OK...opinions needed urgently! OH question...

[eatwotsits]

I'll try and make this as short as possible. I am now 36 weeks along, and my OH has been a total rock in almost every respect every single day of the pregnancy. I love him to pieces.

The dilemma: he and I live abroad and neither of our families live in the same country. We have a few friends here, but only one or two close friends, mine has just left to climb a mountain in Africa so Im pretty screwed at the mo lol. The point is, its kind of us and only us with regards to the birth etc.

He is brilliant and hardly ever goes out, as he doesnt like to leave me by myself...at the start of the pregnancy, mostly because he thought it was unfair of him to be going out clubbing when I couldnt..but ive never actively stopped him. Ive never said no.....

Until now...he has this 'friend'..a guy Ive met once...this guy is single, in his mid thirties, and basically lives to party: his girlfriends (yes, plural) are all strippers and when he ghoes out thats where he goes. Now, despite the fact ive mentioned this..these arent actually the issues that bother me.

What bothers me is this: his friend has never made an attemp to get to know nor meet me, and from what i hear he is a total p0layboy that goes out, drinks, flashes money around and drives home drunk. (Here in Mal,ta there is a MASSIVE drinking and driving culture..basically its 'ok' in this country...the poliuce wont even stop you if youre driving drunk) which is bloody stupid and obv, very dangerous. I was an ITU nurse here and i saw all too many of the car accidents which happened every day - incidentally btw, Malta has the highest rate of car crashes in the EU..which is impressive considering its smaller than the Isle of Wight........

To get to the point..sorry if its a bit long winded and i hope it makes sense..he wants to go out tonight with the aforementioned friend. I have offered to pick him up whenever he is ready - he can call me anytime., i dont sleep anyway at the mo lol..but he said that was like having his mother check up[ on him.

I said ok well can u get a taxi back then so i know your safe at the end of the night? His response..no..its too expensive...it is like 30 euro

So he wants to go out with his friend, till 6am (yes, he did state that when he goes out he wants to stay out the whole night, and yes, he will get drunk because hes going out to have 'fun)..have his friend drive him home (he reckons his friend will only have a few) and im expected to be ok with this??

Its not that i dont trust him..i dont trust his friend. And I have this MASSIVE fear insofar as im CONVINCED in my head that something awful, is going to happen to OH and im going to be left to give birth by myself because hes dead / had an accident, and im in this country all alone because my best friend is in Africa right now....

Im terrified something is going to happen to him..and it makes me massively upse...I want him to be happy, and i want him to have a good time...do i tell him to go and just worry myself sick all night???

Note: the 2 times he was out with tis bloke previously, he came in totally wasted and 4 hours AFTER he sent sms telling me he was on his way home....

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

Oooo, this is a bit difficult.

All I'd do is explain that your 35 wks pregnant & thought of his friend drving him home while drunk is scaring you. You want him to go out & have fun of course you do but you'd feel so much more comfortable if he'd agree to be picked up or get a cab.

Blame it on pregnancy paranoia but explain that your scared. I'm sure he will see sense if he's been so supportive all the way through.

Big

 

[Pielette]

God this would scare the living daylights out of me as well. I couldn't rest easy wondering when he was going to get home. There is absolutely no excuse for drink driving, it's completely irresponsible.
That said, he's clearly being flipping stubborn. I don't think there's much you can do other than try again and try to show him how much it's getting to you, that you're worried that he would end up having an accident and you can't be expected to just make your peace with him in a car with someone not in control of their reflexes.

 

[levichips]

i'd be exactly the same not bothered about the going out ect but the fact of his mate drink driving home have you explained the way you feel about it and why? i'd just make him aware of why your worried ect. it hard because it not him going out it the fact you'd be worrying about him going out xx

 

[eatwotsits]

Oooo, this is a bit difficult.

All I'd do is explain that your 35 wks pregnant & thought of his friend drving him home while drunk is scaring you. You want him to go out & have fun of course you do but you'd feel so much more comfortable if he'd agree to be picked up or get a cab.

Blame it on pregnancy paranoia but explain that your scared. I'm sure he will see sense if he's been so supportive all the way through.

Big

Yes..I just said this....pretty much exactly what you said!! Lol. He said he understands but basically unless hes doing it his way hes not going out at all.

Which makes me feel awful.

I dont know if its is pregnancy paranoia or what..i never worried about him dying or being in a car accident before....its awful

I just wish hed be happy to go out and get a cab, or come back at a reasonable-ish time!

 

[FeistyMom]

I totally agree with BrokenfoREVer - hoepfully he'll see how that makes sense.

Hopefully this is the last time he'll want to go out though - you are almost full term and will need him to be sober and oncall for labor!

 

[aley28]

Asking him to get a sober ride home is a reasonable request, in my opinion! Its understood that if my husband ever drives home drunk, he's never drinking outside our home again. Its not safe... and DUIs are expensive!

I let my husband go out whenever with whoever, but there is always the sober ride home rule. If he were to tell me that he and his friend were going out to get trashed and they had no sober ride home and that I wasn't going to be the sober ride, then I'd plain out tell him that I don't want him to go out at all. He has me and the kids to think of now, and we definitely come before a night on the town. Or we'd better, at least.

 

[Maman]

i would pre4sent him with the facts and explain how if anythign ever happened to him your world would crumble, and how would he feel is shoe was on other foot etc, and if he still wants to risk it, then dont stop him (as much as you may want to) I wouldnt blame it on pregnancy, and its not paranoia, its ok to fear for him.

 

[BabyJ'sMummy]

I don't think I would be happy with my oh going out and getting drunk at all when I'm 36 wks pregnant. What if you went into labour and he's out drinking and you can't contact him. I know it's very unlikely but you never know... xxx

 

[eatwotsits]

Asking him to get a sober ride home is a reasonable request, in my opinion! Its understood that if my husband ever drives home drunk, he's never drinking outside our home again. Its not safe... and DUIs are expensive!

I let my husband go out whenever with whoever, but there is always the sober ride home rule. If he were to tell me that he and his friend were going out to get trashed and they had no sober ride home and that I wasn't going to be the sober ride, then I'd plain out tell him that I don't want him to go out at all. He has me and the kids to think of now, and we definitely come before a night on the town. Or we'd better, at least.

Exactly my thoughts!! Thank you so much. Its just soo hard as i know our lives are gonna change, and hes happy about the impending birth as am I..but i think hes starting o feel a bit resentful / perhaps a bit restricted...and as we're not married, i dont fel i can say to him outright not to go...hes respecting my opinion in NOT going which is great..but then i feel bloody terrible because hes now stuck in here with me.

No win situation

 

[luvmyfam]

Tell him that the 30 euro is well worth his safety and your peace of mind

 

[krismarie621]

I'd tell him that life isn't just about you & him anymore - it's about your baby. He isn't invincible and if his friend crashes due to being under the influence of alcohol - whether this friend only has "a few" or a lot - he stands the risk of making his baby fatherless.

Tell him you're fine with him going out, but you want his butt in a cab (30euro isn't worth a life), or you want him to call you when he's ready to be picked up.

It's not about him feeling like he's checking up with his mom, it's about him being a responsible parent. IMO, parenting starts before baby even arrives - more so for us women, but in cases like this, for guys too.

 

[eatwotsits]

Thanks so much ladies...Im soo glad I dont seem to be paranoid in wanting to keep him safe!

He's not going..doesnt want to pay for cab and doesnt want me picking him up as im 'pregnant' and doesnt want me driving all that way (anybody but me see the irony of that statement considering the dilemma?)

Well, I guess thats it for now.

xxxx

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

Exactly my thoughts!! Thank you so much. Its just soo hard as i know our lives are gonna change, and hes happy about the impending birth as am I..but i think hes starting o feel a bit resentful / perhaps a bit restricted...and as we're not married, i dont fel i can say to him outright not to go...hes respecting my opinion in NOT going which is great..but then i feel bloody terrible because hes now stuck in here with me.

No win situation

Has he said he's not going to go then?

You shouldn't feel guilty about that. You offered him 2 safe options to get home & not leave you worried all night. If he's choosen to cut his nose of to spite his face & stay home rather than be safe thats his call.

You and LO should be far more important than a night out.

Also..as someone else said, what if you went into labour & you couldn't get in touch with him. How bad would he feel if you had to go to hospital on your own?

ETA: I see he has said he'll stay in

 

[eatwotsits]

Exactly my thoughts!! Thank you so much. Its just soo hard as i know our lives are gonna change, and hes happy about the impending birth as am I..but i think hes starting o feel a bit resentful / perhaps a bit restricted...and as we're not married, i dont fel i can say to him outright not to go...hes respecting my opinion in NOT going which is great..but then i feel bloody terrible because hes now stuck in here with me.

No win situation

Has he said he's not going to go then?

You shouldn't feel guilty about that. You offered him 2 safe options to get home & not leave you worried all night. If he's choosen to cut his nose of to spite his face & stay home rather than be safe thats his call.

You and LO should be far more important than a night out.

Also..as someone else said, what if you went into labour & you couldn't get in touch with him. How bad would he feel if you had to go to hospital on your own?

ETA: I see he has said he'll stay in

Yep..hes not going. Doesnt like the options and now says hes not realluy fussed....(dont believe him though!) And I do feel guilty because i dont want to see him unhappy and know im the cause

He knows me and LO are important...i dont think hes doing this to be awkward i just think hes being very naive where his friend is concerned, and doing the whole stupid "its ok" thing...and believeing his friend will only have a 'few'. I dont think he truly believes me when i tell him about the people in ITU who probably thought theyd only had a 'few' too. Plus, his opinion of his friends sobriety when he himself will be drunk doesnt exactly fill me with confidence.

Oh..and if i went into labour i know he'd feel terrible!

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

Exactly my thoughts!! Thank you so much. Its just soo hard as i know our lives are gonna change, and hes happy about the impending birth as am I..but i think hes starting o feel a bit resentful / perhaps a bit restricted...and as we're not married, i dont fel i can say to him outright not to go...hes respecting my opinion in NOT going which is great..but then i feel bloody terrible because hes now stuck in here with me.

No win situation

Has he said he's not going to go then?

You shouldn't feel guilty about that. You offered him 2 safe options to get home & not leave you worried all night. If he's choosen to cut his nose of to spite his face & stay home rather than be safe thats his call.

You and LO should be far more important than a night out.

Also..as someone else said, what if you went into labour & you couldn't get in touch with him. How bad would he feel if you had to go to hospital on your own?

ETA: I see he has said he'll stay in

Yep..hes not going. Doesnt like the options and now says hes not realluy fussed....(dont believe him though!) And I do feel guilty because i dont want to see him unhappy and know im the cause

He knows me and LO are important...i dont think hes doing this to be awkward i just think hes being very naive where his friend is concerned, and doing the whole stupid "its ok" thing...and believeing his friend will only have a 'few'. I dont think he truly believes me when i tell him about the people in ITU who probably thought theyd only had a 'few' too. Plus, his opinion of his friends sobriety when he himself will be drunk doesnt exactly fill me with confidence.

Oh..and if i went into labour i know he'd feel terrible!

I think I'm maybe harsh, but having been in the car with someone who is drunk I have no time for people who think its okay.

He's made his choice, if he didn't like the options that his problem. You've been reasonable.

I think he needs a wake up call. He's going to be a father, he can't go taking risks with his own life anymore!

Sorry...I sound really harsh, I'm sure he's lovely really

 

[Pielette]

Please don't feel guilty. As has already been said, you made no request for him not to go. He's made that decision himself just because he didn't like either of the two options which would have made you feel fine about it. If he's going to cut off his nose to spite his face it's his own lookout!

 

[AngelBunny]

he shouldn't be putting you in this situation it's totally acceptable for you to expect him to get a taxi home, i'd be freaking out too if he can't afford to pay for a taxi home he shouldn't be out drinking (but my OH would be doing exactly the same, so i know how you feel) xx

 

[Cimorene]

Heh...I don't let my husband have friends that a.) haven't met me or b.) cause my husband to be irresponsible. My husband has met most of my friends, and seriously wouldn't tolerate me behaving irresponsibly... We're about to be parents, we should be acting like them...not stupid teenagers...like your oh's friend. He needs to grow up and be a dad and a good partner. who the heck cares if he doesn't go partying with the boys. you are supposed to be his best friend anyway... you wouldn't get upset if you stopped your son/ daughter from doing sonethi g stupid, so why would you take that risk from the person who Is a joint participant in your and your future child's livelihood?O

 

[lisanicole]

I have asked my husband to refrain from drinking starting this week until we have the baby. I would be so angry and he would never forgive himself if he was in a drunk state when I go into labor. I need him alert and aware and to be there for me... not drunk and passing out! He has agreed. Its a small price to pay since I have been sober for 8 months already for our child!!