Not sure where to post this, argument with spouse over responsibilities

[honey915]

So I posted this morning somewhere else about how exhausted I am raising all three kids effectively by myself and felt it was necessary to once again discuss the issues with my partner, so I did and we got into a row. I got a bit tearful. Not overly at all just a bit upset and he mocked me and pretended to cry himself like a baby. I guess because he thought I shouldn't be crying and basically invalidating the way I felt. He also said 'look at the state of you'

I walked out because I was so angry about the way he mocked me and made me feel really stupid for being emotional. I thought to myself, he's done this before... slot. It always makes me feel like sh..
I raised a valid argument because I basically raise our three children by myself as he works all week (which he can't help) but dedicates the evenings and weekends to friends and fishing and never even eats dinner with us because he keeps eating kfc and McDonald's at work. I guess he can't help being hungry lol but it's just that it's all the time in the last 6months or so. I cook him dinner every night and it goes in the bin more or less every night. It's a bit hurtful you know that he doesn't even want to sit with us. We sleep in separate beds because I'm Co sleeping with dd who is two nearly. So we have slot of family issues but I feel I'm alone and our relationship is non existent.

Does anyone else have a similar situation going on.
The mocking thing has really got to me. Feeling really low.

 

[louisiana]

Stop making him dinner!!

And have a talk with him when you don't feel as emotional/knackered. Him mocking you is not on, what you are raising are very valid points.
Do you get nights out with your friends? Could be worth doing something for yourself if you don't already.

Not excusing his behaviour at all, but he may be feeling rejected as you co-sleep and just can't express his feelings about it.

 

[AngelUK]

Oh wow! Id have knocked his block off (figuratively speaking) if my OH had mocked me like that! I don't blame you for being angry! It does sound like you have made very valid points and from here it sounds like he has no time for his family at all. I would be questioning if something else is going on with him cause this disinterest is definitely not healthy for your relationship.
I second that you should try and sit down with him when you feel more calm and in control of your feelings and try to discuss it with him. Try not to sound accusatory in any way or he will be on the defensive and not listen (or at least in my experience). Maybe say you miss him.
But yeah, until this is resolved, stop making him dinner!
I hope you can work it out

 

[EcoMama]

He sounds awful!

 

[Quartz]

I said on your other thread he sounds awful, what do you get out of being with him as a partner. He should be eating the dinners you cook and spending time with his family. I have breastfed and coslept and its never once stopped OH being a good dad or husband

 

[honey915]

Thank-you all for replying and sorry it's so late. I agree that I should stop making him Dinner lol! I raised the issues at the weekend and he agreed to support me to get the kids into a better routine. I also agree that due to the Co sleeping he is feeling left out of the equation and is probably taking it out on me. He agreed to basically everything I said and apologised for mocking me. I had to explain why mocking me was so harsh and he said sorry although I'm not sure he really understood how hurtful it was. This week he's eaten dinner with us and helped put the little ones to bed and tomorrow night I'm going out with friends! While he starts the controlled crying again which I can't bare but know it's got to be tried again. If it doesn't work this time I will be uncontrollably crying ��

 

[Elli21]

Ask him..."what do you bring to the table?"
He will inevitably say money, but what else?

My husband works Monday to Friday, he leaves the house at 6am and he's home around 5. But he eats with us every night and he does help with the sprogs if needed in the evenings and he always spends the weekends with us.
He used to spend money on hot lunches each day but when we looked at how much money he was spending it stopped. He now spends a few quid extra on the weekly shop and takes food with him to eat.
I don't know what your financial position is like, but could you bring that up as a factor and maybe say you would pack him a lunch and he could eat with you all as a nice routine for the sprogs to see?

The mocking? No. I would tell him he looks like a complete fool for doing it, not to mention an inconsiderate prat.

 

[caz_hills]

Oh bless you that's awful.

I agree - sit down with him when it's less emotional. I also like writing stuff down as then you can read it back and edit it and he can see your words rather than you telling him emotionally.

Bringing money in is one thing but he sounds like he is living his life without thinking about the family. He eats at work, goes out at evenings, sleeps alone - that's no responsibility for you or the kids, it's all on you. And that's really tough.

Has he ever taken time off work and actually walked in your shoes and looked after everything and the kids? Maybe that would show him?

I relate a lot to what you've said. My husband works long hours and so I do everything at home and I find it tough. And very lonely. x

 

[george83]

My oh is sounds pretty similar. When things have reached breaking point between us I just stop doing any of his things - I don't cook for him, I put all his junk that's he's left laying around the house on his side of the bedroom, I don't do his washing or anything. I repeatedly say things to him like "I'm not your slave" but he never listens. It annoys me more now as I'm a teacher on school holidays and have crazy amounts of paperwork to get done but I'm up from 6 until 9 looking after the kids and then as the youngest two still wake up at night once they are in bed I'm shattered but im still expected to 'run' the house while he literally falls asleep on the sofa. I must have mug written on my head

 

[Wilsey]

Our deal (even before kids) was that he cooks and I do the washing. All other chores are to be shared. I work four days a week and basically do everything else. He pitches in with the kids but not really housework, unless I tell him to do something.

I got so sick of it that I just stopped cleaning up after him and the kids. I cleaned up after myself and I still did all the washing. But the house quickly turned into a pig sty. And it was actually rather liberating for me because I normally can't stand having the house messy. But he quickly realised how much I do in order to keep a tidy house. The million of little things I do a day just to keep things ticking over.

Now, although he still doesn't think 'oh that needs to be cleaned' he says 'is there anything you want me to get done on my day off?' and I give him a few things that would be helpful. Working for us. I still love it if he evolved to the point where he didn't need to ask, but it's better than nothing

Glad you guys talked and keep us posted with how you get on x

 

[honey915]

Thank-you all again for posting. We've hit a brick wall this time. This weekend was his birthday and I took him out all day we did lunch and had a nice day. We ended up back at the in laws for a BBQ. They are all big drinkers and were drinking all evening. I had work the next day so said I needed to leave with the kids about 8pm. Oh decided he was going out for drinks with his mates I said was fine but he had to be home because I had to be at work next day. I'm a nurse and in charge so can't just be late or not turn in. Ds 2 is nearly four. He said he wanted to sleep at in laws. I have to admit I was worried. He's never stayed away from home in his life and he had no clean clothes or pull ups wipes etc left in the changing bag. So I went along with it but I felt really sad. It was lumbered on me and I was quote upset. Everyone basically told me that was what was going to happen. They would have all the kids but I said no the baby has to come home she feeds through the night. So I was torn and went along with it. Mil totally condones him drinking and says I shouldn't work Sunday's cause he should be allowed a break!!!!! She gives me the impression I'm selfish for working Sunday's. So ds slept over and oh wants a lift to his mates. I said yes. I was really upset and cried because he coaxed it out of me seeing I was visibly upset as did his mother who said ds doesn't need me and will be totally fine without me. She likes to rub it in. Oh screamed and shouted and ended up pouring beer all over me in my car while I was driving and I slammed my breaks on and told him to get out and that I'd had enough of his vile spiteful behaviour. He didn't come home in the morning so I had to arrange a babysitter my mum for the other two kids!! He's ignored me since. When I got home last night ds had been dropped off and was still awake at 9pm in dirty clothes from day before. I'm at my wits end but I have nowhere to go. He owns the house. Outright and we're not married.

 

[Quartz]

You need to leave - he has crossed a line and is definitely being abusive. I would either go to your mums or contact womens aid. You are enititled to some financial maintenance from him as you have children together. Have you paid towards the mortgage in the house you could also get something there. I would see a solicitor as well to see what your rights are

 

[honey915]

There's no mortgage he owns it outright. I have contributed to work but I can't prove anything. I've paid towards the upkeep and obviously kept the place habitable. Mum is in a tiny box house and we can't stay there. I'm probably going to have to ride it out until I can save enough to leave

 

[Quartz]

I would see a solicitor and see exactly what your rights are and I would definitely contact womens aid as well as they could help.

Does he think he has crossed a line as well?

 

[caz_hills]

Oh no you poor thing. Firstly he should never treat you like that (you did the right thing asking him to get out of the car). Secondly, has he forgotten he is a dad?! He doesn't turn up today. He goes out and drinks when you're working. Hun you poor thing. Massive virtual hugs.

Id get some legal / financial advice. Not sure where you live but in the Uk we have the citizens advice bureau or google it. I'm sure someone must be able To advise you high level on the situation. So tough.

Hang on in there - for the kids and yourself and you will be strong I'm sure x

 

[AngelUK]

Get legal advice please! He is soo over the line! At least find out what your rights are and where you stand. Just cover your back! Tons of hugs! That sounds so bad!

 

[Wilsey]

That's terrible behaviour! I'm so sorry you're going through this. As said by pp, I would definitely try and get some free legal advice and find out what you're rights are.

Has he shown his face at home yet?

 

[Natasha2605]

I'd also get legal advice. His behaviour is disgraceful and abusive. Massive xx

 

[jd83]

I think you need to be contacting a lawyer for some legal advice on how to protect yourself and your kids going forward. This sounds like the situation is rapidly getting worse, and he clearly doesn't seem to care about his duty as a father or to you. You don't want him to just kick you out with no plan of where to go, just to be spiteful. Please be looking into options of how to protect yourself and your kids if something like that happens. Honestly, I'd be proactively looking to get out ASAP. He sounds abusive. Mentally and physically. You don't deserve that, and neither do your children.

 

[Elli21]

I agree, I would leave.
He is continuously disrespecting you, using you as a taxi and pouring beer on you and then him having the nerve to act like he's angry with you and ignoring you? No.

Your mum may only have a tiny house but you and your children could camp in the living room, for a week or two, then move forwards from there.
He cannot see you as someone he can treat that way and I wouldn't want my children to see that this is a normal way to be treated or to treat someone else.