OH still not ready - I don't know what to do

[Belgiansunset]

Hi everyone, I'm brand new to this forum. I'm feeling really down and need some support.

I'm 30 and have been with my partner (who's 35) for 6 years. Early on in our relationship (within the first year) he was keen on having kids, kept saying he didn't want to be an old dad, and wanted us to start soonish. I said I wouldn't be ready till about 30. He was always trying to persuade me to make it 29, 28 etc.

A lot of our friends have started having babies, some of them a few years younger than us. I now feel ready to start a family. But now he says he's not ready yet, and has no memory of our conversations a few years ago. This is so frustrating!

I keep telling him that it can take a long time to conceive, and that the further into my 30s I get, the harder it will be. But now every time I bring it up, he accuses me of nagging and doesn't want to listen.

It feels really unfair because before he was the one who seemed ready. He's saying he won't be ready for a couple more years, although he won't be very specific about when.

The timing for me would be perfect now, I've reached a natural ending point in my job, we are financially secure, and for the first time I feel a genuine longing for a baby. I always wanted 3, and I'm worried if we leave it too late there won't be time for 3! Also two of my friends had early miscarriages and I'm worried this will happen to me and delay things even further.

I know there's no real answer because obviously I can't force him to be ready, and I know he will be eventually. But right now I feel completely gutted, and I can no longer talk to him about my feelings because he will think I'm nagging again. I guess I just needed to sound off a bit really. Is anyone else in the same situation?

 

[colsy]

Awww, life's not fair sometimes is it? First he tries to persuade you to have kids earlier than you want them, but then when you finally decide you do, he says he's not ready any more. I've not been in this position, so can't offer any wise words of experience, but maybe you should just not mention it for a while, and then maybe in a couple more months you could carefully bring up the subject again. Maybe also explain what you've said to us on here, about now being the right time for your career, and how you worry about being a bit older. (Mind you, don't worry about the age too much - lots of us on here, including me, are a few years older than you).

Hope this helps a little.

 

[Lazy Leo]

Oh that's tough. I've been in the second part of your situation, when my OH wasn't ready and I waited it out in the end. I decided that I wanted a baby with him and that it wasn't something I could force on him either. We've been trying 18 months now. It's just your luck hun, you could be one of the fortunate ones who falls right away, but certainly worrying about it isn't going to help, but what can you do? I hate these situations because really there isn't much you can do. I'm guessing you know him well and know when to back off and when to bring a conversation up. Maybe go out for a meal and bring the conversation round, say something like you realising that you may not be able to have the family you had expected (i.e. 3 kids) because of age etc. It might open up a two way conversation if he asks why you think like that etc. I always find a neutral and quiet place a good place to have really important conversations as you can't really walk away and you can't shout and scream either....

Hope you find some answers soon hun xx

 

[nightkd]

Pin pricks in your condoms? Absolutely kidding! I do understand how frustrating that can be though... Obviously haven't been in your specific situation, but a while back I really really wanted a baby and my OH didn't, and now that I've got a job sorted and want to wait until we have our own house etc, he's started saying that he wants a baby and wouldn't mind trying now!!!

It might be because I started going off the idea at present, so he started feeling less pressured and thus decided that he wouldn't mind having a LO now. Who knows? Maybe he's just being a bloody annoying man!! Really hope your OH comes round soon though, it might be an idea to just not mention it for a few days then start dropping hints and seeing how he reacts. Eg "Ooh, that's a nice pram, I really want one of those when we have our baby.. What do you think?" Etc.



xxx

 

[lauraloo24]

hi there & welcome

sorry to hear about things with your OH. I'm in a very similar situation as I'd have a baby now if i could, but the OH has said he is not ready... He is also very reluctant to discuss timescales. I mentioned me coming off the pill in about a year and us trying then, but he totally lost it and said no way would he be ready then.... so i said what about 2 years? he said we'd have to see what our circumstances were at that point. we're different to you as we're not financially secure atm so i can see the positive side to waiting a bit, saving up some money.as long as i dont have to wait too long!!

my advice to you would be to drop the subject for a little while, then broach it again after things have calmed down - explain the reasons why you dont want to wait too much longer & ask him what his worries or concerns are - maybe there some worries he's started having in the last few years since he said he first said he wanted to start a family? also, i've learnt that a lot of men think that getting pregnant is an absolute doddle, i've been on the pill for 2.5 years and my OH seems to think that as soon as i come off i'll get pregnant. he doesnt understand that it can take months, even longer! calmly explain this to him. and dont give up!! my OH was initially reluctant to discuss babies, today he was talking about how he wants a boy & what sort of car seat/pushchair we will get!!!!

all the best, and check this out

https://www.ehow.com/how_2067560_convince-spouse-have-baby.html

 

[toffee87]

(((hugs)))

Although I'm not ready to have a baby now, I'd like to sort of get a time scale from my bf. And he just says he doesn't know, he can't say until we have a house etc. So for me it feels a long time away.

It's a tough situation, especially if he won't listen.

 

[Belgiansunset]

Thanks everyone for saying such nice things, I feel much better just being able to talk about it. I agree that it would be a good idea not to mention it for a while, and also maybe hang out with our friends who have babies more, as that might give him a nudge!

I think maybe the fact he's saying no has made me want one even more, and made me desperately want to start trying NOW, when in fact if it was a few months away I probably wouldn't mind. We always want what we can't have!

Thanks again for cheering me up!

 

[ellie]

men !!!! that's tough... i've been in the same situation for years and i'm 36!! my oh is kind of ready now, i think, but still not entirely and i have to be careful not to try to pressure him too much (hard, especially when it feels very emotional) as he doesn't respond to that at all. i have found that getting 'exact timescales' (which is of course what i want!) is impossible! but just a slightly vaguer 'soon' or 'in a couple of months' or 'after x holiday or event' might feel a bit easier for them somehow. good luck !

 

[Mrs Doddy]

Its a really shit situation to be in. I have been ready since we got married - up until then I hadn't really thought about it (been married 1 y 6 months) H said 2 years - I got him to agree to Feb 09 to come off the pill because my cycles were irregular before and my take some time to settle down. He is motorbike racing at the moment and isn't really thinking about it too much which makes it hard for me as he gets bored with me going on about it all the time (I have managed a week without talking about it so far !!!!) I have found the less I talk about it he will occasionally bring it up by himself.

You can't force them but maybe you could find out why he isn't ready there must be a reason and maybe you can discuss it.

Good luck