Only child?? Support or criticism OK

[Cattia]

I think choosing to have one child or any number of children is fine, it's more about whether or not you can come to peace with the decision you make. For us, I know that DH was happy to stop at two and was really concerned about the prospect of having a third, financially and also in terms of how it would affect the family dynamic. For me though, I just knew that three was the number I wanted and I felt that there would always be a part of me that regretted not having a third if we didn't go for it. I think you're more likely to regret a child you didn't have than one you did have. I did talk DH round and I'm so glad I did. Of course he loves DD2 now and already can't imagine life without her. I do think for men it is more of a rational decision whereas for us it tends to be more based on feelings. Someone once told me that I would know when I was done having children and now I have three I know I'm done. On the other hand, my close friend always wanted three but her husband was adamant that he didn't want another one. She decided that she had to respect his decision and she spent a lot of time convincing herself of all the reasons that staying at two was a good idea. She says there is a part of her that will always wish she did have another one, but now she is able to accept that it was the right decision for her family. In the end, you are the one who has to be able to accept whatever decision you make together.

 

[minties]

My OH has chimed in. He has lots of older half brothers and sisters but never lived with them as they are a lot older.

He said he was extremely happy as a kid and never felt like he needed a sibling at all.

 

[mel28nicole]

I've always wanted two. But after having not the best pregnancy and definitely a nightmare of a delivery I don't want another. Maybe that's selfish of me, idk, but I don't want to go through it all again. I'm open to the idea when DD is 4 or so. I'm OK with a bigger age gap, just because I want to give DD all the time and attention she needs without trying to juggle a newborn in the mix. My sister and I are 26 months apart and honestly our personalities are complete opposite and we don't get along at all. We played a lot as kids but once middle school hit, you could see differences and we fell apart. Although I'm open to the idea later on, DH is completely against having another. He works in the oilfield, and works 80-100 hours in the week. It's already hard raising one its just had for both of us to think of raising two

 

[SarahBear]

(Only read first post) The adults I know who were only children have issues as adults. That's not to say it's inevitable, but it's worth considering why it's common and what you can do to avoid it.

 

[Quartz]

(Only read first post) The adults I know who were only children have issues as adults. That's not to say it's inevitable, but it's worth considering why it's common and what you can do to avoid it.

I am struggling not to take offence to this.. I will say now I have had a few friends who were only children and none of us had issues (at least no more so than the average person). Also what kind of issues are you talking about (as I said struggling). So I have to say I dont think it is common. Particularly as more and more people are choosing only to have one child.

Having one child is as valid a choice as none or ten. And what about those who cant have more than one you have basically said they are setting their child up to have issues

 

[staralfur]

(Only read first post) The adults I know who were only children have issues as adults. That's not to say it's inevitable, but it's worth considering why it's common and what you can do to avoid it.

Maybe you just associate with a lot of people who "have issues" in general.

Unless you have some published research that suggests only children have "issues" then I don't think you're qualified to say that it's common.

 

[Larkspur]

(Only read first post) The adults I know who were only children have issues as adults. That's not to say it's inevitable, but it's worth considering why it's common and what you can do to avoid it.

Maybe you just associate with a lot of people who "have issues" in general.

Unless you have some published research that suggests only children have "issues" then I don't think you're qualified to say that it's common.

Yeah, I agree it's situational whether "issues" are common or not. Like I said upthread, I think the "only children" I know are more successful / have less issues on average. So obviously different people have different perceptions based on different experiences.

Whether kids are affected well or badly by a lack of siblings probably has mostly to do with how their particular parents handled it, which could be influenced by the socio-economic band they fit into, the parents' level of extroversion vs introversion/social confidence, the area or even country/culture they grow up in.

 

[staralfur]

I just did a quick search for academic papers on only children and the results were actually overwhelmingly positive and reflect what Larkspur's experiences with only children have been.

I skimmed through one article that found that only children are often less lonely as adults because they've built primary relationships with themselves. Really interesting! As I said earlier, I definitely feel very comfortable and happy in my own company and to be perfectly honest I think I could've been very fulfilled as an old spinster.

Anyway, really curious what "issues" you think you've observed in only children, SarahBear.

 

[modified]

I'm one of 3 and my sister was an age where, whilst not in the same class, we were still in the same school. I couldn't imagine being an only child. I'm the youngest and caring for my terminally ill mum - not having my brother and sister around when my mum is no longer here? Couldn't imagine it, couldn't bear it, no thank you!

My ex was an only child. He was hideously spoilt, his mum still treated him like a baby at 26 years old and, despite a lavish childhood of annual Disney cruises and trips to Fiji and being very wealthy so everything he wanted, he said it was pretty crap and would have preferred a more simple life with a sibling.

I would hate my daughter to be an only child. It might work out that way but not through choice.

 

[felix555]

I am only having one. I had my son because I really wanted a child (just one) and if I had another one it would not be because I want another it would just be because of the pressure to provide a sibling which I think isn't a very good reason to have a child.

 

[MindUtopia]

I was an only child and I wasn't lonely at all. I had a great childhood (apart from the fact my dad was a jerk, so thank god, they didn't have anymore), but it meant I could go to a better school, got to do lots of activities we wouldn't have had money or time to do if I'd had a sibling, we got to travel, I got lots of one-on-one time with my mum and had a really special relationship with my grandparents as their only 'real' grandchild (they had others but they lived far away and weren't in touch much). I never wished I had a sibling or felt lonely or bored growing up. I had lots of friends who were like brothers and sisters to me and I had a great supportive family. I can see the benefits now as an adult to having a sibling, especially as my mum is getting older and there will technically only be me to care for her (and I live about 8000 miles away!). But I don't think I missed out and I always thought I was "lucky" compared to my friends who had brothers and sisters because I had my mum all to myself. If we chose to only have one child (we want more, but if we did), I wouldn't feel like my daughter was missing out on having a sibling either. We do want a second child, but that's for us, because we want to be parents to two children, not because we feel like we need to do it for her.

 

[SarahBear]

(Only read first post) The adults I know who were only children have issues as adults. That's not to say it's inevitable, but it's worth considering why it's common and what you can do to avoid it.

I am struggling not to take offence to this.. I will say now I have had a few friends who were only children and none of us had issues (at least no more so than the average person). Also what kind of issues are you talking about (as I said struggling). So I have to say I dont think it is common. Particularly as more and more people are choosing only to have one child.

Having one child is as valid a choice as none or ten. And what about those who cant have more than one you have basically said they are setting their child up to have issues

It's a common theme I've observed. It's not to say it always happens, but why is it so common? Probably for reasons that can be accounted for. It's the same with homeschooling and I'm choosing to homeschool. I'm just choosing to also account for some of the things that could cause issues. The post called for criticism. I'm just saying there are ways it could go wrong, so just take those into account and move forward. It's the same as how I also took sibling rivalry into account.

 

[Quartz]

(Only read first post) The adults I know who were only children have issues as adults. That's not to say it's inevitable, but it's worth considering why it's common and what you can do to avoid it.

I am struggling not to take offence to this.. I will say now I have had a few friends who were only children and none of us had issues (at least no more so than the average person). Also what kind of issues are you talking about (as I said struggling). So I have to say I dont think it is common. Particularly as more and more people are choosing only to have one child.

Having one child is as valid a choice as none or ten. And what about those who cant have more than one you have basically said they are setting their child up to have issues

It's a common theme I've observed. It's not to say it always happens, but why is it so common? Probably for reasons that can be accounted for. It's the same with homeschooling and I'm choosing to homeschool. I'm just choosing to also account for some of the things that could cause issues. The post called for criticism. I'm just saying there are ways it could go wrong, so just take those into account and move forward. It's the same as how I also took sibling rivalry into account.

But what issues have you observed I am just intrigued as to exactly what issues it can cause.

Most issues attributed to only child (the so called only child syndrome) is down to parenting rather than how many children. I was an only child of parents who were teachers so I never had these issues.

 

[redneckhippy]

I was an only child and never felt lonely. I was close with my cousins and felt I got many opportunities that I wouldn't ever. Just among my cousins, the ones who are only children are the most successful. I always planned to have 2-3 kids just because that's what I wanted, but now that my son is here, both my husband and I feel complete, so there's a good chance he will be an only. We have said we will wait and see how we feel in a few years, but honestly right now I just don't feel the desire to have another child. I LOVE raising him and I feel like he completes our family.

 

[Cattia]

I wonder whether people are more quick to attribute issues to someone being an only child? I have known several only children who have been self centred and unable to see others' points of view. It's easy to blame that on them being only children, but I've known plenty of people with the same faults who were not only children, yet you don't get people saying 'well that will be because they have a sibling.' Personally I think there are many advantages to having siblings but I think that being an only child may be used as a reason for people being the way they are when there are probably many other more significant factors that made them that way.

 

[Larkspur]

I wonder whether people are more quick to attribute issues to someone being an only child? I have known several only children who have been self centred and unable to see others' points of view. It's easy to blame that on them being only children, but I've known plenty of people with the same faults who were not only children, yet you don't get people saying 'well that will be because they have a sibling.' Personally I think there are many advantages to having siblings but I think that being an only child may be used as a reason for people being the way they are when there are probably many other more significant factors that made them that way.

Totally agree. Thinking of the most obnoxious people I know, they all have siblings!

 

[londonangel]

I think it depends on both the parents and the child. With an only child I suspect you may need to give more of your own time to playing with her when she is older than if she had a sibling. My dad was an only child but was never bothered whilst his cousin was an only child and was really lonely because her parents did not spend much time with her so she had to entertain herself most of the time. Ours was almost an only child as we were only just able to afford the second one but she would have been fine.

 

[mummyruston]

I'm an only child and have purposely made a decision to have two children.

My mum is 1 of 8 and my dad is 1 of 6.

For me being an only child was very lonely, yes I had all the latest toys and clothes but was always more often than not playing alone. I had plenty of cousins who is often see and make friends very easily. But I always felt a pang of jealousy to the bigger families.

I do think my loneliness and sadness as an only child was enhanced by the fact my parents divorced, they both worked FT and long hours and my mum isn't very maternal at all so i did feel very alone and would often latch on to friends families and so many sleepovers etc.

My dad is however the eldest of 6, and he said he felt burdened having to be a second parent to them and was always the one who had to help out....he's close to them all though and there is a lovely bond between them as its 5 brothers and a sister.

My mum is the 5th child of 8, and she only speaks to one of her siblings, a younger sister. They were all close as children but as they grew up they all made their own ways and became jealous of each other's lives and fell out. Sad really - especially at my grandparents funerals as it would've been easier for them if they were close to one another.

Why I've given you all of the above is because even though I have chosen to have two children because I was an only child and felt lonely etc, I wanted to also show the other side of having more than one...

 

[lam_76]

This is something i have been thinking about recently. Both my oh and i would like another lo however he lives in France and me and lo are in the uk and he can't get a visa to come here (he is originally from Pakistan) as i don't earn enough to sponsor him. He doesn't provide any financial support (not through choice, he just doesn't have any money after paying his living costs as he only gets casual work) so it all falls on me. I think i can give lo a good life on what i earn but i don't know if i could manage with 2.

I'm not so worried about him being lonely as a child but i worry about him being on his own when he gets older. It wouldn't be so bad if he would have cousins but i have 2 brothers and i don't think one will have kids and if the other one does they will be in Canada. My oh has 3 siblings but they are in Pakistan. My oh has said that he doesn't want to have another one until he is here but i'm 39 so time is not on our side.

I just don't know what to do, it's such a difficult decision.

 

[baileybubs]

I have two children and would love more, but I don't think that children who are the only child are lonely. Me and my brother have never ever been close, even as kids. We get along sure on the face of things, but not in the way everybody envisages their kids to have fantastic sibling bonds. If he wasn't my brother he wouldn't be somebody I would choose to be around as we are just so different. So I don't think it matters much how many brothers and sisters you might have, just how many children you and your dh want really.

My bf also has 2 sisters and a brother and they barely even speak. He often says he feels like an only child and is quite happy with that.

As your dd grows up I'm sure she'll develop good strong relationships with other people who will become like family to her so she won't feel alone. My best friend is like a sister to me and I know that if anything happened to my own parents, I'd most likely turn to her at that time not my actual brother, if that makes sense.