On the road again graduates

[rayraykay]

I feel deeply for you all. The beginning is so hard. You wanna be excited, but it's hard to be excited. Time seems to pass so freakin slow in the first trimester. Viability was also my marker that I couldn't wait to reach. Time is still kinda passing slow on some days, because I just want a healthy happy baby in my arms. I still fear the worst.

I had an awful dream last night that I miscarried. I remember thinking in my dream "but.. I can't go through this all again..." So, it gives me a reminder of what you ladies early in the game are going through. I've mentioned this before, but women who have suffered miscarriages have to deal with something that is so unfair. That is, pregnancy not being innocent and just this beautiful thing that just "happens the way it should." It's still beautiful, of course, but it's also extremely hard. She hasn't been super active today, so of course, I am freaking out. I've only felt little movements here and there. Naturally, I am flipping my taco.

Anyway, hang in there ladies. We will all get our rainbows.

 

[Starry Night]

ray - yeah, it can be hard anytime during the pregnancy to stay calm. You never want your mind to 'go there' but it's so easy to expect the worst.

In another thread I saw someone bring up the point that girls with longer cycles have m/c risk 130% higher than those with regular 28 day cycles. I knew this stat from before but to see it in writing again and to see the phrase "old eggs" just made me feel badly like my baby doesn't stand a chance. Maybe it's irresponsible of me to keep getting pregnant with my dusty, old eggs that are doomed to die. But then I remember I conceived my son on a 70 day cycle. I have to hope I have a chance. And I've been taking my fish oil for at least 3 months and that is supposed to help with egg equality. I have to cross my fingers and hope that a healthy egg made it out.

 

[skyesmom]

oh Starry that's the old wives tale. the egg lives up to a day after ovulation and then it can't be fertilized anymore. it's not that it takes you weeks to ovulate instead of days. it's just that the ovulation doesn't even start after your period is gone, it starts a couple of days or weeks later. i mean, if it was so, virtually ALL of the girls who were on oral contraception would be full of years-long supply of superold eggs and would only keep miscarrying. but it's not the case

i have a 22-23 day cycle and i miscarried twice anyways. whoever says those things has never been through a loss and has no ideas on how it can make a person feel. as if it was your fault.. please!

 

[skyesmom]

..and regarding the waiting game (i'm not pregnant again the 3rd time now... yet), even the tww is enough, i can't imagine how it is to go through 9 months like that... for me, a part of me is excited and would like to welcome a new life, and another one is petrified. because if there's one thing that scares me, it is going through a mc again. i just can't do it. i'd rather die, seriously. i know it sounds crazy but it is so.

so every next period that comes is both a slight disappointment and a major relief. (i'm not allowing myself to get excited at all otherwise i'd go crazy!)

 

[Starry Night]

Thanks, skyesmom. I used to get shorter cycles as well (26 to 28) but I never conceived on those ones. I only seem to conceive when my cycles are in the 40ish range with my son being the extreme exception. I'm just happy to be regular! I used to be all over the map with no pattern whatsoever. Now my body keeps returning to 40 days exactly.

And I understand about what you mean about rather dying than going through another m/c. I felt that way last time and yet I pulled through. I feel that way now and it made me afraid to get pregnant again. But if I want a baby of my own I have to face the spawning chasm that is the first trimester. I have to cross through it if I want my rainbow. I am a little mad though that I keep having to endure the fears and yucky side effects of the first tri without getting a baby out of the deal.

So where in the tww are you?

 

[skyesmom]

somewhere around 10 dpo but it's highly unlikely this time, due to the BD timing... we're not TTC, it puts too much pressure on us and it broke us up for a while even. if it happens it happens, just tracing my ovulation is enough to make me dread the whole sex thing... so.. better not mentioning the official TTC at all. that said, i know how long my cycles are as i do keep trace of that for the sakes of my gyno, so i know more or less where i am, and when i should get my period... but i wouldn't call it like a real TTC style 2WW... it's more like a ticking: ok, now i should get my period and what if i don't? how the hell will i cope with that?

it still takes some time for me to heal but it's ok, the one thing i'm not gonna do is let anyone or anything put any pressure on me. not even myself. probably one of the biggest lessons i've learned from this entire experience.

 

[RedWylder]

Gosh I don't know what's been up with me these last few days but I haven't felt pregnant and I've done a little bit of Firefighting stuff (nothing major, mostly just training other people) but there has been a growing worry building in my mind that I've killed or hurt my baby. Today I finally gave in and looked again for the heartbeat and for an agonizingly long time I couldn't find baby and was near hysterics until at last.....baby's heartbeat was found louder than ever. I shed some tears and I'm feeling soooo much better now. I'm so happy baby is still alive.

 

[skyesmom]

oh red!! so sorry u had to go through such a stress! it's normal to "forget" you're pregnant, that happens all the time and i know girls who would be like that for weeks... none of them suffered a loss though and had to go freak out because of it. but it's normal, it's like when you take a new haircut and then get shocked every time you go by a mirror and after a week you're accustomed to it - your body is also getting used to being pregnant by default which is a great thing actually!

and Starry, regarding TTC again after multiple losses, you are my hero! i admire you so much for that, it ls like jumping off the cliff into the unknown because your love your LO to come so much! you are amazing!

 

[Left wonderin]

Red you opportunity thing !! Isn't it just awful we all want this so much we get so scared from time to time that its all going to just disappear !!! Finding the hb must be such a relief and comfort no wonder you cried !! My comfort these days is feeling this little on squirm around ! Everyday they are getting more recognisable and more pronounced he/she has a little pattern going now , sleep the morning long , mid afternoon a bit of a wiggle , then its party time after dark lol........ Can't wait till OH can feel our wriggler on the outside

 

[Topanga053]

Happy turnover day!! 20 weeks for Left and me!!

DH and I will be taking a picture tonight for 20 weeks, so I'll try to remember to post that here, although I still don't have much of a bump!!

Also, I had my follow up scan last night because they couldn't get all of the spine and heart pictures they needed at my gender scan. Once again, she was being STUBBORN! Lmao the techs at both ultrasounds commented on how stubborn she is. Both of them tried having me lie in all different positions, but nothing would make her move. Anyway, they finally got what they needed. Everything is normal (and we've confirmed that she's stubborn LOL) and HB was 148 last night. So cool to see her moving all around!

 

[rayraykay]

Starry is also my hero. Her strength astounds me.

Red I'm so sorry, I felt the same way early on, I am a self proclaimed Doppler addict. I used it every single day until around 20 weeks when the movement I felt was undeniably her. I also cried many times at the sound of the heartbeat. It never ever gets old. Ever. Hang in there. Baby is growing rapidly as I type this. Making him/herself right at home

Happy turnover day!

Left I can't wait to find out what you're having! I still think boy but this is a girl heavy thread...

Topanga my little girl was also stubborn. At the 13 week genetic scan and the anatomy scan. It was funny to me.. The techs were annoyed hahahaha

 

[Starry Night]

Hee hee. I love hearing stories of how our unborn babies behave. My son was a little rascal. He kept somersaulting and barrel-rolling away from the scanner or doppler. He kicked back on it alot too. He also would go quiet whenever DH tried to feel him. I was maybe 8 1/2 months before DH finally felt him! DS would also kick like mad whenever children started yelling, laughing or crying around me. From that we predicted he would be quite social and he is! And he definitely earned his nickname "Monkey". When he was small we wanted to nickname him Cuddle Bug. He is not cuddlely at all.

And I am not feeling very strong. Last night the pessimism really began to creep in and now all I want to do is cry. I'm not feeling very pregnant so it makes it hard to accept this is "sticky". DH is annoyed that I'm giving up but it's so hard to ignore the fears.

 

[RedWylder]

Hang in there Starry! That first week is by far the hardest. First you have to get past the point of "It could just be a chemical", and then the praying for all your worth that it's sticky. I'm still in that stage but starting to feel more confident. Have you had any bloodwork done? Thankfully I got early tests done at 11,13,15 and my results helped ease my mind (obviously my mind is never at ease, but it helped a smidge). I don't pray but I've got everything crossed for you. I don't think I can bare watching you go through another heartbreak so this obviously has to be sticky.

Happy turnover day to everyone else! Left and Topanga- I just realized we're exactly 10 weeks apart. I just hit double digits and I'm exactly 10 weeks today (I'm doin a little dance). I felt a tad bit of pain this morning that could only be RLP and I grinned. It's funny how I hear you all talk about everything you go through and then when I finally get it, it's just like "Hello, nice to meet you Round Ligament Pain."

 

[Topanga053]

Starry- too funny about your son! Lauren (we've already named her... Lauren Elizabeth) has been stubborn both times, not only for the techs, but for us! We really wanted a nice profile picture and the best we have (from both ultrasounds) is a nice picture of her back! LMAO it's like she's saying, "I'm sooooooo bored with this! All you get is my back!"

As far as your worries, they are completely understandable. Once you've experienced a loss(es), it's impossible not to worry. DH got annoyed with my worrying too. But, you have no reason to worry. When is your scan? Hopefully that will help start putting your mind at ease!!

Red- Yay for double digits!!! Almost out of first tri!!

 

[Starry Night]

I'm still waiting for my scan referral to come in the mail. I'm pretty annoyed by that. I hope it comes in the mail tomorrow. Last time the doctor mentioned he was considering getting me an early scan for dating purposes and when the referral came in the mail it was only for my 20 week scan. Grrr. I was too annoyed to fight it. This time I'm going to and it would be nice to find out if I'm going to have to fight it before I see the doctor tomorrow afternoon. I'm seeing another doctor right now because my regular doctor is on study leave. She had said she would get me an early scan so I could have her call the hospital again and insist on giving me earlier one.

I did hear back from the doctor's office and my appointment with the OB has been booked for November 6. In a way, that feels so long from now but I'll be 10 1/2 weeks by then so fairly standard. That's how it was in my home province, at least. I'm hoping for a 'boring' pregnancy but one of the complications with my son is one I'll likely have again as it has to do with the arteries in my uterine wall. The blood doesn't flow through them properly.

And, while I can't say I have ms exactly, today I noticed that eating is becoming a chore. I will finish my meals but man, every bite is a challenge. It doesn't gross me out. I think it's very tasty. But I just feel so full. And that is definitely not like me. I don't get 10, 20 pounds overweight with a small appetite. ha ha And then supper almost came back up on me. Now that my stomach is settling I am feeling better.

 

[SusieC]

Just stalking & checking in with you all!

Praying for your sticky Starry- the early days & weeks crawl by. Hope u get a date for an early scan soon.

Yeah Red! For 10 weeks!! and RLP!

Topanga- Lauren is such a pretty name Lol re the ultrasound pics!!

Hope the rest of you ladies and your bumps are keeping well.

Funny how there are lots of girl bumps- in RL my friends all seem to be having boys! I have a strong feeling my first will be a boy too! Time will tell!

 

[Starry Night]

Susie - it is funny how the gender bunches up like that. I was 7 months pregnant when I moved to my new home and everyone wanted to know what I was having. I was so proud and would say 'boy' and everyone would just groan and go 'not another one!'. lol I guess at our church all anyone had for years was boys. There was maybe one girl per age group. I couldn't even say it was 'something in the water' for me because DS was conceived on the other side of the country. But now quite a few people have had girls so it is girl season over here.

Topanga - I also love the name you chose for your LO. I really love the classic names. If this is a girl we're naming her Hannah. We're still mulling over a middle name. The options are Sophia and Morgan and Faith. The first twp options are the middle names for my 2 angels I feel were girls. The third would be more symbolic as 'rainbow' just isn't my type of name. ha ha

afm - almost feel like writing a song called "I Hate First Tri" to help me cope. lol It would go "I hate first tri, I hate first tri, la la la, I hate first tri". The end.

 

[Topanga053]

Starry, no way!!! Hannah was tied for a long time for a girl's name for us! I loved Hannah, in part because it means "Grace of God", which I thought was particularly fitting. Ultimately, DH liked Lauren a little better, so we went with that, but seriously, it was between the two of them for a looonngg time! How funny!!! And I love your song!

 

[RedWylder]

Hahaha Starry. I love your song too-so very fitting.

Last night I had some pretty intense back cramps. I'm not sure what that was about. My cramping has been sort of quiet lately and then all of a sudden, BAM. WTF? Is this normal?

 

[Topanga053]

Red, I've had really intense back cramps sporadically throughout this whole pregnancy. They used to freak me out a lot more in first tri, but after a couple of healthy ultrasounds, I figured it was just going to be normal for me. The worst was Sunday night. I was trying on some clothes and putting laundry away and all of a sudden I had the worst back cramps ever. I mean, curled in a ball on the bed, whimpering, unable to move. Poor DH didn't know what to do.. he just kept rubbing my back and saying he'd never seen me like that. They passed in 5-10 minutes and haven't come back since and I've had no other distressing symptoms (bleeding, etc etc), so I figured I just overdid it somehow moving around so much.

So anyway, at least for me, cramping is totally normal.

Oh, and I had an ultrasound the next day that showed her healthy and happy as can be, so it wasn't a sign that anything was wrong with her!