for making the call and now know that this truly was not meant to be. I hope that in the future if I make the decision to adopt, it will be on my own terms and after I am able to heal and be at peace with my infertility journey. THank you all so much for being so kind and for all the support and advice. Again I wish you luck in your journey, wherever it may lead you.

 

[ipen44]

Glad you have come to a decision and feel at peace with it. You are so very young, I hated to see you give up your dream of another biological child. It looks like closing this door on your end, may have opened another door for K.

There are more and more groups who are working to end the long wait of foster children to be adopted. One I really like is "wait no more". My husband and I have thought about adopting older children--a sibling group. It is hard. I do feel guilt for wanting to raise a newborn (at least for my first child) rather than to raise older children. When I really think and pray on it, I know that it is natural for a woman to want to hold and raise a baby. God has given us that impulse and no guilt is needed. The idea that since I am fertility challenged does not mean that I do not have the right to hope and dream like all other women. The same goes for you.

Of course, if God strongly tugged me toward a specific sibling group, I would look more deeply into it. Blessings for you, your family, and little K.