Other People's Prejudices?

[laurac1988]

There's one thing I worry about now that I'm TTC, and that is the prejudices of other people.

How do those of you who are already parents deal with the prejudices from people who believe children should have a man and a woman as parents? Particularly if they express it in a nasty way?

Those of you who are TTC, is anyone using a donor they found online? How are you dealing with the prejudices from people about donor sperm? First thing my MIL said was "But you don't even know this guy! he could be anyone!" Why is it that finding a sperm donor for yourself is viewed as less favourable than going through a clinic?

 

[LunaBean]

I found my donor online which most ppl r shocked at,now wen ppl ask about his 'daddy', I say hes a donor baby,and hes a friend of a friend,saves hassle,and its none of their business! I guess these days the internet has a reputation for being full of crazy people,thats why most ppl are wary! I just say at least I know who his donor is,he's met him,and Im happy with him. Better than having a one night stand and getting pregnant and never knowing anything about them! All my donors were tested,I met them b4 hand.

Noah is only 6 weeks,so havnt had any negativity yet,but I'll hav a fair bit to say to put them in their place wen I do,cuz its inevitable! Even more so because Im a single gay parent,they cant get their head round it!

 

[Tegans Mama]

We've had a lot of negativity but to be honest you get used to it. Tegan is three and a half, and she's disabled so we've had our fair share of people giving unwanted "comments" - whose her daddy, whose her "real mummy" etc etc. at first I found it really hard. The more I've gotten used to it though, the more I've started to stick up for us.

As far as the donor thing goes, we used a friend but we've never told anyone who. We never go into detail, we just say we used a donor. IMO its irrelevant, Tegan has two parents, me and my wife

I'm on my phone so I can't do a massive post but if there is one thing I can say its that it's so worth it. Being a parent is amazing

 

[TFSGirl]

If people want to be prejudice they can shove it up their asses, really. I am not a SSP, but I have friends who are SS parents and friends who are SS and trying to have kids, and I lose my shit anytime people open their fat yaps about SS couples having children. My most recent argument was with the sister-in-law of one of my best friends and her babbling was about kids with SS parents being teased in school and it isn't fair, blah blah blah.... and about how SS parents won't know how to nurture a child's heterosexuality.... I just about threw her stupid ass across the room. She said she doesn't agree that SS people should be allowed to have kids and I said I don't agree that rednecks like her should be allowed to have kids....

The way I usually defend the idea of SS people having children is the fact that SS people obviously have to really want the child in order to go through all the trouble of having them, while any heterosexual idiot can fuck up and get knocked up with a kid they don't want. And any parent that WANTS their child is better parent than a person who raises the child feeling they were a mistake, no matter what their sexual orientation may be.

And it is definitely no one's business how you go about getting pregnant or having your child, as long as YOU are comfortable with it! If you are ready and able to have a child, all the power in the world to you.

 

[laurac1988]

I agree.

As for a child being bullied - and this is what I said to my MIL - children get bullied regardless. When I was growing up, I had a mum, a dad and two sisters but I still got bullied... because I had curly hair.

 

[TFSGirl]

I agree.

As for a child being bullied - and this is what I said to my MIL - children get bullied regardless. When I was growing up, I had a mum, a dad and two sisters but I still got bullied... because I had curly hair.

Yeah, that was exactly my point as well. If children want to find something to bully a kid about, they will, regardless of the makeup of their family unit.

 

[Carrie&Char]

in one ear out the other !!!

 

[jogami]

I am straight, and I applaud you!

I have 3 gay uncles and a brother who is "lost" (I am leaving it for him to tell me but if only he knew how he'll always be my angel!)

If people dont understand it to hell with them! You are bringing a much-wanted and loved child into a home. In fact you are probably better parent-material than most dual-sexed families i know.

Keep your head held high and remember you are still entitled to be parents.

Sexual orientation does not define how good a parent you, in fact it probably enhances it!

Just my 2 cents worth,,,

 

[LexxiePaige]

I don't have a child yet, he/she is still baking, but I do have a lot of experience with prejudice, as Im sure most of us here do. I've thought a lot about the same issues as of late, though our situations are somewhat different, I think. Our child will have 2 mommies. He/She will also have a very involved daddy. I worry about the questions (and the unavoidable nasty responses) that people will have when they see us all out together. When you see us out and about together it quickly becomes obvious that our relationship is "out of the norm" - we frequently hold hands, kiss each other on the cheek, etc. in public. We dont try to force our relationship on others, but we do not attempt to hide it either - honestly, it usually does not even cross our minds until we get a snarky comment or something similar thrown our way - to us, it is completely normal! My main worry is not for us - we can deal with other's meaness and rudeness, but I do wonder how our child will understand and deal with it - or how I will deal with it when and if anything is said to our child. I can only hope that when that time comes, we will be able to guide our child in the right direction and set a good example (read "not throttle the nasty person who dares mess with my family!")

 

[S123KEV]

in one ear out the other !!!

Me sentiments exactly!

Already I'm beginning to notice a few raised eyebrows and the words "Wont people talk?" have been said on both sides of this surrogacy fence!

Just got to ride it with the best of them I guess. There will always be those that like to have a natter about anything other than themselves.

I can see me getting tired of having to explain it all to randoms though. Those that are genuinely interested fine, those that just want to know the about the drama can have a leaflet lol!

 

[hapi2bhealthy]

If people want to be prejudice they can shove it up their asses, really. I am not a SSP, but I have friends who are SS parents and friends who are SS and trying to have kids, and I lose my shit anytime people open their fat yaps about SS couples having children. My most recent argument was with the sister-in-law of one of my best friends and her babbling was about kids with SS parents being teased in school and it isn't fair, blah blah blah.... and about how SS parents won't know how to nurture a child's heterosexuality.... I just about threw her stupid ass across the room. She said she doesn't agree that SS people should be allowed to have kids and I said I don't agree that rednecks like her should be allowed to have kids....

The way I usually defend the idea of SS people having children is the fact that SS people obviously have to really want the child in order to go through all the trouble of having them, while any heterosexual idiot can fuck up and get knocked up with a kid they don't want. And any parent that WANTS their child is better parent than a person who raises the child feeling they were a mistake, no matter what their sexual orientation may be.

And it is definitely no one's business how you go about getting pregnant or having your child, as long as YOU are comfortable with it! If you are ready and able to have a child, all the power in the world to you.

This post is how I feel too. I'm not an SSP but both my brother and my brother-in-law are gay (and there's no more siblings!) and I think that they would make better parents than some of straight family members...

I also think that no matter what your orientation you will get comments on how you parent anyway- if you don't breastfeed, you're horrible and basically killing your baby, if you use cloth nappies, you're a hippie, if you feed them food from a jar, you're lazy, fricken never ending...and I also think that kids will find any reason to bully, and some parents will find any reason to complain. They can suck it! I know most of my friends who have children will be raising them with open minds and an acceptance of SS families, so hopefully it will be less of an issue than it may have been ten years ago. Having their only uncles being gay, my kids won't even think twice, and I think within a lot of my Gen Y buddies, discrimination against SS families is actually considered more ignorant and uncool than anything else.

Anyway good luck with it all guys, take comfort in the fact that there's a large community of support behind you!

 

[TattiesMum]

As another non SSP here's my twopenn'orth ...

No-one should care about anything that anyone has to say unless the person saying it is someone who you look up to, respect and wish to emulate

As for potential bullying - well, as others have said kids get bullied for all sorts of things BUT I have a close friend who happens to be gay and who has 3 children from his marriage (before he came out). They are adults now (the same ages as my kids), have grown up with 3 dads and one mum and have never been bullied because of it ... the boy is the only one who has suffered from bullying at all and that was because he is profoundly deaf

I also have two transgender friends who have children from previous marriages when they were men and their children haven't encountered any negativity from their peers based on their families either, so it seems likely to me that the 'bullying' argument has no base in reality and is just used as a vehicle for adult prejudices from bigots (who are the real bullies )

 

[TFSGirl]

Exactly. And I really have absolutely no time for biggots in my life at all. I was having a discussion the other day with one of my very close SSP friends and she and her girlfriend have been taking a parenting course geared directly towards lesbians wanting to be parents. It's a 12 week course I believe and it talks about every topic under the sun, including different avenues that lesbian take in order to get pregnant (known sperm donor, unknown donor, IVF, adoption in some cases etc etc) and the money commitment and the time commitment and the emotional commitment and the bullying aspect etc etc. What STRAIGHT couple takes the time to go and learn about all of that? What straight couple doesn't just go fall pregnant instead of looking at every negative and positive that comes with being a parent? Not many that I know. Every SSP that I know is a more responsible human being than virtually all straight people I know. So I don't have time to even listen to prejudice against SSPs anymore.

 

[chearty]

some friends and family have expressed their prejudices- mostly unintentionally- my family is from the bible belt in America, so for them it's hard enough accepting i'm gay, let alone procreating....
when they found out we did home insemination there were comments like "you can't just go squirting sperm into yourself- are you sure the baby will be okay!??" isn't that what a penis does?
or "you have to do those things in a sterile environment so the baby isn't messed up!" have you told this to all the heteros?
or my favorite: "kids need a male role model or they'll definitely turn out gay!" I generally reply with humour, "that's what we were hoping- I don't know what we'll do if our kid ends up STRAIGHT- what will our friends think?!!!"

Then we also get questions about using a known donor- "what if he changes his mind and wants to be a parent- how does he KNOW he won't?"
and "what are you gonna do when the kid tells your partner that she's not their real parent since you're the bio mom?"

I guess some questions are logical ones, but they still annoy us.... what I'm dreading is going back to america this summer when I'll be 7 months pregnant because I'm sure there will be all kinds of staring and comments about our family...

 

[TFSGirl]

The united states is the most prejudice country in the entire world, and the vast majority of people there need to get their heads out of their asses to be honest. I'm sick of the fact that people still think that gay marriage and gay parenting is any of their (excuse my french) fucking business. Somehow every Tom Dick and Harry (and Juna Jane and Jill) can get married to whomever they please as long as their genetalia is different, no matter what kind of person they are, and have kids and do all the "normail" shit and no one says BOO about it. I'm so effing SICK of hearing the "debate"!! It isn't a debate!! Just shut up and let other people live their lives! No one ASKED you!!! That's what I feel like saying to every bigot in this worlkd. Just STFU is all.

 

[Porcelain]

I got to admit that I'm a little surprised about this. I guess I'm lucky to have friends who don't care about the gender you love and family who loves me and, by extension, my friends, to keep their mouths shut and at least remain respectful if they have different opinions of it.
When I told my little sister I've been with girls before, she thought that was the coolest thing in the world (certainly not the reaction I anticipated).
As for growing up- it was before there was much gay awareness. There was a bit of bullying, but I still can't believe that it continues!
And I can't believe people have the BALLS to ask 'who is the real mommy/daddy?' Seriously? Both my mother and I are adopted: her response is 'my real mom and dad are Mary and Shan (the ones who raised her) and Tom is my biological father.' I'm a little less polite about it and tell them who my real dad is and the other guy was my sperm donor. WTF kind of question is 'who is the real parents?' 'What will they think when they find out you're not the biological mom?' They'll think that you hand-picked them and raised them- that means more than being stuck with a kid because of blood, doesn't it? If they're close enough to actually deserve an answer to that, they probably know anyway.
Like it was said, bullies will find something to bully about no matter what, but I can't understand with all the awareness that they'd actually bully on being straight or gay or having gay or single parents. Then again I've been lucky to not have a whole lot of jerk friends or live in a community that openly tsked about being with the same gender (though this did happen to a friend and it ended badly for the other guy. Saying crap like that to somebody in Minneapolis doesn't always end well). I can't even imagine someone giving me lip about how being gay is wrong, etc.! How do you guys not punch every single one of those people in the forehead??

 

[TFSGirl]

Porcelain>> I completely agree with you on all of that, and I have trouble not punching A LOT of people in the forehead over A LOT of things, but I just think about my job and not losing it lol. Beyond that I think I'd have been in a lot of fist fights by now.

 

[KelleyNJen]

My wife and I are trying to conceive our first, but it will be my 3rd. I have 2 adult children (from high school and denial) and I raised them in very conservative Orange County, California. I raised them with my ex-partner. They were not bullied. As a matter of fact my daughter was a magnet for every gay child in the neighborhood. Our house was the house that all the kids hung out at, gay or straight. I think one thing that helped was we never acted as if there was anything different between our family and others. My son once told me that me being gay made him a better person. He appreciates diversity and is able to feel comfortable in any social situation. Being a good parent has nothing to do with gender and has everything to do with your capability to love and care for your child. Just remember that "opinions are like @ssholes, everyone has one"

 

[tamzy]

well said, I will the the never-minded attitude

 

[xforuiholdonx]

Bullying happens, regardless. My little brother is 12, and being bullied over the fact that our father is dead. Imagine that.
People who dont understand really should shut their nasty traps over such things. I cannot stand judgement.