OMG upset at DH!!! Update post 19

[butterflywolf]

First of all I very rarely ever get upset with DH. Let alone get me to the point I'm almost in tears. Anyway background story cause this involves the mom that gave birth to him. Anyway, that mom (we'll call her J) got preggy with him at 16, gave him up to her Uncle to keep him in the family. So DH's Great Uncle raised him along with the mother that raised him. (we'll call that mother L). Anyway J very rarely even saw DH while he was growing up (maybe once a year if that). As he grew up to high school years when I started to know him as friends, she hadn't visited him at all. So that would be starting year of 2003 roughly. Anyway he and I started dating 2005 and got engaged 2008 and we planned for our wedding in May 2011. You'd think during this time J would want to come up and meet me since she 'claims' she is so in love with her son though she never sees him. She never came up. She did however come up for the wedding (she lives two states over and she has relatives here that offer her to stay with them so hotel costs isn't a problem it's just the drive and even then the cost isn't horrible for her).
At the wedding she refused to wear the 'mother of the groom flower' (since DH wanted her to have a flower). That pissed me off but fine whatever. (She also has another son whom at that time I think was 8 (maybe 10). Well at the wedding she was just partying (didn't say much to me at all! Minus the congrats and it's nice to meet you and that was it). She got pissed drunk even!!! And the dress she wore was not appropriate for a mother her age. So she still hasn't grown up basically.

Well we are now in the year 2013 and I still haven't heard another word from her! DH once in a while talks to her on phone or texts her. That's it. Well, she wants to come up to see the baby when the baby gets here. Fine, I don't care. However, DH says she can stay with us! WTF NO NO NO! I don't want a woman I hardly know staying with me and telling me that I'm doing this wrong or that wrong. Or having her freakin coo over my baby the entire time she's here!!! My baby my responsibility as well as DH's responsibility. I don't want anyone here to stay even one night! (She'd be looking at a week). And if other relatives wont offer their place (which I'd be shocked) then I'll put up the damn money myself to put her in a hotel less than a mile away from us for her stay.

And DH wasn't planning on taking off during the time his real mom was here (J) I said BS. You better take off because I'm not hanging around a female I don't know, nor do I even want to get to know since she still parties hard core (from what I can tell on FB). Let alone I'm pretty sure she could care less about getting to know me after may failed attempts over the years from me to try to talk to her. I gave up a little before the wedding.

Am I just being completely unreasonable?

 

[aflaspoehler]

Nope I would be the same way!

 

[MamaFlick]

No you're being perfectly rational! No way would I let that woman stay in my home, especially right after baby is born!!!

 

[butterflywolf]

I just broke down talking to DH about it. He doesn't see why I wouldn't want her here, but he said she doesn't stay here. I told him I know that she is his birth mom but she doesn't do a damn thing for him. His excuse for her is that she lives two states away. I'm pretty sure he's still looking for her acceptance even after all these years, which for the most part I haven't had any problem until now. But yes he does know my viewpoints on her from other conversations we have had about her in the past. At least that's taken care of but still annoyed that he doesn't fully understand why.

 

[MustBeMummy]

No I think id feel the same. To u she is pretty much a stranger. Im surprised he suggested it tbh. I dont think ur wrong to feel that way

 

[Babushka]

I wouldn't want my own mother or OH's parents in the house after our baby is born. It's a time when you should be bonding as a family not having other people stay with you.

As for your situation with this woman, I wouldn't agree to her staying in my home at any time! Is it possible for you, hubby & bubs to visit her when bubs is 6 months old? Maybe stay in a caravan park or cheap motel if money is tight?

 

[chulie]

I don't think your wrong at all. Not only that, I think he's grossly underestimating how delicate and intimate a mothers recovery is after having a child. Especially your first.....you may feel like the bad guy right now but once your baby is here you are going to be SO glad you did and he's going to be glad you have your space to recovery and try and figure out things like nursing and just figuring out how to be a mom.

 

[Equreuil]

Nope nope nope. I would be pissed.

You've met this woman all of one time... at your wedding where she barely said a word to you before getting drunk off her ass and partying? There is no way to rationalize it being okay for her to stay with you.

It's truly admirable that your husband clearly tries really hard to stay in touch with his birth mom, even though she didn't raise him, and wants her to be a part of his life/family. But there's a line and that kind of offer is just on the other side of it.

Talk to him about all of this, but don't just get into her faults as reasons you don't want her there (valid though they are). Don't ignore them, obviously remind him that you barely know this woman and are uncomfortable having a total stranger staying in your home. But, also emphasize the fact that you're going to be dealing with a newborn. You're going to be tired, frazzled and not really going to have the time (or patience) to be dealing with a house guest for a solid week. Explain that you were really hoping that at first it could just be the two of you and baby, so that you have some time to adjust to a routine and to bond as a family of three.

And make sure you have alternate options ready. If you can convince another family member to host her, great. Otherwise, check around at all the nearby hotels. Some offer a weekly rate that averages out cheaper than paying the nightly.

Regardless of where she ends up staying for a visit - set some strict guidelines for what kind of behavior you'll allow around your child. Like, if you even suspect she's drunk, she's not coming near him... or if she smokes that she can't reek of cigarettes when she holds him.

I really hope things work out for you. This is not a time where you need that added stress.

 

[ash211]

No way! I would NOT be comfortable with that either!! Stand up for what you want!

 

[iwantabub]

At least that's taken care of but still annoyed that he doesn't fully understand why.

Ok I'm gonna go at this from the probably other side and probably get flamed but oh we'll..

I'm adopted ... I totally understand what your dh is going through ... Only recently I discovered how many phsycoligical issues my circumstances caused me... It is something no one.. And I mean no one who hasn't been through will understand... The feeling of being rejected by someone your whole life from day one!

Your dh shouldn't have invited her to stay... But the fact your crying about it and getting upset is totally crap IMO... Sorry but after going through this the one thing I would never have survived without is support from my dh... I am the strongest person I know mentally because I've had to be my whole life... But I didn't even know I needed someone... Your dh probably does too and just because your pregnant doesnt mean u get to dictate what happens in both of your lives... This is obviously hard for him and I suggest u click your empathy hat on next time and instead of getting all upset think about how hard it is for him... Talk to him Calmly and try to understand how he's feeling.
There's not need to get upset because then he probably feels like he's trying to do the right thing by this person and also by u and he's disappointingly both... It's not a nice feeling...

Please don't take this the wrong way but I just feel like you have made this post all about u and after havig experienced it .. It should be about your dh.

 

[donna noble]

hes not the one going through the physical stress and pain though. i dont want anyone around me aftery baby is born. i think its rude for people to assume you want them around and its ok to stay. i see nothing wromg with your dhs birth mom visiting during the day but you definately have a right to put limits on it and say no to her staying.

 

[iwantabub]

Don't get me wrong... I'm not suggesting she stay ... I'm not having anyone other than dh here either... But I think it needs to be approached with a lot more understanding and care than how it came accross...

Oh and he's not the one going through physical stress and pain????

I would rather have ten 40 hour labours in a row than have someone pass you off as a new born... As the most perfect u will ever be and someone still rejected that... And then to have mixed messages your whole life about whether you are wanted in their life or not...

My birth mother went on to
Have three more kids... She asked to meet me on my 18th birthday and then didn't show up... I wasted my 18 birthday... Then at 21 she wrote as a public status on Facebook that she didn't wanna meet me ...
I know what it's like to get mixed messages like that from someone u aren't supposed to care about but do... It's unlike any other emotion ever and I would rather physical pain than emotional life long crap...

Her dh is obviously going through similar with his bms back and forth actions...

It's the hardest decision not knowing what to do!

As I said I don't think her staying is justified at all I just think its incredibly insensitive for this to only be looked at from the females perspective

 

[MumMumMum]

I can totally understand not wanting someone to stay with you for a week after you've had a baby - let alone someone who basically ignored you for so long. I won't have my inlaws stay even without a new baby!

With dh not there either, it would be too much to ask I think x

 

[annio84]

I can see why OP is upset that he offered her to stay and you should talk to him. I'd probably make it more about wanting the time for the three of you than about this woman specifically. I can understand you not liking her for treating your DH that way but it's not for you to express your opinions. He has some need to know her inspite of all of this and you need to support him.

 

[lolita1990]

I think you're correct to be annoyed.

 

[Tami]

This is a hard one because it's a sensitive issue for everyone involved. At the end of the day she is his mum, and if he wants to be in touch with her then fine, if he wants to have her stay with you guys at some point then fine, it could end up being nice, and even if you don't like her personally I would still make the effort for him, because it's about him.
BUT I think you're right about her coming to stay for a week after the baby is born, I've already told my partner that his brother can't stay with us right after the birth, and he agrees.
So instead of attacking his mum, maybe try explaining that you wont want anyone there regardless of who they are.
The hotel idea you had could also be a good idea, it would give her her own space too. But I would be very careful how you approach it because some things can't be unsaid, and it sounds like he's making a real effort to get to know her, I'd hate to be caught in the middle of something like that.

 

[kirstybumx3]

im sure OP knows that it will be a sensitive subject, I mean she did mention how she gets that he still tries to feel accepted by her didn't she?
a lot of times hormones play a huge factor in how we react to things and my OH has just learnt to deal with my irrational behaviour at the moment and not take it to heart, hopefully hers has too and isn't too offended.
I don't think we should be writing on here making her feel worse than she already does though..

back to topic, I wont be having ANYONE stay with me after my baby is born, people can visit, when I say so, but I would not be impressed with my OH if he invited anyone to stay over without asking me first and I would definitely call it off regardless who it is...
if you think your OH will feel bad telling his birth mum she cant stay, do it yourself, I know id be straight on the phone saying that its just not going to happen straight after I have given birth lol x

 

[Mummy_to_be87]

I can fully understand why and how this would upset you, but I can see it from your dhs side as well. At the end of the day that woman whether you like her or not is his birth mum and she gave him up at 16 but who knows that decision might not have been hers. She will deep down still love her son I believe. It wasnt nice or acceptable how she treated you at your wedding, I would be fuming at her. I believe if your dh has offered her to stay at your place that he has feelings towards her as his mum and wants to build a relationship which should be encouraged but I do believe your dh should have spoken about it with you before making plans where he would have understood you werent comfortable with her staying and you both would organise for her to stay in a nice hotel somewhere near so she can come around on your terms like all the other visitors have to do. I notice you have over 10 weeks before the baby is due, why dont you, your dh and dhs mum meet up for dinner or days out regularly before the baby comes and start to begin to build a relationship and make it easy for yourself? If it still doesnt work out and she still shows signs of coldness you can pull back in the knowledge that you tried your best?

I dont want you to think I was being mean with anything I said as it wasnt meant to

 

[butterflywolf]

Just a small update and thanks for the replies ladies.

I do see where DH is coming from and which is why I don't let it get to me on him wanting to keep contact with her. The real issue I had was he was just about to call her up last night before even talking to me about staying at our place. The thing is, we only ever had two guests stay in our place in almost 3 years. We do NOT like having guests nor hosting for people. Only reason we hosted two people was the night before our wedding since the ladies and I had to get to our hair apt really early in the morning and it was just easier for all of us to just sleep in the same house.

Since then we had agreed never to host guests again. We don't like it. End of story. Usually we talk about things before hand with each other. Our communication is what I'd like to think is really good. I mentioned to him how hurt I was on how he wasn't even going to talk to me about having someone stay here right after our baby was born. He apologized and once I made my points on why we should not be hosting anyone to stay here for even a night, he agreed.

He also knows I have no problem with him staying in touch with her. I feel bad that he still is wanting her attention when she doesn't make any effort, but that is not my choice. No, I can't say I know what he's going through. Nor will I ever be able to say I know first hand. He does know my concerns on her and I don't bring them up. Maybe if she lived in the same state things would be different. I don't know. If she ever tried to try to get to know me after the many failed attempts I had tried, fine. I'd be willing to try again. Doesn't mean though that I will want our child around her 24/7 until she changes. And for the most part I shouldn't have to worry about that since she doesn't like/want to come visit us. If she changes fine. Different story. However, for now I have to live for the moment.

DH said he knows his dad that raised him or his mom that raised him, one of them for sure would be willing to house his real mom while she stays here. And what even shocked me last night, DH said, "And that's even IF she actually comes up and visits." So apparently he has the same faith in her as I do. Which is sad, but hopefully if she doesn't show he wont be as hurt. Of course I'll always be there for him.

Thanks again ladies.

 

[Mummy_to_be87]

Do what is right for yourself and your family first and then work around the problems, this is a happy time and you need to enjoy the experience