Opinions on last name disagreement

[MellyH]

Sorry if this gets long, I'm as much just getting it all out as soliciting opinions.

My husband and I are both scientists, so we both kept our names when we got married, since we had both published papers and were known professionally by our names. And we both like our names, so we had no pre-established desires to ditch either of them.

The problem is obviously we're about to TTC. My husband is from a very traditional nuclear family, parents still together, within a very large, close, extended family of many aunts and uncles and cousins, a lot of whom have the same last name as him. It means a lot to him to be a 'K'.

I am from a totally different family make-up, my parents broke up when I was young so I lived with my mum who had a different last name as me, which didn't bother me. She asked at one point when I was about 10 if I wanted to change my name and I said no, because superficially I didn't like the way my first name sounded with her last name. I still wish I'd been more gracious! My dad remarried (and redivorced) and had more kids. My grandmother had been married multiple times so my aunts and uncles don't even have the same last names. So what I'm trying to say is that for me, growing up, family names didn't have anything to do with what constituted 'family'.

But 'my' name is important to me. I was the first in my family to go to college/university, let alone get a PhD. I am also a bit of a bra-burning feminist, being one of relatively few women in a physical science field. I don't see why our kids should by default end up with my husband's name. And he, perfectly reasonable human being that he is, doesn't see why they should end up with my name (it's the same conclusion I came to, so I can't fault him for it!).

BUT. The issue is that he's rejecting any compromises I think of. Hyphenating, no. Creating a new name out of our names, no. Adding a third name to the end of both our names and then giving that name to our children, no (some colleagues did this and I thought it was ingenious - so she became Anne Boleyn Smith, and he Henry Tudor Smith, and they had Mary Smith and Elizabeth Smith as their kids).

I think he's hoping that if we don't find an alternative, we'll just default to his name. Which just makes me even more entrenched in my own position of why should they get his name.

But how do we decide?

 

[JJKCB]

im also a scientist (although still in uni so not recognized yet lol) my kids have my OHs name... im somewhat confused as to my name though, I like my name but use to be quite a hippy so google is not kind in my old free spirt ways but I also love my name (my parents also divorced young and my name was a constant battle ground so at 18 I made my own surname) but to hyphen seem a little tacky and hard work

I may hyphen but go by his surname on papers and job applications and the hyphen if I ever do get my own institute where it sounds better (long way off but you got to work towards something lol) and keep my other name for my artsy side

I feel like a real life dr. Jekyll and mr. hide

sorry that didnt help your situation but I like the idea of smooshing or using your letters to create a new name

i.e - smith and hall = ahhillmsh... so you could have:

lamish
hills
sallah
hamish
milla

and so on

 

[Lisa429]

I would not be the one to help you with this because we are going to disagree on everything. I am very anti-feminist I am very traditional and religious. So I being all of that think a women should take her husband's name and the children should follow suit. I don't see a women taking her husband's name as degrading or weak in any way as some women do. I thought of it as an honor to take his name and become a member of his family.

Anyway I don't want this to cause a fight we are allowed to respectfully disagree with one another. I think the two of you just need to talk and compromise on this your husband is going to have to. Maybe even hyphenate so you both get to use your names. Good luck I hope you two can come to an agreement on this and do what works best for your family.

 

[boobee]

I think hyphenating is the only possible solution in which it is "fair" on both of you. He has to be willing to compromise if you are willing to too. Don't back down just because he expects the child to have his surname. My child will have my partner's surname even though we are not married - but that is something I have always felt is right for me. My friend is hyphenating her child's as she feels "left out" which is equally as important to her.

 

[cherrylips100]

When both parents want to use their name, I think its only fair to use both. Being a man shouldnt give you precedent imo. I could never decide which name I wanted to use when I got married but our names were a bit long to db. I'm known by both on various documents and not entirely sure what constitutes as my 'official' name now. Our LO's have DH's name as it was important to him and I didn't mind either way.
I think you have to be firm here and say its either both our names or a completely new name, you're not being unreasonable.

 

[Marvelous1]

From your post I gather that his name means a lot to him, and what he thinks of when he thinks of family. Your name is a part of your personal identity, you even mentioned something to the effect that a family isn't just a name.

I think the children should have his last name since it means so much to him. I bet there was a time in his life where he thought "My little K's will be top of their classes, or play baseball, etc." You may feel like you are sacrificing your personal identity to not give the children your name, but he would be giving up his sense of family and history.

Read your original post aloud, and I think you'll hear how important this is to him. I don't hear a man that's being difficult, but I hear man that is fighting for what is truly important to him.

 

[pinklightbulb]

Traditionalist here. I gave ex's last name to my boys and don't regret it. In a biological sense, we women carry these babies, so why shouldn't a man have some claim over his child once he/she is born, by giving his surname? It's often a way for him to feel "connected".

 

[cherrylips100]

.

 

[MonyMony]

I completely disagree with posters who say you should give up your name if it means so much to your husband and also for "traditional" reasons. Well, traditionally women were subservient to men in all sorts of ways and obviously we don't think that should be the case anymore!

My name is just as important to pass on as my husband's, as we are both from immigrant families so our names mean a lot to us culturally. We discussed changing all our names to a third, combined name, which would have been less of a big deal for me since I don't have published papers to my name (hubby is also a ph.d.). But in the end, we hyphenated. My good friend also hyphenated her daughter's name. And by the time my son got to be school-age, we discovered quite a lot of other families has also hypenated...but we do live in a liberal and educated area, so I'm aware it's not usual everywhere.

I wish it were more the norm however. I have a couple of coworkers who were pressured into taking their husbands' names despite the fact that there were only girls in their families and they were sad their names would be lost to future generations. It was hard to have sympathy for them because no one forced them to make the change!

OP I hope you stick to your guns and come up with a solution that is fair for both of you. They only thing I'd add is that we did discuss that if our kids got tired of hyphenated names, neither one of us would be offended if they choose to go by only one name as adults.

So far (15 years later), we've NOT had problems with kids learning to spell long names, filling out forms, airline tickets, etc.

 

[moose]

I did not take my husbands last name. However it wasn't a big deal to him. Even if it was, I would have stood my ground. It doesn't change our much we are married to each other. It is a name.

When I was pregnant we talked about what we were going to do. He came up with the idea that the girls would take my last name, and boys could take his last name. I agreed to this.

We have two girls, they have my last name. After the first born he said it made more sense to have all the kids have my last name.

It worked for us.

 

[MonyMony]

Good point Moose. I'd forgotten one of my colleagues who'd kept her name had the same agreement with her husband. They had two boys and so they ended up with his last name.

 

[Noodlebear]

I think the only fair way of going about this is to have a double-barrel surname to include you both. He's being unreasonable and quite selfish by denying you the right to have a say in it. I like the idea of girls having their mother's name and boys having their father's if it works for you but if you only ever have girls or only ever have boys I think it could still be quite upsetting as sharing your names is clearly something that means a lot to both of you.

 

[MellyH]

Read your original post aloud, and I think you'll hear how important this is to him. I don't hear a man that's being difficult, but I hear man that is fighting for what is truly important to him.

Hopefully it came through that it's very important to me too Just for different reasons. His reasons are his ties to his family, and I do really love his family. My reasons are my tie to my personal identity, and my family history of having a different name to my mother.

I will keep pushing the compromises. My last name is long (three syllables, 12 letters) and his is medium (two syllables, 7 letters) so that's a pretty long hyphenation unfortunately!

Has anyone on BnB given their children their own last name as compared to their husband's?

 

[xMissxZoiex]

My parents have never married despite being together 27 years my two older brother and I were given my mums name but my younger brother was given my dads name.

My husband grew up with out a father (parents split then he was 6 months) but had his fathers name but to him his name is the start of his only line hi own family tree if you will and it was important to him that his family name didn't get lost with him.

Where as my name although Important to me and my identity I had spent many years being called by my last name not my first but my two older brothers are going to and have carried on that family name.

Traditionally boys carry on there family name and if it means a lot to him then I'd do that (have done) for my husband.

Could you not keep your name professionally and take his for your personal life, many people who have work published do that even people on TV/ in the public eye do it. That way you get to keep your identity and your husband gets to carry on his name.

All that being said it's your and your husbands choice, it must be hard for a family man to not have his name passed down.

 

[HopefulEm]

I know some people have family surnames as middle names. Could you use one of your last names as a middle name?

 

[BigLegEmma]

We're hyphenating as I'm attached to my name and family. Ideally, I would forego OH's surname altogether as I don't really like it, but I think our child should have links to both parents. Shame is, because LO will have a double-barrelled surname, giving her a middle name too would be a mouthful. In our family everyone has a middle name and it feels odd not to give her one. Anyhoo, your OH is not being very helpful!

 

[xjesx]

similarly I am the first in my family to go to university/college. I am proud to be a 'M'. However, I wouldn't be a 'M' if my family didn't have a family name. And amen to feminists.

nuclear family or not as both my OHs family and I have tradition nuclear units and non-nuclear units.

My opinion is....My children will have my husband's last name. Its the family name. There is no question. I want them to be proud to be an 'S' like I am/was to be a 'M'.

 

[MonyMony]

similarly I am the first in my family to go to university/college. I am proud to be a 'M'. However, I wouldn't be a 'M' if my family didn't have a family name. And amen to feminists.

nuclear family or not as both my OHs family and I have tradition nuclear units and non-nuclear units.

My opinion is....My children will have my husband's last name. Its the family name. There is no question. I want them to be proud to be an 'S' like I am/was to be a 'M'.

Strange defensive response. I would have been just as proud to carry my mother's name as my father's. They both testify to my hispanic heritage. That's why I wanted to pass it down to my kids. My son, when he's spoken about possibly using only one of his last names, has expressed a preference for mine. But the Spanish culture has often included both mothers' and fathers' surnames, even grandparents' sometimes. Whatever works and feels right for the family I say--and of course the individual.

 

[Pers]

I was not married the first time I got pregnant and had no intentions of ever getting married but still planned to give my child his last name. Sadly that pregnancy ended in mc and (not sadly!) we eventually did marry. However, I had no plans to take his name once we were married. I actually didnt change my mind until the day we got married. I like my maiden name (more than my married name actually) but for me it really came down to it meaning more to him that I take his last name than it did to me to keep my maiden name so I moved my maiden name to a second middle name. You are in a completely different situation though as you said it's equally important to you both that you use your last name.

Personally, I am not a fan of hyphenated last names for children. I think they are fine for married women but as a female I think you may be making it more difficult for a child who may be in a similar situation someday. What are Alan Smith-Kettering and Sara Michaels-Johnson going to name their kids? Baby Michaels-Johnson-Smith-Kettering isn't much of an option IMO.

I have known a couple who did a mash of their last names to create a new name for the whole family which worked out well until they divorced. While they both kept the new name initially, when they each remarried she took the new husband's last name and he went back to his original last name (new wife didn't want the mashed name he shared only with his ex and it was that or create another mash name for the two of them). Now they have a child who doesn't share a name with either parent but also no siblings or even extended family.

No real solution for you I'm afraid, my only real advice is to urge caution with your choice and consider what it will mean not just for you or your husband but for your children someday. I know people dont like to consider divorce and remarriage thinking it will never happen to them (been there done that myself as well!) but if you are going to break from tradition for a name a child will carry for life, I don't feel it is unreasonable to consider everything the future may (reasonably) bring.