One and done? (Long post)

[mizuno]

Ok so I’m having a serious existential crisis! I hope you wise ladies will be able to help me at least calm my mind a little bit.

I have an amazingly smart and cute 3 year old daughter , who took us 3 years of IVF to conceive (some ladies here on baby and bump really helped me through it). The pregnancy was also stressful because I was constantly worried I would lose her. Once she was born I found it very tough. The delivery was traumatic, my recovery was long, breastfeeding was tough, lack of sleep, loss of my old independence, it was all too much and I developed post partum anxiety and some depression that was only diagnosed last year . I am currently on antidepressants and finally feeling like I can handle my life and my work and am finally enjoying the time with my daughter . I know I’m whining, and trust me, I feel very guilty about the way I feel, considering what I went through to conceive her and that she is awesome and I love her more than anything in the world, and I know motherhood is tough on everyone, but it was REALLY HARD on me. I guess I handled it very poorly.

So, my DH and I decided that we’ll stop at one. He seems content enough with the decision, though at some point he did want another (he basically says he doesn’t want it if it will be too much for me). My reasons for not wanting another kid are im dreading the possibility of having to go through IVF again, I’m worried about getting off my meds to have a kid, I’m scared of PPD just as I’m heading out of it, I’m scared that I won’t be able to handle taking care of another kid as I didn’t enjoy the early baby years. Also I’m just not a very “momsey” person. I realize this makes me sound very selfish...but I’m just getting my life back and it stresses me out to think I’d be taking a step back again.

The thing is, I feel REALLY guilty about not giving my daughter a sibling . I’m worried she’ll be lonely. Every single only child I know says they wish they had siblings. I know she’ll meet friends in school, but I worry that on the weekends and vacations she’ll be lonely and bored. She is super outgoing and gets bored easily so we spend a lot of time playing with her. A few of my friends are currently pregnant with their seconds, and I’m starting to feel the old anxiety creeping in. This is seriously affecting me as I’ll be 40 this year so need to make a decision soon and move on with my life, my career etc. I know this has been asked a million times before, but how did you know you were one and done by choice? Do you regret your decision? I know no one can make this decision for me, but I’d just like to hear about your experiences.

Thank you, from a very anxious mama!!!!

 

[krissie328]

Well... your story sounds SO much like mine. My ds was a ltttc baby. I struggled so much through the pregnancy and then pp anxiety and depression that I ended up in therapy to treat. We pursued fertilitu treatments for a second and after two losses and 1.5 years of meds we called it quits. We decided last Feb to be oad.

Omg the relief was immediate and after 3 months we were both so happy and at peace we decised DH would get the snip.

I did have some guilt but figured we could give ds so much more and he has a cousin only 3.5 months younger so figured that would be enough.

Well.. in May I spontaneously ovulated (I don't normally without meds) and I got pregnant. I was so depressed the entire pregnancy. All the positives to oad were gone. I did not want to deal with a newborn, ppd, ect. Well I had her 3 weeks ago and my experience has been so different. I think it's because I wasn't losing my freedom since I have my 3.5 year old at home. I'm exhausted beyond belief but I'm glad things worked out and we have her.

But if we hadn't I know ds would have been fine as an only. At the end of the day do what is best for you because a healthy mama for your girl is more important than a sibling.

 

[mizuno]

thanks for sharing your experience, krissi!
Stories like yours make me feel like I should have another kid. Maybe it won’t be as bad as the first time around. I’ll know what to expect, and as you say, my lifestyle wouldn’t change that much, not like I go out and party now. It would probably be just a little bit more work than now. But maybe those extra couple of hours I have to myself now are what’s keeping me sane I don’t know...

 

[krissie328]

It's so hard to say really. I know I did enjoy that sense of self I was getting back with just ds. It was nice to finally do stuff I enjoyed and alone. I'm hoping I'll be able to make the time still with two, but I can definately see my energy is much lower already.

If your partner is supportive and willing/able to manage two so you can take the time you need then I think thats a huge positive. My husband really struggles with our 3 year old and that stresses me when I can hear him being frustrated when I'm trying to relax or have some me time.

 

[madtowngirl]

Oh my goodness, I feel like you're me! I dealt with infertility and losses, and have struggled with this too. I got pregnant in December of '16 and had another early miscarriage. I told my husband I didn't think I could put my body and heart through this anymore. Motherhood has not been easy on me either.

I got so depressed that I ended up going through therapy, but I'm finally in a place where I'm okay with being a family of three. Nothing permanent has happened yet, so the door is still open, but my daughter isn't terribly outgoing, and seems to get overwhelmed in groups of kids. In daycare she often plays alone, away from the other kids. I still feel a twinge of guilt for not actively trying to give her a sibling, but she'll be okay. Home can be a quiet place for her to be the center of attention.

Good luck on your decision!

 

[babyv13]

i am one and done by choice too

my main reasons are

* don't want to go through 2 years of ttc again
* i'm now with a new partner
* don't want to pay childcare fees
* i am just about able to be the kind of mum i want to be to my DD but that takes all of my energy, if i had two i know i wouldn't manage
* i like to have my own life too, and there are things that i love that would be much more difficult with more children

i did originally feel guilty about not giving my DD a sibling, but then i spent a long time thinking about it and realised that i don't actually want another one, i was just giving into to society's expectation i have a sister who i am very close to so i wanted to give my DD that, but there's no guarantee that they'll get on! i'm at peace with that now as i think she can still have a nice life as an only child we'll be able to afford much more and give him more time.