Opinions please?

[Avvie]

I just wanted some advice, hopefully from people that may be in the same boat.
I'm separated from my husband of almost 5 years (and am desperate to find him to divorce him). But I really want to have a baby. I'm a few months away from being 30 and want to try the year after next (after I have divorced my husband, otherwise he becomes the legal father, even if the baby is not genetically his - I believe I can divorce him for desertion after 5 years, without his signature)

I don't trust easily after my experience with my husband and can't imagine allowing myself to become involved again - and I would never risk my sexual health with one night stands. So I have been to a consultation with a fertility clinic to discuss egg sharing, to get IVF with donor sperm.

Has anybody else done this?
I know that a lot of people will think that I'm being selfish to consider raising a child without a father, but it would be no different to having a man leave me for getting pregnant anyway. And the alternative is too hard for me to do.

Sorry for the rambling post. Any advice would be gratefully received.

 

[nightkd]

I'm nowhere near in the same position as you, but just wanted to say that if it's something you really want and could cope with and you're in the position to raise a baby on your own, I don't think it's selfish at all.

Just make sure it is the right decision and you're not going to go through with it and find someone you do feel comfortable getting involved with and wish you'd had their children first...

I obviously don't know your background, so I can't comment too deeply. Just make sure it's definately the right decision for you.

xx

 

[Tegans Mama]

I agree, I don't find it selfish. I'm not in the same position but my baby conceived through AI with a sperm donor and I would say if it is what you want and you believe you could do it, go for it. I hope everything works out

 

[Sam86]

That's true what you said about being able to divorce your husband without his say if you've lived apart for 5 years or more. My mum and dad are seperated but my dad wont give her a divorce. She lives in Ireland with her boyfriend and my mum and dad have lived apart for nearly 3 years now, she told me about only having 2 years left until he had no choice.

I hope everything works out for you
And there are plenty of single parents who do just fine without a partner!
xxx

 

[Avvie]

Thank you for your support - I joined a few weeks ago and have been meaning to ask for ages, but became worried about the response (I know a lot of my family feel I should settle for the next guy that asks me out (even without knowing I want a baby), and I have had a few friends that do know telling me that they feel I'm depriving my child of a father, which is obviously something I don't want to do, but we don't live in fairy tales where true love and happy endings always come through in the end. God, I sound so cynical, I'm sorry.

I would love to meet Mr Right, but since getting married I have been in two (very short) relationships, which I've unintentionally destroyed through my lack of trust. I guess my husband has really done a number on me!

I have been single since 2005 and, being completely honest, while in my weakest moments I have wished I had somebody to share my life with, I prefer/trust being alone. I know raising a child alone will be really hard work, but I'm prepared.

I don't live alone. A friend of mine and I share a house. She is also 100% single and unlike me, she doesn't want a relationship of any type with anybody. She also doesn't want children of her own, but she is happy to help me to raise my baby.
I guess the only thing that worries me about this arrangement is that, despite the fact that we are both straight women that have separate bedrooms, already I'm worried about any bullying that my child may suffer at school because of how it looks. But I guess little can be done about that. And I may be worrying unnecessarily at this point?

I don't believe I can have a baby if I take myself out of my current situation.
My situation is SOOO complicated! I'd do anything for it to be simple.

 

[Tegans Mama]

Thank you for your support - I joined a few weeks ago and have been meaning to ask for ages, but became worried about the response (I know a lot of my family feel I should settle for the next guy that asks me out (even without knowing I want a baby), and I have had a few friends that do know telling me that they feel I'm depriving my child of a father, which is obviously something I don't want to do, but we don't live in fairy tales where true love and happy endings always come through in the end. God, I sound so cynical, I'm sorry.

I would love to meet Mr Right, but since getting married I have been in two (very short) relationships, which I've unintentionally destroyed through my lack of trust. I guess my husband has really done a number on me!

I have been single since 2005 and, being completely honest, while in my weakest moments I have wished I had somebody to share my life with, I prefer/trust being alone. I know raising a child alone will be really hard work, but I'm prepared.

I don't live alone. A friend of mine and I share a house. She is also 100% single and unlike me, she doesn't want a relationship of any type with anybody. She also doesn't want children of her own, but she is happy to help me to raise my baby.
I guess the only thing that worries me about this arrangement is that, despite the fact that we are both straight women that have separate bedrooms, already I'm worried about any bullying that my child may suffer at school because of how it looks. But I guess little can be done about that. And I may be worrying unnecessarily at this point?

I don't believe I can have a baby if I take myself out of my current situation.
My situation is SOOO complicated! I'd do anything for it to be simple.

If you know it is not the truth, then its not the truth. Even if it were I think you would find people around here very supporting. My partner and I are raising a child together, and if people think two women starting a family is wrong then IMO it is their problem, not mine. Seeing sa there is no room for racism, there should be no room for homophobia either, IMO.

Whether or not you are raising your baby with the other women in/out of a relationship shouldn't be part of the question IMO. If its what you want, you go ahead and do it! My LO doesn't have a Dad, she has two Mums and she misses nothing.

 

[Avvie]

If you know it is not the truth, then its not the truth. Even if it were I think you would find people around here very supporting. My partner and I are raising a child together, and if people think two women starting a family is wrong then IMO it is their problem, not mine. Seeing sa there is no room for racism, there should be no room for homophobia either, IMO.

Whether or not you are raising your baby with the other women in/out of a relationship shouldn't be part of the question IMO. If its what you want, you go ahead and do it! My LO doesn't have a Dad, she has two Mums and she misses nothing.

Thank you! You're right of course, and I truly wish that we did live in a world where every person, regardless of race, sex or creed was treated the same, but I guess the only thing we can do is to make sure our children are raised to be more tolerant, regardless of what others around them think/do.

Hearing about your background certainly puts my mind at rest - mine shouldn't be dissimilar, except my child will have 2 bedrooms to run into at 6am on a Sunday morning, LOL!

Thank you again for replying - I'm really grateful. I just wish I could stop waiting and just get on with trying to get pregnant!

 

[Sherileigh]

I had always had the idea of doing it on my own in my head...as I'd been single for most of my adult life and didn't really think I'd meet anyone. I did in the end...BUT I say go for it. It's definitely not a selfish decision. You know that you can do it...then do it! But just try not to rule out this child having a father...you can just as easily meet someone when you have a child as without. A co-worker of mine, had a baby on her own (through a donor) then met someone shortly after and they've just had a baby together.
Good luck!

 

[gnomette]

i bought my son up on my own til he was 3 it was the best thing i ever did his father did a bunk when he found out but i think you will find you ex hubby will not be legal parent if you dont put his name on the birth certificate its some thing you would have to look in to i never put my sons fathers name on because in my eyes he was mine and no one elses but we were never married but i know that even though i am marrying my bloke in feb he is stil not considered my sons gardian let alone parent and he is having to adopt him so there is so many ways round unwanted fathers but it is a hard thing to research but good luck!! the good thing bout bringin up a baby on you have no one to share them with they are all yours and me and my son are so close even now my bloke lives with us we stil have our time just me and him at that is just because i spoke to him from the day he was born like a proper little man! my oh stil lets him be man of the house everynow and again like he always has been! i think it is better to have one happy parent then two unhappy parents thats the way i see it any way

take care and good luck

 

[Avvie]

I just want to thank everybody that has taken the time to post with such positive responses. I've mentioned my plans to a few people IRL and was expecting to get ripped apart on here too for my decision of having a baby this way. I'd actually begun to believe that maybe I really was doing this out of selfish reasons that will harm the baby - but reading what everybody has written has really set my mind at ease.

Thank you all again. This has made me more determined than ever that I'm doing the right thing

 

[Tegans Mama]

The right thing is what you want hun! Like I said, follow your heart not what everyone else says you should want

 

[Mrs Doddy]

Have you read the book Going it a lone by Caroline Dowling ??? - this is what happened in the book - but the treatment didn't work and in the end she found someone she wanted to be with and they tried in the normal way.

Only you can decide if it is right for you, you have the support from your friend which is fab and the child will be loved by two people. The thing that comes to mind is what/if you tell the child at a later date and how it will make them feel ??? Im never sure about these things as what happens if it works you have the child and then you meet someone ??? just a few things to think about - I am not judging you
good luck with whatever you decide xxx

 

[Avvie]

Thanks. I went back to the clinic today and they've given me the address of a group that helps to support recipients and children born of donation.

I'll order that book to read too. Thank you